User Tag List

Page 17 of 102 FirstFirst ... 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 67 ... LastLast
Results 273 to 289 of 1719

Thread: Jokes

  1. #273
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Home / Office
    Posts
    236
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default Harvard maths problem

    Harvard maths problem....
    Attached Images Attached Images  

  2. #274
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    PJ, Mal
    Posts
    583
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Wink The Top 10 best answering machine messages...

    Quote Originally Posted by txyu
    When it's "ajar"
    10 . My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave
    your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

    9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
    messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a tub,and their carpets
    are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture
    taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and
    they will get back to you.

    8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic
    thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your
    number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning
    your call.

    7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
    Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one
    of these magnets.

    6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the
    money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you
    didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If
    you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.

    5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're
    not here. So, leave a message.

    4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a"sexy"
    message, I'll call sooner.

    3. Hi. Now YOU say something.

    2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me
    a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

    And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages.

    1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right
    now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it
    up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a
    message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back

  3. #275
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Location
    Basement Boiler Room
    Posts
    22,118
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default weather jokes

    Cold Winter

    It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the heck the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.

    He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

    "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,"
    the Meteorologist at the weather service responded.

    So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

    One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is
    it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked.

    "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

    The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

    Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

    "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

    The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
    ---------------------------------
    Did you hear that Norm Groman, the TV weatherman failed his meteorologist exam. They caught him looking out the window.

  4. #276
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    Dallas,TX. (From India)
    Posts
    985
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Pondering
    I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said Implants?" She hit me.
    I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
    Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
    I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
    I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
    If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
    I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
    I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
    I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
    Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I have stayed alive.
    How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
    Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
    Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
    Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
    Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
    A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"-
    I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
    When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
    The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.
    Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
    Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
    Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
    My ex used to say I never listen to her (at least I think that's what she said).
    Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
    Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
    If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOR!
    Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
    Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?


  5. #277
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    Singapore
    Posts
    188
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    John: Look at that dead bird!
    Peter (looks skyward): Where? Where got?

    ---------------------------------------------------------
    John decided to impress his date and so brought her to a very chic Italian restaurant. They sipped some wine, then John picked up the menu. "We'll have the Giuseppi Spomdalucci please."

    The waiter replied, "I'm sorry, sir. That's the owner."

  6. #278
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    556
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by malayali

    Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
    im usre many chinese won't take this joke lightly

  7. #279
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Holland
    Posts
    3,966
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    a mand and his son are sitting in a Car, the cars crashes and both of them are knocked out.
    the man goes into an ambulance to Hospital A, and the boy with a chopper to hospital B.
    at hospital B, at the time teh man gets to hospic A, the boys is in need of surgery.
    in the OR the doctor who is asinged to opertate says:'i can't operate this kid, that's my son"

    how is this possible

  8. #280
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Holland
    Posts
    3,966
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    the doctor is a women, his mother.



    this riddle was 'invented' in the 80' as a 'counter' to feminism, since even they didn't get it...

  9. #281
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    117
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default



    Golf with the Wife A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
    Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
    "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."
    "That's when I made my big mistake."
    "What did you do?" asks the doctor.
    "Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

    "I don't remember much after that!"

  10. #282
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Home / Office
    Posts
    236
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default Stress, Tension & Panic

    wat's da difference between stress, tension n panic?

    stress is wen wife's pregnant
    tension is wen gf's pregnant
    panic is wen both r pregnant

  11. #283
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Home / Office
    Posts
    236
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default Rent for Apartment

    A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend
    the night with him for $500.00. So they spent the
    night together. In the morning, before he left, he
    told the girl that he did not have any cash with
    him, but that he would have his secretary write a
    cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment
    "Rent for Apartment."

    On the way to the office, he regretted what he had
    done, realizing that the whole event was not worth
    the price. So, he sent a cheque for $250.00 and
    enclosed a note:


    Dear Madam,

    Enclosed find a cheque in the amount of $250.00
    for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the
    amount agreed upon because when I rented the
    apartment, I was under the impression that:

    1. It had never been occupied.
    2. There was plenty of heat.
    3. It was small enough to make me cosy and at home.

    Last night, however, I found out that it had been
    previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat,
    and that it was entirely too large.


    Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
    sent back the following reply.....


    ************************************************** *******



    Dear Sir:

    First of all, I cannot understand how you expect
    such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied
    indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of
    it if you know how to turn it on.

    Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of
    regular size, but if you don't have enough
    furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.

    I will expect full payment due immediately or I
    will be forced to hire someone to remove your
    furniture!

  12. #284
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Home / Office
    Posts
    236
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default Q&A

    Q: Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito
    enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?
    A: The boy's hand

    Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
    A: Both keep searching for new HOLES.

    Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
    A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-days and if it
    doesn't come means you are in big trouble.

    Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
    A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology. When the
    baby looks like the neighbour, then it is sociology.

    Q: What's the height of recycling?
    A: Sending a sanitary napkin for dry cleaning

    Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as
    I have advised?
    A: Lady: Doctor, I thought you had said 3 males a day

  13. #285
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Home / Office
    Posts
    236
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default Marry the perfect woman

    An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond comparison.

    With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

    The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

    The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

    The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

    "Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

    The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry." So they were wed right away.

    Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the most ugly, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

    "Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...pregnant when you met her."

  14. #286
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Location
    Basement Boiler Room
    Posts
    22,118
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default definition of failure and lucky

    try this before it stops working!!!!!! Trust me it will bring a
    smile to your face today

    >No wonder so many people say google's search engine can find anything
    >for you.

    1 - Go to Google ( http://www.google.com )

    2 - Type in the word "Failure"

    3 - Instead of clicking "Google Search," click "I'm Feeling Lucky."

  15. #287
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Home / Office
    Posts
    236
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by cooler
    try this before it stops working!!!!!! Trust me it will bring a
    smile to your face today

    >No wonder so many people say google's search engine can find anything
    >for you.

    1 - Go to Google ( http://www.google.com )

    2 - Type in the word "Failure"

    3 - Instead of clicking "Google Search," click "I'm Feeling Lucky."
    haha... how come it brought me to tat biography...

    definitely the search n d result is related.

  16. #288
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Location
    Basement Boiler Room
    Posts
    22,118
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Gessle
    haha... how come it brought me to tat biography...

    definitely the search n d result is related.
    of course it is related.
    If u type in other words u dont get that.

  17. #289
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Home / Office
    Posts
    236
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by cooler
    of course it is related.
    If u type in other words u dont get that.
    No. I meant "failure" is related "tat" person.

Page 17 of 102 FirstFirst ... 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 67 ... LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. Strange...Can't Find the Jokes anymore???
    By Young Yang in forum Chit-Chat
    Replies: 2
    : 05-03-2008, 12:04 PM
  2. Some jokes during our suppertime@ccc
    By chris-ccc in forum CCC Badminton Club
    Replies: 3
    : 06-20-2007, 12:31 PM
  3. tennis player jokes
    By The Badminator in forum Chit-Chat
    Replies: 7
    : 04-28-2007, 04:01 PM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •