Jokes

**george@chongwei** · 10-11-2007, 01:17 AM

1) MR. BEAN SEES A DOCTOR :
Doctor : I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor : Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor : Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!

2) MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL:
Teacher : What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean : 9
Teacher : What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean : Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!

3) WHILE IN A DRUG STORE:
Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk : Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!

4) AT AN ATM MACHINE:
Friend : What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend : Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)!

5) MARRIAGE:
Friend : How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Frien d : Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse.

6) CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND:
Friend : How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.
Friend : What tape did you take anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.

7) DEATH OF HIS MOTHER:
Mr. Bean

crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend : condolence, my friend.
(After 2 minutes) Mr. Bean cries even louder
Friend : what now?
Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!

8) MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING:
Colleague : Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure.
Mr. Bean : That's alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.

9) SPELLING LESSON:
Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful....is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean : Make it three c to be sure!

**robin7** · 10-11-2007, 04:34 AM

I just received this e-mail from a friend and it's damned sarcastic. Can someone translate it into English?

**ctjcad** · 10-11-2007, 06:15 PM

..alright, some of you might've seen this before..if not, enjoy

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this
money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said.
"I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS !" replied the homeless woman. " I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my
husband and me tonight."

The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman
looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.

**robin7** · 10-12-2007, 03:24 AM

ctjcad, thanks for all the jokes posted. I like those jokes with pictures but too lazy to read those with long text. Anyway, keep it coming.

**taufik-ist** · 10-12-2007, 05:00 AM

what do you think of this below

**robin7** · 10-12-2007, 05:47 AM

Originally Posted by taufik-ist

what do you think of this below

I have to say that lazy people are more creative. But I won't try that, too heavy for me.

**robin7** · 10-12-2007, 06:05 AM

Originally Posted by ctjcad

..enjoy-

Funny Foreign Frases
================================================== ===
Hit Television Shows in Iraq
=================================================
Pillsbury Dough Boy Dead At 71

Are these supposed to be funny?
Btw, do u mean "Funny Foreign Phrases"?

**ctjcad** · 10-12-2007, 01:50 PM

Originally Posted by robin7

Are these supposed to be funny?
Btw, do u mean "Funny Foreign Phrases"?

..ah, you've finally stumbled upon some old, almost forgotten, jokes..

..And in response to those queries:
-Sí Señor ("Funny Foreign Frases", it's done purposely in relation to the other following words or phrases being used)

-Oui Monsieur (okay a few, some of 'em are a bit on the borderline; i assume you know they're titles of movies, tv shows?)

-Iya Boss (if you read carefully, a lot of puns are being used)

..are they supposed to/not supposed to be funny? well, it depends how one looks at them; take 'em lightly because they (or most of the jokes in this thread) are simply....jokes...

*looking around wondering if we're in the "Jokes" thread or not*

**ctjcad** · 10-12-2007, 01:52 PM

(courtesy of our BC member, samuel882)..

..some of you guys might've seen these already-if not, enjoy

..and these are for our robin7

In front of the Ernst & Young building (Los Angeles)

Optimus Prime (Southern China)

The "Magic tap" (found in "Aqualand" of Cadiz, Spain), which appears to float in the sky with an endless supply of water. Actually, there is a pipe hidden in the stream of water that holds the whole structure

A Mona Lisa made of computer chips (ASUS headquarters)

(Oslo, Norway)

Car park markings continue up the wall of the building where a Morris Mini is parked. The head- and taillights light up at night. MailScanner has detected a possible fraud attempt from "maps.google.com" claiming to be (Westenbergstraat, Netherlands)

Potsdam, Germany)

(Springfield, Missouri)

"The Shark" (Headington, Oxford)

"Iron Lady", in front of the building Regentes (Netherlands)

Salt Lake City

In front of the Bukcheon Museum (Seoul, Korea)

A contemporary representation of Charles La Trobe in central Melbourne (This temporary installation was removed at the end of June 2006 and has been acquired by La Trobe University).

Mazinger Z (near Tarragona, Spain)

**2saya** · 10-13-2007, 06:05 AM

Originally Posted by ctjcad

..alright, some of you might've seen this before..if not, enjoy

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this
money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said.
"I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS !" replied the homeless woman. " I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my
husband and me tonight."

The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman
looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.

im sure show this to my mother!!!
LOL!!!!!!!!!

**ctjcad** · 10-13-2007, 03:02 PM

(pics courtesy of our samuel882)..some of you have seen these already; if not, enjoy!

These icons were designed by Liu Yang who was born in China and educated in Germany.
Blue --> German
Red --> Chinese
..although not all of them are necessarily true, as they could be interchangeable..

It may help us to understand...each other better

================================================== ======
Opinion

Way of Life

Punctuality

Contacts

Anger

Queue When Waiting

Me

Sundays On The Road

Party

In The Restaurant

Upset Stomach/Stomach Ache

Traveling

Definition of Beauty (tan & untan)

Handling of Problems

Three Meals A Day

Transportation

Elderly In Day To Day Life

Time Of Shower

Moods and Weather

The Boss

What's Trendy

The Child

Things That Are New

Perception Of Each Other

**ctjcad** · 10-13-2007, 03:11 PM

(pics courtesy of samuel882)...

**hiroisuke** · 10-14-2007, 10:37 PM

Originally Posted by robin7

I just received this e-mail from a friend and it's damned sarcastic. Can someone translate it into English?

Hm...it's quite witty. Lolz. I can't translate it properly, but it is indeed quite funny. Too bad I can only get the general gist of it, I really can't translate it.

**jiayou** · 10-16-2007, 12:24 PM

Funny joke of the day: Excel's father

A woman named Anny demanding Taufik Hidayat’s –a famous Indonesian badminton athlete – confession of their son, 5 years old a boy called Excel. Anny said that Taufik Hidayat is Excel’s dad; as they were had relationship few years ago.

Anny said that Excel need to meet his father at least once a life time, and Taufik’s confession needed to get Excel’s Indonesian Legal letter of Birth. Taufik refused to confess, and demanding DNA test to prove it.

Hm, I think I know who is Excel’s father exactly, Microsoft Office!

**ctjcad** · 10-23-2007, 04:36 PM

..some of you have probably seen these-if not, enjoy!

ME FIRST!

Diversionary tactic

Words of Wisdom

A fortune to remember

Not my job

Timotei Ad

QUEEN OF THE BLONDES

What will I be when I grow up?

This is just too priceless not to share!

**samuel882** · 10-25-2007, 08:20 AM

Chinese Names to avoide

Mandarin
Paul Chan - Bankrupt
Anne Chang - Dirty
Faye Chen - Dusty
Anne Chin - Keep quiet
Henry Mah - Hate your mum
Jane Tan - Frying eggs
Nelson Tan - Bird laying eggs
Leslie Tong - Rubbish bin

Hokkien
Carl Cheng - Buttock
Monica Cheng - Touching your buttocks
Lucy Leow - You are dead
Suzie Leow - Lost till death
Lim Yew Lin - Drink urine
Lim Teh Peng - Drink iced tea
Danny See - Squeeze you to death
Corrine Tai - Poor fellow
Rosie Teng - Screws and nails
Carmen Tng - Leg hair long
Pete Tsai - Nose droppings

Cantonese
Connie Mah - Call your mother
Macy Koh - Never die before
Michael Tan - Sell eggs
Michael Loong - Sell chicken cage