This has got to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It appeared in The Otago Daily Times. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SINGLE BLACK FEMALE Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your Ute, hunting, camping and Duck shooting, cozy nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (03) 475-6420 and ask for Daisy. Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Otago branch of the SPCA about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever. Men are so easy.
The following were taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds: WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT? Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's. A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady! Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them.. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money. When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars. They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowersand also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.' They don't say, 'Hurry up.' Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie yourshoes. They wear glasses and funny underwear. They can take their teeth and gums out. Grandparents don't have to be smart. They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?' When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again. Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us. They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad. MY GRANDMOTHER LIVES AT THE AIRPORT AND WHEN WE WANT HER, WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT. GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM! It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.
[h=3]The local swimming pond[/h] An old farmer had owned a large farm for many years, he had a huge man-made pond out back with a beautiful picnic area, For years it was the perfect place to unwind or hold a family get together. As the farmer grew older, his "Oasis" was used less and less. It eventually became the local swimming hole and while his neighbors occasionally took advantage of the pond, he rarely made an appearence. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, he hadn't been there in a while and felt the urge to pay a visit to check on things. As he neared the pond, he heard loud playful voices giggling and laughing. As he came closer he was astonished to see that a bunch of young women had decided to skinny dip in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond n*ked, I'm here to feed the alligator."
Self-explanatory ... [video=youtube;DNi2tcEtluU]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DNi2tcEtluU&context=C4897cd0ADvjVQa1PpcFNm obaKDykc_yDhsfou5NthGy0Vrlw_OG8=[/video]
The description here says trying to (parallel) park but I think she is actually trying to turn around (I should look up the original with russian description). Maybe the road is blocked or one way ... In any case the people in the car filming make it stand out from the countless of other similar vids. The stunned silence near the end as she backs up onto the railing is also priceless . Glad many cars there have onboard camera for insurance purposes to provide us with these kinds of traffic vids . Here is something else rather remarkable [video=youtube;B39cenrIQW0]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B39cenrIQW0[/video]
SIMPLE TRUTH 1 Partners help each other undress before ***. However after ***, they always dress on their own. Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
DID YOU KNOW........ WHY ??? Why are condoms transparent? A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is restricted! Signboard outside a prostitute's house: Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy.... New AIDS awareness slogan: Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with different women. Why is $ex like shaving? Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you'll have to do it again... Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster? A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death. Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right? A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed. Q: What is the difference between a PANTY & a STAGE CURTAIN? A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the PANTY..... it is SHOWTIME! Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum? A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later Advantages of having an affair with a married women. They give like hell. They do not yell. They do not tell. They do not swell and there is no wedding bell! A wise man told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in Paradise. Why? Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple!.
SIMPLE TRUTH 2 When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats". But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job". Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated”
[FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif]Don’t get too Smart[/FONT] [FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif] [/FONT] [FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif]Wife was sure that her husband was having *** with the maid, so she laid a trap ....[/FONT] [FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif]One evening she sent the maid to friend home for weekend & didn't tell husband and she slept on maid's bed.[/FONT] [FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif]She switched the lights off.[/FONT] [FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif]He came in silently and wasted no time on words but quickly started ***...[/FONT] [FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif]When he finished![/FONT] [FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif]Wife said: U didn't expect me in this bed!! Did u ??[/FONT] [FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif]And switched on the light.[/FONT] [FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif]No Madam!!! Said the Shocked Driver!!!![/FONT] [FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif] [/FONT] [FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif]MORAL : Sometimes getting too smart can get you F..ked!![/FONT]
[h=6]Wife texts her husband ,"windows frozen", husband texts back, "pour warm water over it", more text below[/h][h=6] [/h][h=6] [/h][h=6] [/h][h=6] [/h][h=6] wife text her husband back "computer completely ****ed now!"[/h]
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara Desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead. After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.' 'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.' 'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?' 'Anything, Father.' 'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.' 'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.' The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. 'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.......she consented and he fondled them for several minutes. 'Father, could I ask something of you?' 'Yes, Sister?' 'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?' 'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe. 'Oh Father, may I touch it?' The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. 'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can Give Life.' 'Is that true Father?' 'Yes, it is, Sister.' 'Oh Father, that's wonderful .... Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'
No Underwear - Makes Sense to Me A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down. 'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering. 'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'
US Navy At Its Best!! The following is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship and The British authorities, near the coast off England . The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95. British: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid collision. US Navy: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid collision. British: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision. US Navy: This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. British: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course. US Navy: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln. The second largest ship in the United States ' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north. That's 15 degrees north, or counter measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship. British: Sorry we cannot divert. We are a lighthouse. Tiger Woods And Stevie Wonder Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar... Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?" Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?" Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now." Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right." Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?" Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years." Tiger says, "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?" Stevie Wonder replies, "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice." But, "How do you putt" asks Tiger. "Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball toward his voice." Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?" Stevie says, "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer." Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime." Stevie replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?" Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?" Stevie Wonder says, "Pick a night." God Is A Genius! While creating wives, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. And then He made the earth round.
For old farts like you.... [FONT='comic sans ms', sans-serif]Probably a matter of time now ..... [FONT='comic sans ms', sans-serif]The older I get, the better I was.[/FONT] [/FONT] [FONT='comic sans ms', sans-serif] Several days ago as I left the club, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the club revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the club, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered. I always call her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen." [/FONT] [FONT='comic sans ms', sans-serif]There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice. "Idiot", she barked, "I dropped you off!" [/FONT] [FONT='comic sans ms', sans-serif]Yep, it's getting like that. The golden years...[/FONT]
The Italian Bookkeeper A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido,has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00 His bookkeeper is deaf.That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10million,he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, " Ask him where the money is..! " The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido , " Where's the money..? " Guido signs back, " I don't know what you are talking about. "The lawyer tells the Godfather, " He says he doesn't know what you are talking about. " The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says," Ask him again or I'll kill him..! " The lawyer signs to Guido, " He'll kill you if you don't tell him. " Guido trembles and signs back, " OK.! You win..!The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house. The Godfather asks the lawyer, " What did he say..? " The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger. " Don't you just love lawyers..?
