User Tag List

Page 12 of 101 FirstFirst 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 62 ... LastLast
Results 188 to 204 of 1713

Thread: Jokes

  1. #188
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Location
    Basement Boiler Room
    Posts
    22,118
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Boy Gets Trapped Inside Vending Machine Sat May 21,11:29 AM ET



    A 3-year-old boy upset that his mother wouldn't let him use a crane vending machine to try to win a small stuffed animal took matters in his own hands. He climbed up the chute to get the prize himself.

    Danielle Manges said she took her eyes off her son, James, for a moment to pick up a juice bottle he threw. When she looked up, he was in with the plush toys.

    "I bent over to clean it and within two seconds he had climbed through the hole, into the chute and pushed the door shut so we couldn't get him out," she said. "He climbed up in the toys and was in there for a good hour."

    Manges said James has been sick and sleeping odd hours so they went shopping about 3 a.m. Thursday at a Wal-Mart in the city some 15 miles east of South Bend. She let the boy play on some of the rides, but wouldn't give him money for the vending machine.

    At first, Manges thought it was funny.

    "He was playing with all the toys and hanging from the bar like a monkey," she said.

    Manges said people leaving the store went back inside to buy disposable cameras to take photos of her son. She bought one herself.

    She became upset, however, when Wal-Mart employees said they did not have a key to let James out. So Manges called the fire department for help.

    "I expected his hand to be caught in the machine but it was his entire body in the machine," firefighter Anthony Coleman said. "He was swinging from a bar, jumping around. He was having a ball."

    About 40 people watched as the firefighters removed the back of the machine and freed him.

    James still came up empty handed.

    "He definitely didn't get a toy after that," Manges said.

  2. #189
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Malaysia
    Posts
    100
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

    Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

    Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

    The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****."

  3. #190
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    u.s.a.
    Posts
    19,157
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default :).

    The World's Shortest Fairy Tale

    Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "will you marry me"?

    She replied "No"

    And the guy lived happily ever after.


    The End

  4. #191
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Reading, UK
    Posts
    475
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by ctjcad
    The World's Shortest Fairy Tale

    Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "will you marry me"?

    She replied "No"

    And the guy lived happily ever after.


    The End
    haha...Is there a sequel??

  5. #192
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    u.s.a.
    Posts
    19,157
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default Headache*:)*

    Need sound for full impact...

    http://www.srvineet.net/temp/beware.mpg

  6. #193
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Location
    Basement Boiler Room
    Posts
    22,118
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by jcl49
    haha...Is there a sequel??
    i think the above link makes a great sequel

  7. #194
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Canberra, Australia
    Posts
    746
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    For Lexiophiles (lovers of words)
    A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

    What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.

    Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

    A backward poet writes inverse.

    In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count that votes.

    She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

    A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

    If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

    With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

    Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

    When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

    The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

    A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.

    You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

    Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

    He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

    Every calendar's days are numbered.

    A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

    A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

    He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

    A plateau is a high form of flattery.

    The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

    Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

    When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

    Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

    When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

    Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

    Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

    Acupuncture is a jab well done.

    Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

  8. #195
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Canberra, Australia
    Posts
    746
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE

    A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in
    the parish. A leading local politician and member of the
    congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little
    speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his
    own few words while they waited.

    " I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I
    heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The
    very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a
    television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the
    officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his
    place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal
    drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went
    on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed,
    come to a fine parish full good and loving people."..

    Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of
    apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the
    presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our
    parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the
    honour of being the first one to go to him in confession."
    Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE

  9. #196
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    u.s.a.
    Posts
    19,157
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default *:)*

    For Lexiophiles (lovers of words)

    A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

    What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.

    Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

    A backward poet writes inverse.

    In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count that votes.

    She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

    A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

    If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

    With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

    Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

    When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

    The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

    A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.

    You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

    Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

    He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

    Every calendar's days are numbered.

    A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

    A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

    He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

    A plateau is a high form of flattery.

    The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

    Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

    When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

    Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

    When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

    Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

    Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

    Acupuncture is a jab well done.

    Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

  10. #197
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Malaysia
    Posts
    100
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Isn't this a reply ??

  11. #198
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Malaysia
    Posts
    100
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Isn't this a repeat ??

  12. #199
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Malaysia
    Posts
    100
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by valkyier
    Isn't this a reply ??
    Sorry guys...I screwed this 2 msgs up....reply=repeat

  13. #200
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    burnaby british columbia
    Posts
    192
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
    The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

    "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"

    The little boy nodded yes.

    "So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"

    Again the little boy nodded.

    "Good," said the coach, "now go over there and explain it to your mother."


    It was the last day of school, and all the students were bringing presents for their teacher. A florist's daughter came up and gave her teacher a box.
    The teacher said, I'll bet these are flowers!” The girl replied, “How did you know?"

    “Just a lucky guess,” she said.

    Next, a boy whose family owned a candy store came up and gave the teacher a box. She said that she knew it was candy. When the boy asked how she knew, she again said, “Just a lucky guess.'”

    Finally, a boy whose father owned a liquor store came up and gave the teacher a box, but one of the box's corners was damp from a leak. The teacher asked the boy if it was wine. The boy said, “No.” She touched the leak and put it to her tongue and asked if it was champagne. The boy again said no.

    Finally, she gave up and asked him what was in the box.

    He said happily, “A puppy!”
    bighook

  14. #201
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    burnaby british columbia
    Posts
    192
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
    'Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?'
    The man below says: 'Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.'

    'You must work in Information Technology' says the balloonist.

    'I do' replies the man. 'How did you know?'

    'Well' says the balloonist, 'Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone.'

    The man below says, 'You must work in business.'

    'I do' replies the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

    'Well,' says the man, 'You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault.'
    bighook

  15. #202
    Regular Member wilfredlgf's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Location
    Malaysia
    Posts
    2,579
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    The Official Language of the EU

    The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen ve vil haf ze vorld!

  16. #203
    Regular Member wilfredlgf's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Location
    Malaysia
    Posts
    2,579
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Something guaranteed to brighten up your day:

    http://www.ebaumsworld.com/ahhflash.html

    The ending is hillarious! I am still laughing now!

  17. #204
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Perth, Australia
    Posts
    2,784
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by wilfredlgf
    The Official Language of the EU.......
    Sounds like russian to me

Page 12 of 101 FirstFirst 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 62 ... LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. Strange...Can't Find the Jokes anymore???
    By Young Yang in forum Chit-Chat
    Replies: 2
    : 05-03-2008, 12:04 PM
  2. Some jokes during our suppertime@ccc
    By chris-ccc in forum CCC Badminton Club
    Replies: 3
    : 06-20-2007, 12:31 PM
  3. tennis player jokes
    By The Badminator in forum Chit-Chat
    Replies: 7
    : 04-28-2007, 04:01 PM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •