Jokes

[ctjcad]

just for fun..enjoy-

ZEN SARCASM

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much, leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It is always darkest before dawn. So if you are going to steal your neighbor's newspaper that is the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

5. Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you are alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his or her shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you do not succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you do not have to remember anything. (Ah, so that explains my loss of memory!)

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

13. Everyone seems normal until you get to know him or her.

14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.

15. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

19. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same day.

[Baderz_Jas]

Okay, there was a racing cat called 123 from england and it's going to race against a french cat called hello, before the race have even started, the french cat has already won. Do you know why?

Answer: un deux trois = 123 then quatre(4) is normally said as quat and then cinq (which is 5). So the 123 cat sank!

[ctjcad]

For those of you not familiar with Walmart, i'm sure most of you guys know, it is one of the largest if not arguably the largest retail chainstore in the U.S. As a matter of fact it's already gone international with some stores outside of U.S..Anyways, enjoy-

PLEASE TAKE THE TIME TO READ THIS ONE,,,,IT'S WELL WORTH YOUR TIME,,,,

This is an actual job application that a 75
year
old senior citizen submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas. They hired him
because
he was so funny:


NAME: George Martin


***: Not lately, but I am looking for the right
woman, (or at least, one who'll cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION: Company President or Vice
President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position
to
be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.


DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock
options
and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible,
make
an offer and we can haggle.


EDUCATION: Yes.


LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management
hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.


MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible
collection
of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.


HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.


PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 pm. Monday, Tuesday
and
Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but
they're
better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had
one,
would I be here?


DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD
PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?


DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate
question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR
RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing
House
Sweepstakes, so they tell me.


DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no, on my breaks -
yes.


WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb, sexy, blonde,
supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually,
I'd like to be doing that now.


DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND
COMPLETE
TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.


SIGN HERE: Sagittarius

[cooler]

in the scale of comparison, china #8 highest export is to walmart.

[ctjcad]

great or simply silly signs??

[*izzyC*]

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want,then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Q: Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding?
A: Not if you are the groom.

Q: What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony?
A: Anything except 'Tied to the Whipping Post'.

Q: How can you tell the married men at a wedding reception?
A: They're the ones dancing with everyone but their wives.

Q: What is a wedding tragedy?
A: To marry a man for love, and then find out he has no money.

Q: How do I make my wife stop buying all these gloves?
A: Buy her a diamond ring.
"My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends."

Q: How do most men define marriage?
A: A very expensive way to getting their laundry done free.


Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

[ctjcad]

..ok, here are some pics which probably some of you have seen and can relate to..just want to share sSome english lesson from china ...

[cooler]

..ok, here are some pics which probably some of you have seen and can relate to..just want to share sSome english lesson from china ...

ROFL.
Yes, chinese language can be very graphic.

[cooler]

..ok, here are some pics which probably some of you have seen and can relate to..just want to share sSome english lesson from china ...

one more that i can't resist...

[CanuckBur]

I like the "Carefully fall to the river," and the "Help oneself terminating machine." Some bureaucrats/employees ought to be fired due to stupidity. On the other hand, it is pure genius in tourism marketing.

[theasiandude88]

hehe in econ, we always call all these mess ups "chinglish" (chin-glish). the funny thing is that the teacher's last name is chin.

[Baderz_Jas]

Haha, they are awsome!!! LMHO
Cheers!

[ctjcad]

HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a
closed room with an open window.
Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close
the door.

Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and
then analyze the situation.

If they are counting the bricks,
Put them in the accounts department.

If they are recounting them,
Put them in auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the
bricks,
Put them in engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange
order,
Put them in planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other,
Put them in operations.

** If they are sleeping,
Put them in security.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces,
Put them in information technology.

If they are sitting idle,
Put them in human resources.

If they say they have tried different
combinations, yet not a brick has been moved.
Put them in sales.

** If they have already left for the day,
Put them in marketing.

If they are staring out of the window,
Put them on strategic planning.

And then last but not least...

** If they are talking to each other and not a single
brick has been moved.
Congratulate them and put them in top management.

[cooler]

My favorite is GM introducing the Chevy (?) Nova into Latin America - where it means "doesn't go.."

Very similarly, my Japanese roommated told me that the gas brand Enco, introduced into Japan, means "the car stops."

[Neil Nicholls]

My favorite is GM introducing the Chevy (?) Nova into Latin America - where it means "doesn't go.."

Probably GM
In UK we had the Vauxhall Nova
rest of Europe probably Opel Nova
so we got the same joke but for Spain

[cooler]

baby, lettuce and tomato

[cooler]

cheny on deck......