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Discussion in 'Chit-Chat' started by Gessle, Aug 8, 2004.

  1. extremenanopowe

    extremenanopowe Regular Member

    Apr 22, 2005
    Likes Received:
    Chief Coach. The best and still active.
    Have fun with these...

    The 5 Riddles....


    1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three
    rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of
    assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't
    eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
    - / -

    2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over
    5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out
    together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

    - / -

    3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you
    throw it away ?

    - / -

    4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words
    Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

    - / -

    5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you
    can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and
    plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing
    is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about
    it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!



    1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
    That one was easy, right?

    2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband,
    developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).

    . Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

    4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and

    5. The letter "e" which is the most common letter used in the English
    language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.

    How did you do?

  2. extremenanopowe

    extremenanopowe Regular Member

    Apr 22, 2005
    Likes Received:
    Chief Coach. The best and still active.
    Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

    After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

    They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

    'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all
    to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in myhouse.'

    'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
    The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

    Come morning, the weather had cleared, andthey got on their way.

    They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

    But about nine months
    later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

    It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

    He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked,'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

    'Yes, I do.' said Bob

    'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

    'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I
    have to admit that Idid.'

    'And did you happen to give her my name
    instead of telling her your name?'

    Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm
    afraid I did. Why do you ask?'
    'She just died and left me everything.'

    And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... you know you keep that smile for the rest of the day!

    "How happy a person can be, is not how much one has but knowing how little one needs..." ^_^
  3. extremenanopowe

    extremenanopowe Regular Member

    Apr 22, 2005
    Likes Received:
    Chief Coach. The best and still active.
    A Nigerian man called his mom: "Mom, I have AIDS".

    Mother:" Don't come back home, my son, don't come back home. God forbid!"

    Man: Why mom, why now,what I do now?

    Mother : “ foolish boy! You see my son, if you come back home, then your wife will be infected.
    From your wife to your broda, from your broda to our maid, from our maid to your daddy, from your daddy to my sistor, from my sistor to her hosband, from him to me, from me to the gardener, from the gardener to yo udder sistor.
    And if yo udder sistor got it , yoyo, then the whole village is in trouble… !
    So please please please
  4. JPort

    JPort New Member

    Aug 2, 2012
    Likes Received:
    Not exactly or joke....or particularly funny...but I came across a little app which tells you what your name would be if you were an Olympic sprinter (along the lines of Usain Bolt). Apprently I'd be Lela Boost.....Boost, get it...?
  5. extremenanopowe

    extremenanopowe Regular Member

    Apr 22, 2005
    Likes Received:
    Chief Coach. The best and still active.

    These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

    8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!
    1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
    FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
    Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

    COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

    Must sell washer and dryer £100.

    Worn once by mistake.
    Call Stephanie.
    [U][FONT=sans-serif]And the WINNER is... [/FONT][/U]
    [FONT=sans-serif] [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything. [/FONT]
    [FONT=sans-serif] [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif](Statement of the Century) [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]___________________________________________________________ [/FONT]
    [FONT=sans-serif] [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. [/FONT]
    [FONT=sans-serif] [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]How come they can't have a headache and *** at the same time?" [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]____________________________________________________________ [/FONT]
    [FONT=sans-serif] [/FONT]
    [FONT=sans-serif] [/FONT]
    [B][U][FONT=sans-serif]Children Are Quick [/FONT][/U]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]TEACHER: Why are you late? [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]STUDENT: Class started before I got here. [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]____________________________________ [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]__________________________________________ [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]TEACHER: No, that's wrong [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif](I Love this child) [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]____________________________________________ [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]DONALD: H I J K L M N O. [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]TEACHER: What are you talking about? [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]__________________________________ [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]WINNIE: Me! [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]__________________________________________ [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]_______________________________________ [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. ' [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]MILLIE: I is.. [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.' [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]________________________________ [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand..... [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]______________________________________ [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]______________________________ [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his? [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog. [/FONT]
    [FONT=sans-serif] [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif](I want to adopt this kid!!!) [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]___________________________________ [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]HAROLD: A teacher [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]__________________________________ [/FONT]
    [B][FONT=sans-serif]PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH [/FONT][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B]
  6. madbad

    madbad Regular Member

    Dec 1, 2004
    Likes Received:
    coming to a court near you...
    Breaking News:

    Robin van Persie's North London apartment is on fire.

    Police suspect Arsene
  7. nokh88

    nokh88 Regular Member

    Jun 28, 2009
    Likes Received:
    Badminton Trainee
    Badminton Academy
    [FONT=&amp]Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. [/FONT]

    [FONT=&amp]Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. [/FONT]

    [FONT=&amp]"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds." [/FONT]

    [FONT=&amp]Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked. [/FONT]

    [FONT=&amp]"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" [/FONT]

    [FONT=&amp]Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your arse, didn't it?" [/FONT]

    [FONT=&amp]He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again.[/FONT]
  8. extremenanopowe

    extremenanopowe Regular Member

    Apr 22, 2005
    Likes Received:
    Chief Coach. The best and still active.

    Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?
    Boy 2: Becos my mum said that if I look at a naked lady, I'll turn into stone.
    A part of me is getting hard already!


    Research shows men are fatter than women because every-night men get fresh milk & 2 big papayas while women only get 1 banana, 2 peanuts & 1 tea-spoon of starch!


    An arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.
    'Your name pls'?
    "Abdul Aziz "
    "***? "
    "Six times a week!! "
    "No, no, I mean male or female! "
    "Doesn't matters, sometimes even camel !"


    *** is like a restaurant.
    Sometimes you get full satisfactory service and sometimes you have to be satisfied with self-service"

    What makes a happy man?
    Daughter on the cover of cosmo.
    Son on the cover of sports illustrated.
    Mistress on the cover of playboy and...
    Wife on the cover of "missing persons"


    Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?
    To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section.

    Teacher: What do you want to become?
    Little Johnny: Doctor !!
    Teacher: Why?
    Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.


    Woman complaining to dentist: "It's so painful, I'll rather have a baby than have a tooth removed."
    Dentist: "Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the chair accordingly. "


    Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone to read :
    The engraver shortened it to: " RETURNED UNOPENED "


    75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl.
    On their first night both were crying - why???
    Coz she didn't know anything and he had forgotten everything.
  9. extremenanopowe

    extremenanopowe Regular Member

    Apr 22, 2005
    Likes Received:
    Chief Coach. The best and still active.
    [TD="width: 100%, bgcolor: white"][TABLE]
    [TD="width: 100%"][TABLE]
    [TD]GOOD WIVES.......................

    ...... the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while.

    Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curls up on the floor; eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire...

    Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the drawer, takes out 500 bucks and gives it to him.

    "Here, take this and go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight.... and remember that this happens only once... ok?
    Don’t think about it again," she said.

    The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, grabs the money and leaves quickly..
    A few minutes later, he returned and handed the money back to his wife and spoke with much disappointment:
    "She said this is not enough. She wants one thousand....."

    His wife's face slowly turns red with anger.
    "Damn that bitch... when she was pregnant and her husband came over here... I charged him only five hundreds ..."

    The guy collapsed !!!

    NB: Think THRICE when your wife is over Generous


  10. speedyJT

    speedyJT Regular Member

    Aug 28, 2012
    Likes Received:
    Software Engineer
    A husband stands nacked in the bathroom in front of the mirror and says to himself:" 5cm more, and I would be a king!"

    His wife shouts from the bedroom:" 5cm less, and you would be a princess!"

  11. extremenanopowe

    extremenanopowe Regular Member

    Apr 22, 2005
    Likes Received:
    Chief Coach. The best and still active.
    Jokes of Wife....

    [TD="width: 100%"][TABLE]
    [TD]Husband texts to wife on cell..

    "Hi, what r u doing Darling?"

    Wife: I'm dying..!

    Husband jumps with joy but types "Sweet Heart, how can I live without U?"

    Wife: "U idiot! I'm dying my hair.."

    Husband: "Bloody English Language!


    [h=2]Angry wife to her husband[/h]
    An Angry Wife To Her Husband 0n Phone:
    "Where d Hell Are You ...?"

    Husband: Darling You Remember That Jewellery Shop Where You Saw The Diamond Necklace n Totally Fell In Love With It n I Didn't Have Money That Time n I said "Baby It'll Be Yours 1 Day ... "O:)

    Wife, With A Smile & Blushing: Yeah I Remember That My Love!

    Husband: I ‘m in the Pub Just Next To That Shop

    [h=2]A Special Package for Business Men.[/h]
    An Airline Introduced A Special Package For Business Men. Buy Ur Ticket Get Ur Wife's Ticket Free. After Great Success, The Company Sent Letters To All The Wives Asking How Was The Trip.
    All Of Them Gave A Same Reply..."Which Trip?"

    [h=2]Husband was seriously ill[/h]
    Husband was seriously ill. Doc to wife: Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant & in gud mood, don’t discuss ur problems, no tv serial, don’t demand new clothes & gold jewels,
    Do this for 1 yr & he will be ok.

    On the way home.. Husband: what did the doc say ?

    Wife:- .No chance for u to survive

    [h=2]An intelligent wife[/h]
    ''An Intelligent Wife Is One Who Makes Sure She Spends So Much
    That Her Husband Can't Afford Another Women"

    [h=2]New SIM to surprise her husband[/h]
    Woman Buys A New Sim Card Puts It In Her Phone And Decides To Surprise Her Husband Who Is Seated On The Couch In The Living Room. She Goes To The Kitchen, Calls Her Husband With The New Number: "Hello Darling"

    The Husband Responds In A Low Tone: "Let Me Call U Back Later Honey, The Dumb Lady Is In The Kitchen..

    [h=2]Wife treats husband[/h]
    A Wife Treats Hubby By Taking Him To A Lap Dance Club For His Birthday ..

    At The Club: Doorman Says: Hi Jim How R You?

    Wife Asks: How Does He Know You?
    Jim Says: Oh Dear, I Play Football with Him

    Inside Barman Says: The Usual Jim ?
    Jim Says To Wife: Before You Say Anything, He's On the Darts Team in My Local

    Next A Lap Dancer Says: Hi Jim
    Do You Crave Special Again?

    The Wife Storms Out Dragging Jim With Her & Jumps Into A Taxi..

    Driver Says "Hey Jimmy Boy, You Picked Up An Ugly One This Time.."

    Jim's Funeral Is On Sunday

    [h=2]Cool message by a wife[/h]
    Cool Msg by a woman: Dear Mother-in-law, "Don't Teach me how 2 handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement"

    [h=2]Sweet demand by kid[/h]
    A Sweet demand by a kid.

    A kid was beaten by his mom. Dad came n asked - what happen son?
    Kid said-I can’t adjust with your wife anymore, I want my own.

    [h=2]Lion bounced on wife[/h]
    In an African Safari, A LION suddenly bounced on Santa's wife.
    WIFE: Shoot him! Shoot him!
    SANTA: Yes, Yes. I'm changing d battery of my camera..

    [h=2]Throwing knives on wife's picture[/h]
    Husband was throwing knives on wife’s picture. All were missing the target!
    Suddenly he received call from her "Hi, what r u doing?"
    His honest reply, "MISSING U"

    [h=2]I will think about it[/h]
    When a married man says "I'll think about it",

    What he really means that, He doesn't know his wife's opinion yet..

    [h=2]Habbit of talking in sleep[/h]
    A Lady to Doctor:
    My husband has d habit of talking in sleep! what shud i give him to cure?
    Dr: Give him an Opportunity to speak wen hez awake

    [h=2]Itni khushi bardasht nahin ker sakta[/h]
    Wife: I will die.
    Husband: I will also die.

    Wife: Why will you die?
    Husband: Because main itni khushi bardasht nahin ker sakta.

    [h=2]Part & Art of living[/h]
    Having "WIFE" Is A Part Of Living...

    But Having "GIRLFRIEND" Along With The "WIFE" Is Art Of Living.

    [h=2]Head & Neck of the family[/h]
    It is said that Husband is the head of the family, but remember that wife is the Neck of the family & the Neck can turn the Head exactly the way she wants.

    [h=2]Wife: Do you want dinner?[/h]
    Wife: Do you want dinner?
    Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
    Wife: Yes and no.

    [h=2]What is the Difference between Mother & Wife?[/h]
    What is the Difference between Mother & Wife?
    A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other ensures U Continue to do so.

    [h=2]To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire[/h]
    Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
    Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."

    Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman.
    Interviewer: "What were you before you married her?"
    Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

    [h=2]I look at your picture and the problem disappears[/h]
    Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
    Darling: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

    Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
    Darling: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem Can there be greater than this one?

    [h=2]Wife: honey what r u looking 4?[/h]
    Wife: honey, what r u looking 4?
    Husband: nothing

    Wife: why have u been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour?
    Husband: i was just looking 4 the expiry date

    [h=2]Do you know the meaning of WIFE?[/h]
    Husband asks: Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means...
    Without Information, Fighting Everytime!

    WIFE says: No darling, it means:
    With Idiot For Ever

    [h=2]Wife wish 2 be a newspaper[/h]
    Wife: I wish I was a newspaper so I would be in ur hands all day.

    Husband: I too wish that u were a newspaper so I could have a new one every day.

    [h=2]Can I make a call to my wife?[/h]
    A man in Hell asked Devil:
    Can I make a call to my Wife?
    After making call he asked how much to pay.
    Devil: Nothing, Hell to hell is Free.

    [h=2]Husband, wife & spare tyre[/h]
    HUSBAND and WIFE are like 2 tyres of a vehicle. If 1 punctures, the vehicle can't move further

    Moral: Always Keep a SPARE TYRE....

    [h=2]Similarity between chewing gum & begum[/h]
    What's the similarity between chewing gum & begum (wife) ??
    Both are sweet at the beginning and become tasteless, shapeless and chipku in the eNd...

    [h=2]WIFE IS DANGEROUS[/h]

    [h=2]Too late for garbage[/h]
    Wife Running After A Garbage Truck:
    Am I Too Late For The Garbage?

    Hubby Following Her Yelled: Not Yet.
    Jumpppp Innnn Fastttt.

    [h=2]What if you don't see me for 2 days?[/h]
    A man came home late at night after a party.
    His wife yelled:
    "how would you feel if you don't see me for two days?"
    The man couldn’t believe his luck: 'that would be great'!
    Monday passed and he didn’t see her......
    Tuesday and Wednesday passed too.....
    On Thursday his swelling became better
    And now he could see her from the corner of one eye.

    [h=2]Who is guilty (Husband / Wife)?[/h]
    Wife is dreaming in the middle of the night and suddenly shouts: "Up! Quick! My husband is back!" Man gets up, jumps out of the window, hurts himself, and then realizes: "Damn, I am the husband!"

    [h=2]Why women starts with W[/h]
    You know why women starts with 'W'...
    because all questions start with "W".. !
    Who ?
    Why ?
    What ?
    When ?
    Which ?
    Whom ?
    Where ?
    Finally Wife..!!!

    Nobody teaches Volcanoes to erupt, Tsunamis to devastate,Hurricanes to sway around & no one teaches How to choose a Wife, NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN.

    [h=2]Difference between Friend & Wife[/h]
    Difference between Friend & Wife

    U can Tell ur Friend "U r my Best Friend"
    But Do u have courage tell to ur Wife "U r my Best Wife?"

    [h=2]Dream of receiving jewellery & cloths[/h]
    Wife: yesterday-night I saw a dream that u were sending me jewellery and clothes!
    Husband: yeah, I saw your dad paying the bill!!!

    [h=2]Recently fired stock trader[/h]
    A recently fired stock trader said ...

    "This is worse than divorce... I have lost everything and I still have my wife..."

    [h=2]Message of the year[/h]
    Message of the year:-
    Women live a better, longer & peaceful life..!!
    Why? Very simple...
    A woman does not have a wife..!!!

    [h=2]Husband to a newly wed wife[/h]
    Husband to a newly wed wife: I could go to the end of the world for you.
    Wife: Thanks, but promise me you will stay there for the rest of your life.

    [h=2]Why did u shoot ur wife?[/h]
    Judge: why did u shoot ur wife instead of shooting her lover?

    Sardar: Your honour, it's easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.

    [h=2]Your husband needs rest[/h]
    Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.

    Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
    Doctor: They are for you.!!


    [TD="width: 100%"][TABLE]


  12. extremenanopowe

    extremenanopowe Regular Member

    Apr 22, 2005
    Likes Received:
    Chief Coach. The best and still active.

    The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

    I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
    One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

    We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

    Here's how it all went.

    My engaged friend:
    The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

    The mistress:
    Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild *** all night.

    Then I had to share my story:
    When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,

    What's for dinner, Zorro?"

  13. extremenanopowe

    extremenanopowe Regular Member

    Apr 22, 2005
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    Chief Coach. The best and still active.
    Let's Have Some Marriage Laughter..:D

    For Sale :
    Wedding Dress, Size 8.
    Worn Once By Mistake.

    Every Wife Is A 'Mistress" For Her Husband.
    "Miss" For One Hour & "Stress" For the Rest 23 Hours..!.

    There Are Two Times When A Man Doesn't Understand A Woman
    Before Marriage And After Marriage.
    Wife : I Will Die.
    Husband : I Will Also Die.
    Wife : Why Will You Die ?
    Husband : Because I Can't Bear That Much Happiness..!.
    My Husband And I Divorced Over Religious Differences.

    He Thought He Was God, And I Didn't.
    Marriage Is Like A Public Toilet
    Those Waiting Outside Are Desperate To Get In
    & Those Inside Are Desperate To Come Out.
    Why Were Hurricanes Usually Named After Women?

    Because When They Arrive, They're Wet And Wild, But
    When They Go, They Take Your House And Car..
    Text Messaging
    Husband Sends The Following Message To His Wife
    My Love,
    If You're Sleeping, Send Me Your Dreams.
    If You're Smiling, Send Me Your Smile.
    If You're Crying, Send Me Your Tears.
    I Love You.
    Wife Texted Back :
    I'm In The Toilet,
    What Should I Send You?
    The Woman Applying For A Job In A Florida Lemon Grove
    Seemed Way Too Qualified For The Job.
    "Look Miss," Said The Foreman, "Have You Any Actual
    Experience In Picking Lemons?"
    "Well, As A Matter Of Fact, Yes!" She Replied.
    "I've Been Divorced Three Times."

    Whisky Is A Brilliant Invention.
    One Double And You Start Feeling Single Again.
    A Man Goes To The Wizard To Ask If He Can
    Remove A Curse He Has Been Living With For The Last 40 Years.
    The Wizard Says, "Maybe, But You Will Have To Tell Me
    The Exact Words That Were Used To Put The Curse On You."
    The Man Says Without Hesitation,
    "I Now Pronounce You Man And Wife."
    Husband Searching Keywords On Google `How To Tackle Wife?`
    Google Search Result, `still Searching`.

    A Man Goes To A Shrink And Says, "Doctor, My Wife Is Unfaithful To Me.

    Every Evening, She Goes To Larry's Bar And Picks Up Men.
    In Fact, She Sleeps With Anybody Who Asks Her!
    I'm Going Crazy.
    What Do You Think I Should Do?"
    "Relax," Says The Doctor,
    "Take A Deep Breath And Calm Down.
    Now, Tell Me, Exactly Where Is Larry's Bar?"
    Husband Throwing Darts At His Wife’s Photo And Not Even A Single One Hitting The Target..
    From Another Room Wife Called The Husband : “Honey What Are You Doing..
    Husband: “MISSING YOU”..

    A Man Goes To See The Rabbi.
    "Rabbi, Something Terrible Is Happening And I Have To Talk To You About It."
    The Rabbi Asked, "What's Wrong?"
    The Man Replied, "My Wife Is Poisoning Me."
    The Rabbi, Very Surprised By This, Asks, "How Can That Be?"
    The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
    The Rabbi Then Offers,
    "Tell You What, Let Me Talk To Her.
    I'll See What I Can Find Out And I'll Let You Know."
    The Rabbi Calls after a while And Says,
    "Well I Spoke To Her For Three Hours.
    You Want My Advice?"
    The Man Said Yes
    The Rabbi Replied, "Take The poison"
  14. extremenanopowe

    extremenanopowe Regular Member

    Apr 22, 2005
    Likes Received:
    Chief Coach. The best and still active.
    Subject: Fwd: Naming Children According To Parents' Jobs! And Govt Job


    Thief’s son: Rob
    Lawyer’s son: Will
    Doctor’s son: Bill
    Hair stylist’s son: Bob
    Homeopathic doctors son: Herb
    Justice of the peace’s daughter: Mary
    Sound stage technician’s son: Mike
    Gambler’s daughter: Bette
    Iron worker’s son: Rusty
    Sweeper’s son: Dustin
    TV star’s daughter: Emmy
    Movie star’s son: Oscar
    (Author unknown)

    Talking about job, here's an old joke...
    A Government Job Interview A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?” He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.” “Have you ever served in the military?” “Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for two years.” The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.” Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?” The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.” The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Okay. You’ve got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day.” The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don’t you want me here until 10:00 am?” “This is a government job,” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our b**ls. No point in you coming in for that.”
  15. extremenanopowe

    extremenanopowe Regular Member

    Apr 22, 2005
    Likes Received:
    Chief Coach. The best and still active.
    Laughter is the best medicine for stress.

    Someone asks Ah Beng why Lee Hsien Loong goes walking only in the evening but not in the morning.
    Ah Beng replies `Because he is PM not AM'

    Ah Beng buys a new mobile. He sends a message to everyone in his Phone Book & says,

    'My Mobile number has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610'

    Ah Beng : I am proud coz my son is in Medical College .
    Friend: Really, what is he studying?
    Ah Beng: No, he is not studying, they are studying him.

    Ah Beng : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
    Dr: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
    Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.

    Ah Beng : If I die, will u remarry?
    Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
    Ah Beng : No, I'll also stay with your sister.

    Ah Beng : People consider me as a 'GOD'
    Wife: How do you know??
    Ah Beng : When I went to the park today, everybody said, Oh GOD! U have come again.

    Ah Beng reports to police: 'Sir, all items are missing except the TV in my house.'
    Police: 'Why the thief did not take TV?'
    Ah Beng : 'I was watching TV news...'

    Ah Beng comes back to his car & finds a note saying 'Parking Fine'
    He writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for compliment.'

    How do you recognize Ah Beng in school?
    He is the one who erases his notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.

    Once Ah Beng was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on the other.
    So a man asks him why. He replied that the weather forecast says that on one hand it would be

    cold and on the other hand it might be hot.

    Ah Beng goes to the cinema alone and returns later with 17 other friends.
    He had read a sign which said "Under 18 not allowed"

    Ah Beng was sitt
    ing in a bar and his cellular phone rings.
    He picks it up and says 'Hello, how did you know I am here?'

    Ah Beng : Why are all these people running?
    Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup
    Ah Beng - If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?

    Ah Beng always sit on the lower level of double
    -decker buses.
    When asked why so, he says upstairs no driver.
    Ah Beng told his servant: 'Go and water the plants!'
    Servant: 'It's already raining.'
    Ah Beng : 'So what? Take an umbrella.'

  16. extremenanopowe

    extremenanopowe Regular Member

    Apr 22, 2005
    Likes Received:
    Chief Coach. The best and still active.
    A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!”All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.The guy whispered in her ears: "I study law, and I know how to make someone feel guilty.” :)
  17. extremenanopowe

    extremenanopowe Regular Member

    Apr 22, 2005
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    Chief Coach. The best and still active.


    1. YOU can't count your hair
    2. YOU can't wash your eyes with soap
    3. YOU can't breathe when your tongue is out
    Put your tongue back in, my friend !!.

    10 Things I know about you...

    1) YOU are reading this
    2) YOU are human.
    3) YOU can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips
    4) YOU just attempted to do it
    6) YOU are laughing inwardly at yourself
    7) YOU have a smile on your face and you skipped No.5
    8) YOU just checked to see if there is a No.5
    9) YOU laugh at this because you are silly, & everyone does it too.
    10) YOU are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it
    Sorry but it's just all in fun... no offense intended

    You have received this mail because I didn’t want to be alone in the “Idiot” category.

  18. extremenanopowe

    extremenanopowe Regular Member

    Apr 22, 2005
    Likes Received:
    Chief Coach. The best and still active.


    The older we get.... (Hilarious​, Must Read)

    I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.

    She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'

    'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.

    'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

    PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!


    Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?'
    'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

    Brunette, by the way!!


    A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine. Then the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
    Dispatcher : 'Rush him in to emergency!'

    Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!


    Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't is all true...
    Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

    01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
    02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
    03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
    04. People call at 9 PM and ask, "did I wake you?"
    05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
    06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
    07. Things you buy now won't wear out.
    08. You can eat supper at 4 PM.
    09. You can live without *** but not your glasses.
    10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
    11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
    12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
    13. You sing along with elevator music.
    14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
    15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
    16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
    17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
    18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
    19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
    20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience..
    Forward this to every one you can remember right now!
    And don't forget..
    Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

  19. KayakerSteve

    KayakerSteve Regular Member

    Sep 2, 2012
    Likes Received:
    911 Dispatcher
    Prince Rupert, B.C., Canada
    Why my shoulder injury went undiagnosed:

    After I injured my shoulder playing badminton I made an appointment to go and see my doctor. I was waiting for him to come into the examining room when suddenly one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen in my life walked in.

    She was wearing a well fitted skirt, a loose silk blouse and no bra, with stilettos and she smelled great.

    She explained that my regular doctor was away and she was filling in for him. I told her about my shoulder and she began to examine me, half way through the examination she suddenly stopped looked me in the eye and told me I had to stop masturbating.

    I was shocked and embarrassed, but managed to ask her why?

    She said because she was trying to examine me.

    I was so embarrassed I left without completing the diagnoses.
  20. KayakerSteve

    KayakerSteve Regular Member

    Sep 2, 2012
    Likes Received:
    911 Dispatcher
    Prince Rupert, B.C., Canada
    Oops, I managed to double post
    #1580 KayakerSteve, Oct 18, 2012
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2012

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