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Thread: Jokes

  1. #800
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    Quote Originally Posted by ctjcad View Post

    No matter what situation's life throws at you...no matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem...





    Remember, there is a light at the end of the tunnel...

    life is often full of twist and turns, does the light shine the other way?

  2. #801
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    > Here are 12 of the finest double-entendres that were aired on British TV
    > & Radio :-
    >
    >
    > 1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoria from
    > Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
    >
    >
    > 2 . New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
    > Gibson comes inside of him.'
    >
    >
    > 3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely
    > horse. I once rode her mother.'
    >
    >
    > 4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't
    > that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the
    > Oxford crew.'
    >
    >
    > 5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is
    > playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
    > balls and kisses them .... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!'
    >
    >
    > 6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team
    > Live'
    > said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
    >
    >
    > 7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
    > snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's
    > that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to
    > leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so
    > hard!
    >
    >
    > 8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better
    > today after a 69 yesterday.'
    >
    >
    > 9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
    > 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like
    > this.'
    >
    >
    > 10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen
    > Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
    >
    >
    > 11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
    > astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: They
    > seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in
    > his shorts.'
    >
    >
    > 12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
    > Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to
    > use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it himself.

  3. #802
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default A couple of light & silly jokes..

    ..here are a couple jokes which some of you guys might've seen before..if not, enjoy!
    ================================================== ========
    Chelsea Clinton Visits Iraq

    On a recent visit to Iraq, Chelsea Clinton asked a U.S. Army General what his greatest fear was. His reply was:

    "Osama...Obama...and Yo Mama"
    ================================================== ========
    Children's phrases

    A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

    1. Don't change horses l until they stop running.

    2. Strike while the l bug is close.

    3. It's always darkest before l Daylight Saving Time.

    4. Never underestimate the power of l termites.

    5. You can lead a horse to water but l How?

    6. Don't bite the hand that l looks dirty.

    7. No news is l impossible

    8. A miss is as good as a l Mr.

    9. You can't teach an old dog new l Math

    10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll l stink in the morning.

    11. Love all, trust l Me.

    12. The pen is mightier than the l pigs.

    13. An idle mind is l the best way to relax.

    14. Where there's smoke there's l pollution.

    15. Happy the bride who l gets all the presents.

    16. A penny saved is l not much.

    17. Two's company, three's l the Musketeers.

    18. Don't put off till tomorrow what l you put on to go to bed.

    19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and l You have to blow your nose.

    20. There are none so blind as l Stevie Wonder.

    21. Children should be seen and not l spanked or grounded.

    22. If at first you don't succeed l get new batteries.

    23. You get out of something only what you l see in the picture on the box

    24. When the blind lead the blind l get out of the way.

    25. A bird in the hand l is going to poop on you.

    And the WINNER and last one!

    26. Better late than l Pregnant
    Last edited by ctjcad; 01-09-2008 at 04:07 PM.

  4. #803
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    LOL , this is a good one


    1. Don't change horses l until they stop running.

  5. #804
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    Lol, these are weird .
    Attached Images Attached Images    
    Last edited by Ayame; 01-09-2008 at 07:54 PM.

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    TEACHER: How can you prevent deseases caused by biting insects? student: Don't bite any. A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They ... for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looksover at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... (She is speaking in a cheery voice)"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
    Last edited by Ayame; 01-09-2008 at 08:10 PM.

  7. #806
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default New Cereal Box for 2008..

    ..just want to share this, since the U.S. is in the midst of a hotly contested campaign for new U.S. Presidential nominees..
    ================================================== ========
    I've been saying for the last couple of years, lets have a political revolution and vote all the bums out and start fresh. We couldn't do any worse, even if they are all new members of the Senate and House.

    Last edited by ctjcad; 01-10-2008 at 04:49 AM.

  8. #807
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    Default Handphone ringing..

    ..(not sure if you guys've seen this video before or not; could be a fake or done on purpose also)..w/sound..
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E3TqCNuMYbg

  9. #808
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    Lol funny...
    Attached Images Attached Images                  

  10. #809
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    Default Don't step on the ducks!

    some of you might've read this before..if not, enjoy!
    ================================================== ========
    Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
    When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks. It's as simple as that."

    So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man."

    The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together, with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

    The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. But one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, muscular, and thin, with long eyelashes. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

    The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

    The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

  11. #810
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    this ones funny...i changed te second one, the first is original.
    it seemed to fit....

  12. #811
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    what's that u've drawn? Halo guy?

  13. #812
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default Some creative advertisements..

    ..some of these you guys have probably seen before..if not, enjoy!
















  14. #813
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default Ageless wit and observations..

    AGELESS WIT AND OBSERVATIONS
    (some of these you guys probably have seen before)..
    ================================================== =======
    "If you don't read the newspaper, you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed."
    Mark Twain
    ___________________________
    Suppose you were an idiot.




    and suppose you were a member of Congress....




    but then I repeat myself.




    -Mark Twain
    ________________________
    I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity
    is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up
    by the handle.




    -Winston Churchill
    _______________________
    A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend
    on the support of Paul.




    - George Bernard Shaw
    _______________________
    A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man,
    which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.




    -G. Gordon Liddy
    _____________________
    Democracy must be something more than two wolves
    and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.




    -James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
    _____________________________
    Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money
    from poor people in rich countries to rich people in
    poor countries.




    -Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
    _________________________
    Giving money and power to government is like giving
    whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.




    -P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
    ___________________________
    Government is the great fiction, through which
    everybody endeavors to live at the expense of
    everybody else.




    -Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
    ___________________________
    Government's view of the economy could be summed
    up in a few short phrases:



    If it moves, tax it.
    If it keeps moving, regulate it.
    And if it stops moving, subsidize it.




    -Ronald Reagan (1986)
    ____________________________
    I don't make jokes.
    I just watch the government and report the facts.




    -Will Rogers
    _____________________
    If you think health care is expensive now,
    wait until you see what it costs when it's free!




    -P. J. O'Rourke
    ______________
    In general, the art of government consists of taking
    as much money as possible from one party of the
    citizens to give to the other.




    -Voltaire (1764)
    _________________________
    Just because you do not take an interest in politics
    doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!




    -Pericles (430 B.C.)
    ______________
    No man's life, liberty, or property is safe
    while the legislature is in session.




    -Mark Twain (1866 )
    __________________
    Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.




    -Unknown
    _________________
    The government is like a baby's alimentary canal,
    with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility
    at the other.




    -Ronald Reagan
    _____________________
    The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal
    sharing of the blessings.
    The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal
    sharing of misery.




    -Winston Churchill
    _______________
    The only difference between a tax man and
    a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.




    -Mark Twain
    ___________________
    The ultimate result of shielding men from
    the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.




    -Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
    ____________________
    There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress.




    -Mark Twain
    ________________
    What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.




    -Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)
    ______________
    A government big enough to give you everything
    you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.




    -Thomas Jefferson
    Last edited by ctjcad; 01-17-2008 at 11:37 PM.

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    Default Finding A Job

    (i'm sure some of you guys have seen this one before)...

    Joe Smith started the day early having set his
    alarm clock



    (MADE IN JAPAN)
    for 6am.



    While his coffeepot



    (MADE IN CHINA)




    was perking, he shaved with his



    electric razor



    (MADE IN HONG KONG)
    .



    He put on a



    dress shirt



    (MADE IN SRI LANKA)
    ,



    designer jeans



    (MADE IN SINGAPORE)




    and



    tennis shoes



    (MADE IN KOREA)




    After cooking his breakfast in his new



    electric skillet



    (MADE IN CANADA)




    he sat down with his



    calculator



    (MADE IN VIETNAM)




    to see how much he could spend today. After setting his



    watch



    (MADE IN TAIWAN)




    to the radio



    (MADE IN MEXICO)




    he got in his car



    (MADE IN GERMANY)




    filled it with GAS



    (from SAUDI ARABIA)




    and continued his search



    for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.



    At the end



    of yet another discouraging



    and fruitless day



    checking his



    Computer



    (MADE IN MALAYSIA)
    ,



    Joe decided to relax for a while.



    He put on his sandals



    (MADE IN BRAZIL)




    poured himself a glass of



    wine



    (MADE IN FRANCE)




    and turned on his



    TV



    (MADE IN INDONESIA)
    ,



    and then wondered



    why he can't find



    a good paying job



    in AMERICA
    ...
    Last edited by ctjcad; 01-18-2008 at 04:47 AM.

  16. #815
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default Peanuts

    A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
    She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

    After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

    She repeats this gesture about five more times.

    When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".

    "We can't chew them be cause we've no teeth", she replied.

    The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
    The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."


    It pays to be careful around old people !
    Last edited by ctjcad; 01-18-2008 at 05:05 AM.

  17. #816
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    Default

    This laugh is contageous... enjoy!!!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4Y4keqTV6w

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