Results 52 to 68 of 1674
08-29-2004, 11:42 PM #52
An 85 year old man visits his doctor to get a sperm count. The old man is given a jar and told to bring back a sample. The next day he returns to the doctor with an empty jar.
"What happened?" says the doctor.
"Well," the old man starts, "I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left -- nothing. Then she tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called Evelyn, the lady next door, but still nothing."
The doctor bursts out, "You asked your neighbor?"
"Yep, No matter what we tried we couldn't get that damn jar open."
08-31-2004, 08:17 AM #53
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. After a short massage she asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
09-02-2004, 05:44 PM #54
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."
09-02-2004, 05:45 PM #55
The High School science teacher Mr. Sampson asks his class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first student to look his way.
"Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "Sir, how dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"
Mr. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. He asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.
"Yes, Sam?" says Mr. Sampson.
"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."
"Very good, Sam. Thank you."
Mr. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: First, it's clear that you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."
09-02-2004, 05:46 PM #56
There's this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."
09-02-2004, 05:49 PM #57
One day, a teacher, a garbage man and a lawyer all die and go to Heaven.
St. Peter is there, and when they get to the gate, St Peter informs them that there will be a test to get into Heaven. They each will have to answer one question.
So he asked the teacher, "What was the name of the ship that hit an iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"
The teacher without hestitation replies, "The Titanic."
St Peter lets him through the gate. St Peter turns to the garbage man, and, figuring that Heaven doesn't really need all the stink this guy would bring in decided to make te question tougher: "How many people were on the ship?"
Taking a guess, the garbage man said, "1228."
Surprised, St. Peter exclaims, "That happens to be right! Go ahead."
St Peter turns to the lawyer: "Name them."
09-05-2004, 08:44 AM #58
letter from mommy DEAREST, not d BRIGHTEST!
Letter from a mother to her son.... Read it
carefully... it's hilarious!!! Just to brighten up
My dear Jagjit, I am in a well here and hoping you
are also in a well there. I'm writing this letter
slowly, because I know you cannot read fast. We
don't live where we did when you left home. Your
dad read in the newspaper that most accidents
happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20
miles. I won't be able to send the address as the
last Sardar who stayed here took the house
numbers with them for their new house so they
would not have to change their address. Hopefully
by next week we will be able to take our earlier
address plate here, so that our address will
remain same too.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing
machine, situated right above the toilet I'm not
sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts,
pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The
weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last
week. The first time it rained for 3 days and
second time for 4 days. The coat you wanted me
to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too
heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons,
so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.
Your father has another job. He has 500 men
under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.
By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The
manager is Badmash. He told her that two piece
swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were
confused as to which piece should we remove?
Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't
found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't
know whether you are an Aunt or an Uncle. Your
uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men
tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely
and drowned. We cremated him and he burned
for three days.
Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died
trying to fulfill his father's last wishes. His father
had wished to be buried in the sea after he died.
And your friend died while in the process of
digging a grave for his father. There isn't much
more news this time. Nothing much has
P. S: Jagjit, I was going to send you some money
but by the time I realized, I had already sealed off
09-05-2004, 09:21 AM #59Originally Posted by laughable c.
09-06-2004, 01:34 AM #60
look i'v got more
Lee Sum Wan : Hello can i speak to Annie Wan
Mr Sori : Yes u could speak to me.
Lee Sum Wan: No, i want to speak to Annie Wan!
Mr Sori : You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Lee Sum Wan : Im Sum Wan. And i need to talk to Annie Wan! Its urgent.
Mr Sori : I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what's
this urgent matter about?
Lee Sum Wan : Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother was
involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being
sent to the hospital. Right now Avery Wan is going to the hospital.
Mr Sori : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital
from the accident that isnt an urgent matter! You may find this
hilarious but i dont have time for this!!!
Lee Sum Wan : You are rude. Who are you?
Mr Sori : Im Sori.
LeeĀ*Sum Wan : You should be sorry. Now give me your name!
Mr Sori : Im Sori!!
Lee Sum Wan : I dont like your tone of voice Mr and i dont care, give
me your name!
Mr Sori : Look lady, I told you already Im Sori! Im Sori!! Im SORI!!! you
didnt even give me your name!
Lee Sum Wan : I told u before im Sum Wan! Sum Wan!!! You better be careful my father is Sum Buddy. And my uncle holds a very big position
in the co. He is Noe Buddy.
Mr Sori : Oh im so scared(sarcastically).Look i dont care about ur uncle
he's a nobody. Everybody thinks his top dog and holding an important
position in the company.
Lee Sum Wan : No Avery Buddy just married my aunt. And Avery Buddy doesn't work there.
Mr Sori : Like i said i dont care which one of ur aunt screws everybody and
i also know that not everybody works here! Jeez!!!
Lee Sum Wan : Wheech Wan is my sis!
Mr. Sori : I dont know which one is ur sis! Why in gods name u think I do!?
Look i got work to do and if im feeling mischievious i'll broadcast
it on the P.A system saying. "Attention, someone called and said that
anyones brother just got involved in an accident. But not to worry no
one got injured and no one was sent to the hospital. But everyone is going
to the hospital anyways. The father maybe a somebody but if u're
their uncle, u're a nobody. "how bout that!?
09-06-2004, 08:07 AM #61
They are overworked in an office so the boss decides to put an ad in the window for help.
The ad reads 'Help wanted. Must be able to use a typewriter, be computer literate and bilingual.'
After an hour or so a dog walks in and goes to to the reception nods at the sign and barks.
"You want to apply for the job?' asks the recpetionist. The dog nods his head.
The receptionist goes to the bosses office and convinces him he should see the dog.
The boss says to the dog, "Can you use a typewriter?'
Woof goes the dog and bounds over to the typewriter and knocks out a couple of perfect business letters.
'Okay, are you computer literate?' asks the boss.
Woof goes the dog and goes to the computer and creates a database, imports it it into a spreadsheet and then produces graphs and charts.
'Well I'm pretty impressed.' says the boss,'but are you bilingual?'
The dog looks at him and goes 'Meow.'
09-06-2004, 08:10 AM #62
Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."
That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."
The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"
So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine."
Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed! I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."
09-06-2004, 08:16 AM #63
some things you just can't explain
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk.
A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied. "So what happened then?" the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket." The man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail." "Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just can't explain."
09-06-2004, 08:18 AM #64
Viens a moi
Two women walked into a department store, stopped at the perfume counter and picked up a sample bottle. One sprayed the perfume on her wrist and smelled it. "That's nice, isn't it?" Sharon said, waving her arm under her friend's nose.
"Yeah. What's it called?"
"Viens a moi."
"Viens a moi? What's that mean?"
A clerk offered some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me.'"
Sharon took another sniff. "That doesn't smell like come to me," she said, offering her arm to her friend again. "Does that smell like come to you?"
09-10-2004, 01:44 AM #65
Secret is out, Lah Toya Jackson, is a singaporean. LOL
Last edited by cooler; 09-10-2004 at 01:57 AM.
09-13-2004, 07:05 PM #66
hey fend, you should get yourself an armortec 800.
09-14-2004, 01:05 AM #67Originally Posted by cooler
09-14-2004, 01:09 AM #68Originally Posted by FEND.
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