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Thread: Jokes

  1. #511
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    LAW AND DISORDER

    Here are excerpts from a book that compiled real exchanges between witnesses and attorneys in American courts of law.

    Attorney: What is your date of birth?
    Witness: July 18th.
    Attorney: What year?
    Witness: Every year.

    Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    Witness: Yes.
    Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    Witness: I forget.
    Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

    Attorney: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
    Attorney: How long has he lived with you?
    Witness: Forty-five years.

    Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    Witness: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
    Attorney: And why did that upset you?
    Witness: My name is Susan.

    Attorney: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
    Witness: We both do.
    Attorney: Voodoo?
    Witness: We do.
    Attorney: You do?
    Witness: Yes, voodoo.

    Attorney: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
    Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    Witness: Would you repeat the question?

    Attorney: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    Witness: Yes.
    Attorney: And what were you doing at that time?
    Witness: Uh....

    Attorney: She had three children, right?
    Witness: Yes.
    Attorney: How many were boys?
    Witness: None.
    Attorney: Were there any girls?

    Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?
    Witness: By death.
    Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?

    Attorney: Can you describe the individual?
    Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    Attorney: Was this a male or a female?

    Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

    Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    Witness: The autopsy started around 8.30pm.
    Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

    Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    Witness: No.
    Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
    Witness: No.
    Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
    Witness: No.
    Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    Witness: No.
    Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    Attorney: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

  2. #512
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    Quote Originally Posted by *izzyC*
    LAW AND DISORDER

    Here are excerpts from a book that compiled real exchanges between witnesses and attorneys in American courts of law...
    Long but funny Thanks for sharing

  3. #513
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Smile Kids' answers on how do you decide who to marry??..

    ..aren't they...cute

    HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
    (written by kids)

    You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
    -- Alan, age 10

    No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
    -- Kristen, age 10

    WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

    Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
    -- Camille, age 10

    HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

    You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
    -- Derrick, age 8

    WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

    Both don't want any more kids.
    -- Lori, age 8

    WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

    Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
    -- Lynnette, age 8

    On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
    -- Martin, age 10

    WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

    I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
    -- Craig, age 9

    WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

    When they're rich.
    -- Pam, age 7

    The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
    - - Curt, age 7

    The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
    -- Howard, age 8

    IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

    It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
    -- Anita, age 9

    HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

    There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
    -- Kelvin, age 8

    And the #1 Favorite is........

    HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
    Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck hit her.
    -- Ricky, age 10
    Last edited by ctjcad; 02-12-2007 at 01:59 PM.

  4. #514
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    That was bloody amazing!

    you made my day! (even after baddy-practise )

  5. #515
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    Default believe it or not!!

    Quote Originally Posted by jerby
    That was bloody amazing!

    you made my day! (even after baddy-practise )
    more to come, Jerby
    ------------------------------
    This is unbelievable!

    NEW YORK - Idaho resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family Tuesday when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire."

    It seems that Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question, and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing "the absolute worst use of lifelines ever."
    After being introduced to the show's host Meredith Vieira, Evans assured her that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an extremely easy $100 question. The question was:
    "Which of the following is the largest?"
    A) A Peanut
    B) An Elephant
    C) The Moon
    D) Hey, who you calling large?
    Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she realized that this was a question to which she did not readily know the answer.
    "Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie," said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief and disgust. "I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be."
    Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.
    "Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!" exclaimed Evans. "Darn. I think I better phone a friend."
    Using the second of her two lifelines on the first question, Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant.
    "Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!" said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. "Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun."
    Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.
    "Come on Betsy, are you sure?" said Evans. "How sure are you? Puh, that can't be it."
    To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's advice and pick 'The Moon.'
    "I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright. So I think I'd like to ask the audience," said Evans.
    Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.
    "Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking," said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. "But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let's see. For which is larger, an elephant or the moon, I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer."
    Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath, and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'

  6. #516
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  7. #517
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    Here are the transcripts of some conversations callers and 911 dispatchers. From the Uncle John's Unstoppable Bathroom Reader (16th edition)

    Recorded during a power outage.


    Dispatcher: "911. Fire or emergency?"
    Caller: "My power's out!"
    Dispatcher: "Yes, sir, we're aware of that. Do you have an emergency?"
    Caller: "No, i don't have a damn emergency. I just want to know if I'm going to be getting a rebate for the lenght of time I'm without power."
    Dispatcher: "Uhhh, no, sir, you won't be charged for the electricity you didn't use."
    Caller: "Well, that's more like it!"

    Dispatcher: "911. What's the address of your emergency?"
    Caller: "I need to know what I can do about someone who came into my home and put boogers on my wall."
    Dispatcher: "Did you invite this person into your home?"
    Caller: "Yes, but I didn't give him permission to put boogers on the walls."

    Dispatcher: "911. What's the address of your emergency?"
    Caller: [No response]
    Dispatcher: "911. What's the address of your emergency?"
    Caller [Tentatively]: "Hello?"
    Dispatcher: "Yes, this is 911, can I help you?"
    Caller: "You have the wrong number!"

    Dispatcher: "911. What's the address of your emergency?"
    Caller: "Can I give you my credit card number over the phone to pay on my warrent?"
    Dispatcher: "What's the offense?"
    Caller: "Credit card fraud."

    Dispatcher: "911."
    Caller: "Help! Help! Send the police! I been shot."
    Dispatcher: "You said you've been shot?"
    Caller: "I been shot!"
    Dispatcher: "How many times were you shot?"
    Caller: "This is the first time."

  8. #518
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    LOL, lots of good stuff there, keep 'em coming

  9. #519
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    those were funny, but sounded pretty fake, especially the last one, lol.

  10. #520
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    OHHH now I get the story it's not that funny just a giggle lol.

  11. #521
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    HOUSE HEARING ON 'WARMING OF THE PLANET' CANCELED AFTER SNOW/ICE STORM
    ---------------------------------------------------------------
    HEARING NOTICE
    Tue Feb 13 2007 19:31:25 ET

    The Subcommittee on Energy and Air Quality hearing scheduled for Wednesday, February 14, 2007, at 10:00 a.m. in room 2123 Rayburn House Office Building has been postponed due to inclement weather. The hearing is entitled “Climate Change: Are Greenhouse Gas Emissions from Human Activities Contributing to a Warming of the Planet?”

    The hearing will be rescheduled to a date and time to be announced later.

  12. #522
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    Hahaha, we're about to be hit with a huge snow storm here in Toronto

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    Regular Member gsloh's Avatar
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    Default Senior Citizens

    A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the Bypass, he floored it to 90mph,enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left."Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the highway, enjoying pushing thepedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

    "I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110 mph, then 120, then 130 mph. Suddenly, he thought,"What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch-up with him.

    Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

    The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

    "Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman

  14. #524
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    Quote Originally Posted by cooler
    Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, 'The Moon.'
    Only 98%
    Maybe some vindictive people in the audience, or equally lacking in knowledge.

  15. #525
    Regular Member gsloh's Avatar
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    Default Exam Answers

    Some answers to exam questions
    Attached Images Attached Images          
    Last edited by gsloh; 02-14-2007 at 07:56 AM.

  16. #526
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    Default How to write a resignation later

    4 options of writing a resignation letter:-

    1. Short but not formal
    2. A bit formal
    3. Formal one
    4. The deadly one
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  17. #527
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    Default Real or Fake Challenge!!!

    fake or real panda?

    rule: next of kin is not allow to guess
    Attached Images Attached Images  
    Last edited by cooler; 03-05-2007 at 08:25 PM.

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