Jokes

[cooler]

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then
there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual
account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park .

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .
Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.'

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff?You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill.My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally,the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted,
and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge number #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

[ctjcad]

..after reading the above story, i was surprised Judge #3 didn't fall into cardiac arrest by the 3rd or 4th chili event...

Anyway, for those of you living in Europe, or have been in Europe (or planning to visit there one of these days), here is a video (from UK) on why it's not a good idea to drive into bus lanes in Europe...(some of you have probably seen this video; if not, enjoy the laugh!)

http://youtube.com/watch?v=AKVBK-0veE8

[ctjcad]

...for all you football maniacs in BC, here are some football-soccer strategies..some of you have probably seen these; if not, enjoy!

for an animated version, you guys can download from here:
http://www.mediafire.com/?ldmzmgeml2s













and last but not least.....

[Lobeh]

A man is in a restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. 'Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They have a night of amazing ***.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . . ..






































'You just happened to catch my eye.'

[george@chongwei]

[george@chongwei]

[kingmarioxv]

JAMAICAN JOKES
>Nuh Ramp Wid Yardie

> >Breakfast Conversation - Jamaican And A Trini (Trinidadian)

>

>A Jamaican is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissant, bread, butter and jam when a Trini man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Jamaican ignores the Trini who, nevertheless, starts a conversation:

>

>Trini: "You Jamaican folk eat the whole bread??"

>Jamaican: (in a bad mood): "Of course."

>Trini: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In Trinidad, we only eat

>what's inside. The crusts, we collect in a container, recycle it, transform

>them into croissants and sell them to the Jamaicans."

>The Trini has a smirk on his face. The Jamaican listens in silence.

>The Trini persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

>The Jamaican: "Of course."

>Trini: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In

>Trinidad we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds,

>and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell

>the jam to the Jamaicans."

>The Jamaican then asks: "Do you have *** in Trinidad?"

>Trini: "Why of course we do", the Trini says with a big smirk.

>Jamaican: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

>Trini: "We throw them away, of course."

>Jamaican: "We don't. In Jamaica, we put them in a container, recycle them,

>melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Trinidad."

>

>Only A. Jamaican....

>

>There were three men from the Caribbean living together in London; a

>Trinidadian, a Barbadian and a Jamaican who were all starving because they

>didn't have money to buy food. However, upon coming close to a posh

>restaurant they came up with a plan.

>The Trinidadian went in first. After being seated he ordered a three course

>meal with white wine. When he had finished the meal the waiter came by with

>the check.

>"But I paid you!" the Trinidadian shouted.

>The waiter was very confused as he could not remember being paid, but as he

>did not want to cause any trouble...he let the Trini leave.

>Five minutes later the Barbadian walked into the restaurant and ordered a

>five course meal with red wine. When he was finished eating, the waiter came

>by to collect the money for food.

>"But I paid you!" The Barbadian shouted.

>This time the manager came and had to calm down the Bajan, and as he did not

>want anything to upset the other customers he let the Bajan go.

>Ten minutes later the Jamaican walked in, sat down, lit a cigarette, and

>ordered the most expensive meal on the menu plus two Red Stripe beers. After

>he had finished, the waiter came to collect the money for the meal and

>before asking for it, the waiter said, "Sir... I have been having a sort of

>problem all day and I can't understand it. Other people like you came in

>earlier and ate and they said that they paid me but I don't remember getting

>any money from them, so........

>Before he could finish, the Jamaican chimed in loudly "Hear mi nuh boss,

>that ah fi yu problem...jus gimme mi change!"

>

>Wanna Take It With Me

>

>There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his

>money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more

>than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now

>listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket

>with me, because I wanna take my money to the afterlife with me."

>And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he

>died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

>Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was

>sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they

>finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the

>casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

>She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

>Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

>So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that

>money in there with that man. "

>She said, "girl, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that

>money in that casket with him, and I'm a woman of my word."

>"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with that man?"

>" I sure did," said the wife. "'I wrote him a check."

>

>Women Being More Assertive With Their Husbands

>At the 1997 World Women's conference the first speaker from England stood

>up:

>"At last years' conference we spoke about being more assertive with our

>husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband that I

>would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After

>the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing but after

>the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." The crowd

>cheered.

>The second speaker from America stood up: "After last year's conference I

>went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that

>he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the

>second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not

>only his own washing but my washing as well." The crowd cheered.

>The third speaker from Jamaica stood up: "Hafter last year's conference me

>went 'ome and tell me 'usband that mi would no longer do him cooking,

>cleaning or shoppin, and dat he would haffi do it imself. Hafter the first

>day me see nothin. Hafter the second day, me see nothin either. But hafter

>the third day, as the swelling went down, me could see a likkle bit outta me

>left eye.

>

>900 Jobs Inna Jeopardy

>

>A man from "deep country" went to the Montego Bay Airport, very hysterical,

>carrying his luggage, passport, and other necessary items for travel. He

>anxiously asked the agent at the ticket counter, (with thick Jamaican

>accent)" Do, sell me a ticket to Jeopardy, ma'am." The agent looked

>confused. "Jeopardy, Sir? Where is that?"

>The man got even more anxious & agitated. "Mi nuh ha' time fi fool. Jus'

>sell mi a ticket to Jeopardy."

>The agent looked through her map and other materials. "Sir, there is no such

>place! Are you sure that's where you need to travel?"

>The man lost his temper and slammed his fist on the counter.

>"Look, 'ooman. Mi seh mi nuh have time fi fool. Mi hear pon mi radio dis

>mawning seh 900 jobs inna Jeopardy so ah de suh mi wan' fi go NOW!"

>

>The Pastor and The Choir director

>

>Church feuds are not uncommon. But when the pastor and choir director get

>into it, stand aside.

>One week our pastor decided to press his position by preaching on

>commitment, and how we should dedicate ourselves to service. That Sunday,

>the choir director led the choir in singing, 'I Shall Not Be Moved.'

>The next Sunday, the pastor preached on giving and how we should gladly give

>to the work of the Lord. The choir director then led the song, 'Jesus Paid

>It All.'

>The next Sunday, the pastor preached on gossiping and how we should watch

>our tongues. The hymn was 'I Love To Tell The Story.'

>The pastor became disgusted over the situation, and the next Sunday he told

>the congregation he was considering resigning. The choir then sang 'Oh, Why

>Not Tonight.'

>After the pastor resigned the next week, he preached his last sermon at the

>church telling the congregation that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was

>taking him away. The choir then sang, 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus.

>

>HOPE YOU ENJOYED THESE AND COULD UNDERSTAND THE WORDS.

[ctjcad]

..some of you have probably seen this; if not, enjoy!

[ctjcad]

...(some of you have probably seen this; if not, enjoy!)..taken from Goodness Gracious Me comedy, an Indian sitcom, titled "Cheque, please!"...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Msk6c...eature=related

[ctjcad]

..(i'm sure some of you have seen these; if not, enjoy!)
Bad architect? Bad design layout? Or just having a bad day?...

[extremenanopowe]

Good one.

Dear Ah Lian
Thanks you for your letter. Wrong time no see you. How everything? For
me, I am quiet find.
You say in your letter your taukeh soh want you to chain your look?
Somemore you must wear kick kok soo, hope you can wok properly. You
know, Ah Kau Kia working in a soft where company now.
Last week, he take I, Muthu & few of his friend to May Nonut to eat
barger. After that he take
we all go to kalah ok. Muthu sing and sing no stop until the sky
bright.
Next week, my father mother going to sellerbread 20 years annie wear
sari. My father mother going to give a fist to all the kampong people.
So you must come with your hole family. I only hope one day we no need
to write and send letter to you and to me.

Better I e-meow you, you e-meow me. I will ketchup with you soon. And
when you got time, please few free to call me. Goo bye.....
Worm regard,
Ah Beng

[extremenanopowe]

Another good one.

Marriage - Part I
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?'
His new bride said, 'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be *** here at seven o'clock every night ......... whether you're here or not.'
(DAMM SHE'S GOOD!)
************************************
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever ' 'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last'
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
******************************
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no good in bed either,' and storms out of the house. After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'what took you so long to answer the phone?' She says, 'I was in bed.' 'In bed this early, doing what?' 'Getting a second opinion!'
(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)
******************************************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, 'Mother of Six' in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?' His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, 'Anytime you're ready, Father of Four.'
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
**************************************
Marriage (Part V)
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT

[SendspaceMax]

A SALES rep, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone.

In astonishment, “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.

“OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of story: always let your boss have the first say.

[ctjcad]

..(some of you have probably read this; if not, enjoy)

There was a man named Julio and Julio knew EVERYONE in the whole world!!! Once when Julio got a new job, Julio says to his new boss, "Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!".
His boss doesn't believe him, so he says "No you do not know everyone in the whole world". But Julio says "Yes I do!". So Julio's boss says "Well prove it!" then Julio says "Pick someone... and I know them!"

Well Julio's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name.
"Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!". Julio says "Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!" but Julio's boss says "No you weren't!" then Sulio says "Yes we were!". So they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Julio knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Julio goes "Tom!!!" and Tom goes "Julio!". And they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Julio's boss can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that could happen, it's just one person," so he tells Julio and Julio says "OK, pick somebody else!"

This time Julio's boss has someone in mind! "The president, Bill Clinton! You don't know Bill Clinton!" but Julio says "Oh yes I do! Bill and I were on the debate team together in college!". Julio's boss says "No you weren't!" and Julio says "Yes we were!". So they fly to Washington and they catch up with the President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until Julio gets close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves "Bill!" and the President waves back "Julio!". And after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Julio's boss is stunned-- he can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that's just two people in one country-- that doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!" so he tells Julio and Julio says "OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!"

And Julio's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope! You do not know the Pope!" and Julio says "The Pope! The Pope BAPTIZED me!". And Julio's boss says "No he didn't!" and Julio says "Yes he did!". So they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work their way through the crowd-- without much luck-- so Julio says "Boss, we're never gonna get there together through all these people so I tell you what--I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!" and he leaves. Well, Julio's boss waits and waits and waits and just when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside him is Julio!

Shortly afterwards, Julio's boss passes out. Julio comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says "Boss! Boss! Wake up!". And when his boss comes to him, Julio asks "Boss what happened?". Julio's boss looks at Julio and says "OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton... Hell, I can even take the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me, when you stood there next to the Pope, asks 'Who's that short fellow up there with Julio?' that's a little more than I can take!

[ctjcad]

...(some of you have probably seen this video; if not, watch it as a light humor)...
notice one person eats from the bottom up, whilst the other from the top......and notice the gentleman's facial expression..

http://youtube.com/watch?v=0_i98eMk7NA

[demolidor]

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then
there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual
account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .

Kinda reminds me of this show they only started running on comedy central dutch version this year "Insomniac" with Dave Attell. In one ep he was eating some spicy chicken, now if you picture him and read the story it's even funnier ( found it: http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/...hville-chicken)

[ctjcad]

..(this one, i think many of you guys have read it; if not, just want to share it, again, to the many couples in BC & as we are also getting old)..
================================================== ====
An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one
evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to
his wife with endearing terms such as:
Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and clearly, they were still
very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his
host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still
call your wife those loving pet names'.

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said,
'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to
ask her what it is!'