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Thread: Jokes

  1. #35
    Regular Member jug8man's Avatar
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    Default fly fly, fly!

    a little boy was experimenting with his pet fly, named fly.

    1) first he told the fly to fly and the fly flew and landed on its legs .
    he wrote down his obs 'when told to fly, fly flew'.

    2) he pulled off 1 leg and told the fly "fly fly, fly. and once again the fly flew. tho in pain.
    he wrote down his obs 'with 1 leg pulled out, when told to fly, fly flew'.

    3) he pulled off a second leg and told fly to fly. in pain the fly flew though not as 'gacefull' as before.
    he wrote down his obs 'with 2 legs pulled out, when told to fly, fly flew'.

    4)...
    5)...
    6)...

    7) he pulled of the sixth leg and ordered the fly to fly. still the fly flew and landed with a bump as it had no more legs to land on.
    he wrote down his obs 'with no legs left, when told to fly, fly flew'.

    8) he then pulled out 1 wing which left the fly with only one wing left. he then told the fly to fly. the fly in total pain flapped and flapped its wings and somehow managed to fly for a very short period and fell back down.
    he wrote down his obs 'with no legs and 1 wing left, when told to fly, fly flew'.

    9) he pulled out the second wing and told the fly to fly. the fly didnt fly. surprised the boy said in a higher tone "Fly Fly, Fly!" but still the fly did not fly.
    he then shouted "FLY FLY, FLY!" but the fly did not fly.
    frustrated the boy repeatedly shouted "FLY FLY, FLY! FLY FLY, FLY! FLY FLY, FLY! FLY FLY, FLY!" until he was exhausted but the fly still did not fly.
    then he wrote down his observation 'when all 6 legs and 2 wings were pulled out, fly becomes deaf.'


    moral of this story is to teach our children to make the right conclusions from observations.

    ps. this was told in a teachers seminar.

  2. #36
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    Quote Originally Posted by cooler
    So r u saying mother teresa and pope john paul couldn't get to heaven?
    Did you forget the concept of "Original Sin" ?
    How do you like them apples

  3. #37
    Regular Member jug8man's Avatar
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    im not going into the religion topic. just too sensitive a subject and not my forte. its just a joke and why wouldnt/cant Mother Theresa or Pope John Paul go to Heaven? confused again

  4. #38
    Regular Member jug8man's Avatar
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    Default Jacques the French fighter pilot

    in WW1 Jacques an ace fighter pilot was in a room with a woman highly seduced by his charms and reputation.

    they were hugging when the lady who wanted to get things going whispered in his ear "do you want to taste my red lips darling?" immediately the he splashes red wine on her face to her puzzlement and he said "im Jacques the French fighter pilot! when i have my red meat i must have my red wine!" and he proceeded to kiss her face passionately.

    then being a naughty girl she said to him "lower darling lower!" he then suddenly splashed white wine over her 'chest' and said "im Jacques the French fighter pilot! when i have my white white meat i must have my white wine" and proceeded to carress her.

    then being a very-very naughty girl she cried "LOWER DARLING, LOWER!"
    then he splashed alcohol on her lower region and threw a lit match on it setting it on fire and said "im Jacques the French fighter pilot! when i go down I GO DOWN IN FLAMES!"

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    Default store policy

    A guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and places two cans of dog food on the counter. The cashier asks, "Do you have a dog sir?" "Yes." he replies. "Well where is the dog?" asks the cashier. "My dog is at home." replies the man. "To be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog. That is store policy", says the cashier. So with that the man leaves the dog food and leaves the store.
    Next day the man goes back to the same store, grabs what he needs and goes to the same cashier. He places two cans of cat food on the counter. "Do you own a cat sir?" asks the cashier. "Yes I do", replies the man. "Well where is your cat sir?" asks the cashier. "My cat is at home" says the man. "Well I am sorry sir. Store policy. I must see the cat before I can sell you cat food" says the cashier. So with that the man leaves the store empty handed again.
    The next day the man returns to the store and walks directly to the same cashier. He has a brown paper bag in his hand. "Here," he says to the cashier, "put your hand in here." So the cashier puts her hand in the brown paper bag. "It is all soft and warm." she says. "Yes, that is right." says the man, "I need to buy two rolls of toilet paper."

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    Default the spoon

    Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then looked around the room and saw that all the waitpersons had a spoon in their pocket.
    When the waiter came back to check on our order I asked: "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift."
    As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind me. Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his pocket and said: "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
    I was rather impressed. The waiter continued taking our order and while my guests ordered, I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their fly.
    My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter: "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out that we can save time in the restroom." "How so?" "See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of ...you know... we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
    "Okay, that makes sense, but... if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?" "Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

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    Default uncle bob

    A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
    The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
    Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
    "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.
    "Now, Lucy?" "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."
    "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"
    "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in the war and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands." "
    Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
    "Don't f*ck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."
    Last edited by Gessle; 08-12-2004 at 10:44 AM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by jug8man
    im not going into the religion topic. just too sensitive a subject and not my forte. its just a joke and why wouldnt/cant Mother Theresa or Pope John Paul go to Heaven? confused again
    Sorry, i misread the joke I thought each step was created when a sin is written down.

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    A teacher notices a little puddle of pee in the hallway outside her 2nd Grade classroom door. She informs the class that "it looks like someone has had an accident" outside the door. To avoid embarrassing anyone, she instructs the class to put their heads down on their desks and to cover their eyes while the perpetrator is allowed to go out and clean up the mess. She covers her eyes too. Pretty soon she hears little feet walking towards the door ... the door closes. Two minutes later, the door opens and the shuffle of two little feet comes back into the classroom. When all is quiet, she instructs the class that they can uncover their eyes and continue with their class work ....then she goes out into the hallway to inspect the cleanup. The teacher is shocked to find a HUGE puddle of pee with a note next to it that reads:
    "THE PHANTOM PISSER STRIKES AGAIN"

  10. #44
    Regular Member jug8man's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cooler
    Sorry, i misread the joke I thought each step was created when a sin is written down.
    no prob dude. LOL

    especially relieved to see proof of you being human

  11. #45
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    Apologies for those of you who don't get snow.

    There are two snowmen. One says to the other "Can you smell carrots?"

  12. #46
    Regular Member wwcbro's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jug8man
    a politician died and went to the stairway to Heaven. the gaurd gave him a box of chalk and told him to write a sin commited on each step until he reached Heaven. the gaurd also said the he will never reach Heaven as long as he has not finish writing down all his sins.
    so the politician took a step and wrote down a sin he had commited. he repeated this process on each step up the stairs as he was instructed.

    after a substantial period of time the politician went down the stairs to the gaurd who was surprised to see him. "what are you down down here?" asked the gaurd. "i need more chalk" was the reply.
    crossed out "politician" replaced with any of the corrupted Vancouver municipal/British Columbia provincial/Canada federal politician. That will be more hilarious...

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    A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
    "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
    He replied, " Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses."
    Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
    Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
    The doctor said "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you".
    Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
    So the wife picked up the card and read "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."

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    A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day,carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, $165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?"
    "Sure!" replied the confident president.
    That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there
    was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the
    president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
    The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
    "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady,
    "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
    She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

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    A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
    "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high powered vacuum cleaners."
    "Go away!" said the old lady. "I havent got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
    Quick as a flash the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
    "Don't be to hasty!" he said, "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
    And with that, he emptied a bucket of Horse sh*t onto her hallway carpet.
    "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all trace of this Horse sh*t from your carpet Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
    "Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."
    Last edited by Gessle; 08-29-2004 at 02:51 AM.

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    A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort near a national park. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.
    One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake. She rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
    Along comes the park ranger in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
    "Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, 'Is this guy blind, or what?'
    "You're in a no-fishing area," he informs her.
    "But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
    "But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and charge you."
    "If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.
    "I didn't even touch you," grouses the ranger.
    "Yes, that's true....but you have all the equipment."

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    Two Aliens land in Detroit, next to a Gas station. The Aliens waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that resembles a being is the Gas pump. The two Aliens approach. The first one says "Earthling take me to your leader!"
    He gets no response. The first Alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again. "Earthling, I said Take me to your leader!" Still no response.
    The first Alien then turns to the second and says "If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect I'm going to blast him!" .
    The second Alien replies "O.K. but, I'm just going to stand down on the next block." The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third time. "Earthling take me to your leader!" No response.
    The Alien then pulls out his ray-gun and shoots the pump. After the explosion the Alien gets up dusts himself off then goes down the block to his buddy, He then says to the second Alien "If you knew that was going to happen why didn't you warn me?"
    The second replies " I didn't know what was going to happen, but I'm not going to mess with anyone who's p*n*s can hang to the ground, wrap around his body twice, and still stick it in his ear!"

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