Results 698 to 714 of 1705
11-12-2007, 07:30 PM #698
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again??'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
11-12-2007, 11:25 PM #699
what about a plush toy instead of statues. then everybody can buy the player that they like and hug them to sleep. kih kih kih imagine a squeezable LCW or LD or TH with changable t shirts. kah kah kah. then evrybody (well girls actually) will be two years old again.
11-13-2007, 06:00 AM #700
11-13-2007, 07:16 PM #701
got this photo of a drugstore taken from a coworker vacationing in hong kong.
It's nice to get all those in one stop shopping
Last edited by cooler; 11-13-2007 at 07:21 PM.
11-13-2007, 09:26 PM #702
hhahahahahahahaha.....that's a good one.
11-15-2007, 04:18 AM #703
That's More Like It!
"So what did you learn at Sunday school today?" Grandpa asked little Johnny.
"Oh, that's quite a story, grandpa," said Johnny.
"The Israeli convoy had reached the Red Sea when the Egyptians attacked with tanks.
As their formations approached, Moses ordered a pontoon bridge to be built.
He also ordered his heavy artillery to keep the tanks from getting too close.
The Israeli engineers assembled the rafts as quickly as possible and began moving the lighter vehicles across first.
Then the Egyptians called in their attack jets and scrambled a few squadrons as fast as they could.
As the planes began screaming in towards the Red Sea, Moses called for Surface-To-Air missiles.
The Israelis also beat off the infantry attacks using heavy machine guns and cluster bombs.
It was a hard battle but the Israeli guns, missiles and artillery managed to keep the Egyptian infantry, jets and tanks away.
And when the smoke had cleared, the Egyptian attack force had completely retreated.
Thanks to their military engineers, the Israelis also made it safely across the Red Sea.
It was indeed a miracle that not one was hurt."
Grandpa frowned. "Is this really what they taught you at Sunday School?"
"Well, grandpa," replied Johnny. "If I told you that, you'd never believe it."
11-17-2007, 10:44 AM #704
Haven't heard even a giggle, much less a laugh, in the last 72 hours
11-17-2007, 12:34 PM #705
11-17-2007, 07:30 PM #706
11-17-2007, 07:52 PM #707
11-18-2007, 12:55 AM #708
11-18-2007, 01:07 AM #709
11-18-2007, 01:40 AM #710
11-18-2007, 01:44 AM #711
How Do You Capture A Giant Panda?
OK, here's a simple one:
One Sunday morning, an old lady woke up to find a Giant Panda sitting in a tree in her backyard.
Shocked, she called the police.
The duty officer said they couldn't help as it wasn't engaged in any criminal activity.
She then called the fire force.
The fire officer said the force was trained to fight fires, not animals.
She then called the local zoo.
The man who answered said their animals were all accounted for and didn't want any more.
However, noting her distress, the man suggested she look up the Yellow Pages.
"Does it have black patches around the eyes, over the ears, and across its body?"
"Turn to Animal Rescue," said the man, "and look under Giant Panda."
He was right.
There it was - 'Giant Panda Capturing Service'.
The old lady dialled the listed number.
"Morning, GPCS," said a male voice. "How may we help you?"
"Come quickly!" shouted the old lady. "There's this huge bear sitting in my tree."
"Does it have black patches around the eyes, over the ears, and across its body?"
"Sure does," she replied. "The zoo said it's a Giant Panda."
"OK," said the man. "Just one more thing -- is it male?"
"Is it a male Giant Panda?"
"How am I supposed to know that?" snapped the old lady.
"Take a look, lady," replied the man. "It's important."
The old lady took a look.
"Yes, it is definitely male."
"Good," said the man, "because we capture only male Giant Pandas. Your address, please."
Hastily, the old lady gave her address.
"OK," said the man. "We'll be there tomorrow morning."
"Tomorrow?" cried the old lady. "Why not now?"
"Oh, my assistant doesn't work Sundays," replied the man, "and it takes two to capture it."
"Look, I could help," she said, desperate. "Please."
The man thought for a moment.
"Alright then," he finally replied. "I'll be there rightaway."
Sure enough, the man arrived in a truck painted with the sign GPCS.
He gathered his things near the tree - a gun, a pointed stick, a pair of handcuffs and a chihuahua.
"Ma'am," he said. "Listen carefully. This is what we're going to do."
The old lady listened carefully, one eye on the Giant Panda perched in her tree.
"First I'm gonna climb the tree," said the man. "Then, I'll poke the animal with this pointed stick until it falls out of the tree. Now, you see this chihuahua here?"
The old lady nodded.
"It's trained to bite between the legs," the man continued. "When it tries to do that, the Giant Panda will try to cover itself by crossing its hands over its balls. Then, all you need to do is put these handcuffs on the bear."
The old lady looked dazed.
"Lemme explain it again," said the man patiently. "I climb the tree, I poke the bear, the bear falls out, the dog tries to bite its balls, the bear crosses its hands... and you slip on the handcuffs. Got it?"
"You have a gun," said the old lady. "Why don't you just shoot the damn thing?"
"Oh no, I can't do that," replied the man. "Giant Pandas are a protected species. I'd get arrested if I shot it."
"Then what's the gun for?" asked the old lady, clearly exasperated.
"Oh, I forgot that part," said the man. "If I fall out first, shoot the dog."
11-18-2007, 09:27 AM #712
An office manager was given the task of hiring an
Individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a
stack of resumes he found four people who were equally
qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only
one question. Their answer would determine which of them
would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around
the conference room table the interviewer asked:
"What is the fastest thing you know of?"
Acknowledging the first man (Kiwi), on his right, the
man replied,"A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head.
There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A
thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.
"And now you sir?" he asked the second man (Aussie).
"Hmm....let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you
don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest
thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye ...
that's a very popular cliche? for speed."
He then turned to the third man (South African) who was
contemplating his reply."Well, out at my dad's FARM, you
step out of the house and on the wall there's a light
switch. When you flip that switch & way out across the
pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an ant.
TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think
of. "The interviewer was very impressed with the third
answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat
the speed of light" He said.
Turning to the fourth and final man (Samoan), the
interviewer posed the same question.
It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man.
"You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran
for the bathroom.
But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT , I
had already shat my pants!"
HE GOT THE JOB................
11-18-2007, 12:51 PM #713
11-18-2007, 04:56 PM #714
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