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Jokes

Discussion in 'Chit-Chat' started by Gessle, Aug 8, 2004.

  1. pBmMalaysia

    pBmMalaysia Regular Member

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    just to add some more on older badminton player:

    8/ making sure you bring your hair blower every time you go to court, your damn old muscle needs it

    9/ in your bags you keep dry ice, painkiller, lots of spray, cement plater and a stretcher

    10/ and last but not least a fill-in-the-blank empty 'will'
     
  2. ctjcad

    ctjcad Regular Member

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    car the size of a fly, the lot the size of an elephant, also can not go in..

    ..some of you have probably seen this; if not, enjoy!:p;)

    "car the size of a fly, the lot the size of an elephant, also can not go in.."

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CFCvJSvETy8

    [video=youtube;CFCvJSvETy8]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CFCvJSvETy8[/video]
     
  3. ctjcad

    ctjcad Regular Member

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    A few more..

    ..(some of these you guys have read before; if not, enjoy!)..;)

    The current president of the U.S., the first lady, the vice president of the U.S. and Oprah Winfrey were flying on the Air Force 1. The president looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, ‘You know, I could throw ten $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make 10 people very happy.’ Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, ‘I could throw fifty $1000 bills out of the window and make 50 people very happy.' The first lady added, ‘That being the case, I could throw one hundred $1000 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.’. And the vice president, not to be outdone, yelled out "I could throw one thousand $1000 bill and make 1000 people happy'

    Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, ‘Such big-shots back there. Shoot, I could throw all of them out of the window and make over 150 million people very happy.’
    ================================================================
    There was this burglar who broke into the AT&T consumer products warehouse and was filling his bags with various telephones when he heard police sirens getting nearer.
    He fled to a nearby music hall where a concert was going on and hid among the horn sections.
    The police wandered through but were unable to find him among the musicians...
    He fits right in, having those Sacks O' Phones..
    ================================================================
    A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
    The police responded with another mailed photo: handcuffs.
    ================================================================
    (and last but not least)..
    After waiting the entire morning and afternoon in his favorite speeding trap location, a cop finally pulled a young man over for speeding. The cop got out of his car and the young man rolled down his window.
    With a cocky look, the cop said "Ya know, I've been waiting for you all day,".
    The young man quickly replied, "Yeah, well I got here as quickly as I could."
     
  4. Qidong

    Qidong Regular Member

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    If George Bush, Dick Channey and Karl Rove were thrown off the plane, 1.5 billion people will be very happy. :)
     
  5. demolidor

    demolidor Regular Member

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    Quantas Maintenance (Problem/Solution)

    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    P: Something loose in cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in cockpit.


    READ ON, THEY GET FUNNIER

    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back-order.

    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what friction locks are for.

    P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.

    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny.
    S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.


    And the best one for last..................

    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from midget
     
    #1366 demolidor, Nov 17, 2010
    Last edited: Nov 17, 2010
  6. wilfredlgf

    wilfredlgf Regular Member

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    Everton again.

    Worst start in 50 years for us and are still above them.
     
  7. ctjcad

    ctjcad Regular Member

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    The Parrot..

    ..(some of you have proabably read this; if not, enjoy!):p;)
    ===============================================
    A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

    Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

    Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
    Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

    Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

    John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

    As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

    ..for those celebrating, HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
     
  8. extremenanopowe

    extremenanopowe Regular Member

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    A Burgler broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

    'Jesus knows you're here.'

    He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

    When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

    Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

    'Jesus is watching you.'

    Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

    Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
    'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

    'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you.'

    The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

    'Moses,' replied the bird.

    'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

    'The same kind of people who would name their Rottweiler Jesus...!'
     
  9. pBmMalaysia

    pBmMalaysia Regular Member

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    haha good one!

    rottweiler watching you!
     
  10. extremenanopowe

    extremenanopowe Regular Member

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    Here's another.

    I saw on a tshirt that says...

    S-E-X instructor
    1st lesson free...

    My first impression was like damn.. bloody smart idea...lol. I have to switch from badminton. ;) lol.

    Then on a sg radio.
    A group of army personnel are not allowed to change their underwear for 2 weeks. Those guys are pretty pissed am sure.
    Then the commander says, ok guys, you can now change your underwear after 2 weeks. They guys says hooray... all happy in ecstacy.
    The the commander says. Oh. you can change your underwear only with the other group.... ;)
     
  11. extremenanopowe

    extremenanopowe Regular Member

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    Just for laugh...good exercise. Some may have read this... lol. ;)


    Confusing Chinese Names

    Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan (anyone)?


    Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.


    Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan (anyone)!


    Operator : You are talking to someone! Who is this?


    Caller : I'm Sam Wan (Someone). And I need to talk to Annie Wan (anyone)! It's urgent.


    Operator : I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?


    Caller : Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan (anyone) that our brother Noel Wan (no one)has involved in an accident. Noel Wan (no one)got injured and now Noel Wan (no one) is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan (everyone) is on his way to the hospital.


    Operator : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgen t matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!


    Caller : You are so rude! Who are you?


    Operator : I'm Saw Lee (Sorry).

    Caller : Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!!


    Pass around for some laughter*
     
  12. extremenanopowe

    extremenanopowe Regular Member

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    Muthusamy gets married, and on his wedding night calls his father to get some tips on what to do since he had never been with a woman before.

    "So what do I do first?"

    His father replies: "Take her clothes off and lay her on the bed."

    Five minutes later Muthu is on the phone again. "She's naked and in bed what do I do now?"

    His father can't believe what he is hearing,
    "Take your damn clothes off and get into bed with her."

    After another 5 minutes Muthu is on the phone again. "Appachchi, I'm naked and in bed with her, what do I do now?"

    His father's patience is now running out so he says, "Sh*t son, do I have to spell everything out to you?? Just put the hardest thing on your body where she pees... Good night!!!"

    "Just when his father starts snoring, Muthu is on the phone again.

    "OK Appachchi, I have my head in the toilet bowl what do I do now?"

    "Drown yourself, you bloody idiot!
     
  13. OneToughBirdie

    OneToughBirdie Regular Member

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    Oh Muthu, Muthu...hahaha!!
     
  14. extremenanopowe

    extremenanopowe Regular Member

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    Dont laugh.. Muthu is famous with curry. spicy dude... ;)
     
  15. extremenanopowe

    extremenanopowe Regular Member

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    Loosen up guys. Holiday is here... ;)


    CHILDREN AND THE CHURCH


    * First Wedding: *
    A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said, 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."


    º°'°º ?O,,,,O?º°'°º?O?º°'°º?O,,,,O?º°'°º?O?º°'°*
    ---------------------------
    * Becoming a Minister:*
    After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen"


    * ?º°'°º?O,,,,O?º°'°º?O?º°'°º?O,,,,O?º°'°º?O?*
    ---------------------------
    *Prayer: *
    A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service, "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."


    ?º°'°º?O,,,,O?º°'°º?O?º°'°º?O,,,,O?º°'°º?O?*
    -------------------------------
    *Writing Sermons:*
    A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.."How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"


    * ?º°'°º?O,,,,O?º°'°º?O?º°'°º?O,,,,O?º°'°º?O?*
    ---------------------------------------
    *Church Service:*
    A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

    ?º°'°º?O,,,,O?º°'°º?O?º°'°º?O,,,,O?º°'°º?O?º*
    -----------------------------------------
    *Sunday School Class: *
    Ms. Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The Flight to Egypt," was his reply. Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"


    * º°'°º?O,,,,O?º°'°º?O?º°'°º?O,,,,O?º°'°º*
    -------------------------------
    *Sunday School Class:*
    The Sunday School Teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replied. "I don't have to. My mom is a good cook."


    *?º°'°º?O,,,,O?º°'°º?O?º°'°º?O,,,,O?º°'°º?O?*
    ------------------------------------------------
    *This is the best one: *
    A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.


    Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

    *?°'°º?O,,,,O?º°'°º?O?º°'°º?O,,,,O?º°'°º?O?*
     
  16. extremenanopowe

    extremenanopowe Regular Member

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    I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
    We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

    Here's how it all went.

    My Engaged Friend:

    The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
    He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
    I love you.' Then we made passionate love all nightlong.

    The Mistress:

    Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes.
    When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild *** all night.

    My Story:

    When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner,Batman?"
     
  17. pBmMalaysia

    pBmMalaysia Regular Member

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    that's a good one but

    the biggest joke here is

    are you yourself a woman? :D
     
  18. ctjcad

    ctjcad Regular Member

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    Train can't wait..

    ..(some of you have probably seen this; if not, then can smile)..:p;)

    If you have a choice, which one would you choose : Allah or the train?..

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kESYgrY50PE

    [video=youtube;kESYgrY50PE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kESYgrY50PE[/video]
     
  19. extremenanopowe

    extremenanopowe Regular Member

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    ok man. Time for everyone to contribute. It is good to relax at times. Just to show that you have a bit of sense of humour. ;)

    This is a good one....


    In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director
    started looking for a new one to hire.

    A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

    The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.

    They tested him.

    They gave him a glass with a drink.
    He tried it and said,
    "It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."
    "That’s correct", said the boss.

    Another glass.
    "It’s red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels."
    "Correct."

    The director was astonished.
    He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

    She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.

    "It’s a blond, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month.
    And if you don’t give me the job, I’ll also tell who’s the father!"
     

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