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Thread: Jokes

  1. #256
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    Default True stories from doctors

    >>>> True stories from doctors:
    >>>>
    >>>> A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have
    >>>>her baby
    >>>> in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,
    >>>>lifted the lady's
    >>>> dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I
    >>>>noticed that there
    >>>> were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one.
    >>>>
    >>>> Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
    >>>> ------------------------------------------------------------
    >>>> At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an
    >>>> elderly and
    >>>> slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big
    >>>> breaths," I
    >>>> instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
    >>>>
    >>>> Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
    >>>> ------------------------------------------------------------
    >>>> One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a
    >>>>wife that her
    >>>> husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more
    >>>>than five
    >>>> minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the
    >>>>family that he
    >>>> had died of a "massive internal fart."
    >>>>
    >>>> Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
    >>>> ------------------------------------------------------------
    >>>> I was performing a complete physical, including using the
    >>>>visual
    >>>> acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart

    >>>>and began,
    >>>> "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20
    >>>>line perfectly.
    >>>> "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I
    >>>>requested.
    >>>> There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the

    >>>>top line.
    >>>> I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had

    >>>>asked;
    >>>> he was standing there with both his eyes covered.
    >>>> I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
    >>>>
    >>>> Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
    >>>> ------------------------------------------------------------
    >>>> During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
    >>>> cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having

    >>>>trouble with
    >>>> one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch.
    >>>>The nurse
    >>>> told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm
    >>>>running out of places
    >>>> to put it!"
    >>>>
    >>>> I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I
    >>>>wouldn't see.
    >>>> Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
    >>>>
    >>>> Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch
    >>>>before applying
    >>>> a new one.
    >>>>
    >>>> Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
    >>>> ------------------------------------------------------------
    >>>> While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I
    >>>>asked, "How
    >>>> long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete
    >>>>confusion she
    >>>> answered."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband
    >>>>was alive."
    >>>>
    >>>> Dr Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR
    >>>> ------------------------------------------------------------
    >>>> I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's
    >>>> your
    >>>> breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the
    >>>> Kentucky
    >>>> Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient
    >>>> replied.
    >>>> I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil

    >>>> packet
    >>>> labeled "KY Jelly."
    >>>>
    >>>> Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI
    >>>> ------------------------------------------------------------
    >>>> A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young
    >>>>woman with
    >>>> purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a
    >>>>variety of
    >>>> tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was
    >>>>quickly determined
    >>>> that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
    >>>>scheduled for immediate
    >>>> surgery.
    >>>>
    >>>> When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the

    >>>>staff
    >>>> noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above
    >>>>it there
    >>>> was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."Once the
    >>>>surgery was completed,
    >>>> the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
    >>>>which said,
    >>>> "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
    >>>> ------------------------------------------------------------
    >>>> And finally........A new, young MD doing his residency in
    >>>>OB was quite
    >>>> embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his
    >>>>embarrassment
    >>>> he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
    >>>>
    >>>> The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam

    >>>>suddenly
    >>>> burst out laughing and further embarrassed him He looked up

    >>>>from his work
    >>>> and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She
    >>>>replied, "No doctor,
    >>>> but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar

    >>>>Meyer Wiener".
    >>>>
    >>>> (Dr. wouldn't give his name)

  2. #257
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    Default 25 cents

    --25 Cents....

    A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

    "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

    Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

    "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

  3. #258
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    Default

    Worst joke ever, dunno if it's already in this thread, I ain't gonna look for it anyway...


    Did you hear about the dog called Minton who kept eating shuttlecocks? Bad Minton!

  4. #259
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Big Slick
    Worst joke ever, dunno if it's already in this thread, I ain't gonna look for it anyway...


    Did you hear about the dog called Minton who kept eating shuttlecocks? Bad Minton!
    pretty good, i havent heard that 1 before

  5. #260
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    Default jokes, it depend on the audience

    North Korean leader defies all the odds to card 11 holes in one

    BILLY BRIGGS August 03 2005

    IT was a claim that would have made even Tiger Woods blush. Kim Jong-il, the leader of North Korea, has casually suggested that, during the first round of golf he ever played, he notched up a mere 11 holes in one.
    Assuming he is telling the whole truth, and the course was more than a municipal putting green in central Pyongyang, the leader of the world's most secretive state defied astronomical odds to card his 11 aces.
    It is estimated to be a one in 14 million chance to have two during a round of 18 holes, the same odds as winning the UK National Lottery. Achieving nine more would add quite a few more zeros.
    Still, Kim's proclaimed prowess is not confined to the golf course. According to the North Korean website article published yesterday which featured his aces, he also pilots jet fighters, writes operas, and produces films in his spare time.
    The extravagant claims also stretched to the fact that he can easily memorise hundreds of lines of computer codes.
    The article said Kim wakes up early every day for intensive memory training where he sits down and commits to mind items such as the phone numbers of workers in his state.
    Once, when the North Korean leader visited a cemetery, it added, he glanced at tombs and could later remember the achievements and characteristics of scores of dead people.
    The website said Kim told all workers across the nation they should develop their ability to memorise. "The memory of a person gets better when a person uses their brain often," he was quoted as saying.
    Or they could just work on their golf swing.

  6. #261
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default Monthly..-:)

    January
    Took her new scarf back to the store because it
    was too tight.

    February
    Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the bottles
    wouldn't fit into
    the typewriter.

    March
    Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle
    in 6 months because
    the box said "2-4 years."

    April
    Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the
    power went out.

    May
    Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water
    won't fit into those
    little packets.

    June
    Couldn't learn to water ski because she
    couldn't find a lake with a
    slope.

    July
    After losing in a breast stroke swimming
    competition, complained to
    the judges that the other swimmers were using their
    arms.

    August
    Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to
    get into their
    locked car using a coat hanger because it was
    starting to rain and the
    top was down.

    September
    When asked what the capital of California was:
    answered "C."

    October
    Hates M & M's because they are so hard to peel.

    November
    Baked a turkey for 4 days because the
    instructions said one hour
    per pound and she weighed 120.

    December
    Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on
    any phone button.

  7. #262
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Gessle
    The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.
    He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered "Hello?"
    Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" - "Yes", whispered the small voice.
    "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
    Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" - "Yes," came the answer.
    "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No". Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
    "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes", whispered the child, "A policeman."
    Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" - "No, he's busy", whispered the child.
    "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
    Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" - "A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
    In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
    Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
    Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "They're looking for me."

    -_-'' i thought what happen...

  8. #263
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    in france, french people that eat eggs eat 1 egg for breakfast, how come not more?

  9. #264
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    Quote Originally Posted by cooler
    in france, french people that eat eggs eat 1 egg for breakfast, how come not more?
    because an egg is un oeuf (enough)!!

    *laughs*

    (i just found that out).

    .. this one caught my eye too. when's a door not a door?
    Last edited by Anatolii; 08-07-2005 at 01:27 AM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Anatolii
    because an egg is un oeuf (enough)!! *laughs*
    hahahaha, good one. You got it!! How the heck a malaysian knows more french than me (which is not alot)

  11. #266
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    Quote Originally Posted by cooler
    How the heck a malaysian knows more french than me (which is not alot)
    relax! it isn't difficult if all i had to do was just do a search: "french egg joke". BAM! i got the answer.

    may i know why a non-living thing has a gender. an egg is a masculine, it seems!

  12. #267
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    Post E-mail

    dont think this has been posted before.

    E-mail

    it's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

    Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

    When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

    Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
    P.S. Sure is hot down here.

  13. #268
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    Default

    When it's "ajar"

    Quote Originally Posted by Anatolii
    because an egg is un oeuf (enough)!!

    *laughs*

    (i just found that out).

    .. this one caught my eye too. when's a door not a door?

  14. #269
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default W in New Orleans..:p

    Good Fish'n in New Orleans..
    This is true..Apprarently W(and his dad) caught 2 basses and 1 trout over the weekend...and then the National Guard had to order them out of the water...it will be on the news tonight...

    This is a laugh...
    Attached Images Attached Images  
    Last edited by ctjcad; 09-12-2005 at 12:36 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by ctjcad
    Good Fish'n in New Orleans..
    This is true..Apprarently W(and his dad) caught 2 basses and 1 trout over the weekend...and then the National Guard had to order them out of the water...it will be on the news tonight...

    This is a laugh...

    Sigh. What can I say? It may not be a true story but that summarizes what kind of our president is.

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    * don't anyone get offended by this*

    "Only Chinese can have this idea"

    A family in the Southern Province of China, were puzzled when the coffin of their dead grandmother arrived from the States. It was sent by one of the daughters. The dead body was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin with no space left in it! When they opened the lid, they found a letter on top which read as follows:

    Dear Cousins,

    I am sending Ahma body to you since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in Tung Shin. Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed.

    You will find inside the coffin, under Ahma's body, 12 cans of Yohmeitsu, 10 packets Swiss chocolate and 8 packets of Chinatown Lap Cheong. Please divide these among all of you.

    On Ahma's feet you will find a new pair of Nike Air shoes (size 10) for Ah boy. Also, there are 2 pairs of shoes for Ah Mei's and Ah Lien's sons. Hope the sizes are correct. Ahma is wearing 6 CK T-Shirts. The large size is for Ah Bak and the others are for my nephews. Just distribute them among yourselves. The 2 new Armani Jeans that Ahma is wearing are for the boys. The Rolex watch that Lee Ah Bai wanted is on Ahma's left wrist. Kiasu Aunty Pei Pei, Ahma is wearing the Tiffany necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them. The 6 white Polo cotton socks that Ahma is wearing must be divided among my teenage cousins.

    Let me know what else you need as Ah Kong is also not keeping well nowadays. I can send all required things when our Ah Kong goes back too............

  17. #272
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by ctjcad
    Good Fish'n in New Orleans..
    This is true..Apprarently W(and his dad) caught 2 basses and 1 trout over the weekend...and then the National Guard had to order them out of the water...it will be on the news tonight...

    This is a laugh...

    pic looks fake

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