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Thread: Jokes

  1. #290
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gessle
    No. I meant "failure" is related "tat" person.
    so is 'feeling lucky'

  2. #291
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    try "miserable failure"

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    it might have been hacked so it does that

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    it's still funny as hell

  5. #294
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gessle
    The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
    "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
    "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
    "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
    "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
    "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
    "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
    "I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
    "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
    "Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
    The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
    "Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
    "And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
    "She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
    "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
    "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
    "Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
    Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"
    "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
    "Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
    "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
    what a joke?Had a good laugh.BCBF members are the best in the world.

  6. #295
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    Quote Originally Posted by sunzhi
    This guy has four daughters who all live at home. One Friday night the doorbell rings. The guy answers it and a kid standing there says
    "Hi, I'm Freddy.
    I'm here to pick up Betty.
    We're gonna go eat spaghetti.
    Is she ready?"

    The man, mildly amused calls down his daughter and the two leave.

    A few minutes later the doorbell rings again and he answers. A kid
    standing there says
    "Hi, I'm Jim.
    I'm here to see Kim.
    We're gonna go for a swim.
    Can I come in?"

    The guy, now perplexed, says "Yes." and the two take off.

    A few minutes later the doorbell rings and again the father answers. A kid standing there says
    "Hi, I'm Joe.
    I'm here to pick up Flo.
    We're gonna go to the show.
    Can she go?"

    The man, now kind of annoyed says "Yes." the two depart.

    Sure enough, a few minutes later the door rings and the father answers. A kid standing there says "Hi, I'm Chuck.."

    The father shot him.
    WHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHA man thats good one...

    a man is in traffic, too late for his work. his boss asks: why you late?
    im in a traffic.
    how longs the traffic?
    how would i know, i was the first car.

  7. #296
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    Quote:
    Originally Posted by malayali

    Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."




    im usre many chinese won't take this joke lightly


    Oh, lighten up, that's funny as heck to me.

  8. #297
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    Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one budgie, get one bird virus free..."





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    These jokes are absolutley hilarious im in histerix (prob spelt rong)


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    know why the squirrel who suffered from food poisoning got really pissed after seeing the doctor?

    the doctor explained, "u are what u eat".

  11. #300
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    Default News from the year 2040

    ..sorry if some of you might find the jokes *a bit* "offensive"..
    enjoy-
    =================================================

    News from the year 2040...just off the press...

    * The last remaining chunk of ice has melted in the Arctic.. but the good news is 96 year old Ex-President Bush now has an Ocean view and boat slip off his Crawford Seaside Ranch that was unfortunately taken out by Hurricane Katrina 12, the 25 Hurricane that year. President Bill Clinton the II, son of daughter Chelsea Clinton looked down from Air Force Five with concern as he saw Bush floating in his severely damaged cigarette boat.


    * Women have evolved to no longer have mouths and can communicate mentally...men have no longer been able to lie since this development.


    * The last American Bald Eagle remains open to public viewing at the Natural History Museum in Washington DC...and it almost looks real.


    * The movie Gattaca is now considered a documentary.


    * The 200,000 American GI has died in Iraq this week from a roadside EID...but the Republican controlled Senate feels that freedom is just around the corner as soon as they get the newly rewritten Constitution ratified.


    * The new Country of Iranraq has emerged to take over the Muslim world. Islamic Fundamentalism has now spread to become the third largest world religion thanks in part to the hatred of US troops still occupying the new country.

    * France once again pleading for Global help after being taken over by an aggressive Tahiti Navy consisting of a fleet of 24 tourist canoes carved out from local indigenous trees.

    * The Supreme Court consisting of 9 middle aged white men previously Tobacco CEO's have just ruled that it is constitutional for all Hospitals now owned by the major conglomerate Phillip Morris to use infant smoking pumps to supposedly help clear the air passages of new-borns and get them on the road to a safe smoking lifestyle so claimed by the Phillip Morris Scientists.

    * People still bitching about the postal service when everyone really knows, when you get right down to it...it is the cheapest...safest...way to send bills and letters through the mail...when asked when was the last time you had a letter or bill lost in the mail...most people say never.

    * Americans are still fat as hell!...Twiggy's granddaughter all 5'-2" weighed in at a now considered bulimic 220 pounds at the Victoria Secrets show in NY last week.

    * Senator Cheney III, grandson of the late vice president who was killed in a shootout with Secret Service Agents when he refused to step down as VP after being thrown out of office in December of 2005 and brandishing a Uzi machine gun as he was heard saying..."Over my dead body"...for proposed illegal activities related to the start-up to the War in Iraq... introduced new Senate Bill 666 that would propose allowing torture to any US prison inmate just for the hell of it...

    * NRA has successfully lobbied and gotten passed a new law that would allow the use of a plastic nuclear hand gun...this is a new weapon that can fit in the palm of your hand. (comes in designer colors for the decriminate right-wing female gun owner too!) This weapon shoots out a small nuclear projectile that can stop any potential mugger, rapist, criminal, by completly destroying a limited one block area around the criminal. The NRA has advised that new owners of this weapon be at least more than one block away from the perp before discharging the weapon...NRA has noticed a significant decrease in membership for not heading this warning. Numerous small mushroom clouds have been seen from the air during deer season in West Texas.

    * Congress has proposed the new Poor Tax. Only the poor pay taxes...Lobbiest's for the poor did not have any comment...since the poor don't have any lobbiests... A Lobbiest spokesperson for Corporate American made a statement..."Since the poor carry the heaviest burden in our society anyway...what's the big deal with a little more..."

    * The Defense Budget still largest in the world...which was over 400 BILLION in 2005 and larger than Russia, China, France and Britain combined...has been increased to $400 TRILLION and each Senators F216 has new fuel efficint nuclear engines...

    * And last but certainly not the least...(I love it)...

    Osama Bin Ladin still not found...although a wheel chair with a 96 year old man was seen stolling down a street in the new country of Iranraq!

    NEWS From The year 2029

    * Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest
    country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California.

    * Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed,
    they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

    * Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and
    livestock.

    * Baby conceived naturally . . scientists stumped.

    * Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the
    Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

    * Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more
    years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

    * France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

    * Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally,
    but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking .

    * George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

    * Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail
    delivery to Wednesdays only.

    * 85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise are the keys to weight
    loss.

    * Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

    * Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

    * Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights .

    * Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

    * New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters
    and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

    * Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political
    contributions to campaign accounts.

    * IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent

    * The B52's service life is extended for another 80 years.

    And last but certainly not the least... (I love it)..

    * Florida voters still don't know how to use a voting machine
    Last edited by ctjcad; 11-07-2005 at 02:19 PM.

  12. #301
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    Default How Much Wood Would a Woodchuck Chuck

    How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

  13. #302
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    Chuckie chucking chuck . . .

    Quote Originally Posted by cooler
    How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

  14. #303
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    Quote Originally Posted by cooler
    How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
    22 pieces...

  15. #304
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    Quote Originally Posted by TTT
    22 pieces...
    ding ding ding ding ding...
    We have a bingo

    hey, did u got it from inside information

  16. #305
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    *cough* ... I turn away for ONNNEE second. Can't let the kids out anywhere!

    -dave

  17. #306
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    22 pieces of wood cracked at 24 lbs of tension

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