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Thread: Jokes

  1. #868
    Moderator Oldhand's Avatar
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    Great one, chris
    But I hope that one didn't spring from experience

  2. #869
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default Light humors..

    ..okay, some of you probably have read these...if not, enjoy!
    ================================================== ===
    Sum it up with common sense..

    Father/Daughter talk
    -

    A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.

    She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had, for years, harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

    One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father.

    He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

    Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and she let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load. She was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

    Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?"

    She replied, Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over.

    Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

    The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"

    The father slowly smiled, winked, and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican party."


    If anyone has a better explanation of the difference between Republican and Democrat, I'm all ears.

    ================================================== ======
    DUCK FEED

    A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed? "The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it so we don't carry it." The duck says, "Okay," and leaves. The next day, the duck walks in to the feed store and asks,"Got any duck feed?" Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves. Next day, the duck walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?" The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor." The duck leaves. The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?""No." "Got any duck feed?"


    ================================================== ======
    Two Prawns (Oldhand might like this one)..

    Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming
    around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
    The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that
    patrolled the area.
    Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at
    being a prawn. I wish I was a shark then I wouldn't have any worries about
    being eaten."
    As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod
    appears and says, "Your wish is granted," and lo and behold, Justin turned
    into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being
    eaten by his old mate.
    Time went on (as it inevitably does.....) and Justin found himself
    becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away
    whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new
    menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
    While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and
    can't believe his luck. Justin thought that maybe the fish could change
    him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and
    behold, he is back as a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes,
    Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

    Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal.
    "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best
    friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.
    Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he
    Set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories
    came flooding back.
    He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend. Come
    out and see me again."
    "Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked."
    Justin cried back, "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed. I found Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian"


    ================================================== ===
    BIG!

    There was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.When he arrived on the plane,
    he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him
    answered, "Everything is big in Texas."When he finally arrived in Texas, he
    decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a
    mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The
    bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."After a couple of beers, the
    blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender
    replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but
    accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the
    third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
    Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
    Last edited by ctjcad; 03-04-2008 at 03:49 PM.

  3. #870
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default Four Great Short Stories!..

    ..(might sound like jokes) but these are some patriotic stories & if some of you haven't read it, enjoy; if you have, good stories to be reminded..
    ================================================== =======
    Four Great Short Stories!

    When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked
    by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of 'empire building' by George Bush. He answered by saying,

    'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young
    men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders.
    The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to
    bury those who did not return.'

    It became very quiet in the room.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Then there was a conference in France where a number of
    international engineers were taking part,
    including French and American. During a break one of the French
    engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard
    the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft
    carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he
    intended to do, bomb them?'

    A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers
    have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people;
    they are nuclear powered
    and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities: they
    have three cafeterias with the
    capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day; they can produce several
    thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day; and
    they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims
    and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships;
    how many does France have?'

    Once again, dead silence.

    ~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    A US Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that
    included Admirals from the US , English, Canadian, Australian and
    French Navies.

    At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group
    of Officers that included personnel
    from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as
    they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly
    complained that, 'whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans
    learn only English.'

    He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in
    these conferences rather than speaking French?'**
    Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied. ''Maybe it's
    because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you
    wouldn't have to speak German.'

    You could have heard a pin drop.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE.

    A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on
    a tour. Robert Whiting,
    an elderly gentleman of 83, was one of the group who had arrived in
    Paris by plane.
    At French Customs he took a few minutes to locate his passport in
    his carry on

    'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer
    asked sarcastically.
    Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
    'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.'
    The American said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.'
    'Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on
    arrival in France !'
    The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he
    quietly explained. 'Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in
    '44 to liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to'
    Last edited by ctjcad; 03-04-2008 at 04:03 PM.

  4. #871
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    This Is A Ceiling Mural In A Smoker's Lounge
    Attached Images Attached Images  

  5. #872
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default Mike And Nancy..

    some of you probably have read this; if not, enjoy..
    ================================================== =
    Mike and Nancy were married for 40 years and decided
    they wanted to renew their vows and planned a second wedding.

    They were discussing the details with their friends.
    Nancy wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal gown and she
    started describing the dress she was planning to wear.

    One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to
    go with the dress. She replied, "Silver."

    At that point, her husband chimed in, "Yep,
    silver...to match her hair."

    Shooting a glaring look at Mike's bald spot, Nancy's
    friend said, "So, Mike, I guess you are going barefoot."

  6. #873
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    Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
    Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
    He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
    Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'
    Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
    He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
    Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
    Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'
    They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
    The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
    They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
    At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!' Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub

  7. #874
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default Why we have so many blackouts..

    THIS IS WHY



  8. #875
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    ahahhahaha, good one chris. where in the world did you find that?

  9. #876
    Regular Member george@chongwei's Avatar
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    sorry, i `ve problem uploading some images to here...

  10. #877
    Moderator Oldhand's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by george@chongwei View Post
    sorry, i `ve problem uploading some images to here...
    george, is this meant to be a joke?

  11. #878
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    Spongebob Spotted


  12. #879
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    sorry for double post..having problems editing the previous one..

    neways..


  13. #880
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default Win 2 Tickets All Expenses Paid Including Air Fares To The 2008 Beijing Olympic Games

    ..just for fun guys; if you haven't seen this, enjoy!
    ==================================================
    WIN 2 TICKETS ALL EXPENSES PAID INCLUDING AIR FARES TO THE 2008 OLYMPIC GAMES IN BEIJING, CHINA

    To participate is very easy, just view the attached photo, correctly answer the following questions and send your answers to:

    International Olympic Committee, Private Bag, Lausanne , Switzerland .


    1. Which student seems to appear tired / sleepy?
    2. Which ones are male twins?
    3. Which ones are the female twins?
    4. How many women are in the group?
    5. Which one is the teacher?

    Good Luck!











    I GUESS YOU ARE NOT GOING EITHER HAHAHAHA!!
    Last edited by ctjcad; 03-13-2008 at 04:56 PM.

  14. #881
    Regular Member george@chongwei's Avatar
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    wow!!!
    what happen to their eyes!!?
    is this some photo editing thing that had done by someone?

  15. #882
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    yep, all the faces are of the same person. digitally engineered on the faces of a group of people. hahahahah

  16. #883
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default Really Geeky Baby Names..

    ..okay, some of you might've seen these; if not, enjoy..
    ================================================== =======
    1. Strider - It could have been worse, he could’ve been named Pippin.
    2. Arwen - Again, it could have been Eowyn. Plus, it’s quite a pretty name.
    3. Lestat - “I can’t understand why junior keeps wearing all that white makeup…”
    4. Neo - You might as well name the kid “Jesus”.
    5. Keanu - See above.
    6. Nikita - Apparently from the Elton John song, not from La Femme Nikita, but we can hope.
    7. Nero - “Son, you’re named for a Roman Emperor. No pressure.”
    8. Maximus - See above.
    9. Cosmo Ranger - I got nothing.
    10. Cleopatra Evita - Presumably she’s the daughter of drag queens.
    11. Corran - Apparently a character in the Star Wars books.
    12. Mara Jade - Another similarly non-movie Star Wars character.
    13. Anakin - Bound to be a mouth breather.
    14. Luke - Climbed the charts from 228th in the seventies to 42nd today.
    15. Ada - Destined to work in a cubicle among smelly coding boys.
    16. Wesley - Fairly common, but geeky when inspired by Star Trek.
    17. Jadzia - Apparently in 1998, there were 27 baby girls named after Deep Space Nine’s Dax.
    18. Ryker - In that same year, 80 baby boys were making Number One in their diapers.
    19. B’elanna - Well, at least the apostrophe will simplify things.
    20. Kirk - Apparently Kirk Cameron was named after the Shatnerian one.
    21. Moon Unit - Thank you, Papa Zappa.
    22. Amadeus - Retro geeky.
    23. Mars - I know, it’s also a Greek god. But it gets dodgy when his sister is named Venus. And what if you named a kid Pluto and he got downgraded to a mere dwarf planet?
    24. Ripley - Likes her machine gun with a flamethrower chaser.
    25. Dade - This one’s pretty obscure (but apparently legit). I mean, how many people saw Hackers?
    26. Damien - You know, like the Prince of Darkness? Rose in popularity thanks to The Omen.
    27. Version 2.0 - Obvious, and apparently true.
    Last edited by ctjcad; 03-17-2008 at 12:36 PM.

  17. #884
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default Bad Baby Names..

    ..some of you probably have seen these (they're real); if not, enjoy..
    ================================================== =======
    THE RUNNERS-UP:

    Ariyona Pebbles Ziamagine
    Can you growing up with the name of a breakfast cereal? I can just imagine her siblings: Aryanna Chex Zoe and Aryun Cocoapuffs Zach.

    Makai'la
    Just when I think the BABY MAC ATTACK names can't get any worse...they start up with the APOSTROPHE ABUSE! Too much, too much....

    Heiry
    I'm not so wild about Heiry.

    Viva
    Please tell me her middle name isn't "Las Vegas"....

    Knelee Renee
    Yes, folks, it IS possible to overdose on the letter "E."

    Gorgie
    Why not call him "little piggy" and be done with it?

    Jaznellie
    Ah, a REDNECK HALL OF SHAME name! For those cre8ive hillbillies out there.

    Morticia
    Ah, the ultimate BABY GOTH name!

    Pinnacle
    This could very well be the Pinnacle of bad baby names.

    Shakerriuna
    Wow! What a MOUTHFUL!

    Ta'Quwereus
    I don't even know where to begin...

    Rubyjane
    Yet another REDNECK HALL OF SHAME name! Can we be so lucky? Why, yes! We are!

    Zy'Erica
    And now the CR8IVE SPELLINGS want to merge with APOSTROPHE ABUSE. Have mercy!

    Myrakle Ny'aunni
    This is truly, truly horrid.

    A'jA
    Can anyone tell me what the point is behind capitalizing that last "A"? Anybody?

    Hunter Grey Wolf
    But what if he only wants to hunt brown elk?

    Chanze'es
    Chanze'es are, this is a bad baby name, Chanze'es are it will make the year-end poll...

    SECOND RUNNER-UP:

    Demokrat
    Aye yi yi.

    FIRST RUNNER-UP:

    Iron David Carter
    He coulda been a contendah...

    AND THE WINNER OF BAD BABY NAMES 34 IS....

    NINJA MADDOX
    This poor kid's gonna go through h@ll when he's a teenager. "Teenage Mutant Ninja Maddox! Teenage Mutant Ninja Maddox!"

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