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Thread: Jokes

  1. #154
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    This may not be that funny, it's something I overheard someone say- "Don't Indians live in reservoirs?"

  2. #155
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    Default Getting Up To Speed


    But then Again by MARY SCHNEIDER
    Reflections from a Scotswoman in Penang

    In the past year, my fingernails have grown about 36.5mm; my two
    teenagers have collectively sprouted 10cm in height; and my hair has grown
    almost 15cm in length. I have written enough words to fill two
    decent-sized novels, slept for approximately 2,900 hours, read 45 books, added a
    few more wrinkles to my growing facial collection, undergone neck
    surgery, lost a loved one and made a new friend.

    During those same 12 months, I also waited more than 8,000 hours for a
    broadband Internet connection to be established at my house.

    Just imagine, if you will, how lethargic some people must be if you
    can watch a fingernail grow to more than double its length and still not
    have any idea when they are coming to check your telephone line. In the
    time it took me to get connected, it would have been possible for
    someone to get pregnant and give birth, or learn a new language, or become
    an American Idol, or write, produce, direct and star in an Oscar-winning
    movie, or get re-elected as president.

    If you get the impression that I spent almost a year waiting patiently
    and quietly for the telephone to ring, think again! There were days
    when I was loud and impatient. Days when I’m sure I had homicidal
    tendencies. Days when the mere sight of a certain telecommunications centre
    (TC) had me fighting the urge to call them up and give them a piece of
    something they hadn’t bargained for.

    Initially, I was told that it was impossible to obtain a broadband
    connection in my area. “You’re too far away,” TC frontline personnel
    informed me in unsympathetic tones, “but we’ll let you know if the situation
    changes.”

    Whenever I dropped by the TC to check on my status, the same personnel
    would look at me as if I’d just walked in with a turd stuck to the sole
    of my shoe. I always got the feeling I was asking them for a
    ridiculously enormous favour, like making an appeal for them to donate one of
    their pristine kidneys to replace the polluted two that presently inhabit
    my body.

    Then a neighbour in my technology-deficient suburb in Outer Siberia
    told me that he’d had broadband installed a few months before. Armed with
    this information, I rushed down to the TC and spoke to one of the women
    on duty. She looked at me as if I’d just told her that Penang was
    shrouded in three inches of snow. Then she told me, yet again, that no one
    in my neighbourhood had broadband connection.

    Despite my optimism I was prepared for this eventuality. I quickly
    depressed the eject button on the side of the hapless woman’s desk,
    sending her flying through the roof and into orbit around a
    telecommunications satellite. Well, that’s what I would like to have done. Instead, I
    calmly gave her my neighbour’s telephone number and asked her to check it
    for herself. As she tapped away at her computer keyboard, I sat there
    feeling a little smug. When the tapping stopped, though, I knew by the
    expression on her face that the news wasn’t good. “Sorry!” she said,
    sounding not in the least bit sorry. “There must be some mistake. The
    system says your neighbour’s line is still under investigation.”

    “Some mistake!” I said, my voice beginning to quiver a little. “The
    mistake must be with your system!”

    I thought about an acquaintance who had been fobbed off with yet
    another story at the same TC the month before. Frustrated that she wasn’t
    able to get the same connection that others in her neighbourhood enjoyed,
    she had sat down and informed the person on duty that she would stay at
    the TC until she got what she wanted. That same day, someone was
    dispatched to her house to check her telephone line. I would hate to have
    someone call my bluff in such a situation. Besides, this acquaintance is
    tall and commanding while I’m short and capable of being physically
    thrown out the nearest window.

    However, I puffed out my chest (a waste of time with another woman),
    pulled myself up to my full height (it helps when the other person is
    seated), and demanded to see the manager. A few minutes later, I was
    speaking to a delightful woman. She listened to my story, made a few phone
    calls and told me that a technician would be around as soon as possible
    to check my line. The next day, someone showed up – but I was out.

    When I finally tracked the technician down, he told me the
    nintopanerodialbetonic line (or something like that) needed to be repaired, and he
    would be in touch when it was in working order again. There then
    followed months of some of the most ridiculous stories telling me why I
    couldn’t have broadband connection.

    Listening to one excuse after another, I was reminded of a friend who
    used to have a maid who was notorious for not turning up for work. Her
    reasons were often tragic and a little far-fetched. She was either sick
    or her daughter was sick, or her cousin’s second cousin, twice removed,
    was having a baby and she had to help with the delivery. Once, her
    mother had to have a leg amputated – the following week a religious
    ceremony was held for the amputated limb. And the week after that, the amputee
    passed away. Two years later, this maid’s mother was seen getting on a
    bus along with her daughter and their four legs.

    The technicians responsible for testing my line had similarly
    far-fetched stories to tell: the people authorising the line check were on
    holiday; the lines in my neighbourhood needed to be changed; the TC didn’t
    have an order number to process my application; I had requested the
    wrong package and needed to reapply; broadband in Penang had been
    suspended until further notice ...

    Is it any wonder that I’ve got a few more wrinkles?

    #####
    -i wonder how much of the things she says are true, but you can't deny she's got a way with phrasing sentences that make you laugh like a nutter -


  3. #156
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    NHL = No Hockey League

    Negotiation stalled because players and owners don't understand each other.
    Fans have no problem understanding either parties, they're both GREEDY.

  4. #157
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    Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.
    Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery.
    A kind old neighbor woman mistook him for John and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
    Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!" The old woman fainted.

  5. #158
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    A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner she would like to go out and have s-e-x for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had s-e-x before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and s-e-x.
    At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
    That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
    The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
    A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious."
    The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

  6. #159
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    Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine S-e-x.
    Now S-e-x has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for S-e-x. He said, "I'd like to have one, too." Then I said, "But this is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "But you don't understand. I've had S-e-x since I was nine years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.
    When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for S-e-x. He said every room in the place was for s-e-x. I said, "You don't understand. S-e-x keeps me awake at night!" The clerk said, "Me too."
    One day I entered S-e-x in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have S-e-x in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have S-e-x on TV." He called me a show-off.
    When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had S-e-x before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, S-e-x left me. He said, "Me too."
    Last night S-e-x ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for S-e-x."
    My case comes up Friday.

  7. #160
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    Thumbs up Oxford's latest definitions

    The Oxford Dictionary's latest definition of the following words:

    Divorce : Future tense of marriage.

    Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other

    Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either

    Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

    Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

    Tears :The hydraulic force by which masculine will-
    power is defeated by feminine water power.

    Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens
    and everybody disagrees later on.

    Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

    Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

    Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know
    more than you actually do.


    Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and
    sit to decide that nothing can be done together.


    Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

    Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.

    Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

    Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

    Father : A banker provided by nature.

    Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

    Doctor :A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

  8. #161
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    april fool on them
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  9. #162
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    Along simmilar lines (but bit late for Easter, well better late than never)
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  10. #163
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    DO YOU EVER FEEL LIKE DOING THIS?:

    This person realized that he was tired of staring at the monitor, and what he needed was some fresh air…. And what a great problem solver he is.. He solved the staring at the monitor and getting fresh air problem with one simple tasty solution! ROTFL! Good lookin out!

    Last edited by Anatolii; 04-06-2005 at 07:58 PM.

  11. #164
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    Default :)~~

    Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

    Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

    The doctor replies,"Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

    The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!"
    Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

    "Denise," the doctor answers.
    The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise." Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

    The doctor replies, "Denephew."

  12. #165
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    Do you like your job?

    Well, it could be worse…

    Looks like the grass may not always be greener on the other side… ROF…



  13. #166
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    i remember seeing a joke on size of ball to class of people
    let me expand on that in the name of humor

    The Projects - basketball
    Couch Potatoes - Bowling
    Blue Collars - football
    middle class - baseball
    White Collars - tennis
    Gold Collars - golf
    God - badminton (I'm a little bit bias )
    Last edited by cooler; 04-14-2005 at 03:50 PM.

  14. #167
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    Owned...............
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    Attached Images Attached Images  

  16. #169
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    pathway to fitness
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  17. #170
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    Quote Originally Posted by cooler
    Owned...............
    there's tons of those pics =) and loads of gifs too... haha....

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