Jokes

[ctjcad]

..enjoy-

Funny Foreign Frases

1. HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? -- Can you drive a French motorcycle?

2. IDIOS AMIGOS -- We're wild and crazy guys!

3. VENI, VIPI, VICI -- I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered.

4. COGITO EGGO SUM -- I think; therefore I am a waffle.

5. RIGOR MORRIS -- The cat is dead.

6. RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID -- Honk if you're Scottish.

7. QUE SERA SERF -- Life is feudal.

8. LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI -- The king is dead. No kidding.

9. POSH MORTEM -- Death styles of the rich and famous

10. PRO BOZO PUBLICO -- Support your local clown.

11. MONAGE A TROIS -- I am three years old.

12. FELIX NAVIDAD -- Our cat has a boat.

13. HASTE CUISINE -- Fast French food

14. VENI, VIDI, VICE -- I came, I saw, I partied.

15. QUIP PRO QUO -- A fast retort

16. ALOHA OY -- Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should never know.

17. MAZEL TON -- tons of luck

18. PORTE-KOCHERE -- Sacramental wine

19. ICH LIEBE RICH -- I'm really crazy about having dough.

20. FUI GENERIS -- What's mine is mine.

21. VISA LA FRANCE -- Don't leave your chateau without it.

22. CA VA SANS DIRT -- And that's not gossip.

23. MERCI RIEN -- Thanks for nothin'!

24. AMICUS PURIAE -- Platonic friend

25. L'ETAT, C'EST MOO -- I'm bossy around here.
================================================== ===
Hit Television Shows in Iraq

1. "Husseinfeld"

2. "Mad About Everything"

3. "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"

4. "Suddenly Sanctions"

5. "Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest"

6. "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"

7. "Buffy The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs"

8. "Wheel of Fortune and Terror"

9. "Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"

10. "The Price is Right If Saddam Says It's Right"

11. M*U*S*T*A*S*H

12. "Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses"

13. "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Mosque"

14. "When Kurds Attack"

15. "Just Shoot Me"

16. "My Two Baghdads"

17. "Diagnosis Heresy"

18. "Everybody Loves Saddam Or He'll Have Them Shot"

19. "Captured Iranian Soldiers Scream the Darndest Things"

20. "Two Guys, a Girl and a Fatwah"
=================================================
Pillsbury Dough Boy Dead At 71

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.
Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, The California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and The Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded." Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers.

He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.

Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 4:50 for about 20 minutes.

[silentheart]

My dealer was asking me if I have been look other brand online. I told him that I was looking into Victoria's Secrets. My NS9000-x need a stiffer shaft. Also I need to turn the NS9000-s into a NS9000-x and everthing in betwEEn.

[Athelete1234]

My friend sent these to me, so...
================================================== ==========
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________
OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[DivingBirdie]

Your date of birth and age are displayed in several places on the forum. Only the administrator will have access to your date of birth should you choose to hide it via the privacy option below.
Please contact the Administrator if your date of birth has changed.


it's at http://www.badmintoncentral.com/foru...do=editprofile

thought it was kinda funny

[cooler]

Your date of birth and age are displayed in several places on the forum. Only the administrator will have access to your date of birth should you choose to hide it via the privacy option below.
Please contact the Administrator if your date of birth has changed.


it's at http://www.badmintoncentral.com/foru...do=editprofile

thought it was kinda funny

well, if u ask a woman's age, she would tell a different one to different people Kwun is just making provision for those situation

[cooler]

Hello Kitty to punish bad-boy Thai police Mon Aug 6, 2:13 AM ET



Thai police said Monday they have recruited Hello Kitty, the moon-faced global icon of cuteness, as a new disciplinary tool for officers found engaging in "inappropriate" behaviour.

Officers who speak too aggressively to civilians, who fail to turn off their engines when they park their cars, or commit other minor violations of proper conduct will be forced to wear bright pink Hello Kitty armbands as punishment, police Colonel Pongpat Chayaphan told AFP.

Previously such offences were punished by a written reprimand, but Pongpat said that seemed to do little to deter future breaches of conduct.

He said he hoped the Hello Kitty armbands would shame officers into shaping up.

"I chose this symbol because it is pink and easy to see," he said.

In addition to wearing the cartoon cat on their sleeves for one day, the officers will also have to be accompanied by whoever is the deputy chief on duty for the day, Pongpat added.

"This is intended to engender their feelings of guilt," Pongpat added.

Second offences will be dealt with by a disciplinary panel that could decide to detain the misbehaving officers, he said.

[cooler]

Hello Kitty to punish bad-boy Thai police Mon Aug 6, 2:13 AM ET

I forgot about the pic

[azabaz_ipoh]

I thought it was an armband. that looks more like a mouth cover. hehehehe. how cute. yeah, i think that might work. the embarassment of wearing pink hello kitty. you could die from it.

[cooler]

scared by her own baby.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dtLzvOsQ80k

[cooler]

Pencils made in China recalled due to lead levels
Updated Sat. Sep. 1 2007 3:36 PM ET

Canadian Press

OTTAWA -- Another children's product made in China has been added to the growing list of recalls over concerns about lead, making it the fourth such recall in less than one month.

Amscan Canada is voluntarily recalling 140,000 units of all 16 models of the pencils.
------------------
Hmmmm, aren't lead pencils suppose to contain lead?????????????

Hmmmm, why they don't recall all the lead fillings in people's mouth?

[cards_pro]

It is a true story. If you do a google search for 'World dumbest hacker'.
You will find this.




quote:

* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-a97f9137.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)
* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-61a2169c.dip.t-dialin.net) has joined #stopHipHop
[bitchchecker] why do you kick me
[bitchchecker] can’t you discus normally
[bitchchecker] answer!
[Elch] we didn’t kick you
[Elch] you had a ping timeout: * bitchchecker (~java@euirc-a97f9137.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)
[bitchchecker] what ping man
[bitchchecker] the timing of my pc is right
[bitchchecker] i even have dst
[bitchchecker] you banned me
[bitchchecker] amit it you son of a bitch
[HopperHunter|afk] LOL
[HopperHunter|afk] **** you’re stupid, DST^^
[bitchchecker] shut your mouth WE HAVE DST!
[bitchchecker] for two weaks already
[bitchchecker] when you start your pc there is a message from windows that DST is applied.
[Elch] You’re a real computer expert
[bitchchecker] shut up i hack you
[Elch] ok, i’m quiet, hope you don’t show us how good a hacker you are ^^
[bitchchecker] tell me your network number man then you’re dead
[Elch] Eh, it’s 129.0.0.1
[Elch] or maybe 127.0.0.1
[Elch] yes exactly that’s it: 127.0.0.1 I’m waiting for you great attack
[bitchchecker] in five minutes your hard drive is deleted
[Elch] Now I’m frightened
[bitchchecker] shut up you’ll be gone
[bitchchecker] i have a program where i enter your ip and you’re dead
[bitchchecker] say goodbye
[Elch] to whom?
[bitchchecker] to you man
[bitchchecker] buy buy
[Elch] I’m shivering thinking about such great Hack0rs like you
* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-61a2169c.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)


two minutes later......

* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-b5cd558e.dip.t-dialin.net) has joined #stopHipHop
[bitchchecker] dude be happy my pc crashed otherwise you’d be gone
[Metanot] lol
[Elch] bitchchecker: Then try hacking me again… I still have the same IP: 127.0.0.1
[bitchchecker] you’re so stupid man
[bitchchecker] say buy buy
[Metanot] ah, [Please control your cussing] off
[bitchchecker] buy buy elch
* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-b5cd558e.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)


two minutes later........

* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-9ff3c180.dip.t-dialin.net) has joined #stopHipHop
[bitchchecker] elch you son of a bitch
[Metanot] bitchchecker how old are you?
[Elch] What’s up bitchchecker?
[bitchchecker] you have a frie wal
[bitchchecker] fire wall
[Elch] maybe, i don’t know
[bitchchecker] i’m 26
[Metanot] such behaviour with 26?
[Elch] how did you find out that I have a firewall?
[Metanot] tststs this is not very nice missy
[bitchchecker] because your gay fire wall directed my turn off signal back to me
[bitchchecker] be a man turn that **** off
[Elch] cool, didn’t know this was possible.
[bitchchecker] thn my virus destroys your pc man
[Metanot] are you hacking yourselves?
[Elch] yes bitchchecker is trying to hack me
[Metanot] he bitchchecker if you’re a hacker you have to get around a firewall even i can do that
[bitchchecker] yes man i hack the elch but the sucker has a fire wall the
[Metanot] what firewall do you have?
[bitchchecker] like a girl
[Metanot] firewall is normal a normal hacker has to be able to get past it…you girl^^
[He] Bitch give yourself a jackson and chill you’re letting them provoce you and give those little girls new material all the time
[bitchchecker] turn the firewall off then i send you a virus [Please control your cussing]er
[Elch] Noo
[Metanot] he bitchchecker why turn it off, you should turn it off
[bitchchecker] you’re afraid
[bitchchecker] i don’t wanna hack like this if he hides like a girl behind a fire wall
[bitchchecker] elch turn off your **** wall!
[Metanot] i wanted to say something about this, do you know the definition of hacking??? if he turns of the firewall that’s an invitation and that has nothing to do with hacking
[bitchchecker] shut up
[Metanot] lol
[bitchchecker] my grandma surfs with fire wall
[bitchchecker] and you suckers think you’re cool and don’t dare going into the internet without a fire wall



[Elch] bitchchecker, a collegue showed me how to turn the firewall off. Now you can try again
[Metanot] bitchhacker can’t hack
[Black] nice play on words ^^
[bitchchecker] wort man
[Elch] bitchchecker: I’m still waiting for your attack!
[Metanot] how many times again he is no hacker
[bitchchecker] man do you want a virus
[bitchchecker] tell me your ip and it deletes your hard drive
[Metanot] lol ne give it up i’m a hacker myself and i know how hackers behave and i can tell you 100.00% you’re no hacker..^^
[Elch] 127.0.0.1
[Elch] it’s easy
[bitchchecker] lolololol you so stupid man you’ll be gone
[bitchchecker] and are the first files being deleted
[Elch] mom…
[Elch] i’ll take a look


[bitchchecker] don’t need to rescue you can’t son of a bitch
[Elch] that’s bad
[bitchchecker] elch you idiout your hard drive g: is deleted
[Elch] yes, there’s nothing i can do about it
[bitchchecker] and in 20 seconds f: is gone


[bitchchecker] tupac rules
[bitchchecker] elch you son of a bitch your f: is gone and e: too


[bitchchecker] and d: is at 45% you idiot lolololol
[He] why doesn’t meta say anything
[Elch] he’s probably rolling on the floor laughing
[Black] ^^
[bitchchecker] your d: is gone
[He] go on BITCH


[bitchchecker] elch man you’re so stupid never give your ip on the internet
[bitchchecker] i’m already at c: 30 percent

* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-9ff3c180.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)



That is the end of bitchchecker's hacking career.

[cooler]

Fri Sep 07 2007 07:48:23 ET

**Exclusive**

As former Vice President Al Gore waits to hear if he has won this year's Nobel Peace Prize for his tireless effort on climate change, a new video will air this weekend capturing Gore on a fuel-guzzling private jet!

FOXNEWS host Sean Hannity is set to unleash the damning video this Sunday night, network sources reveal.

[ctjcad]

(based on U.S. medical insurance)..
Everything you need to know - MEDICAL INSURANCE EXPLAINED

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase , 'HEY MOE'. Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye.

Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the Plan. The doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the Plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the Plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and a diploma from a third world country.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. Can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment .

Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his/her office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving it a shot

Q. Will health care be different in the next decade?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then

[Lobeh]

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote 'The Hokey Kokey' died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

[MSHSBadmPlayer]

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote 'The Hokey Kokey' died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

LOL this is a nice one! VERY amusing

[Lobeh]

This bloke is working on the buses and collecting tickets. He rings the bell for
the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver
sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the bloke is
sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair.
On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him
a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the
executioner. "Can I have that green banana?" the man asks. The executioner gives
the man his green banana and waits until he's eaten it. When the man's finished,
the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through
the man.

When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never
happened before." The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses
selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are
still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent
down for murder again and sent to the electric chair.

The executioner is determined to do it right this time so he rigs the chair up
to the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The bloke is again sat in the
chair.

"What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana
in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man.

The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the
banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts
course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man
is still there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets
the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he
rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three
of them. He is sent to the electric chair again.


The executioner rigs up all the electricity in America to the chair, determined
to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have
that green banana out of your packed lunch?" The executioner hands over his
banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner then pulls the
handle and a zillion million trillion volts go through the chair.

When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand. How you can still be
alive after all that?"

He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it?" he asked.

"Nahh" said the bloke,".....I'm just a really bad conductor."

[azabaz_ipoh]

hahahahahahaha. that is real funny. bad conductor. kah kah kah