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Jokes

Discussion in 'Chit-Chat' started by Gessle, Aug 8, 2004.

  1. OneToughBirdie

    OneToughBirdie Regular Member

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    The humour part is a good one...you see the world in a whole lot different way:D;)
     
  2. extremenanopowe

    extremenanopowe Regular Member

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    Give me a sense of humour, Lord,
    Give me the grace to see a joke,
    To get some humour out of life,
    And pass it on to other folk...!

    Have a Blessed and Wonderful Day - Always!
     
  3. madbad

    madbad Regular Member

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    coming to a court near you...
    Breaking News:

    The UN has said that if they capture Gaddafi they will put him where he can do no harm to anyone...
    ................ up front for Arsenal.
     
  4. Qidong

    Qidong Regular Member

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    Very good one. :D:D:D
     
  5. demolidor

    demolidor Regular Member

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  6. extremenanopowe

    extremenanopowe Regular Member

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    how true right?

    Men:
    1. All men are extremely busy.
    2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
    3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
    4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
    5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck
    with others.

    Women:
    1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
    2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive
    clothes and stuff.
    3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something
    to wear.
    4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress
    beautifully.
    5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just
    "an old rag".
    6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect
    you to compliment them.
    7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't
    believe you.
     
  7. extremenanopowe

    extremenanopowe Regular Member

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    Good one. You are not there yet right?

    Men & Women: Q & A

    Q: Where can single men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?

    A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.

    Q: What can a man do while his wife is going
    through menopause?

    A: Keep busy. If handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When done, you have a place to live.

    Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the
    bible... Is that true? Where is it?

    A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
    "And Mary rode Joseph's a-ss all the way to Egypt ..."

    Q: How can I increase the heart rate of my over-60 year-old mate?

    A: Tell him you're pregnant.

    Q: How can I avoid that terrible curse of unsightly wrinkles?

    A: Take off your glasses.

    Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

    A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..

    Q: Why should 60-plus people use valet parking?

    A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

    Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

    A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

    Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

    A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

    Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?

    A: On their foreheads.

    Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year
    olds when they enter antique stores?

    A: "Gosh, I remember all these!"

    ------------
    Someone Told Me About Hist Experience:

    My First Condom recall my first time with a condom.
    I was 16. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the corner pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Susie) knew what they were for.

    She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

    I honestly answered, 'No, not really.' So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.' So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on, Joe?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her. She then beat the poo out of me....

    Women have always been hard for me to figure out...
    -------------
    Best quote of the year by Brazilian Medicine Nobel prize winner oncologist Drauzio Varella.

    ‘Today we are spending 5 times more money in medications for male virility and female silicone than in finding a cure for Alzheimer’s. In a few years we’ll have old women with big breasts and (old) men with hard pe.nises but they won’t remember their use.’
    -------------
    VD new strain

    While in China , a (US) man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his pe.nis covered with bright green and purple spots.

    Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

    The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

    The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'

    The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc.'

    The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate it.'

    The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

    The doctor replies, 'Well, go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'

    The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his pe.nis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'

    The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate it!'

    The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'

    ‘Oh, thank God!' the man replies.

    'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'Wait two weeks ... fawl off by self!'
     
  8. extremenanopowe

    extremenanopowe Regular Member

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    lmao...

    A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
    Inside, he finds couple in bed.
    He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.
    While tying the home owner's wife to the bed
    The convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
    Then gets up & goes into the bathroom.


    While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
    'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
    He's probably spent a lot of time in jail
    And hasn't seen a woman in years.
    I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants ***,
    Don't resist, don't complain...do what ever he tells you.
    Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
    This guy is obviously very dangerous.
    If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.
    Be strong, honey. I love you!'


    His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck.
    He was whispering in my ear.
    He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute,
    And asked if we had any Vaseline.
    I told him it was in the bathroom.
    Be strong honey. I love you too.'
     
  9. venkatesh

    venkatesh Regular Member

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    Thanks extremenanopowe. This woke me up from my boring work. LOL.
     
  10. shooting stroke

    shooting stroke Regular Member

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    3 Schizophrenia

    Maybe you've heard this joke before but my little nephew came to my house today and told me this joke just before our badminton session and i just can't stand laughing even while playing......

    3 schizophrenia patients are on their way to be transferred from East Malaysia to West Malaysia using a private chattered airplane. Since they are schizophrenic, while on board, 2 of them create havoc by destroying most of the airplane's seats. One of the pilot came out and was shock to see the destruction made. However, he also notice that one of them, Mr A, is not as wild like two of his friends so the pilot tried his luck asking a favor from him if he can advice 2 of his colleagues to behave.

    Half a hour later, it appears that the condition seems to be very quite and out of curiosity, the same pilot went to the passenger area to see what's the condition of the 3 schizophrenia patient. The pilot then asked Mr A:

    Pilot : Thanks mate for advising your friends just now
    Mr A : No problem captain

    Pilot : What advice did you give to them?
    Mr A : I advice them not to play and make noise here and if they still want to play, just go and play outside!!!!!
     
  11. extremenanopowe

    extremenanopowe Regular Member

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    enjoy..;)
    ForSale:
    Wedding Dress, Size 8.
    Worn OnceBy Mistake.


    Every Wife Is A 'Mistress" For Her Husband.
    "Miss" For One Hour&"Stress" Forthe Rest 23 Hours..!.



    There Are Two TimesWhenA Man Doesn't UnderstandA Woman
    Before Marriage AndAfter Marriage.

    Wife : IWill Die.
    Husband :I Will Also Die.
    Wife : WhyWill You Die ?
    Husband : BecauseICan't Bear That Much Happiness..!.


    My Husband And IDivorced Over Religious Differences.
    He Thought HeWas God, And I Didn't.


    Marriage Is Like A Public Toilet
    Those Waiting Outside Are Desperate To Get In
    & Those Inside Are Desperate To Come Out.


    Why Were HurricanesUsually Named After Women?
    Because When TheyArrive,They're Wet AndWild, But
    When They Go, TheyTake YourHouse And Car..


    Text Messaging
    Husband Sends The Following Message To His Wife
    My Love,
    If You're Sleeping, Send Me Your Dreams.
    If You're Smiling, Send Me Your Smile.
    If You're Crying, Send Me Your Tears.
    I Love You.
    Wife Texed Back :
    I'm In The Toilet,
    What Should I Send You?



    The Woman Applying ForA Job In A Florida LemonGrove
    Seemed Way TooQualified For The Job.
    "Look Miss," Said The Foreman,"Have You Any Actual
    Experience InPicking Lemons?"
    "Well, As A MatterOf Fact, Yes!"She Replied.
    "I've BeenDivorced Three Times."



    Whisky Is A Brilliant Invention.
    One Double And You Start Feeling Single Again.


    A Man Goes To The Wizard To Ask IfHe Can
    Remove A Curse HeHas Been Living With For The Last 40 Years.
    The Wizard Says, "Maybe,But You Will Have To Tell Me
    The Exact Words ThatWere Used To Put The Curse On You."
    The Man SaysWithout Hesitation,
    "I Now PronounceYou Man And Wife."


    Husband Searching Keywords On Google `How To Tackle Wife?`
    Google Search Result, `still Searching`.



    A Man Goes To A Shrink And Says,"Doctor, My Wife Is UnfaithfulTo Me.
    Every Evening, She GoesTo Larry's Bar And PicksUp Men.
    In Fact, She Sleeps WithAnybody Who Asks Her!
    I'm GoingCrazy.
    What Do YouThink I Should Do?"
    "Relax," SaysThe Doctor,
    "Take A Deep Breath And CalmDown.
    Now, Tell Me, Exactly Where IsLarry's Bar?"


    Husband Throwing Darts At His Wife’s Photo And Not Even A Single One Hitting The Target..
    From Another Room Wife Called The Husband : “Honey What Are You Doing..
    Husband: “MISSING YOU”..



    A Man Goes ToSee The Rabbi.
    "Rabbi, Something Terrible Is Happening And I HaveTo Talk To You About It."
    The Rabbi Asked,"What's Wrong?"
    The Man Replied, "MyWife Is Poisoning Me."
    The Rabbi, VerySurprised By This, Asks,"How Can That Be?"
    The man then pleads,"I'm telling you, I'm certainshe's poisoning me,what should I do?"
    The RabbiThen Offers,
    "Tell You What. Let Me Talk ToHer, I'll See WhatI Can Find Out And I'll Let You Know."
    The Rabbi Calls after a while And Says,
    "Well I SpokeTo Her For Three Hours.
    You WantMy Advice?"
    The ManSaid Yes
    The RabbiReplied,
    "TakeThe poison
    '
     
  12. limsy

    limsy Regular Member

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    jokes:
    u get caught if u wear yellow or with word of 'bersih' in malaysia
     
  13. ctjcad

    ctjcad Regular Member

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    The Math Teacher

    ..this one, i'm sure a lot of you have read before; if not, enjoy!..

    Teacher Arrested

    A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press... conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.
    He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

    'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said.. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values .' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

    When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.' White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President - It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.
     
  14. extremenanopowe

    extremenanopowe Regular Member

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    A man in Hell asked Devil:
    Can I make a call to my Wife?
    After making call he asked how much to pay.
    Devil : Nothing, Hell to hell is Free.
     
  15. extremenanopowe

    extremenanopowe Regular Member

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    [TABLE]
    [TR]
    [TD="width: 100%"][TABLE]
    [TR]
    [TD][TABLE]
    [TR]
    [TD]
    [TABLE]
    [TR]
    [TD]
    NO Speak English


    A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.


    One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.


    Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.


    On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
    [/TD]
    [/TR]
    [/TABLE]



    (Please scroll down.)




























    What were you
    thinking?


    Her husband SPEAKS English!

    Now get back to your emails.


    I worry about you
    sometimes!



















    [/TD]
    [/TR]
    [/TABLE]


    [/TD]
    [/TR]
    [/TABLE]


    [/TD]
    [/TR]
    [/TABLE]
     
  16. extremenanopowe

    extremenanopowe Regular Member

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    A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?












    The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the
    man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.





    >


    >



    >


    The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same
    monastery.
    >


    >


    >


    >


    The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..


    >



    >


    That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.


    >


    >


    >


    >


    >


    The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,


    We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

    >


    >


    >


    >


    The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.

    If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?



    >


    The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.


    >


    >
    >

    The man sets about his task. Some thiry-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,996,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,779,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.



    >

    >


    >


    The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk .

    We shall now show you the way to
    the sound.

    >


    >


    >


    The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.

    >


    >


    >


    The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?


    >




    The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

    >


    >


    Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The
    man requeststhe key to the stone door.

    >


    >


    >


    The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire
    . And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...

    >


    >



    >


    >...silver, topaz, and amethyst.

    >


    >



    >


    Finally, the
    monks say, This is the key to the last door .

    >



    >


    >


    >


    >


    The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight


    >


    >


    >


    >


    >


    >


    >


    >


    .. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

    >


    >




    DON'T SWEAR AT ME;

    I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO STARTED THIS !

    but I bet you send it on
     
  17. pBmMalaysia

    pBmMalaysia Regular Member

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    That's a disturbing one :D Could have smack the idiot if he is in front :eek:
     
  18. extremenanopowe

    extremenanopowe Regular Member

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    me also. wasted my time. ;)

    40 years of marriage..


    A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
    Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
    She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
    Error! Filename not specified.
    The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband
    The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.


    The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
    The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
    Error! Filename not specified.
    So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...
    The husband became 92 years old.


    The moral of this story:
    Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....
    Error! Filename not specified.
    SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH .
    AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT!
     
  19. pBmMalaysia

    pBmMalaysia Regular Member

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    On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket.

    The blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."

    Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her.

    He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.

    Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."

    The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.

    The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."

    He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear.

    She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself,

    "Why didn't anyone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.

    He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
     
    #1420 pBmMalaysia, Jul 29, 2011
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2011

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