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Thread: Jokes

  1. #987
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    Quote Originally Posted by samuel882 View Post
    1. Don't scared me, I am too shy

    2. I am going to concurred the world

    3. ------------

    WElcome back, COOLEST
    Lol it has been a while since I posted anything But I still kept reading posts every now and then but was just to busy (and lazy) to post!

  2. #988
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    Quote Originally Posted by COOLEST View Post
    Ok, lol, I can just imagine what kind of quote or speech clouds can go along with these images .
    panda- wazzzup!
    -I thought you were still asleep!
    -This isn't what it looks like...
    -Give that back!

    Alligator-Why, hello there...
    -Have I interupted something?
    -Laugh and I'll kill you...

    Pooh-What're you lookin' at?!
    - That's right! I'm a gangsta!

  3. #989
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default Roasted dove!!

    ..(okay, maybe not really a joke...some of you have probably seen this video, maybe even remember it; if not, enjoy!)..

    Olympics, Seoul 1988

    Fly doves fly. Before a worldwide audience, peace symbol goes up in flames.

    Brought to you by KFC.

    Fast forward to 4:40 (or if you prefer to watch the entire video)..
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8J5nqxy0CW8

  4. #990
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default The Front Fell Off..

    ..(some of you have probably seen this video; if not, enjoy!)

    Taken from a skit..
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQCwnoMMqtA

    An extended version (funny also):
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gWPwlMv8lNI

  5. #991
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default A Love Story

    ..(okay, some of you have probably read this (i think the pic has been posted here before); if not, enjoy)



    This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge, he asked her, 'What did you steal?'. She replied, 'A can of peaches.'

    The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.

    The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, '6.'

    The judge said, 'Then I will give you 6 days in jail.'

    Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

    The judge said, 'What is it?'

    ..(brief silence)...



    The husband said, 'She also stole a can of peas.'
    Last edited by ctjcad; 09-22-2008 at 06:18 PM.

  6. #992
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    Quote Originally Posted by ctjcad View Post
    The husband said, 'She also stole a can of peas.' [/COLOR][/B]
    hope it isn't chickpea..

  7. #993
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default Friday's laff..

    ..some of you have probably read these; if not, enjoy.

    "Dear Tide"

    I am writing to say what an excellent product you have!
    I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.
    Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring
    husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

    One thing led to another and somehow I ended up
    with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed
    my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my
    surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came
    out!

    In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives
    who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests
    on my blouse were negative and then my attorney
    called and said that I was no longer considered
    a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

    What a relief! Going through menopause is bad
    enough without being a murder suspect! I thank
    you, once again, for having a great product.

    Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
    ================================================== =======
    "The Test"

    An older couple had a son, who was still living at
    home. The parents were a little worried, as the
    son was still unable to decide about his future
    career. They decided to do a small test. They
    took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of
    whiskey, and put them on the front hall table,
    and hid, pretending they were not home.

    The father's plan was: "If our son takes the
    money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he
    will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey,
    I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."

    So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the
    nearby closet. Peeping through the keyhole they
    saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they
    had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at
    it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After
    that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took
    it. Then, he grabbed the bottle, opened it and took
    a whiff, to get assured of the quality.

    Then he left for his room, carrying all three items.

    The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn!
    Our son is going to be a Senator someday!"

  8. #994
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    Default truth stranger than fiction

    Somali pirates want $20M ship ransom; crewman dies

    By MOHAMED OLAD HASSAN, Associated Press Writer
    Sun Sep 28, 2:03 PM ET

    MOGADISHU, Somalia - As a heavily armed U.S. destroyer patrolled nearby and planes flew overhead Sunday, a Somali pirate spokesman told The Associated Press his group was demanding a $20 million ransom to release a cargo ship loaded with Russian tanks.

    -------------------------
    pirates hold one superpower as hostage while another superpower stand by and watch. I bet the Al Queda are taking notes
    Last edited by cooler; 09-28-2008 at 10:32 PM.

  9. #995
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default Prove of global warming??..

    ..okay, some of you have probably seen this one; if not, enjoy..




















  10. #996
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    Default X-rated

    WARNING: MAKE SURE U R AT LEAST 18 BEFORE READING....



    1.. When I was born, I got a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I am not able to remember, what did I choose?

    2.. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

    3.. My wife is a *** object. Every time I ask for ***, she objects.

    4.. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".

    5.. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men regarding *** -'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together ==
    'don't stop'!

    6.. Panties are not the best thing on earth, but next to best thing on
    earth.

    7.. There are three stages of *** in a person's life: Tri Weekly, Try
    Weekly, and Try Weakly.

    8.. Having *** is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
    you'd better have a good hand.

    9.. Q : What's an Australian kiss?

    A : The same thing as a French kiss, only down under

    10.. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.
    He was happy with the Hole and She was happy with the Thing.

    11.. Q : What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
    A : Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

    12.. Teacher: Use "harassment" in a sentence.
    Johnny: Her mouth said no, but "her ass meant" yes. Teacher fainted.

    13.. Q : What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
    A : A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with
    everyone except you.

    14.. Q : Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
    A : Breasts don't have eyes.......

    15.. Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many men still sleep with their wives!


    HIGHLIGHT TO READ..

  11. #997
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default George W's War..

    ..(some of you have probably read this; if not, enjoy)

    George W’s War

    By INVESTOR'S BUSINESS DAILY

    No one likes war. War is a horrific affair, bloody and expensive. Sending our men and women into battle to perhaps die or be maimed is an unconscionable thought.

    Yet some wars need to be waged, and someone needs to lead. The citizenry and Congress are often ambivalent or largely opposed to any given war. It's up to our leader to convince them. That's why we call the leader 'Commander in Chief.'

    George W.'s war was no different. There was lots of resistance to it. Many in Congress were vehemently against the idea. The Commander in Chief had to lobby for legislative approval.

    Along with supporters, George W. used the force of his convictions, the power of his title and every ounce of moral suasion he could muster to rally support. He had to assure Congress and the public that the war was morally justified, winnable and affordable. Congress eventually came
    around and voted overwhelmingly to wage war.

    George W. then lobbied foreign governments for support. But in the end, only one European nation helped us. The rest of the world sat on its hands and watched.

    After a few quick victories, things started to go bad. There were many dark days when all the news was discouraging. Casualties began to mount. It became obvious that our forces were too small. Congress began to drag its feet about funding the effort.

    Many who had voted to support the war just a few years earlier were beginning to speak against it and accuse the Commander in Chief of misleading them. Many critics began to call him incompetent, an idiot and even a liar. Journalists joined the negative chorus with a vengeance.

    As the war entered its fourth year, the public began to grow weary of the conflict and the casualties. George W.'s popularity plummeted. Yet through it all, he stood firm, supporting the troops and endorsing the struggle.

    Without his unwavering support, the war would have surely ended, then and there, in overwhelming and total defeat. At this darkest of times, he began to make some changes. More troops were added and trained. Some advisers were shuffled, and new generals installed.

    Then, unexpectedly and gradually, things began to improve. Now it was the enemy that appeared to be growing weary of the lengthy conflict and losing support. Victories began to come, and hope returned.

    Many critics in Congress and the press said the improvements were just George W.'s good luck. The progress, they said, would be temporary. He knew, however, that in warfare good fortune counts.

    Then, in the unlikeliest of circumstances and perhaps the most historic example of military luck, the enemy blundered and was resoundingly defeated. After six long years of war, the Commander in Chief basked in a most hard-fought victory.

    ...So on that historic day, Oct. 19, 1781, in a place called Yorktown , a satisfied George Washington sat upon his beautiful white horse and accepted the surrender of Lord Cornwallis, effectively ending the Revolutionary War.


    What (yes, cooler)? Were you thinking of someone else?

  12. #998
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    Quote Originally Posted by ctjcad View Post
    ..(some of you have probably read this; if not, enjoy)

    George W’s War

    By INVESTOR'S BUSINESS DAILY

    What (yes, cooler)? Were you thinking of someone else?
    hahaha, nice try, i wasn't holding my breath. I knew there would be a twist at the end of the story Yes, quite similar to the current iraq war but the ending could be quite different because the enemy is a faceless, countryless entity, it is called terror Maybe in the 6th year (2009), Obama could end the war

    if only fear and terror come in a single package, US can destroy it like how Captain Kirk did in the episode 'wolf in fold'. Saddam H. wasn't it tho

    The entity repossesses Hengist's body, and Kirk orders it beamed into space "at maximum dispersion", spreading it into billions of harmless atoms
    Last edited by cooler; 09-30-2008 at 07:30 PM.

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    Student celebrates $12 million lottery win
    Tue Sep 30, 1:55 PM ET

    The credit crisis and tight student budgets hold no fears for a British teenager who won 7 million pounds ($12.68 million) on the Lottery.

    Ianthe Fullagar, 18, from Cumbria, northern England, said she still plans to go to university next year to study law, despite her huge win on the EuroMillions game.

    Although she won't need a student loan or inflated overdraft, she said she hopes to be just like the others at college.

    "I'm going to live the life of a student. I'm going to live in student digs," she told the BBC on Tuesday. "I love baked beans."

    The teenager said she screamed so loudly when she checked her ticket that her dog jumped up and bit her on the bottom.

    She hid her winning ticket in her bra before moving it to a jewelry box and then her gym bag while she waited for her win to be confirmed.

    After receiving an over-sized check at an official ceremony, she said she plans to spend her winnings on her family and friends and a new Ford Ka.

    (Reporting by Peter Griffiths)

  14. #1000
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    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taufik_Hidayat

    "To date, Taufik is the only male badminton player in the world ever to win the Olympics (2004) and the World Badminton Championship that took place in the following year (2005)."

    Glad to know there is only 1 winner per MS title and he wasn't a female
    Attached Images Attached Images  

  15. #1001
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    i have to say this US election is the most entertaining and likely most watched and followed that i can remember.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XctwT...eature=related

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YifLtTSGWCw

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FdDqS...eature=related
    Last edited by cooler; 10-05-2008 at 02:30 PM.

  16. #1002
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default Message From The Queen

    ..some of you have read this; if not, enjoy!

    MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

    To the citizens of the U.S. from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
    In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
    (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except , which she does not fancy).
    Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for without the need for further elections.
    Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
    To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:


    -----------------------
    1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
    ------------------------
    2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
    -------------------
    3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
    -----------------
    4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
    ----------------------
    5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
    ----------------------
    6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
    --------------------
    7. The former will adopt prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
    -------------------
    8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
    -------------------
    9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
    ---------------------
    10. Movies will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
    ---------------------
    11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
    ---------------------
    12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of the U.S. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
    --------------------
    13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
    -----------------
    14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
    ---------------
    15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
    ------------------

    God Save the Queen!
    PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
    Last edited by ctjcad; 10-06-2008 at 04:35 PM.

  17. #1003
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    Quote Originally Posted by ctjcad View Post
    ..some of you have read this; if not, enjoy!

    MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

    To the citizens of the U.S. from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
    In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
    (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

    -----------------------
    1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary')....

    This is brilliant. Having been in the States for a few weeks now, I'm still getting used to these 'strange' spellings.
    You definitely need a sense of humor to appreciate these changes.

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