Results 273 to 289 of 1713
09-13-2005, 08:02 AM #273
Harvard maths problem
Harvard maths problem....
09-13-2005, 09:00 AM #274
The Top 10 best answering machine messages...Originally Posted by txyu
your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a tub,and their carpets
are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture
taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and
they will get back to you.
8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your
number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning
7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one
of these magnets.
6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the
money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you
didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If
you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.
5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're
not here. So, leave a message.
4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a"sexy"
message, I'll call sooner.
3. Hi. Now YOU say something.
2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me
a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages.
1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right
now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it
up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a
message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back
09-21-2005, 09:21 AM #275
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the heck the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.
He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,"
the Meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is
it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked.
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
Did you hear that Norm Groman, the TV weatherman failed his meteorologist exam. They caught him looking out the window.
09-21-2005, 01:34 PM #276
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said Implants?" She hit me.
I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I have stayed alive.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"-
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
My ex used to say I never listen to her (at least I think that's what she said).
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOR!
Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?
09-23-2005, 10:13 AM #277
John: Look at that dead bird!
Peter (looks skyward): Where? Where got?
John decided to impress his date and so brought her to a very chic Italian restaurant. They sipped some wine, then John picked up the menu. "We'll have the Giuseppi Spomdalucci please."
The waiter replied, "I'm sorry, sir. That's the owner."
09-23-2005, 10:33 AM #278
Originally Posted by malayali
09-26-2005, 02:14 PM #279
a mand and his son are sitting in a Car, the cars crashes and both of them are knocked out.
the man goes into an ambulance to Hospital A, and the boy with a chopper to hospital B.
at hospital B, at the time teh man gets to hospic A, the boys is in need of surgery.
in the OR the doctor who is asinged to opertate says:'i can't operate this kid, that's my son"
how is this possible
09-26-2005, 02:15 PM #280
the doctor is a women, his mother.
this riddle was 'invented' in the 80' as a 'counter' to feminism, since even they didn't get it...
10-04-2005, 01:58 AM #281
Golf with the Wife A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."
"That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
"I don't remember much after that!"
10-12-2005, 12:58 AM #282
Stress, Tension & Panic
wat's da difference between stress, tension n panic?
stress is wen wife's pregnant
tension is wen gf's pregnant
panic is wen both r pregnant
10-12-2005, 02:03 AM #283
Rent for Apartment
A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend
the night with him for $500.00. So they spent the
night together. In the morning, before he left, he
told the girl that he did not have any cash with
him, but that he would have his secretary write a
cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment
"Rent for Apartment."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had
done, realizing that the whole event was not worth
the price. So, he sent a cheque for $250.00 and
enclosed a note:
Enclosed find a cheque in the amount of $250.00
for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the
amount agreed upon because when I rented the
apartment, I was under the impression that:
1. It had never been occupied.
2. There was plenty of heat.
3. It was small enough to make me cosy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been
previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat,
and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
sent back the following reply.....
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect
such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied
indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of
it if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of
regular size, but if you don't have enough
furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.
I will expect full payment due immediately or I
will be forced to hire someone to remove your
10-21-2005, 12:58 AM #284
Q: Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito
enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?
A: The boy's hand
Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new HOLES.
Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-days and if it
doesn't come means you are in big trouble.
Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology. When the
baby looks like the neighbour, then it is sociology.
Q: What's the height of recycling?
A: Sending a sanitary napkin for dry cleaning
Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as
I have advised?
A: Lady: Doctor, I thought you had said 3 males a day
10-21-2005, 04:24 PM #285
Marry the perfect woman
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond comparison.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry." So they were wed right away.
Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the most ugly, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...pregnant when you met her."
10-21-2005, 07:56 PM #286
definition of failure and lucky
try this before it stops working!!!!!! Trust me it will bring a
smile to your face today
>No wonder so many people say google's search engine can find anything
1 - Go to Google ( http://www.google.com )
2 - Type in the word "Failure"
3 - Instead of clicking "Google Search," click "I'm Feeling Lucky."
10-21-2005, 08:40 PM #287
Originally Posted by cooler
definitely the search n d result is related.
10-21-2005, 08:59 PM #288
Originally Posted by Gessle
If u type in other words u dont get that.
10-21-2005, 09:07 PM #289
Originally Posted by cooler
By Young Yang in forum Chit-ChatReplies: 2: 05-03-2008, 12:04 PM
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