Jokes

**ctjcad** · 01-28-2009, 04:14 AM

..(some of you have probably seen/read these; if not, enjoy)..

"There was a little confusion at the meeting there at the White House when President Bush was told that Obama was coming. He said 'Oh, you mean we caught him?'" --David Letterman

"See, I got to admit, as a comedian, I'm gonna miss President Bush. Because Barack Obama is not easy to do jokes about. He doesn't give you a lot to go on. See, this is why God gave us Joe Biden." --Jay Leno

"I don't know if you heard the news, but Wall Street now is a farmer's market. I don't want to say things are going downhill quickly, but Obama's new campaign slogan is 'Are you better off than you were four days ago?'" --Bill Maher

On his image: "Who is Barack Obama? Contrary to the rumors you have heard, I was not born in a manger. I was actually born on Krypton and sent here by my father Jor-El to save the Planet Earth. Many of you know that I got my name, Barack, from my father. What you may not know is Barack is actually Swahili for 'That One.' And I got my middle name from somebody who obviously didn't think I'd ever run for president. If I had to name my greatest strength, I guess it would be my humility. Greatest weakness, it's possible that I'm a little too awesome." --Obama at the Al Smith Dinner

and last but not least...

**Athelete1234** · 01-30-2009, 09:44 PM

http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/

Has anybody read those??? They're awesome!

**cooler** · 01-31-2009, 12:48 AM

Originally Posted by Athelete1234

http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/

Has anybody read those??? They're awesome!

yes, but they left out one small detail
chuck norris call bruce lee, daddy.

**drop2it** · 01-31-2009, 02:02 AM

SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in
the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman
saying,.......... 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing
to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's
pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own effin blanket.'

After a moment of silence, .......................he farted.
The End

**ctjcad** · 02-02-2009, 06:27 PM

..(some of you have probably seen/read this; if not, well...)..

Is America great or what….!!!

http://apnews.excite.com/article/200...D963GJPG0.html

**Temasek Green** · 02-03-2009, 07:31 PM

An Israeli doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we
can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking
for work in six weeks..'

A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

A Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we
can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them
both looking for work in two weeks.'

An American Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way
behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas , put him
in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking
for work.'

**madbad** · 02-04-2009, 01:38 AM

Someone sent this to me. Yes, I know it's been around for a while but recycling's good, right?

You have two cows

TRADITIONAL CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called 'Cowkimon' and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch..

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows and none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them..
You claim full employment and high bovine productivity.
You have the newsman who reported on the numbers arrested.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A MALAYSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You signed a 40-year contract to supply milk at RM0.06 per litre.
Then midway through, you raised the price to RM0.60. Pay this price or the supply gets cut.
When the buyer agrees to the new price, you change your mind again and now want RM1.20.
The buyer decided you can keep the milk and they go look for milk that comes from recycled cows or the cow urine instead.
Your two cows retire together with the Prime Minister.

And last but not least,

A SINGAPOREAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
One cow-peh and one cow-bu.

**ctjcad** · 02-04-2009, 02:12 AM

..i think a similar one has been posted in here before (different subject)..

**Lobeh** · 02-04-2009, 05:27 AM

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I went to the local video shop and I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today; I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Robbie Williams.

**ctjcad** · 02-05-2009, 03:18 AM

Originally Posted by madbad

Someone sent this to me. Yes, I know it's been around for a while but recycling's good, right?
...

Originally Posted by ctjcad

..i think a similar one has been posted in here before (different subject)..

..apparently it's the same subject...

http://www.badmintoncentral.com/foru...741#post613741 (post #607)

**ctjcad** · 02-06-2009, 10:36 AM

..(some of you have probably seen this; if not, enjoy)

..
Watch that gavel....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0x64Yt7SnIo

**jchan04** · 02-07-2009, 02:40 PM

Originally Posted by ctjcad

..(some of you have probably seen this; if not, enjoy)

..
Watch that gavel....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0x64Yt7SnIo

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
good one

**jchan04** · 02-07-2009, 02:44 PM

if you are unaware, there's a youtube channel called FAILBLOG
they also have a website, the basic idea of failblog is: "finding pleasure in other people's pain"
http://www.youtube.com/failblog
http://www.failblog.com

here is a sample: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iq1z5yko5HI

***Oldhand*** · 02-07-2009, 08:19 PM

Originally Posted by jchan04

here is a sample: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iq1z5yko5HI

Ouch!
That reminds me of Tchaikovsky's 'The Nutcracker Suite'

***Oldhand*** · 02-07-2009, 08:32 PM

Well, some people just don't know what's coming even if they can see it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XxGGyVklPHg

**madbad** · 02-07-2009, 08:57 PM

OK, this was covered in another thread, but being such a good yet entertaining) failure, it makes it in this one too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNQLmHKlmiE&NR=1