Jokes

[azabaz_ipoh]

i love the mahatma gandhi one too

[huangkwokhau]

I got email from my friend, hope it has not been posted yet...

Learn Chinese for Olympics... ( You MUST read them outloud)

English Chinese

That's not right Sum Ting Wong

See me ASAP Kum Hia Nao

Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding

Stupid Man Dum Fuk

Small Horse Tai ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan

I think you need a face lift Chin Tu Fat

It is very dark in here! Wai So Dim

This is a tow away zone! No Pah King

I thought you were on a diet! Wai Yu Mun Ching

Staying out of sight! Lei Ying Loh

Great Fa Kin Su Pa

[ctjcad]

I got email from my friend, hope it has not been posted yet...

...that if read aloud, will definitely deserve a deletion by kwun/mods...

[Oldhand]

You should have mentioned that it's PG-rated

I read this aloud (and slowly too) in the office... and a colleague looked in to ask who I was scolding

[madbad]

You should have mentioned that it's PG-rated

I read this aloud (and slowly too) in the office... and a colleague looked in to ask who I was scolding

.... SUCKAAAAAAAAAAA!!! (Poor oldhand)

[huangkwokhau]

You should have mentioned that it's PG-rated

I read this aloud (and slowly too) in the office... and a colleague looked in to ask who I was scolding

...................Gotcha!!..It is still PG-rated in my standard...!

[erin_hakkinen]

I got email from my friend, hope it has not been posted yet...

Learn Chinese for Olympics... ( You MUST read them outloud)

English Chinese

That's not right Sum Ting Wong

See me ASAP Kum Hia Nao

Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding

Stupid Man Dum Fuk

Small Horse Tai ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan

I think you need a face lift Chin Tu Fat

It is very dark in here! Wai So Dim

This is a tow away zone! No Pah King

I thought you were on a diet! Wai Yu Mun Ching

Staying out of sight! Lei Ying Loh

Great Fa Kin Su Pa

OMG hauge!! i laughed so hard my parents can hear me downstairs!!
HAHAHAHAHA!!

[ctjcad]

...you didn't say those words aloud...

[bmc2005]

This isn't a joke but I found it really funny

[johnp]

this site www.slangaholic.com has everyday olympics parody pics with cats, today has a cat version of badminton!

[Pete LSD]

There is a joke in China about the Meausoleum of Mao Zedong. The guy get to wake up every morning for work even though he is resting in peace. Yes, he has to work every morning. People come in to watch and/or pay their respects. Only the closing hour can he rest again . . .


http://www.badmintoncentral.com/foru...postcount=1183

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mausoleum_of_Mao_Zedong

[Eurasian =--(O)]

This isn't a joke but I found it really funny

Do you use Reddit?

[Shayde]

Lol Chinese English is Su Pa Fa Ni!

Anyway.

So there were 12 people on a small cruise boat. 11 Men and 1 Woman. The engines failed and the boat's hull cracked. The boat was slowly but steadily sinking. They sent SOS signals, but there weren't any other boats around the area, so a rescue helicopter agency intercepted the signal, and they rushed there. The rescue helicopter dropped a rope ladder down, because they couldn't risk getting any lower. (chance of collision or impact). Everyone scrambled onto the ladder. But once everyone was gripping on, the rope ladder started loosening. They all knew that someone had to be sacrificed and had to let go... falling to the depths of the ocean below. So the one woman volunteered to let go... but before she sacrificed herself, she made a beautiful, moving speech about why women are worse than men, that they are always the underdog, but no matter what the reason, women will always do what men want, cause men are like masters to them, and they are nothing but servants that can't compare to men's greatness.

When the woman's speech was finished, all the men were clapping.

[Break-My-String]

You think English is easy???


1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick?'

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP'.

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

[Lobeh]

Two Little Boys



Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They

were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it.

If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably

involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been

successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak

with her boys.



The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the

mother sent the 8 year old first in the morning, with the older boy to

see the preacher in the afternoon.



The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down

and asked him sternly, 'Do you know where God is, son?'



The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there

wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.



So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, 'Where

is God?'



Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice

even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, 'Where

is God?'



The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove

into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother

found him in the closet, he asked, 'What happened?'



The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, 'We are in BIG

trouble this time,'



'GOD is missing, and they think we did it.'

[ctjcad]

..(okay, some of you have probably read these; if not, enjoy!)

Summary of Life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a dust-buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1 -- You believe in Santa Claus.



2 -- You don't believe in Santa Claus.



3 -- You are Santa Claus.



4 -- You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . having friends.

At age 17 success is . having a driver's license.

At age 35 success is . having money.

At age 50 success is .. . having money.

At age 70 success is . . having a driver license.

At age 75 success is . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . not peeing in your pants.

[ctjcad]

..(okay, since we've just finished enjoying this yr's Olympics, here's something to share; some of you have probably seen this; if not enjoy!)

A rare photograph of young Michael Phelps...