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Thread: Jokes

  1. #222
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    Default Sound scale

    I got this tibit from a business paper

    How Loud Enough Sounds Really Are

    80 dB dial tone
    110 db power saw
    115 db Maria Sharapova grunting her way through her tennis match
    125 db pneumatic riveter
    138 db Maria Sharapova playing tennis while operating a pneumatic riveter
    148 db jet engine at 30m
    185 db Maria Sharapova hits match point, passing birds fall to their death

  2. #223
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    Quote Originally Posted by cooler
    I got this tibit from a business paper

    How Loud Enough Sounds Really Are

    80 dB dial tone
    110 db power saw
    115 db Maria Sharapova grunting her way through her tennis match
    125 db pneumatic riveter
    138 db Maria Sharapova playing tennis while operating a pneumatic riveter
    148 db jet engine at 30m
    185 db Maria Sharapova hits match point, passing birds fall to their death
    LOL!! HAHAHAHHAHA..

  3. #224
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    Quote Originally Posted by cooler
    115 db Maria Sharapova grunting her way through her tennis match
    no kidding. i was watching her match with nadia petrova last night (the repeat).. those grunts, you call it? really weird ! not to mention off-putting. i'd hate to have been there.

  4. #225
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    Quote Originally Posted by Anatolii
    no kidding. i was watching her match with nadia petrova last night (the repeat).. those grunts, you call it? really weird ! not to mention off-putting. i'd hate to have been there.
    Is it a joke that you've suddenly reappeared after a long silence?

  5. #226
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    Hey, that's not such a nice thing to say about Maria. She's gorgeous, good in tennis, good model sportswomen, gorgeous, wins many things compared to another Russian, good on grass court, gorgeous and most of all, she achieves what she does well. She may grunt but that's her style.

    Did I tell you she's gorgeous as well as good in tennis?

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    Default guy speak

    “I’M GOING FISHING”
    Means: “I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”

    IT’S A GUY THING”
    Means: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical”.

    “CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?”
    Means: “Why isn’t it already on the table?”

    “I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT’S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND.”
    Means: “I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.”

    “TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU’RE WORKING TOO HARD”.
    Means: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

    “THAT’S INTERESTING, DEAR.”
    Means: “Are you still talking?”

    “HEY, I’VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I’M DOING”.
    Means: “And I sure hope I think of some pretty darn soon.”

    “UH HUH,” “SURE, HONEY,” OR “YES, DEAR…”
    Means: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.

    “IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN”
    Means: “I have no idea how it works.”

    “I CAN’T FIND IT.”
    Means: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”

    “WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?”
    Means: “What did you catch me at?”

    “I HEARD YOU.”
    Means: “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.”

    “YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE.”
    Means: “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”

    “YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.”
    Means: “Please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving already.”

    “I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.”
    Means: “No one will ever see us alive again.”

    “WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK.”
    Means: “I make the mess, she cleans it up.”

    “YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.”
    Means: “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”

    “I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES”.
    Means: “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”

    “OH, DON’T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT’S NO BIG DEAL.”
    Means: “I have actually severed a limb, and I will bleed to death before I admit that I’m hurt.”

    ***

    how sinful are you


    (it seems i'll "die while sleeping, and no one will notice"!! hyuk!hyuk! ROF) - 100% sloth, 20% envy, 20% gluttony.


    ***

    LOL.. Looks like this pilot either lost his plane, or he is just a few minutes late… Well, tomorrow is another day… Try again.. Good luck!
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    Last edited by Anatolii; 07-15-2005 at 02:45 AM.

  7. #228
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    A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants ***, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong baby. I love you too!!"

  8. #229
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    Default Looks can be deceiving!!


    looks like he will sure wanna stay deceived.
    Attached Images Attached Images  

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    the C.I.A , the F.B.I and the L.A.P.D decided to have a competition to see who had the best techniques for finding criminals. so they decided to release a rabbit in to the woods and whoever got the rabbit the quickest was the winner.

    So the C.I.A released their rabbit in to the woods but they couldnt find it , about 3 days later they sent in some spies dressed as rabbits but still no luck . one week later the C.I.A claim that officially rabbits dont exist.

    The F.B.I release thier rabbit in to the woods but nothing happens. Two days later the woods mysteriously burn down and the F.B.I drag a dead rabbit out. according to the F.B.I the rabbit had it comming to him.

    Finally the L.A.P.D release their rabbit in to the woods and about two hours later they drag a bear that has had the **** kicked out of him out of the woods and the bear is screaming "Alright Alright i'm a rabbit i'm a rabbit" .

  10. #231
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    THE BEAR AND THE RABBIT

    Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much and one day, whilst they were walking through the woods they came across a golden frog. The frog turned to them and said: "Ooh, I don't often meet anyone in these parts." They were amazed that the frog had talked to them.

    The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes. You can have three wishes each in this case.

    Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish.

    Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.

    Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.

    Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.

    Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.

    The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.

    Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!

  11. #232
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    One day an employee sends a letter to Her boss asking for an increase in her salary!!!



    Dear Bo$$,

    In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tandin g of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given < B>$o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

    I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.


    Your$ $incerely,
    Marian $hih



    The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply:

    Dear Marian,

    I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

    NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

    I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

    Yours truly,
    Manager

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    A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'.

    'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.

    The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.

    'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?'

    The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.

  13. #234
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    A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler’s trainer came to him and said, “Now, don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this ‘pretzel’ hold he has. Whatever you do, don’t let him get you in this hold! If he does, you’re finished!” The wrestler nodded in acknowledgement.

    As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

    A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t even watch the ending.

    Suddenly, there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to watch the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian’s back hit the mat with a thud, and the American collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

    The trainer was astounded. When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, “How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!”

    The wrestler answered, “Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.”

    “So,” the trainer exclaimed, “that finished him off, did it?”

    “No, but you’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!”

  14. #235
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    Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians.

    While touring a reservation during the documentary, she was puzzled as to why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses. So she asked a brave why he had only one feather in his headdress and his reply was, "Only have one woman -- one woman, one feather."

    Feeling the first fellow was only joking, she asked another brave. This brave had two feathers in his headdress, and he replied, "Me have two women-- two women, two feathers."

    Still not convinced the feathers indicated the number of sexual partners involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers, which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"

    The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said: "Me Chief, me sleep with 'em all. "Big, small, fat and tall - me sleep with 'em all!"

    Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung." The Chief said: "You damn right, me hung, big like buffalo, long like snake."

    Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so hostile." The Chief replied: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style, me sleep with 'em all."

    With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh, dear. "The Chief said: "No deer. Ass too high, run too fast."

  15. #236
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    This guy has four daughters who all live at home. One Friday night the doorbell rings. The guy answers it and a kid standing there says
    "Hi, I'm Freddy.
    I'm here to pick up Betty.
    We're gonna go eat spaghetti.
    Is she ready?"

    The man, mildly amused calls down his daughter and the two leave.

    A few minutes later the doorbell rings again and he answers. A kid
    standing there says
    "Hi, I'm Jim.
    I'm here to see Kim.
    We're gonna go for a swim.
    Can I come in?"

    The guy, now perplexed, says "Yes." and the two take off.

    A few minutes later the doorbell rings and again the father answers. A kid standing there says
    "Hi, I'm Joe.
    I'm here to pick up Flo.
    We're gonna go to the show.
    Can she go?"

    The man, now kind of annoyed says "Yes." the two depart.

    Sure enough, a few minutes later the door rings and the father answers. A kid standing there says "Hi, I'm Chuck.."

    The father shot him.

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    There once was a very good old barber in New York.

    One day a florist goes to him for a haircut.

    After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you.

    I am doing community service." The Florist is happy and leaves the shop.


    The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

    A policeman goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut.


    But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service." The cop is happy and leaves
    the shop.

    The next morning the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.


    A Singaporean software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut.

    But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service." The Singaporean software
    engineer is happy and leaves.

    The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there...

    Can you guess?

















    Come on, try thinking like a Singaporean....

















    have you got the answer???














    come on . guess




















    a dozen Singaporeans are waiting for a free haircut!

    just a joke.. apology to all singaporeans

  17. #238
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    My First Time
    ***********
    The sky was dark, the moon was high
    All alone just her and I.
    Her hair so soft, her eyes so blue
    I knew just what she wanted to do.
    Her skin so soft, her legs so fine
    I ran my fingers down her spine.
    I didn't know how but I tried my best
    To place my hand on her breasts.
    I remember my fear, my fast beating heart
    But slowly she spread her legs apart.
    And when she did it. I felt no shame
    All at once the white stuff came.
    At last it's finished. It's all over now
    My first time........





    Milking a cow!!!


    What were you thinking? You Dirty Minded!

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