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Thread: Jokes

  1. #392
    Regular Member ants's Avatar
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    Oh man.. any point of taking pictures? Good thing they recognise what they wear if not Which one is me?

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    Newfie Intelligence

    A Newfie and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York . The American asks if he would like to play a fun-game. The Newfie , tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

    The American persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice versa." Again, the Newfie declines and tries to get some sleep.

    The American, now worked up, says, 'Okay, if you don't
    know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500." This gets the newfie's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

    The American asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Newfie doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the American. "Okay," says the American, "Your turn." So the Newfie asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The American thinks about it.

    No answer. Puzzled, he takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer! He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress.No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers. Checks the input. All to no
    avail! Finally, a long time later, he wakes the Newfie and hands him $500.

    The Newfie thanks him and turns back to get his sleep. The American, more than a little miffed, stirs the Newfie and asks, Well, what's the answer?"

    Without a word, the Newfie reaches into his wallet, hands the American $5, and goes back to sleep!

  3. #394
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default Why Italians Can't Be Paramedics



    Luigi and Salvatore are out in the woods hunting when suddenly
    Salvatore
    grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be
    breathing;
    his eyes are rolled back in his head.

    Luigi whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator,
    I
    think Salvatore is dead! What should I do?" The operator, in a calm
    soothing
    voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's
    make
    sure he's dead." There is a silence ...... and then a shot is heard.
    Luigi's
    voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"

  4. #395
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    Quote Originally Posted by ctjcad


    Luigi and Salvatore are out in the woods hunting when suddenly
    Salvatore
    grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be
    breathing;
    his eyes are rolled back in his head.

    Luigi whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator,
    I
    think Salvatore is dead! What should I do?" The operator, in a calm
    soothing
    voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's
    make
    sure he's dead." There is a silence ...... and then a shot is heard.
    Luigi's
    voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"
    How about this version:

    Bush and Cheney are out in the woods hunting when suddenly
    Cheney
    grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be
    breathing;
    his eyes are rolled back in his head.

    Bush whips out his cell phone and calls Rowe. He gasps to Rowe,
    I
    think Cheney is dead! What should I do?" Rowe, in a calm
    soothing
    voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's
    make
    sure he's dead." There is a silence ...... and then a shot is heard.
    Bush's
    voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?

  5. #396
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    Saudi Arabia first baseman 6 feet 8 inch Aaron Durley, left, watches a pitch as Venezuela's 4 feet 8 inch base runner Ermison Arellano gets ready to take a lead during the fourth inning in their game of the Little League World Series baseball pool play in South Williamsport, Pa., Tuesday, Aug. 22, 2006. Durley is the tallest player to ever play at the Little League World Series. (AP Photo/Carolyn Kaster)

    saudia team dyed their hair blonde

    look like saudia arabia stacked their players like Mr. Burn
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    Last edited by cooler; 08-23-2006 at 09:18 PM.

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    Anyone been to bash.org? It has some hilariously funny quotes...


    <benja> A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question
    asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the
    food shortage in the rest of the world?"
    <benja> The survey was a huge failure...
    <benja> In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
    <benja> In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
    <benja> In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
    <benja> In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
    <benja> In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
    <benja> In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
    <benja> And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant

  7. #398
    Regular Member DinkAlot's Avatar
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    LMAO! This is a gem!

    Quote Originally Posted by asphyxiate
    Anyone been to bash.org? It has some hilariously funny quotes...


    <benja> A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question
    asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the
    food shortage in the rest of the world?"
    <benja> The survey was a huge failure...
    <benja> In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
    <benja> In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
    <benja> In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
    <benja> In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
    <benja> In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
    <benja> In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
    <benja> And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant

  8. #399
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default Good Housekeeping rule

    (hope you guys can read the texts)..
    esp. for all you ladies out there, what do you think??...


    OMG!!! Scary heh..Thank goodness for the 21st century!!!


    - Ok when you ladies stop laughing long enough to pick yourself off the
    floor, share this to all the women you know so they can have a good
    laugh too.
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    Last edited by ctjcad; 08-25-2006 at 04:51 PM.

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    You might like this one.. hopefully you can read the text .


    Last edited by asphyxiate; 08-25-2006 at 05:59 PM.

  10. #401
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    Default Haven and Hell

    Human Resources
    One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St.Peter himself.
    "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
    "No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
    "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
    "Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman
    "Sorry, we have rules..."
    And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.
    The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed! An excellent steak and lobster dinner.
    She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave.
    Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
    The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.
    "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.
    So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
    "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,"
    The woman paused for a second and then replied,

    "Well! I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

    So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.
    When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.
    The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
    "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
    The Devil looked at her smiled and told her...
    Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee

  11. #402
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Smile The Engineer and Manager..

    A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.

    She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit
    more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I
    would meet him
    an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

    The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
    approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41
    degrees north latitude
    and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

    "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

    "I am", replied the man. "How did you know?"

    "Well, answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is
    technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your
    information, and the fact is I'm
    still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything
    you've delayed my trip even more."

    The man below responded, "You must be in management."

    "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

    "Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're
    going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of
    hot air. You
    made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect
    people beneath you to solve your problems."

  12. #403
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default Big Bellied Python..

    (not sure if this is supposed to be a joke, and maybe our BC friends in Malaysia can confirm this)..
    A python sits on a road after swallowing a pregnant ewe in the village of Kampung Jabor, about 200 km (124 miles) east of Kuala Lumpur, on September 5, 2006. The six-metre reptile weighing 90 kg (198.5 lbs) was too laden to move, making it easy for firemen to capture it, said a local daily newspaper. Picture taken September 5, 2006.
    (check out the ripped belly, it even took the shape of the ewe)..yikes!!
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    Last edited by ctjcad; 09-08-2006 at 08:00 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by ctjcad
    (not sure if this is supposed to be a joke, and maybe our BC friends in Malaysia can confirm this)..
    A python sits on a road after swallowing a pregnant ewe in the village of Kampung Jabor, about 200 km (124 miles) east of Kuala Lumpur, on September 5, 2006. The six-metre reptile weighing 90 kg (198.5 lbs) was too laden to move, making it easy for firemen to capture it, said a local daily newspaper. Picture taken September 5, 2006.
    (check out the ripped belly, it even took the shape of the ewe)..yikes!!
    crazy, but believable.

  14. #405
    Regular Member demolidor's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ctjcad
    (not sure if this is supposed to be a joke, and maybe our BC friends in Malaysia can confirm this)..
    A python sits on a road after swallowing a pregnant ewe in the village of Kampung Jabor, about 200 km (124 miles) east of Kuala Lumpur, on September 5, 2006. The six-metre reptile weighing 90 kg (198.5 lbs) was too laden to move, making it easy for firemen to capture it, said a local daily newspaper. Picture taken September 5, 2006.
    (check out the ripped belly, it even took the shape of the ewe)..yikes!!
    Ewe = sheep right . Read it today in some british newspaper, said it was a sheep so ...
    Also: didn't you start this topic "Joke" ctjcad??

  15. #406
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by demolidor
    Ewe = sheep right . Read it today in some british newspaper, said it was a sheep so ...
    Also: didn't you start this topic "Joke" ctjcad??
    correct, ewe is a type of sheep..
    no, i wasn't the thread originator, as i came in a bit later...Gessle was...

  16. #407
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Wink A couple of President Bush jokes...

    ..some light humor..enjoy the laugh..
    ================================================== ========
    On his trip to Great Britain, George Bush had a meeting with Queen
    Elizabeth. He asked her, "How does one manage to run a country so
    smoothly?"

    "That`s easy," she replied, "You surround yourself with intelligent
    ministers and advisors."

    "But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?" he inquired.
    "You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a button
    and said, "Would you please send Tony Blair in."

    When Blair arrived, the Queen said, "I have a riddle for you to answer for
    me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not
    your brother. Who was this child ?"

    Blair replied, "That`s easy. The child was me."
    "Very good," said the Queen, "You may go, now."

    So President Bush went back to Washington and called in his chief of
    staff, Karl Rove. He said to him, "I have a riddle for you, and the answer is
    very important. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it
    was not your brother. Who was this child?"

    Rove replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the
    answer, as no child must be left behind Can I deliberate on this for a
    while?" "Yes," said Bush, "I'll give you four hours to come up with the
    answer."

    So Rove went and called a meeting of the White House Staff, and asked
    them the riddle. But after much discussion and many suggestions, none of
    them had a satisfactory answer. So he was quite upset, not knowing what he
    would tell the President.

    As Rove was walking back to the Oval Office, he saw former Secretary of
    State Colin Powell approaching him. So he said, "Mr. Secretary, can you
    answer this riddle for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your
    sister and it was not your brother. Who was the child?"

    "That's easy," said Powell, "The child was me."

    "Oh thank you," said Rove, "You may just have saved me my job!"

    So Rove went in to the Oval Office and said to President Bush, "I think
    I know the answer to your riddle. The child was Colin Powell!"

    "No, you idiot!" shouted Bush, "The child was Tony Blair!"
    ================================================== ========
    President Bush got something wrong with his brain and he went to see a doctor.
    After medical examination, the doctor told him:

    "Your brain has two parts: one is LEFT, and another is RIGHT.

    Your left brain has nothing RIGHT. Your right brain has nothing LEFT!!

  17. #408
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default nice haircut??..

    anyone fall asleep often??..if you do, maybe you can go to a barber and get a haircut like this??..
    ...if you fall asleep, you'll still look like you're still paying attention...
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    Last edited by ctjcad; 09-14-2006 at 06:47 PM.

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