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Thread: Jokes

  1. #834
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default Paper money as origami..

    (some of you probably have seen these)..
















































  2. #835
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    it's election time in the US
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  3. #836
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default Great Diet for Dudes..

    (i don't recall if this has been posted before..if not enjoy; i think some of you have read it before)..
    A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss
    program.
    The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
    Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as
    a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

    He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me".
    Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
    shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight, on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

    He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
    The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running
    shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass
    is mine." He lost 63 pounds that week.
    Last edited by ctjcad; 02-06-2008 at 10:12 PM.

  4. #837
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    http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080211/...Fhsz0wCTsDW7oF 18 mins ago

    coincidence?

    PS please refrain from commenting further.
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    Last edited by cooler; 02-11-2008 at 12:06 AM.

  5. #838
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    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r86NLwCYXfk
    ******* mario.....
    some guy hacked NES rom, then gave it to his world famous mario player friend, who proceeds to beat it...dying thoasands of times in the process

  6. #839
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default If you build it, they will come..

    (this might be familiar to our Canadian BCers, ahem, cooler knows??)..
    This is the actual turnoff from Banff, Alberta, Canada to the #1 highway to Calgary.

    Great picture isn't it? They had to build the animals (especially the elk) their own crossing because

    That was where the natural crossing was and after the highway was built there were far too many accidents.

    I understand it didn't take the animals long to learn that this was their "road."



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    Obama, Japan, roots for accidental namesake by Shaun Tandon
    Tue Feb 12, 1:56 AM ET


    Barack Obama, who has been credited with tapping support in unlikely places, is enjoying a groundswell of enthusiasm in a small city in western Japan, which is delighted to share his name.

    Obama, Japan, is rooting for candidate Obama, hoping that if he becomes the US president he will put this ancient fishing town of 32,000 people firmly on the tourist map and, just maybe, choose it for an international summit.

    Supporters in Obama -- which means "small shore" in Japanese -- have held parties to watch election results, put up posters wishing the senator luck and plan a special batch of the town's "manju" sweets bearing his likeness.
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    God vs. the Scientist
    I just couldn't resist! Enjoy!

    God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, "Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning'."

    "Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.

    "Well, " says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

    "Well, that's interesting. Show Me."

    So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.

    "Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God,

    ( I love this )

    "Get your own dirt."

  9. #842
    Regular Member wilfredlgf's Avatar
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    Default Things people say in court

    From a little book called "Disorder in the Court"
    They're things people actually said in court, word for word.
    -----

    Q: What is your date of birth
    A: July fifteen
    Q: What year?
    A: Every year.
    -----

    Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    -----

    Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    A: Yes
    Q: And in what ways does it affect the memory?
    A: I forget.
    Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
    -----

    Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    Q: How long as he lived with you?
    A: Forty-five years.
    -----

    Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he work that morning?
    A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    Q: And why did that upset you?
    A: My name is Susan.
    -----

    Q: And where was the locaiton of the accident?
    A: Approximately milepost 499?
    Q: And where is milepost 499?
    A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
    -----

    Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
    A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
    -----

    Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
    A: After the accident.
    Q: Before the accident.
    A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
    -----

    Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
    A: Yes
    Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of the car?
    A: Yes, sir.
    Q: What did she say?
    A: What disco am I at?
    -----

    Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    -----

    Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
    -----

    Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    -----

    Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the collision?
    -----

    Q: Did he kill you?
    -----

    Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
    -----

    Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
    -----

    Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
    -----

    Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th.
    A: Yes.
    Q: And what were you doing at that time?
    -----

    Q: She had three children, right?
    A: Yes.
    Q: How many were boys?
    A: None.
    Q: Were there any girls?
    -----

    Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And these stairs, do they go up also?
    -----

    Q: Mr Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, did you?
    A: I went to Europe, Sir.
    Q: And you took your new wife?
    -----

    Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
    A: By death.
    Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
    -----

    Q: Can you describe the individual?
    A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    Q: Was this a male, or a female?
    -----

    Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition note which I sent to your attorney?
    A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    -----

    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead bodies?
    A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people?
    -----

    Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    A: Oral.
    -----

    Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    A: The autopsy started around 8.30 pm.
    Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
    A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
    -----

    Q: Are you qualified to give an urine sample?
    -----

    Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for breathing?
    A: No.
    Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    A: No.
    Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
    A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
    -----

    Q: You were shot in the fracas?
    A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
    -----

    http://www.scribd.com/doc/13408/What...e-say-in-Court

  10. #843
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    haha !!

  11. #844
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default Oh, yeah..

    Quote Originally Posted by wilfredlgf View Post
    From a little book called "Disorder in the Court"
    They're things people actually said in court, word for word.
    ...
    Quote Originally Posted by cooler View Post
    shouldnt this be in joke thread?
    plus, i believe it was posted by someone else in that joke thread already
    (went thru all the trouble trying to find the joke cooler was referring to)..
    ..not exactly the same as this one above as it's slightly longer, but actually they're similar to a couple of them in the Joke thread...and this one will make it the 3rd...

    http://www.badmintoncentral.com/foru...t=17468&page=8 (#142)
    http://www.badmintoncentral.com/foru...=17468&page=29 (#511)
    Last edited by ctjcad; 02-15-2008 at 04:31 PM.

  12. #845
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    http://www.badmintoncentral.com/foru...=17468&page=52
    wow, u sure have patience and good work ethic ctjcad
    It's good someone is verfiying my claims and posts

  13. #846
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    Cool Choose Your Eternity

    A politician dies in an accident.
    His soul is met by St Peter at heaven's entrance.

    "Welcome to heaven," says St Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a VVIP around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

    "No problem, just let me in," says the politician.

    "Well, I'd like to," says St Peter, "but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

    "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the politician.

    "I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

    And with that, St Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

    Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

    They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

    Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before the politician realizes it, it is time to go.

    Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

    The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St Peter is waiting for him.

    "Now it's time to visit heaven."

    So, 24 hours pass with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good but generally unexciting time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St Peter returns.

    "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

    The politician reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

    So St Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

    Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with rotting waste and stinking garbage.

    He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

    The Devil, an ugly looking fellow with fangs, comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

    "I don't understand," stammers the politician. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

    The Devil looks at him, smiles and says,
    "Yesterday we were campaigning...... and today you voted."

  14. #847
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    Quote Originally Posted by Oldhand View Post
    ....

    The Devil looks at him, smiles and says,
    "Yesterday we were campaigning...... and today you voted."
    Hahaha, very good one.

  15. #848
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    there was another version of this joke right? the punch line was "yesterday was the interview, today you are hired"

  16. #849
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    Quote Originally Posted by azabaz_ipoh View Post
    there was another version of this joke right? the punch line was "yesterday was the interview, today you are hired"
    Now-a-day, the job market is not that good. It's the employers' market. But still the politicians are making all kind of promises but never kept them. I like this version more.

  17. #850
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default Yeah..

    Quote Originally Posted by Qidong View Post
    Now-a-day, the job market is not that good. It's the employers' market. But still the politicians are making all kind of promises but never kept them. I like this version more.
    ..here, all we hear from the candidates are "Change, change and change"..and the people seem to buy & be lulled into what they're saying>>WAKE UP, AMERICA!!<<..
    Last edited by ctjcad; 02-19-2008 at 01:26 AM.

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