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Thread: Jokes

  1. #936
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    Default Lmao!!!

    This blog is so funny!!! The HK commentaries are so dink on:

    http://www.seelai.com/nudekingontheblog/

    http://www.seelai.com/nudekingontheb...y_in_hong.html

  2. #937
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    Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other
    and says,

    'You know, I don't know what else to do.

    Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off
    before I get to the driveway.

    I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I
    go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom,
    stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds.

    I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up, and Yells at me for staying out
    so late.


    His friend looks at him and says 'Well, you're obviously taking the wrong
    approach.

    I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard
    into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the
    closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and
    say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!! ' and she acts like she's sound asleep!

    Works Every Time!!

  3. #938
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    An elderly man walks into a confessional.

    The following conversation ensues:

    Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking . We went to a motel, where I had *** with each of them three times.'

    Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

    Man: 'What sins? '

    Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

    Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

    Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

    Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.'

  4. #939
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    Default New Seat Belt Law..

    ..(okay, some of you have probably seen this one; if not, enjoy)..

    New Seat Belt Law
    Becomes effective June 15, 2008


    New Seat Belt LAW

    The national Highway Safety Council has done
    extensive testing on a newly designed seat belt.
    Results show that
    accidents can be reduced
    by as much as 45% when the belt is properly installed.

    Correct installation is illustrated below...

    This is very Important, please pass on to friends and family.

    THIS MIGHT
    SAVE A LIFE!















    Last edited by ctjcad; 07-30-2008 at 03:40 PM.

  5. #940
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    Default Chinese Wedding Night..

    ..okay, one more (some of you have probably read this one; if not, enjoy)..

    CHINESE WEDDING NIGHT

    A young Chinese couple gets married. On their wedding night, she cowers
    under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs
    into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

    'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry
    frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss
    anyting you want. You juss ask Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound
    experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

    A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her
    request. She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have
    heard about from other girls..... Numbaa 69.'

    More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone
    he asks her....



    'You want... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas??

  6. #941
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    Ehh, this is not even funny, Chris.

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    it is. because people order chinese food (takeaway i think) by numbers. hahahahaha so while the girl is thinking kama sutra, he is thinking chinese food.

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    Er, the joke is now on Pete_LSD

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    At a party, a man was raving about his new hearing-aid.

    "I bought this in London," he said. "It's German engineering at its best, and the initial research was done in Japan. It's endorsed by NASA and has just won a Dutch Award for Quality. It's the smallest and lightest hearing-aid ever made... and the best part is that I can now hear a leaf drop 200 feet away."

    "Wow", exclaimed one of the listeners. "So, what did you pay for it?"

    "Seven o'clock," said the man.

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    (in my country clapping is called a "tali")
    one guy told another that in afghanistan people dont clap at birthdays,dance or party
    the other guy asks why?
    coz in afghanistan there is "tali"ban

  11. #946
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    What ? You took my joke .

    Quote Originally Posted by Oldhand View Post
    Er, the joke is now on Pete_LSD

  12. #947
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    World's oldest joke traced back to 1900 BC

    Thu Jul 31, 8:01 AM ET


    The world's oldest recorded joke has been traced back to 1900 BC and suggests that toilet humor was as popular with the ancients as it is today.

    It is a saying of the Sumerians, who lived in what is now southern Iraq and goes: "Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap."

    It heads the world's oldest top 10 joke list published by the University of Wolverhampton on Thursday.

    A 1600 BC gag about a pharaoh, said to be King Snofru, comes second -- "How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish."

    The oldest British joke dates back to the 10th Century and reveals the bawdy face of the Anglo-Saxons -- "What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before? Answer: A key."

    "Jokes have varied over the years, with some taking the question and answer format while others are witty proverbs or riddles," said the report's writer Dr Paul McDonald, senior lecturer at the university.

    "What they all share however, is a willingness to deal with taboos and a degree of rebellion. Modern puns, Essex girl jokes and toilet humor can all be traced back to the very earliest jokes identified in this research."

    The study was commissioned by television channel Dave. The top 10 oldest jokes can be viewed at www.dave-tv.co.uk.

    (Reporting by John Joseph; Editing by Steve Addison)

    ------------
    oldest joke traced back to BC..LOL

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    Default All Puns Intended

    Oh Gawd.... enjoy

    1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

    2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

    3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

    4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

    5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

    6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'

    7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common?' Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'

    8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

    9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

    10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

    11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

    12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!'

    13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

    14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

    15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

    16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

    17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

    18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

    19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ..... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

    20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.

    No pun in ten did.

  14. #949
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    Quote Originally Posted by madbad View Post
    Oh Gawd.... enjoy

    1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

    2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

    3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

    4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

    5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

    6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'

    7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common?' Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'

    8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

    9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

    10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

    11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

    12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!'

    13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

    14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

    15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

    16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

    17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

    18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

    19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ..... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

    20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.

    No pun in ten did.
    Hats off to the chaps who worked on these lines!
    "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious' is the best

  15. #950
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    No bull, camouflage trousers, funny tasting clown, mussel, and super-calloused ... are absolute killers!

    -dave

  16. #951
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    From today, I'm gonna use the expression 'Deja Moo' a lot.
    For some reason, it suits a lot of what I hear in my office

  17. #952
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default Reliving some pun...

    Quote Originally Posted by madbad View Post
    Oh Gawd.... enjoy
    ...
    ...found one which has been posted before, on this page...
    http://www.badmintoncentral.com/foru...=17468&page=19
    Last edited by ctjcad; 07-31-2008 at 11:59 PM.

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