Thanks for visiting us!

Badminton Central is a free community for fans of badminton! If you find anything useful here please consider registering to see more content and get involved with our great community users, it takes less than 15 seconds! Everybody is welcome here.

Click here for a FREE account!

Jokes

Discussion in 'Chit-Chat' started by Gessle, Aug 8, 2004.

  1. ctjcad

    ctjcad Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 27, 2004
    Messages:
    19,138
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    u.s.a.
    Why did the chicken cross the road?..

    (if you guys are familiar with these people/characters, they're taken from some of their well-know phrases/saying)..some of 'em are quite amusing..;):)


    DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that
    he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it
    goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do
    is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT"
    problems before adding "NEW" problems.


    OPRAH: Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why
    he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn
    from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to
    give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not
    live his life like the rest of the chickens.


    GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We
    just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The
    chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.


    DONALD RUMSFELD: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the
    satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.


    ANDERSON COOPER/CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.


    JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now
    against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the
    chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.


    JUDGE JUDY: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see
    it in his eyes and the way he walks.


    PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.


    MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was
    going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when
    the price dropped to a certain level.


    DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
    Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been t old.


    ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.


    JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain
    truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side."
    That's why they call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is
    gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we
    boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal
    media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."
    That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and
    simple as that!


    GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
    Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.


    BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be
    listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story
    of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish
    its lif e long dream of crossing the road.


    JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together
    - in peace.


    ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road


    BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only cross
    roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
    check book. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The
    Platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C \..... reboot.


    ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road
    move beneath the chicken?


    BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your
    definition of chicken?


    AL GORE: I invented the chicken
     
  2. slvrdrgn123

    slvrdrgn123 Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 6, 2004
    Messages:
    217
    Likes Received:
    0
    Occupation:
    Improving what little skills I have
    Location:
    San Jose
    LOL. The chicken was gay!!! HAHAHA. What is your definition of chicken, lol.
     
  3. demolidor

    demolidor Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 21, 2003
    Messages:
    9,825
    Likes Received:
    9
    Location:
    @Hollanti
    :D you think yannie can speak german :p
    1 = Tastes outstanding/excellent
    2 = Freitag is Friday, Taschen is Bag, Aus LKW Plane is made out of LKW(?) Apparently bags made out of recycled material.
    3 = well it's Pepsi obviously :p
    4 = Going the wrong way?
    5 = Sushi
    6 = Advance in Marketing. Call the Academy
    7 = well Pringles Hot&Spicy offcourse

    Funny stuff, well done but the chemistry mid-term is the best I've read in a while :D . Going to forward it as well :cool: . Thx!!!
     
  4. ctjcad

    ctjcad Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 27, 2004
    Messages:
    19,138
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    u.s.a.
    ..hehe, demolidor, thanks in helping us with the translation.:cool: .yah, had a feeling they're either German, Danish or Dutch(one of them shows a website which ends with .de)..:confused: :rolleyes: :p :D :eek: ;) ..
     
  5. ctjcad

    ctjcad Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 27, 2004
    Messages:
    19,138
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    u.s.a.
    Prison vs. Work

    ..anyone prefer which one??..;)
     

    Attached Files:

  6. ctjcad

    ctjcad Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 27, 2004
    Messages:
    19,138
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    u.s.a.
    The Best Blonde Joke Of The Year(ok, maybe it's an old one) - So Far

    Here goes:

    A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond
    female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the
    mailbox.
    She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house.
    A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and
    again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
    As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out
    again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder
    than ever.
    Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

    To which she replied, "There certainly is!"


    (Are you ready? This is a beauty...)





    My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
     
    #446 ctjcad, Nov 17, 2006
    Last edited: Nov 17, 2006
  7. DinkAlot

    DinkAlot dcbadminton
    Brand Representative

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2005
    Messages:
    12,457
    Likes Received:
    68
    Occupation:
    www.dcbadminton.net
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    Nice one.:p

    OT: Chris you mentioned something about Mona in another post, I can't find it...Mona's at SGVBC, you can just ask her your questions directly. :)
     
  8. ctjcad

    ctjcad Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 27, 2004
    Messages:
    19,138
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    u.s.a.
    Off topic-sorry guys..

    ..actually it's in reference to post #33, which is in reference all the way to post #29...hehe:p Here's the thread/posts again : http://www.badmintoncentral.com/forums/showthread.php?p=458951#post45895
    I don't know when i'll be able to swing by SGVBC, that's why i wonder if you could ask instead cos you'll have better/quicker chance to meet with her(last time, i was trying to look for her but she wasn't there, yet. So i left after a while)..:( :p :D
     
  9. DinkAlot

    DinkAlot dcbadminton
    Brand Representative

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2005
    Messages:
    12,457
    Likes Received:
    68
    Occupation:
    www.dcbadminton.net
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    Sorry, I don't know what to ask/not my business, if you have question(s), please ask her yourself. :)
     
  10. demolidor

    demolidor Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 21, 2003
    Messages:
    9,825
    Likes Received:
    9
    Location:
    @Hollanti
    :D think you got em all there (the smillies, we need new ones)

    .de is for "deutschland" (=germany, in dutch it's "duitsland", in danish "tyskland" I think). Still don't know why it's GERMANy and the rest is deutsch/duits/tysk ...
     
  11. Linus

    Linus Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 28, 2005
    Messages:
    695
    Likes Received:
    3
    Occupation:
    Manager
    Location:
    Hong Kong/Singapore/Shanghai
    Software Upgrade !

    2 versions: one for woman and one for man. Enjoy!
    ---------------- version 1 -------------------------------------

    Dear Tech Support,



    Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow-down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

    In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.
    And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?​

    Signed,
    Desperate​


    **The Reply**​

    Dear Desperate:​

    First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.​

    Try entering the command C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.​

    If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember,
    overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program, that will create Snoringloudly.wav files.​

    Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.​

    These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.​

    Good Luck,
    Tech Support​



    ---------------------- version 2 -------------------------------

    Dear Tech Support:
    Last year I upgraded fromGirlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such asPoker Night 10.3,Football 5.0,Hunting and Fishing 7.5, andRacing 3.6no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.



    I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back toGirlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!



    Thanks,


    A Troubled User.
    *** Reply ***
    Dear Troubled User:This is a very common problem that men complain about.Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.



    You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-ChildSupport. I recommend that you keepWife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.



    The best course of action is to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.



    Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.



    However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only! way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !



    WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.



    Best of luck



     
  12. cooler

    cooler Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 25, 2002
    Messages:
    22,016
    Likes Received:
    13
    Occupation:
    Surfing, reading fan mails:D, Dilithium Crystal hu
    Location:
    Basement Boiler Room
    I thought it was a joke

    1 in 32 Americans in jails, on parole By KASIE HUNT, Associated Press Writer
    Thu Nov 30, 1:37 PM ET



    WASHINGTON - A record 7 million people — or one in every 32 American adults — were behind bars, on probation or on parole by the end of last year, according to the Justice Department. Of those, 2.2 million were in prison or jail, an increase of 2.7 percent over the previous year, according to a report released Wednesday.

    More than 4.1 million people were on probation and 784,208 were on parole at the end of 2005. Prison releases are increasing, but admissions are increasing more.
     
  13. the_oro

    the_oro Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 23, 2006
    Messages:
    146
    Likes Received:
    0
    Occupation:
    pretty boring profile -_-
    Location:
    in the bathtub
    you know what's bad?
    a pile of dead babies
    you know what's worse than that?
    the one at the bottom's alive
    you know what's worse than that?
    he has to eat his way out
    you know what's worse than that?
    he comes back for more

    >>>> >>Differences In Love Making ;)
    >>>> >>The Italian says, "When I've a finished a makin da love withah my
    >>>> >>wife,
    >>>> >>I go
    >>>> >>
    >>>> >>down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches
    >>>> >>above
    >>>> >>a da
    >>>> >>
    >>>> >>bed in ecstacy."
    >>>> >>The Frenchman replies, Zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze
    >>>> >>love
    >>>> >>with ze wife, ah kiss all ze way down her body, and zen ah lick za
    >>>> >>soles of
    >>>> >>her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats 12 inches
    >>>> >>above ze bed in pure ecstacy.
    >>>> >>The redneck says, "That aint nothing. When I've finished porkin the
    >>>> >>ole
    >>>> >>
    >>>> >>lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my weener
    >>>> >>on
    >>>> >>the
    >>>> >>curtains. She hits the freakin'ceiling!
     
  14. cooler

    cooler Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 25, 2002
    Messages:
    22,016
    Likes Received:
    13
    Occupation:
    Surfing, reading fan mails:D, Dilithium Crystal hu
    Location:
    Basement Boiler Room
    Rock climbing vacation

    chinese style.
    Those $1.99 lock as connectors don't give you a good feeling.
    Safety rope, belts, harness?? nah.............:D
     

    Attached Files:

  15. Baderz_Jas

    Baderz_Jas Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 18, 2006
    Messages:
    2,360
    Likes Received:
    0
    Occupation:
    Student, business man wannabe =P
    Location:
    Cambridge, UK
    thanks for sharing! :D I surely enjoyed it! :D haha :D
     
  16. Baderz_Jas

    Baderz_Jas Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 18, 2006
    Messages:
    2,360
    Likes Received:
    0
    Occupation:
    Student, business man wannabe =P
    Location:
    Cambridge, UK
    :eek: scary! :eek: :D :eek:
     
  17. ctjcad

    ctjcad Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 27, 2004
    Messages:
    19,138
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    u.s.a.
    It ain't all tragic: weird, wild and wonderful events of 2006

    (ok, guys, maybe some of these are funny and some are not)...:p
    It ain't all tragic: weird, wild and wonderful events of 2006
    Sun Dec 3, 6:11 PM ET
    PARIS (AFP) - A selection of zany events from the year just ending:

    - In a new twist on the influx of Polish workers to Britain, an ad appeared in newspapers serving Muslim communities in the east European nation asking for Polish halal butchers to work in Britain.

    - An 82-year-old Australian cartoonist who was expert at doing high-speed sketches of sports participants was able to do a quick drawing of a man who robbed his home. Police used it to arrest the burglar.

    - The authorities in a Czech town on the border with Austria ordered an Austrian hotel to trim its roof, which was protruding a few centimetres (inches) across the boundary.

    - Ziggy Stardust, an indiscreet parrot in England, blew the cover on its mistress's love affair by repeating her amorous exchanges in front of her companion. The latter, named Chris, realised something was up when the bird started squawking "Gary, I love you."

    - A woman's handbag containing jewellery and cash worth some 110,000 US dollars was returned intact to its owner in Melbourne, Australia, after she absent-mindedly left it hanging on a shopping trolley. The extremely honest finder wished to remain anonymous.

    - Police thought they were onto a terrible crime when a woman's skeleton turned up in the sea off western France with a gash in the skull. Carbon dating later revealed that it was in fact over 500 years old.

    - A pair of 17th-century cannon left outside a workshop where they were being restored on the Greek island of Crete narrowly escaped being melted down when a firm of scrap merchants hauled them off by mistake.

    - A Frenchman who had braved lawsuits to deep freeze his dead parents' bodies gave up when his freezer system broke down. He had hoped to one day bring them back to life thanks to medical progress.

    - Drivers venturing to use their satellite navigation system in an English village called Crackpot found themselves being erroneously directed to the top of a steep cliff.

    - A talentless street musician in the Dutch town of Leiden got local people so upset by his awful saxophone playing that they got police to confiscate his instrument.

    - New Yorkers were gripped by the story of a cat called Molly which got stuck between the double walls of an old building in Greenwich Village. It took 40 firefighters and two weeks of work to get her out, safe and sound.

    - Drinkers had to be evacuated from a Welsh pub when somebody realised that a tubular object that the landlord's wife had long used as a rolling-pin was in fact a World War II shell.

    - Policewomen in the Netherlands were furious when they were issued with new uniforms including blouses which turned out to be transparent.

    - A British taxi driver who showed up at BBC headquarters in London to pick up a fare was mistaken for a computer expert, and bustled into a studio and given a microphone to be interviewed.

    - A Christian missionary group in the United States toured pornography conventions to hand out literature affirming that "Jesus loves porn stars."
    - Vietnamese police broke up a network that was helping students to cheat in exams via mobile phones hidden under long wigs.

    - A canny Canadian internet user showed the potential of online trading systems by gradually bartering a paperclip into a three-bedroomed house. The clip was first exchanged for a wooden pen, which was traded for a ceramic doorknob, and the process continued right up to the house.

    - In a real-life version of a scene from countless cartoons, a 45-year-old woman fell over a precipice in the French Alps but was caught on a tree root which snagged her foot. She was rescued, shocked but unhurt, two and a half hours later.

    - Small fish rained down on a village in southern India. A scientist said they were probably picked up by a waterspout or mini-tornado out at sea.

    - The US fast food giant McDonald's agreed to change the shape of the cups used for one of its desserts after English animal lovers complained that hedgehogs -- a threatened species -- were getting their snouts stuck in them and dying.

    - A 68-year-old man in northern Nigeria told reporters that after having married a total of 201 women in 48 years, he had resolved to make do with the four wives he still had. His main complaint: older wives had an unfortunate tendency to turn the younger ones against him.

    - To greet the annual Nobel Prizes, tongue-in-cheek scientists in the United States handed out their own "Ignobel" awards. They included rewards for boffins who had researched into why woodpeckers don't get headaches from all that tapping, and whether dung beetles really enjoy their diet of faeces.

    - Kazakhstan reacted first with irritation then with resigned humour to a filmed spoof by the British comedian Sacha Baron Cohen. The jokes in the film, "Borat", in fact turned out to be mostly at the expense of Americans, who nevertheless lapped it up at the box-office.

    - In the real-world Kazakhstan, meanwhile, national mint officials were red-faced when it emerged that they had mis-spelled the word "bank" on their newly issued notes.

    - The Marine Corps in the United States said it had finally decided to accept a gift of 4,000 Jesus dolls which recited the scriptures, and were destined to be given to needy children for Christmas. The group which had donated them had complained vocally when officials tried to refuse the gift.
     
  18. azn_123

    azn_123 Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2006
    Messages:
    1,663
    Likes Received:
    0
    Occupation:
    Student
    Location:
    vancouver,canada
    LOL..I think it get this lol
     
  19. cooler

    cooler Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 25, 2002
    Messages:
    22,016
    Likes Received:
    13
    Occupation:
    Surfing, reading fan mails:D, Dilithium Crystal hu
    Location:
    Basement Boiler Room
    creative stringing

    Serious use for Silly String By REBECCA SANTANA, Associated Press Writer
    Wed Dec 6, 2:03 PM ET

    STRATFORD, N.J. - In an age of multimillion-dollar high-tech weapons systems, sometimes it's the simplest ideas that can save lives. Which is why a New Jersey mother is organizing a drive to send cans of Silly String to Iraq.

    American troops use the stuff to detect trip wires around bombs, as Marcelle Shriver learned from her son, a soldier in Iraq.

    Before entering a building, troops squirt the plastic goo, which can shoot strands about 10 to 12 feet, across the room. If it falls to the ground, no trip wires. If it hangs in the air, they know they have a problem. The wires are otherwise nearly invisible.

    Now, 1,000 cans of the neon-colored plastic goop are packed into Shriver's one-car garage in this town outside Philadelphia, ready to be shipped to the Middle East thanks to two churches and a pilot who heard about the drive.
     
  20. NgauNgau

    NgauNgau Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2006
    Messages:
    39
    Likes Received:
    0
    Occupation:
    Student
    Location:
    KL, Malaysia
    Might be an old one.
    Three guys were dead and they went to Heaven. St Peter asked them the reason of their death. The first guy said, "Well, I was told that my wife's having an affair with another guy, so I went home from work early and saw a men's shoe on my house's shoe rack that ain't mine!! I was so furious and quickly rushed into my house. I searched everywhere but there wasn't any sign, then, I saw a hand clutching the side of the corridor, I thought:'Hah! Gotcha! Don't you ever think you'll get away with this!'. And so I banged his hands with a hammer but his hands just won't let off! So without thinking properly, I went and fetch my fridge to throw it down at the guy, but I tripped and fell down together with the fridge. That's how I die." St Peter then asked the second guy,:"How about you?" He replied,"Well, I used to live in the highest floor of a flat. One day, as usual, I exercised beside the window, but I accidentally tripped and falled out of the window. When I was falling, I waved my hands vigorously and clutched on someone's corridor side, feeling it was quite safe to climb up, a mad idiot suddenly banged my hand with a hammer, I tried hard not to let go of my hand, then there was a pause, and I felt a large object, a fridge maybe, dropped down and my hands let go and I falled. That's how I die." Without waiting for St Peter to ask, the third guy mumbled timidly,:"I died in a fridge........."
     

Share This Page