Engineering humour

Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did
you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was
walking along
yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on
this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes
and said, "Take
what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly,
"Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
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Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass
is
half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs
to be.
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Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with
these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor
chimed in,
"I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor
said,
"Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi, George.
Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow,
aren't they?"
he greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
firefighters who lost their
sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let
them play for free
anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's
so sad. I think I
will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, Good
idea. And I'm
going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything
he can do
for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
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Understanding Engineers - Take Four

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all
things
mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he
happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him
regarding a
seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their
multimillion dollar
machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the
machine
to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired
engineer who
had solved so many if their problems in the past. The engineer
reluctantly
took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine.
Finally, at
the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular
component
of the machine and said, "This is where your problem is." The part was
replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received
a
bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an
itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:
Item 1: One chalk mark - $1.
Item 2: Knowing where to put item 1 $49,999.

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Understanding Engineers - Take Five

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.
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Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible
designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer.
Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an
electrical engineer.
The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The
last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic
waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
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Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
features yet."
Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle
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Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better
to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he
enjoyed
time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring
relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the
passion
and mystery he found there. The engineer said,"I like both."
"Both?" they
asked. Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will
each
assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to
the
lab and get some work done."

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Understanding Engineers - Take Nine

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him
and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent
over,
picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again
and
said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I
will stay
with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket,
smiled
at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If
you kiss
me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do
ANYTHING you
want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it
back
into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've
told you I'm
a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do
anything you want.
Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "I'm an engineer. I don't
have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's way cool."