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Thread: Jokes

  1. #494
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Smile Couple more...

    ...as we're finishing the yr and entering a new yr...(don't know if these have been posted before or not)..
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    “What's the difference between mechanical and civil engineers?

    Civil engineers design targets, mechanical engineers design weapons.”


    ~ Oscar Wilde

  3. #496
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    Quote Originally Posted by cooler
    “What's the difference between mechanical and civil engineers?

    Civil engineers design targets, mechanical engineers design weapons.”


    ~ Oscar Wilde
    lol, natural enemies, haha.

  4. #497
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    Quote Originally Posted by slvrdrgn123
    lol, natural enemies, haha.
    no no, they need each other. It's a symbiosis relationship

  5. #498
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    Default Racist Google!



    and another classic one:
    if you search for failure in Google,the 1st link it give you is President of the United States - George W. Bush
    Last edited by cao ci dan; 12-22-2006 at 01:31 AM.

  6. #499
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    Quote Originally Posted by ctjcad
    ok guys, don't really know if this is a joke or not...wonder if the tax money will be used to pay the bloke-and maybe our UK/England BC folks can verify this story..
    ================================================== ========
    LONDON (Reuters) - A devout Christian who said an accident at work boosted his libido and wrecked his marriage as he turned to prostitutes and pornography was awarded more than 3 million pounds ($5.89 million) in damages Tuesday.
    Stephen Tame, 29, from Suffolk, suffered severe head injuries in a fall, transforming him from a loyal newlywed into a "disinhibited" character who had two affairs.
    He was in a coma for two months after falling from a gantry while working at a bicycle warehouse shortly after his marriage in January 2002. Doctors said it was a miracle he survived.
    Awarding him 3.1 million pounds in compensation at London's High Court, Judge Michael Harris said: "His life and the life of his young wife were shattered."
    His former employer, Professional Cycle Marketing, of Essex, had argued through their lawyers that his injuries were not as bad as suggested in court.
    Yes. I think it's true! I saw the article in a number of different newspapers. It does seem to make sense though. If you can prove a link between your change in behaviour and the accident then I think the person who caused you to have the accident should pay (but then I'm a lawyer and this kind of thing is what pays for my mortgage!)

  7. #500
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    Several men are in the locker room of a golf
    club.
    A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

    Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

    MAN: “Hello.”
    WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
    MAN: “Yes.”
    WOMAN: “I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
    MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
    WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked.”
    MAN: “How much?”
    WOMAN: “$90,000.”
    MAN: “OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options.”
    WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing …..the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.”
    MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price.”
    WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!!”
    MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”

    The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape…..

    Then he smiles and asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

  8. #501
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    A picture of a squash player
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  9. #502
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    A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
    The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his side profile."
    Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
    The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his side profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
    Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "... think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
    The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer... wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
    He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
    "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
    "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

  10. #503
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    Lets make Olympic more attractive
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  11. #504
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    Default honey, i quit smoking but...

    real news. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/ma.../nviagra14.xml
    --------------------------------
    Giving up smoking? Take a Viagra
    Last Updated: 12:01am GMT 19/12/2006

    Smokers who sought medical help while trying to kick the habit were accidentally prescribed Viagra instead of an anti-smoking drug.

    The blunder was caused by a technical problem with a computer system that automatically selects a list of drugs when GPs fill out a prescription. When doctors tried to choose the anti-smoking pill Zyban their computers instead selected sildenafil, the generic name for Viagra, the anti-impotence pill.

    All 900 GPs in the Greater Glasgow area where the blunder has been uncovered have been contacted by email about the mix-up.

    It is not known how many smokers have been surprised by the effect of their "anti-smoking pills", but only two GP practices have complained about the problem.

    Greater Glasgow and Clyde Health Board said the error should have been picked up either by GPs while signing prescriptions or by pharmacy staff.

    One Glasgow doctor said yesterday: "Thankfully the side effects of taking Viagra in error are not too serious."

  12. #505
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    Default panda and beer

    A panda sauntered into the saloon, sat down at the bar and told the bartender "Give me a sandwich and a beer." The bartender had seen many strange characters out west, and knew it was important to keep his cool, so he replied, "Sure, stranger," and slapped a ham sandwich and a cold one in front of the bear. The panda chomped on the sandwich and gulped down the beer. He then deftly pulled his six-shooter, aimed at a whiskey bottle behind the counter, and pulled the trigger. The bottle exploded into glass pieces and shattered onto the floor. The bartender was dumfounded as he watched the bear return his gun to his holster and walk out the front door. "Hey, what the hell is going on?" shouted the bartender as he ran after the bear. The panda stopped and said, "what did you want?? "Well, I sure didn't expect you to shoot up the bar. Besides, you still owe me for lunch." "I'm a PANDA. Look it up." replied the bear and went on his way. The bartender was too upset and nervous to rile such an unpredictable sort, so he picked up his unabridged dictionary from the shelf, and found the entry for "panda." "Damn!" he muttered. He realized that there was nothing he could do about it. There it was, in black and white, written by an authority no less than Noah Webster himself: pan-da -- n. A large bear-like member of the Raccoon family native to the mountains of China and Tibet, with distinctive white and black markings. Eats shoots and leaves."

  13. #506
    Regular Member DinkAlot's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cooler
    A panda sauntered into the saloon, sat down at the bar and told the bartender "Give me a sandwich and a beer." The bartender had seen many strange characters out west, and knew it was important to keep his cool, so he replied, "Sure, stranger," and slapped a ham sandwich and a cold one in front of the bear. The panda chomped on the sandwich and gulped down the beer. He then deftly pulled his six-shooter, aimed at a whiskey bottle behind the counter, and pulled the trigger. The bottle exploded into glass pieces and shattered onto the floor. The bartender was dumfounded as he watched the bear return his gun to his holster and walk out the front door. "Hey, what the hell is going on?" shouted the bartender as he ran after the bear. The panda stopped and said, "what did you want?? "Well, I sure didn't expect you to shoot up the bar. Besides, you still owe me for lunch." "I'm a PANDA. Look it up." replied the bear and went on his way. The bartender was too upset and nervous to rile such an unpredictable sort, so he picked up his unabridged dictionary from the shelf, and found the entry for "panda." "Damn!" he muttered. He realized that there was nothing he could do about it. There it was, in black and white, written by an authority no less than Noah Webster himself: pan-da -- n. A large bear-like member of the Raccoon family native to the mountains of China and Tibet, with distinctive white and black markings. Eats shoots and leaves."
    LMAO! That was so funny!

  14. #507
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    Took me a while but that is funny as hell!

  15. #508
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default Job Predictor..

    ..ok guys, it's been a while since we have something fun and since it's a new yr, maybe some of us have been looking for a new job...So, to start off the new yr with something "fun", how abt trying this new Job Predictor(some of you might've seen this before)...enjoy!
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  16. #509
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default iPOD flea, anyone??..

    ..has anyone seen this commercial??....looks cool & pretty funny(esp. the one abt the bag, reminds me of our own NGP's/DinkAlot's "luggages")..
    http://video.yahoo.com/video/play?vi...55de6f.1758322

  17. #510
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default New fad in Africa..

    ..

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