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Thread: Jokes

  1. #851
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default Anyone up for golf??..

    ..some golf jokes, which some of you might've read before-if not enjoy..
    *i have a funny feeling Oldhand will like these...
    ================================================== =========
    Hole in One

    As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar order. He took the usual vows of poverty,chastity, but his order also required that he quit golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest.

    One Sunday morning, Pastor Norton woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
    So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.

    As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Pastor Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his church.

    Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

    At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

    God sighed, and said, "No, I guess not".

    Just then Pastor Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It was a 420 yard hole in one!

    St. Peter was astonished. He looked at God and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

    God smiled and replied,"Who is he going to tell?"

    ================================================== =========
    Moses, Jesus & An Old Bearded Man

    Moses, Jesus, and an old, bearded man were out playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side safe and sound.

    Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green.

    The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there it bounces onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolls down into the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, it hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.

    Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."

  2. #852
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default Famous buildings and statues in Lego..

    (okay, these are not jokes)..
    Here are some famous buildings (and statues) built entirely with Lego blocks!
    *Let's see if you guys can name 'em all..


























  3. #853
    Regular Member jug8man's Avatar
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    2) Taj Mahal
    3) Aztec Ruins?
    4) Statue of Liberty
    5) Pyramids
    6) Leaning Tower of Pisa
    7) Sphinx's bro?
    8) Hall of Valhalla?
    9) Great Wall of China
    10) Forbiden City of China
    11) Gondor from Lord of the Rings
    12) Angkor wat
    13) Underwater Atlantis City? or is it the Roman Pantheon ?

  4. #854
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default Do you think..

    Quote Originally Posted by jug8man View Post
    2) Taj Mahal
    3) Aztec Ruins?
    4) Statue of Liberty
    5) Pyramids
    6) Leaning Tower of Pisa
    7) Sphinx's bro?
    8) Hall of Valhalla?
    9) Great Wall of China
    10) Forbiden City of China
    11) Gondor from Lord of the Rings
    12) Angkor wat
    13) Underwater Atlantis City? or is it the Roman Pantheon ?
    ..#1 is our NGP's home??..
    ..As for #11, gotta confirm with our LOTR in house guru, wilfredlgf..

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    based on the pictures behind the structures i believe all of them are real and not from LOTR, hehehehehe plus that ruins should be machu picchu because in the pic of the statue of liberty you can see the real picture behind the structure,

  6. #856
    Regular Member jug8man's Avatar
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    Good catch Turns out they are the Incas... not the Aztec (whom have their own version of pyramids).

  7. #857
    Moderator Oldhand's Avatar
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    Yup, right there
    (But the truth is, I hate golf )

    Quote Originally Posted by ctjcad View Post
    ..some golf jokes, which some of you might've read before-if not enjoy..
    *i have a funny feeling Oldhand will like these...
    ================================================== =========

    Moses, Jesus & An Old Bearded Man

    Moses, Jesus, and an old, bearded man were out playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side safe and sound.

    Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green.

    The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there it bounces onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolls down into the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, it hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.

    Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."
    The other punch line is, "Your dad's such a show-off."

  8. #858
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default Size matters!!

    ..yes, it does!..


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    Quote Originally Posted by ctjcad View Post
    ..yes, it does!..

    that is why subcompact drivers shouldn't criticize big SUV owners

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    hahahahaha, that's a good one. i wonder why he parked in between two big SUVs in the first place. hehehehehehe. premonition?

  11. #861
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default Light jokes for the weekend..

    ..couple of light jokes (you guys probably have seen these; if not, enjoy)
    ================================================== =========
    Weapons of Math Instruction

    A public school teacher was arrested
    today at JFK International Airport as he attempted
    to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a
    protractor, a compass, a slide rule, and a
    multi-function calculator.

    At a morning press conference, Attorney General
    Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a
    member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He
    did not identify the man, who has been charged by
    the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

    "Al-gebra continues to be a problem for us," Gonzales
    said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes,
    and sometimes go off on tangents in search of
    absolute values.

    They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer
    to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have
    determined they belong to a common denominator
    of the ax is of medieval with coordinates in every
    country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used
    to say,' There are 3 sides to every triangle.'"

    When asked to comment on the arrest, President
    Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better
    weapons of math instruction, He would have given
    us more fingers and toes!"
    ================================================== =========
    The Pope & Hillary Clinton

    The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton are
    on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

    'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen
    it all before, so to make it a little more interesting,
    the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know that
    with just one little wave of my hand I can make
    every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"

    He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the
    wave elicits rapture and cheering from every
    democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

    The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level
    of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was
    impressive. But did you know that with just one little
    wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the
    crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary
    display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into
    their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day
    and rejoice."

    The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One
    little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice
    forever? Show me."

    So the Pope slapped her.

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    Default Name That Animal

    Eddie's first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"
    "A cat!" said Suzy.
    "Good job! Now, what's this animal?"
    "A dog!" said Ricky.
    "Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
    The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad." "A horny bastard!" called out Eddie.

  13. #863
    Regular Member robin7's Avatar
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    I think many Malaysians might have read it from sms.

    ================================================== =====

    Never marry HOTLINK girl, she will express herself!

    Never marry TMNET girl, she will have a connection all over Malaysia!

    Never marry CELCOM girl, she will never miss on opportunity!

    Marry a DIGI girl, she will follow where ever you go!

    ================================================== =====

  14. #864
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default Some light, silly & cute humors..

    ..some of you have probably seen there; if not, enjoy!
    ================================================== ========
    "Chu & Stu"

    I was expecting my Asian friend Chu to arrive
    at the airport and want to be picked up at the
    same time that I had a pressing commitment
    elsewhere.

    I simply couldn't be in two places at once, but
    I couldn't get out of my previous commitment.
    What to do?

    Then I remembered that my friend Stuart had
    offered several times to help me if he ever
    could in any way. Maybe he could solve my
    problem. So I called him up, explained my
    dilemma to him, and asked him,

    "Please, Stu, meet Chu."


    ================================================== =
    A drunkard was brought to court.
    Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.
    The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
    The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda."


    ================================================== ============
    Man Quits Smoking Because Of Will Power.
    He Quits Drinking Because Of Will Power.
    But He Quits Womanizing Because He Has The Will But No Power
    .


    ================================================== ============
    Little Susie came running into the house after school one day,shouting,
    "Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"
    "That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy.
    "Come in to the living room and tell me about it."
    "Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math's and 20 in science."


    ================================================== ===========
    Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
    Waiter : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.

    ================================================== ===========
    Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
    Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much.

    ================================================== ===========
    Waiter : I have stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
    Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.

    ================================================== ===========
    Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
    Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
    ================================================== ===========
    Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
    Waiter : I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.

    ================================================== ===========
    Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
    Waiter : Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?

    ================================================== ===========
    1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!

    2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.

    1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions .

    ================================================== ===========
    An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
    'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'

    'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
    'How long has what been going on?' said the man.

    ================================================== ===========
    Girl : Do you love me?
    Boy : Yes Dear.
    Girl : Would you die for me?
    Boy : No, mine is undying love.

    ================================================== ===========
    Wife : Do you want dinner?
    Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
    Wife : Yes and no.







    Last edited by ctjcad; 02-28-2008 at 04:22 PM.

  15. #865
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default A+

    ..some of you have probably read this; if not, enjoy!
    ================================================== ==
    Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix:

    The professor told his class one day: "Today
    we will experiment with a new form called
    the tandem story. The process is simple. Each
    person will pair off with the person sitting
    to his or her immediate right. As homework
    tonight, one of you will write the first
    paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail
    your partner that paragraph and send another
    copy to me. The partner will read the first
    paragraph and then add another paragraph to
    the story and send it back, also sending
    another copy to me. The first person will
    then add a third paragraph, and so on
    back-and-forth.
    Remember to re-read what has been written
    each time in order to keep the story
    coherent. There is to be absolutely NO
    talking outside of the e-mails and anything
    you wish to say must be written in the
    e-mail. The story is over when both agree a
    conclusion has been reached."

    The following was actually turned in by two
    of his English students:

    Rebecca and Gary.

    THE STORY:

    (first paragraph by Rebecca)

    At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind
    of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used
    to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home,
    now reminded her too much of Carl, who once
    said, in happier times, that he liked
    chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all
    costs, keep her mind off Carl. His
    possessiveness was suffocating, and if she
    thought about him too much her asthma started acting
    up again. So chamomile was out of the
    question.

    (second paragraph by Gary)

    Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris,
    leader of the attack squadron now in orbit
    over Skylon 4, had more important things to
    think about than the neuroses of an
    air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with
    whom he had spent one sweaty night over a
    year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he
    said into his transgalactic communicator.
    "Polar orbit established. No sign of
    resistance so far..." But before he could
    sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out
    of nowhere and blasted a hole through his
    ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct
    hit sent him flying out of his seat and
    across the cockpit.

    (Rebecca)

    He bumped his head and died almost
    immediately, but not before he felt one last
    pang of regret for psychically brutalizing
    the one woman who had ever had feelings for
    him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
    pointless hostilities towards the peaceful
    farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law
    Permanently Abolishing War and Space
    Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one
    morning. The news simultaneously excited her
    and bored her. She stared out the window,
    dreaming of her youth, when the days had
    passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no
    newspaper to read, no television to distract
    her from her sense of innocent wonder at all
    the beautiful things around her. "Why must
    one lose one's innocence to become a woman?"
    she pondered wistfully.

    (Gary)

    Little did she know, but she had less than 10
    seconds to live. Thousands of miles above
    the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched
    the first of its lithium fusion missiles.
    The dim-witted, wimpy
    peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace
    disarmament Treaty through the Congress had
    left Earth a defenseless target for the
    hostile alien empires who were determined to
    destroy the human race. Within two hours
    after the passage of the treaty, the
    Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth,
    carrying enough firepower to pulverize the
    entire planet. With no one to stop them,
    they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan.
    The lithium fusion missile entered the
    atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his
    top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on
    the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt
    the inconceivably massive explosion, which
    vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

    (Rebecca)

    This is absurd. I refuse to continue this
    mockery of literature. My writing partner is
    a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate
    adolescent.

    (Gary)

    Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a
    self-centered tedious neurotic whose
    attempts at writing are the literary
    equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have
    chamomile tea? Oh no, what am I to
    do? I'm such an air-headed bimbo who reads
    too many Danielle Steele novels!"

    (Rebecca)

    *blip*

    (Gary)

    *blip*

    (Rebecca)

    *blip*

    (Gary)

    Go drink some tea - *blip*

    (TEACHER)

    A+ - I really liked this one.
    Last edited by ctjcad; 02-28-2008 at 04:27 PM.

  16. #866
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default Before and after marriage..

    ..ok, some of you probably have read this; if not, enjoy!
    *Oldhand or mods, would you mind deleting my post #865 above; it's a repeat of the one below it/above this one-thanks!
    ================================================== ==
    Before marriage....

    He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

    She: Do you want me to leave?

    He: No! Don't even think about it.

    She: Do you love me?

    He: Of course! Over and over!

    She: Have you ever cheated on me?

    He: No! Why are you even asking?

    She: Will you kiss me?

    He: Every chance I get.

    She: Will you hit me?

    He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!

    She: Can I trust you?

    He: Yes.

    She: Darling!


    After marriage....

    Simply read from bottom to top.

  17. #867
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    Haha. Creative one !

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