Jokes

**Qidong** · 02-08-2006, 03:55 PM

My English is poor, but I think I can do a better job.

[IMG]1.jpg[/IMG]
[IMG]2.jpg[/IMG]

**Pete LSD** · 02-08-2006, 04:11 PM

Where did you get these pictures? Which restaurant is it in China? Looks like a Hong Kong Cafe copycat. Maybe the cafe is in Shenzhen?

--------------------------------------------------

My English is poor, but I think I can do a better job.

**cooler** · 02-08-2006, 04:13 PM

but would u work for peanuts or a bowl of buttered privates

**Hugo** · 02-08-2006, 05:52 PM

Haha, that menu was just hilarious! Musta picked outta a dictionary and tried to translate word for word. LOL!

**ctjcad** · 02-16-2006, 11:44 AM

IF WOMEN CONTROLLED THE WORLD...

**ctjcad** · 02-23-2006, 01:28 PM

Subject: The Husband store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow,"she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

================================================== ========
Words Twizzlers

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone can roast beef

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?!
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? !
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile

**demolidor** · 02-23-2006, 02:33 PM

The husband store is funny!! Guess those disillusioned after getting to floor 6 end up settling for floor 1 (irl)

The speeddial funny as well, word thingies are oldies but the blind skydiver one is still pretty funny if you picture it

**cooler** · 02-24-2006, 05:51 PM

the morning after that movie, it had kinda encapsulate this thot of mine:

- I plan to use my life saving to train to be a great badminton player one day but i got side tracked and blew the saving to become an engineer.

which movie did i watch

**cooler** · 03-01-2006, 05:27 PM

Boy, 12, Sticks Gum on $1.5M Painting Tue Feb 28, 7:40 PM ET

A 12-year-old visitor to the Detroit Institute of Arts stuck a wad of gum to a $1.5 million painting, leaving a stain the size of a quarter, officials say.

The boy was part of a school group from Holly that visited the museum on Friday, officials say. They say he took a piece of Wrigley's Extra Polar Ice gum out of his mouth and stuck it on Helen Frankenthaler's "The Bay," an abstract painting from 1963.

The museum acquired the work in 1965 and says it is worth about $1.5 million.

The gum stuck to the painting's lower left corner and did not adhere to the fiber of the canvas, officials told the Detroit Free Press. But it left a chemical residue about the size of a quarter, said Becky Hart, assistant curator of contemporary art.

The museum's conservation department is researching the chemicals in the gum to decide which solvent to use to clean it. The museum hopes to make the repair in two weeks and will keep "The Bay" on display in the meantime, she said.

"Our expectation is that the painting is going to be fine," Hart said.

Holly Academy director Julie Kildee said the boy had been suspended from the charter school and says his parents also have disciplined him.

"Even though we give very strict guidelines on proper behavior and we hold students to high standards, he is only 12 and I don't think he understood the ramifications of what he did before it happened, but he certainly understands the severity of it now," said Kildee.

**ctjcad** · 03-02-2006, 02:26 PM

These ones, i'm sure we can relate @ some point or another..enjoy-

**ctjcad** · 03-02-2006, 02:29 PM

..hope some ladies seeing will take them as light jokes..enjoy-

**ctjcad** · 03-02-2006, 02:38 PM

Alice and Frank are Bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank,
“You know, we could make a lot of money running our own
Bungee-jumping service in Mexico."
Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.
As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.
Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had
finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good
idea to give a demonstration.
So, Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the
cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts
and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she
falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, she is bruisedand bleeding.
Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and
bounces back up. This time she comes back pretty messed up -- she's gota
couple ?of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally
catches her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee
cord was fine...It was the crowd. What the hell is a piñata?
================================================== ========
Here are some blonde jokes:

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar
stool and orders a drink.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you
wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you
tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, giving that you are
blind, that you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl..
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl..
3 - I'm a 6 foot tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate..
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
weight lifter..
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler..

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
"Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
================================================== ========
FLORIDA OR MOON?

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench
talking.......and one blonde says to the other:
"Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the
moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you
seeFlorida........?????
================================================== ========
KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde
behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his
flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on
his bullhorn and yelled , "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
================================================== ========
BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the
sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook
their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said
the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know.
We're going at night!"
================================================== ========
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying
that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HelOOOooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs.

**ctjcad** · 03-04-2006, 01:28 AM

..maybe some of you have seen these before...enjoy-

**cooler** · 03-18-2006, 08:27 PM

Which animal sound do u rank as most dangerous

1. lion's Roarrrrrrrr
2. Rattler Snake's SSisisisisisisisisisisi
3. A farm duck sneeze 'Ha Chi'

**Baderz_Jas** · 03-20-2006, 05:43 AM

Imagine you are in Africa. You have been tied hanging on a tree with a rope anchored on the ground, a candle is slowly burning the rope, and the lion is waiting for you to drop and be his lunch.

Your survival hinges on the rope staying intact, there is no one
around to help you. The only possible way is to somehow convince the
lion to BLOW the candle out. How do you do that?

Sing Happy Birthday to the lion...

**Baderz_Jas** · 03-20-2006, 05:48 AM

Imagine you are in Africa. You have been tied hanging on a tree witha rope anchored on the ground, a candle is slowly burning the rope, and the lion is waiting for you to drop and be his lunch.

Your survival hinges on the rope staying intact, there is no one
around to help you. The only possible way is to somehow convince the
lion to BLOW the candle out. How do you do that?

Sing Happy Birthday to the lion...

**crosscourt** · 03-20-2006, 10:38 AM

THis isn't really a joke but I wasn't sure where to post it. I said this to myself over the weekend then realised how ridiculous it sounded:

"I don't understand why my elbow has got worse, over the last few weeks I've cut back my playing to just 3 times a week!"