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Thread: Jokes

  1. #664
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    woh, those could be real clever and ingenius, or very very stupid. the things that could go wrong.....endless. but i guess doing it almost everyday, you should have gained some skills as to how to go about it.

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    Default Amazing ads

    ...alright, here are pics which some of you probably have seen before..if not, enjoy!
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    Default A beach in Korea

    Have you seen this before?
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    Lucky frog


    A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,"Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog
    and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"

    The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides
    to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 Wood." The guy takes out a 3 Wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,"OK, where to next?" The frog replied, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog
    says,"Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't
    know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

    The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

    "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

  5. #668
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    Default Ocd

    The worlds most Obsessive Compulsive Disorder patient (Let's call him Tim) was on a boat ferrying him to another country for treatment. As luck would have it, a great storm struck during the journey and the boat capsized.

    Fortunately Tim survived and was washed-ashore on a small uninhabited rocky island. He found that there was sufficient natural food source and fresh water to survive on the island. He even found a perfect rock to sit on the cliff to view the beautiful sunset.

    Everyday, while greatly appreciating the sunset, he'd still feel so sorry for himself that he was not only lost on an Island but how alone he felt without a partner or friend.

    days passed turning into weeks and eventually becoming months. Then one day while Tim was at the other side of the island, a beautiful woman was washed-ashore on the island when her plane she was piloting crashed. She came to her senses and realized her new surroundings. Then she climbed up the cliff to have a better idea of her location.

    When she reached the top of the cliff, she sat on a perfect rock as she viewed the sea... This was when Tim walked in and saw the beautiful woman and said "you're on my seat!" and kicked her of the cliff.

    Tim spent the rest of his life on the Island all alone.

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    Default Bee Hive!!!!

    Question : Why is a bee's nest called a Hive??

    Answer : Coz our ancesters learnt the hard way that when you are near one... you better BEEHIVE! (behave)

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    Default Malaysian Joke

    Dato Samy Vellu announced.."saya syukur angkasawan kita setelah meninggal
    dunia 10 hari,kini selamat dikebumikan."

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Samy Vellu ditemuramah tentang program angkasawan negara.

    Samy : "...Bagi saya, ini semua adalah satu pembaziran atas duit rakyat. Kita sepatutnya tidak hantar mereka ke bulan, tapi hantar mereka pergi matahari. Barulah USA, Russia, respict sama kita...."

    Penemuramah : Tapi Dato' Seri, matahari kan panas. Macam mana mau pergi sana?

    Samy : Cit! itu pasal la u tara jadi mintri. Saya suda lebey 30 tahun jadi mintri, saya musti ada jalan penyelesaian. Kita jangan pergi siang, manyak panas. kita pigi malam, baru ada sujuuuuuk... ...

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    ROFL........... Going to the Sun at night so it's cooler. har har. funny idea

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    Default Tis quite funny..

    Quote Originally Posted by robin7 View Post
    Dato Samy Vellu announced.."saya syukur angkasawan kita setelah meninggal
    dunia 10 hari,kini selamat dikebumikan."
    Quote Originally Posted by jug8man View Post
    ROFL........... Going to the Sun at night so it's cooler. har har. funny idea
    ..fortunately i can read & understand the language (at least most of the words)...But perhaps a translation can be provided for the enjoyment to the rest of us, non-Malaysian-speaking & coherent BC members??..
    Last edited by ctjcad; 11-02-2007 at 04:49 PM.

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    it is quite hard to translate a joke since you have to know the double meanings. but let me at least try.

    Quote Originally Posted by robin7 View Post
    Dato Samy Vellu announced.."saya syukur angkasawan kita setelah meninggal
    dunia 10 hari,kini selamat dikebumikan."...
    (note : dato samy vellu is a malaysian politician who have a habit of saying something that means entirely different than what he meant to say)
    Dato samy vellu announced...."i am thankful that our astronout, after leaving the earth for ten days (though "meninggal dunia" that he meant was leave the world, it also means died), now have finally return to earth (though "dikebumikan" that he meant was come back to earth it also means buried)

    so basically the other way of reading this joke is, dato samy vellu announced..."i am thankful that our astronout, after dead for ten days, have finally been buried"

    does that help at all?
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Quote Originally Posted by robin7 View Post
    Samy Vellu ditemuramah tentang program angkasawan negara.

    Samy : "...Bagi saya, ini semua adalah satu pembaziran atas duit rakyat. Kita sepatutnya tidak hantar mereka ke bulan, tapi hantar mereka pergi matahari. Barulah USA, Russia, respict sama kita...."

    Penemuramah : Tapi Dato' Seri, matahari kan panas. Macam mana mau pergi sana?

    Samy : Cit! itu pasal la u tara jadi mintri. Saya suda lebey 30 tahun jadi mintri, saya musti ada jalan penyelesaian. Kita jangan pergi siang, manyak panas. kita pigi malam, baru ada sujuuuuuk... ...
    samy : "...to me, all this is a waste of taxpayers' money. we shouldn't send them to the moon, but we should send them to the sun. only then will USA, russia will respect us..."

    interviewer :but dato seri, the sun is hot. how can we go there?

    samy : cit! that is why you are not the minister. i have been a minister for 30 years, of course i have a solution. we dont go during the day because it is hot. we go at night, then it will be cooler....

  11. #674
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    Quote Originally Posted by azabaz_ipoh View Post
    it is quite hard to translate a joke since you have to know the double meanings. but let me at least try.
    Great translation.

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    Female Want Ad :
    QUOTE
    What am I doing wrong?
    Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy.

    I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.

    Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board?

    Any wives?

    Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

    Here are my questions specifically:
    -Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms
    -What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings
    -Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?
    -Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?
    - Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?
    - How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY

    Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth. It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


    The Reply :
    QUOTE
    I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament. Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year.
    That said here's how I see it.

    Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity....in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!

    So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest.. By 35 stick a fork in you!

    So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage. Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets.

    So,I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.

    By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation. With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump."

    I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.

  13. #676
    Regular Member robin7's Avatar
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    Default Not jokes but ...

    Something nice to share here...
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  14. #677
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    Quote Originally Posted by FEND. View Post
    Female Want Ad :
    QUOTE
    What am I doing wrong?
    Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy.

    I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.

    Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board?

    Any wives?

    Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

    Here are my questions specifically:
    -Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms
    -What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings
    -Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?
    -Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?
    - Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?
    - How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY

    Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth. It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


    The Reply :
    QUOTE
    I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament. Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year.
    That said here's how I see it.

    Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity....in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!

    So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest.. By 35 stick a fork in you!

    So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage. Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets.

    So,I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.

    By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation. With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump."

    I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.

    Ha Ha Ha, this is really funny ! !

  15. #678
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    Quote Originally Posted by azabaz_ipoh View Post
    it is quite hard to translate a joke since you have to know the double meanings. but let me at least try.



    (note : dato samy vellu is a malaysian politician who have a habit of saying something that means entirely different than what he meant to say)
    Dato samy vellu announced...."i am thankful that our astronout, after leaving the earth for ten days (though "meninggal dunia" that he meant was leave the world, it also means died), now have finally return to earth (though "dikebumikan" that he meant was come back to earth it also means buried)

    so basically the other way of reading this joke is, dato samy vellu announced..."i am thankful that our astronout, after dead for ten days, have finally been buried"

    does that help at all?
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------



    samy : "...to me, all this is a waste of taxpayers' money. we shouldn't send them to the moon, but we should send them to the sun. only then will USA, russia will respect us..."

    interviewer :but dato seri, the sun is hot. how can we go there?

    samy : cit! that is why you are not the minister. i have been a minister for 30 years, of course i have a solution. we dont go during the day because it is hot. we go at night, then it will be cooler....
    i wonder if this is included in his latest biography book..?
    talking about our dearest samy vellu is always ..'exciting' and 'inspiring'...
    haha..

  16. #679
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    Quote Originally Posted by angelatby View Post
    Ha Ha Ha, this is really funny ! !
    i read that one before, it was from new york's craiglist.
    It's was real and i have its post # and members #

  17. #680
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    new fashion
    "My Chopsticks" bra. Japanese women with green issues close to their hearts may soon be able to wear a bra which can carry their own chopsticks in a bid to reduce waste. The bra, created by Triumph Japan, sports cups styled like a bowl of rice and a bowl of miso soup and side pouches for the chopsticks.(AFP/Yoshikazu Tsuno)
    lunch on the go
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