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Thread: Jokes

  1. #86
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    Default too many to list

    "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —George W. Bush, Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

    "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

    "I'm not the expert on how the Iraqi people think, because I live in America, where it's nice and safe and secure." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Sept. 23, 2004

    "I cut the taxes on everybody. I didn't cut them. The Congress cut them. I asked them to cut them." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Aug. 6, 2004

    "I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 25, 2004

    "Let me put it to you bluntly. In a changing world, we want more people to have control over your own life." —George W. Bush, Annandale, Va, Aug. 9, 2004

    "Recession means that people's incomes, at the employer level, are going down, basically, relative to costs, people are getting laid off." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Feb. 19, 2004

    "When a drug comes in from Canada, I wanna make sure it cures ya, not kill ya... I've got an obligation to make sure our government does everything we can to protect you. And one — my worry is that it looks like it's from Canada, and it might be from a third world." —George W. Bush, presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004

    "Then you wake up at the high school level and find out that the illiteracy level of our children are appalling." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 23, 2004

  2. #87
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    Default honda

    Mr Honda, of the Honda Motor Corporation, died and went to heaven for
    judgement. At the gates, St. Peter told Mr Honda, "since you've been
    such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your
    reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.

    "Mr Honda thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang
    out with God. I have a question for Him".

    St. Peter took Mr Honda to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
    He then asked God, "Aren't you the inventor of women?"
    God said, "Ah, yes. Indeed I am".

    "Well," said Mr Honda, "Professional to professional, you have some
    major design flaws in your design.
    "1- There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
    2- It chatters constantly at high speeds.
    3- Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
    4- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
    5- Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous,
    and don't even get me started talking about the maintenance costs."

    "Hmmmm, you do raise some good points" replied God, "Lets have a wee
    look." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few
    things and waited for the results. After a moment God said, "Well, it
    may be true that my invention seems to be flawed, but according to
    these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.."

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    Default Sometimes it's better to be quiet...

    > A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits was that of
    > breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign
    that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
    >
    > The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times
    last year." They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign
    that said, This bull mated 120 times last year."
    >
    > The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You
    > could learn a lot from him." They walked further and a third pen had
    a bull with a sign saying, "This bull mated 365 times last year."
    >
    > The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. You could
    REALLY learn something from this one."
    >
    > The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with
    the same cow."
    >
    > The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and
    he is expected to make a full recovery.

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    now, i really feel sorry for the husband.

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    Agree.

    There is no recovery for the husband, never, if he has to perform like the cow from then on. He is better off always staying in stable recovering condition.

  6. #91
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    Default this is a good one (it's actually an article though)

    Pressed to impress
    By MARY SCHNEIDER

    WHEN it comes to clothes you’re just way too predictable. That’s been your problem for a while now,” a good friend announced the other day while I was shopping for a new dress at a Penang shopping mall. *

    “No, I’m not,” I said, sounding a little defensive. “Besides, why does predictable have to be seen as a problem?”*

    “Because you end up wearing the same clothes that just about everyone else your age is wearing, that’s why.”*

    “Is there something wrong with that?”*

    “Not if you want to look like any other middle-aged woman out there. It’s like you’ve slipped into wearing a fortysomething uniform.”*

    “But I feel okay the way I am.”*

    “For example, take that dress you’ve just chosen,” she said, ignoring my statement of contentment.*

    I studied the little black number in my hand. “What’s wrong with this dress?”*

    “It doesn’t say anything about you as individual expect BORING.”*

    “Oh, I thought this dress said mature yet sassy,” I said, trying to keep a straight face.*

    My friend emitted a camel-like snort, an obvious sign that she was not amused by my inane remark.*

    I sighed and cocked my head to one side. “Okay, tell me what I should be wearing to stand out from the crowd. What are the movers and shakers of our generation wearing these days?”*

    “Come with me,” commanded the camel.*

    I returned my predictable little black number to its rack and meekly followed her to another section of the shop. “There!” she said, pointing at a few racks of brightly-coloured dresses. “Any one of these would look wonderful on you.”*

    As I took in the psychedelic scene in front of me, I felt a hot flush coming on.*

    “Those aren’t really my colours,” I said firmly yet politely, trying not to hurt my friend’s feelings.*

    “Try this one on!” commanded the camel, thrusting a lime green number into my hand.*

    Camels are notorious for taking the hump when they are ignored, so I decided to humour her.*

    I retreated to a changing cubicle the size of a telephone booth, and after much contorting of limbs, I managed to squeeze my body into the miniscule dress.*

    “What’s it like?” asked my friend from the other side of the changing room door.*

    “It really isn’t me. I don’t know why I allowed you to persuade me to try it on in the first place.”*

    “Let me have a look!”*

    I slowly opened the door – any quick movements might have caused that frock to come apart at the seams.*

    “It looks wonderful,” trilled my friend. *

    “Wonderful? I look as if I’m trapped inside a green popsicle. How can you possibly say I look wonderful? Besides, I can’t breathe very well.” *

    “But you look great and that’s all that matters.”*

    “All that matters! Breathing is more important, surely. Also, how am I expected to sit down? Don’t forget I need this for a dinner date. There’s definitely no room for expansion in this frock.”*

    “You mean to say you’re actually intending to eat on your date?”*

    “Well, isn’t that what one largely does on a dinner date?”*

    “No, that is not what one largely does on a dinner date.”*

    “Okay, enlighten me, please. What does one largely DO on a dinner date?”*

    “Well ? you know ?”*

    “I don’t know. Tell me!”*

    “Well, first of all, you want to look as good as possible for as long as possible, and you can’t do that with a bulging stomach and pieces of spinach stuck between your teeth.”*

    “Who said I was going to have pieces of anything stuck between my teeth?”*

    “You have to admit that some people don’t look too attractive when they eat.”*

    “Well, isn’t it better that my date finds out what I’m really like as soon as possible?”*

    “No, you get him hooked first, reel him in, then he will be so taken by you that you can afford to be more relaxed around him.”*

    “Sounds like a fishing competition to me. Why can’t I just be relaxed around him from the beginning?”*

    The camel snorted again. “If you want to lose him to someone a little more sophisticated, by all means, be yourself.”*

    “I understand about creating a good impression, but he’s never seen me dressed up like a popsicle before. What if he doesn’t like the popsicle look? Even worse, what if he DOES like the popsicle look and expects me to always look like a frozen treat? In any case, does this really have to be this complicated?”*

    “Well, it’s up to you.”*

    I stared at my friend in disbelief. Could a mature woman in her late 40s really be giving me such advice?*

    I closed the changing room door and surveyed my reflection in the mirror again. What exactly had I learnt after 46 years of living? Could I reduce myself to nothing more than a piece of bait on the end of a fishing hook and feel happy when it came to reeling in the catch?*

    A short while later, I emerged from the changing room and passed the unsuitable frock back to the shop assistant.*

    The camel stared in disbelief. “But I thought you looked wonderful.”*

    “Maybe so, but I’ve decided that this mover is going to shake her body back over to that boring little black number.”*

    “I thought you wanted my advice.”*

    “I did, but I’m not interested in fishing.”*

    The camel snorted again. “Why ever not?”*

    “Because there’s only one sort of fish I’m interested in, and it comes in a tangy sauce with a side order of spinach, washed down with a few glasses of chardonnay and followed by a sinful chocolate dessert.”*

    Perhaps the little black number shouldn’t be too little.*

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    Quote Originally Posted by Anatolii
    now, i really feel sorry for the husband.
    would u after reading this?
    ---------------------------------------


    MAINTAINING A DISTANCE OF 5 PACES BEHIND!!!

    Barbara Walters of 20/20 (USA-ABC Television) did a
    story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several
    years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that
    women customarily walked 5 paces behind their
    husbands. She recently returned to Kabul and observed
    that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms.
    Walters vantage point, despite the overthrow of the
    oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk
    even further back behind their husbands and are happy
    to maintain the old custom. Ms. Walters approached
    one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now
    seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so
    desperately to change?" The woman looked Ms. Walters
    straight in the eyes and without hesitation, said,
    "Land mines."

    MORAL OF THE STORY: BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART
    WOMAN!!

  8. #93
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    This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US
    naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of
    Newfoundland in October, 1995.

    Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to
    avoid a collision.

    Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the
    South to avoid a collision.

    Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
    divert YOUR course.

    Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

    Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
    LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
    ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
    SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
    NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL
    BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

    Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

    lol..dumb americans ^.^

  9. #94
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    Quote Originally Posted by aznphi1osopher
    There was an American man that had an meeting in France. He met a woman and that night they had their own meeting. While they were where having s-e-x, she was yelling, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX." He did not know what that meant, but assumed it to be some sort of praise.

    The next day, he went to play golf with the men he had the meeting with. One of them made a hole in one. He yelled, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX !"

    They looked at him and said, "what do you mean wrong hole?"
    Ahahahhahahahhahahaha

  10. #95
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    Default One Day In The Garden Of Eden

    Eve called out to God to come down to talk to her.

    God: What's the problem, Eve?

    Eve: Well, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all these wonderful animals and that hillarious snake, but I'm just not happy.

    God: Why is that?

    Eve: I am lonely and I'm sick to death of apples

    God: Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.

    Eve: What's a man, God?

    God: This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll generally give you a hard time. But...he'll be bigger and faster, and can help protect you, and will like to hunt and kill things to eat. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice sometimes to think properly.

    Eve: Sounds great. What's the catch?

    God: Well... you can have him on one condition.

    Eve: What's that, God?

    God: As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret... You know, woman to woman

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    Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
    "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
    Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
    "What does that tell you?" says Holmes.
    Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you Holmes?"
    Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some one has stolen our tent."

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    It was the last night of the Natonal Rhyme Off competition. The two finalist waited in their respective sound proof stations. All the TV Networks were covering the show.
    The first finalist, John, was a professor of literature from Harvard and he approached the kiosk for the final word. The host reminded John of the rules - "I'll give you the word John and then you have 20 seconds to make a ryme using the word that I give you".
    "John the final word is Timbuktu - you have 20 seconds". John is deep in thought and within 10 seconds says,
    "Across the scorched and burning sands,
    Marched the brave and noble bands.
    Side by side and two by two,
    All the way to Timbuktu!"
    The crowd was delirious and after getting the applause calmed down the host called out contestant number 2. Billy Bob was a pig farmer from Arkansas and again the host went over the rules. When Billy Bob was ready the host gave him the word - "Timbuktu". Well Billy Bob sorta stared off into space kinda like a cow chewing a cud - at 19 seconds Billy Bob spoke.
    "Tim and me a huntin went,
    Found three maidens in a tent.
    I was young and kinda new,
    I bucked one and Tim bucked two!"

  13. #98
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gessle
    Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
    "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
    Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
    "What does that tell you?" says Holmes.
    Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you Holmes?"
    Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some one has stolen our tent."
    LOL! how unlike watson though.. to be able to come out with so much deductions!! knowing him, he'd probalby only come out with the first one, and then conclude that he fails to surmise anything further.

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    > Mathematics, Malaysian-style
    >
    > I find it most alarming that Malaysian schools teach our children the
    wrong
    > things. I mean: can the children really apply what they are taught in
    school
    > later in life? For example, can you imagine a mathematics question in
    a
    > recent examination as follows?
    >
    > "If an egg costs fifty Sen, and if you buy one-eighth of the egg, how
    much
    > would you have to pay?"
    >
    > Who in heaven's name will want to buy one-eighth of an egg? The
    shopkeeper
    > will probably think you are crazy and he will be equally stupid to
    break
    the
    > egg and measure one-eighth for you. Yet, this is how they structure
    the
    > questions in Malaysian schools. Why not pose questions that would be
    more
    > useful later in life when you go out into the world to earn your
    living?
    To
    > help Malaysia's Ministry of Education better prepare our students to
    face
    > the realities of life, we are suggesting some questions they could
    use in
    > our classrooms.
    >
    > QUESTION 1
    >
    > If you drive from Kuala Lumpur to Penang along the PLUS Highway and
    there
    > are four speed traps along the way, and if each speed trap would cost
    you
    > RM300.00 in fines, how much in fines would you accumulate by the time
    you
    > reach Penang?
    >
    > ANSWER (Choose one)
    >
    > 1.. I would not suffer any fines as the oncoming cars would flash
    their
    > headlights and I would slow down before coming to the speed trap.
    > 2.. I would only need to pay a total of RM80.00 as I would pay a
    RM20.00
    > bribe at each speed trap.
    > 3.. I would not be stopped as I am an UMNO Wakil Rakyat so I am
    exempted
    > from speed traps.
    >
    > QUESTION 2
    >
    > If your Bumiputera company is awarded a RM150 million government
    contract,
    > and you make a 20% profit, how much profit would your company make at
    the
    > end of the contract period?
    >
    > ANSWER (Choose one)
    >
    > 1.. I will not be making a 20% profit as I would have to pay the
    Minister
    > 10% and UMNO 5%.
    > 2.. I would make 30% profit, which is the progress payment I
    receive,
    > after which I will abandon the project and let the government call
    for a
    > re-tender.
    > 3.. My company will not make any profit at all as I will siphon out
    all
    > the profits and show a loss to avoid paying corporate tax.
    >
    > QUESTION 3
    >
    > If the ruling party obtained 54% of the popular votes the last
    election
    and
    > won 151 or 80% of the seats, and if it saw an increase of 10% in
    votes
    this
    > election, how many more seats would it gain?
    >
    > ANSWER (Choose one)
    >
    > 1.. The ruling party will not show a 10% increase in votes, as it
    will
    > stuff the ballot box with another 20% to give it a 30% vote increase.
    > 2.. The ruling party will win an additional 25 seats, which are the
    newly
    > created seats in the delineation exercise recently done.
    > 3.. The ruling party has already decided it will win 90% of the
    seats
    and
    > the votes have nothing to do with it.
    >
    > QUESTION 4
    >
    > If the national petroleum company, Petronas, pays a 5% royalty to
    Terengganu
    > State and if the amount paid is RM800,000,000 per year, how much
    should
    > Petronas have in the bank accumulated over the last 25 years?
    >
    > ANSWER (Choose one)
    >
    > 1.. Nobody is supposed to know as Petronas need not show its
    accounts to
    > anyone except the Prime Minister and this information comes under the
    > Official Secrets Act.
    > 2.. Petronas earns only 50% of its petroleum revenue from
    Terengganu so
    > Petronas' total income accumulated in the banks over 25 years should
    be
    > RM800 billion.
    > 3.. Petronas has nothing accumulated in the bank as all the money
    has
    been
    > spent bailing out failed banks and crony companies and to finance
    mega
    > projects.

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    Quote Originally Posted by FEND.
    > Mathematics, Malaysian-style
    >
    > I find it most alarming that Malaysian schools teach our children the
    wrong
    > things. I mean: can the children really apply what they are taught in
    school
    > later in life? For example, can you imagine a mathematics question in
    a
    > recent examination as follows?
    >
    > "If an egg costs fifty Sen, and if you buy one-eighth of the egg, how
    much
    > would you have to pay?"
    i'd like to rectify that in all my years of exams and math questions, i have never come across any such questions!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Anatolii
    i'd like to rectify that in all my years of exams and math questions, i have never come across any such questions!
    come to think of it, i actually saw one in a Cambridge paper this year!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Race2Rosanne
    This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US
    naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of
    Newfoundland in October, 1995.
    ...
    Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
    LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
    ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
    SUPPORT VESSELS.
    ...
    much as I'd be happy to poke fun at the Americans, I think it's unlikely that they would have an aircraft carrier so close to the coast. Maybe an urban myth, but a good punchline all the same.

    Edit:
    see
    http://www.chinfo.navy.mil/navpalib/.../litehuse.html
    Last edited by Neil Nicholls; 12-27-2004 at 05:35 AM.

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