Results 851 to 867 of 1705
02-21-2008, 01:30 AM #851
Anyone up for golf??..
..some golf jokes, which some of you might've read before-if not enjoy..
*i have a funny feeling Oldhand will like these...
Hole in One
As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar order. He took the usual vows of poverty,chastity, but his order also required that he quit golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest.
One Sunday morning, Pastor Norton woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Pastor Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his church.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
God sighed, and said, "No, I guess not".
Just then Pastor Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It was a 420 yard hole in one!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at God and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
God smiled and replied,"Who is he going to tell?"
Moses, Jesus & An Old Bearded Man
Moses, Jesus, and an old, bearded man were out playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green.
The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there it bounces onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolls down into the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, it hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.
Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."
02-21-2008, 07:22 PM #852
Famous buildings and statues in Lego..
(okay, these are not jokes)..
Here are some famous buildings (and statues) built entirely with Lego blocks!
*Let's see if you guys can name 'em all..
02-21-2008, 07:40 PM #853
2) Taj Mahal
3) Aztec Ruins?
4) Statue of Liberty
6) Leaning Tower of Pisa
7) Sphinx's bro?
8) Hall of Valhalla?
9) Great Wall of China
10) Forbiden City of China
11) Gondor from Lord of the Rings
12) Angkor wat
13) Underwater Atlantis City? or is it the Roman Pantheon ?
02-21-2008, 07:47 PM #854
02-21-2008, 08:38 PM #855
based on the pictures behind the structures i believe all of them are real and not from LOTR, hehehehehe plus that ruins should be machu picchu because in the pic of the statue of liberty you can see the real picture behind the structure,
02-21-2008, 08:56 PM #856
Good catch Turns out they are the Incas... not the Aztec (whom have their own version of pyramids).
02-21-2008, 10:42 PM #857
02-22-2008, 05:00 PM #858
..yes, it does!..
02-22-2008, 05:27 PM #859
02-22-2008, 08:32 PM #860
hahahahaha, that's a good one. i wonder why he parked in between two big SUVs in the first place. hehehehehehe. premonition?
02-24-2008, 09:29 AM #861
Light jokes for the weekend..
..couple of light jokes (you guys probably have seen these; if not, enjoy)
Weapons of Math Instruction
A public school teacher was arrested
today at JFK International Airport as he attempted
to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a
protractor, a compass, a slide rule, and a
At a morning press conference, Attorney General
Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a
member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He
did not identify the man, who has been charged by
the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra continues to be a problem for us," Gonzales
said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes,
and sometimes go off on tangents in search of
They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer
to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have
determined they belong to a common denominator
of the ax is of medieval with coordinates in every
country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used
to say,' There are 3 sides to every triangle.'"
When asked to comment on the arrest, President
Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better
weapons of math instruction, He would have given
us more fingers and toes!"
The Pope & Hillary Clinton
The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton are
on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.
'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen
it all before, so to make it a little more interesting,
the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know that
with just one little wave of my hand I can make
every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the
wave elicits rapture and cheering from every
democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level
of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was
impressive. But did you know that with just one little
wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the
crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary
display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into
their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day
The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One
little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice
forever? Show me."
So the Pope slapped her.
02-25-2008, 12:34 AM #862
Name That Animal
Eddie's first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"
"A cat!" said Suzy.
"Good job! Now, what's this animal?"
"A dog!" said Ricky.
"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad." "A horny bastard!" called out Eddie.
02-25-2008, 12:10 PM #863
I think many Malaysians might have read it from sms.
Never marry HOTLINK girl, she will express herself!
Never marry TMNET girl, she will have a connection all over Malaysia!
Never marry CELCOM girl, she will never miss on opportunity!
Marry a DIGI girl, she will follow where ever you go!
02-28-2008, 05:16 PM #864
Some light, silly & cute humors..
..some of you have probably seen there; if not, enjoy!
"Chu & Stu"
I was expecting my Asian friend Chu to arrive
at the airport and want to be picked up at the
same time that I had a pressing commitment
I simply couldn't be in two places at once, but
I couldn't get out of my previous commitment.
What to do?
Then I remembered that my friend Stuart had
offered several times to help me if he ever
could in any way. Maybe he could solve my
problem. So I called him up, explained my
dilemma to him, and asked him,
"Please, Stu, meet Chu."
A drunkard was brought to court.
Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda."
Man Quits Smoking Because Of Will Power.
He Quits Drinking Because Of Will Power.
But He Quits Womanizing Because He Has The Will But No Power.
Little Susie came running into the house after school one day,shouting,
"Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"
"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy.
"Come in to the living room and tell me about it."
"Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math's and 20 in science."
Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.
Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much.
Waiter : I have stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.
Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter : I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.
Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter : Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?
1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions .
An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
'How long has what been going on?' said the man.
Girl : Do you love me?
Boy : Yes Dear.
Girl : Would you die for me?
Boy : No, mine is undying love.
Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.
Last edited by ctjcad; 02-28-2008 at 05:22 PM.
02-28-2008, 05:25 PM #865
..some of you have probably read this; if not, enjoy!
Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix:
The professor told his class one day: "Today
we will experiment with a new form called
the tandem story. The process is simple. Each
person will pair off with the person sitting
to his or her immediate right. As homework
tonight, one of you will write the first
paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail
your partner that paragraph and send another
copy to me. The partner will read the first
paragraph and then add another paragraph to
the story and send it back, also sending
another copy to me. The first person will
then add a third paragraph, and so on
Remember to re-read what has been written
each time in order to keep the story
coherent. There is to be absolutely NO
talking outside of the e-mails and anything
you wish to say must be written in the
e-mail. The story is over when both agree a
conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two
of his English students:
Rebecca and Gary.
(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind
of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used
to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home,
now reminded her too much of Carl, who once
said, in happier times, that he liked
chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all
costs, keep her mind off Carl. His
possessiveness was suffocating, and if she
thought about him too much her asthma started acting
up again. So chamomile was out of the
(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris,
leader of the attack squadron now in orbit
over Skylon 4, had more important things to
think about than the neuroses of an
air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with
whom he had spent one sweaty night over a
year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he
said into his transgalactic communicator.
"Polar orbit established. No sign of
resistance so far..." But before he could
sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out
of nowhere and blasted a hole through his
ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct
hit sent him flying out of his seat and
across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost
immediately, but not before he felt one last
pang of regret for psychically brutalizing
the one woman who had ever had feelings for
him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
pointless hostilities towards the peaceful
farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law
Permanently Abolishing War and Space
Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one
morning. The news simultaneously excited her
and bored her. She stared out the window,
dreaming of her youth, when the days had
passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no
newspaper to read, no television to distract
her from her sense of innocent wonder at all
the beautiful things around her. "Why must
one lose one's innocence to become a woman?"
she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she had less than 10
seconds to live. Thousands of miles above
the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched
the first of its lithium fusion missiles.
The dim-witted, wimpy
peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace
disarmament Treaty through the Congress had
left Earth a defenseless target for the
hostile alien empires who were determined to
destroy the human race. Within two hours
after the passage of the treaty, the
Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth,
carrying enough firepower to pulverize the
entire planet. With no one to stop them,
they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan.
The lithium fusion missile entered the
atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his
top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on
the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt
the inconceivably massive explosion, which
vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this
mockery of literature. My writing partner is
a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a
self-centered tedious neurotic whose
attempts at writing are the literary
equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have
chamomile tea? Oh no, what am I to
do? I'm such an air-headed bimbo who reads
too many Danielle Steele novels!"
Go drink some tea - *blip*
A+ - I really liked this one.
Last edited by ctjcad; 02-28-2008 at 05:27 PM.
02-29-2008, 03:55 AM #866
Before and after marriage..
..ok, some of you probably have read this; if not, enjoy!
*Oldhand or mods, would you mind deleting my post #865 above; it's a repeat of the one below it/above this one-thanks!
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
Simply read from bottom to top.
02-29-2008, 04:55 AM #867
Haha. Creative one !
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