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Thread: Jokes

  1. #1174
    Moderator Oldhand's Avatar
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    Lightbulb Barrage Bushama

    Did someone mention 'change'?
    Attached Images Attached Images  

  2. #1175
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default ^^Yep..^^

    (not really a joke, maybe should fall in a "What Amazes Me" or the "The Strange & The Funny" thread??)..
    .."morphing" & there's already a video version of that on youtube:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QYrZZ68zhSs

    the next morphing, from Mr. BO to ???, should be interesting...
    Last edited by ctjcad; 02-14-2009 at 03:21 AM.

  3. #1176
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default Those V-Day jokes..

    ..(here are some which some of you have probably read; if not, enjoy)..

    A Thoughtful Valentine's Day Gift
    Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.

    'Yes,' came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, 'I've bought her a belt and a bag.'

    'That was very kind of you,' Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought.'

    Tony smiled as he replied, 'So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.'

    My One And Only
    Roger, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine's Day, at a very smart jeweller's shop in Hatton Garden, London.

    The jeweller inquired, 'Would you like your girlfriend's name engraved on it?'

    Roger thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, 'No, instead engrave 'To my one and only love'.'
    The jeweller smiled and said, 'Yes, sir; how very romantic of you.'

    Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, 'Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again.'

    Question and Answer Valentine Jokes
    Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day?
    A: Forget-me-nuts.

    Q: What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
    A: Stick with me and we'll go places!

    Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?
    A: I'm stuck on you.

    Q: Who sends a thousand valentines cards signed, 'guess who' ?
    A: A divorce lawyer.

    Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?
    A: You turn me on.

    Q: Did Adam and Eve ever have a date?
    A: No, but they had an apple.

    Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
    A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?

    Q: What did one snake say to the other snake?
    A: Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey.

    Knock, Knock,
    Who's there?
    Olive
    Olive who?
    Olive you!

    Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune?
    A: Because it couldn't get a date.

    Q: What is a ram's favourite song on February 14th?
    A: I only have eyes for ewe, dear

    Q: What travels around the world but stays in one corner?
    A: A stamp.

    Q: What happens when you fall in love with a French chef?
    A: You get buttered up.

    Q: What is a vampire's sweetheart called?
    A: His ghoul-friend.

    Q: If your aunt ran off to get married, what would you call her?
    A: Antelope.

    Q: What is the difference between a girl who is sick of her boyfriend and a sailor who falls into the ocean?
    A: One is bored over a man the other is a man overboard.

    Be My Valentine
    It was Valentine's day and Jim and Danielle's first date. They sat in the darkened cinema waiting for the film to start. The screen finally lit up with a flashy advertisement for the cinema's concession stand. Jim and Danielle realised that there was no sound. The film began but the silence continued.

    Suddenly, out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd loudly shouted', Okay, who's got the remote control?'

    How long have you been married?
    When a woman on the staff of the school where I worked became engaged, a friend and colleague offered her some advice.

    'The first ten years are the hardest.'

    'How long have you been married?' she asked.

    'Ten years', he replied.

    Love is Blind?
    Phil, a smart and handsome young man, dressed in the latest fashion, walked into this local pub. He noticed a woman gazing at him without blinking her big eyes. Phil felt flattered so he walked up to the woman and said in his deepest voice, 'I'll do anything you wish, beautiful lady, for just 10 but on one condition.'

    The woman appeared to be trapped in the moment and asked as if in a trance, 'What's your condition?'

    Phil answered, 'Tell me your wish in just three words.'

    There was a long pause, the woman opened her purse, counted out the money and handed it to the man along with her address. She then looked deeply into his eyes and whispered, 'Clean my house.'
    Last edited by ctjcad; 02-14-2009 at 03:41 AM.

  4. #1177
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default A few more V-Day jokes..

    Question and Answer Valentine Jokes (last few):
    Q: What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
    A: "I find you very attractive."

    Q: What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
    A: "You're fun to hang around with."

    Q: What did one light bulb say to the other?
    A: "I love you a whole watt!"

    Knock, knock!
    Who's there?
    Howard.
    Howard who?
    Howard you like a great big kiss?

    Knock knock!
    Who'e there?
    Frank
    Frank who?
    Frank you for being my friend!

    Q: What did the boy owl say to the girl owl on Valentine's Day?
    A: Owl be yours!

    Q: What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine's Day?
    A: Cauliflowers!

    Q: What do you call a very small Valentine?
    A: A Valentiny!

    Q: What did the boy squirrel say to the girl squirrel on Valentine's Day?
    A: I'm nuts about you!

    Q: What did the girl squirrel say to the boy squirrel on Valentine's Day?
    A: You're nuts so bad yourself!

    Knock knock!
    Who's there?
    Sherwood
    Sherwood who?
    Sherwood like to be your valentine!

    Knock, knock
    Who's there?
    Pooch
    Pooch who?
    Pooch your arms around me, baby!

    Q: What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
    A: "I love you a ton!"

    Q: What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
    A: "I'm sweet on you!"

    Q: What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?
    A: Hog and kisses!

    Q: Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?
    A: He fell in love with a pin cushion!

    Q: What did the pencil say to the paper?
    A: "I dot my i's on you!"

    Q: What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day?
    A: Ughs and kisses!

    Q: What did one pickle say to the other?
    A: "You mean a great dill to me."

    Q: Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
    A: Sure, they're very scent-imental!

  5. #1178
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    During a very intense rally, a player pops a string. This is accompanied by much swearing and eventually, the player shouts "That was Babolat VS Touch". Their opponent replies "Oh, I can see why you're so gutted."

  6. #1179
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default Learning Chinese..part II..

    ..(some of you have probably read these; if not, enjoy!)..
    as continued from this post #954..and yes, if you want to read them aloud, you may do so..

    INTRODUCTION TO CHINESE

    Ai Bang Mai Ne: "I bumped into the coffee table"

    Ai No Pei: "I have a press pass"

    Dum Gai: "A stupid person"

    Dung On Mai Shu: "I stepped in excrement"

    Fat He: "An unattractive person"

    Gun Pao Der: "An ancient Chinese invention"

    Hao Long Wei Ting: "When is the bus due?"

    Hia Dei Kum: "Stand by to repel boarders"

    Hu Flung Dung: "Which one of you fertilised the field?"

    Jan Ne Ka Sun: "A former late night talk show host"

    Kum Hia: "I'd like to talk to you"

    Lao Ze: "Not very good"

    Lao Ze Sho: "Gilligan's Island"

    Lei Loh: "Keep out of sight"

    Lei Tsho: "Midnight television programme"

    Li Loh: "A temporary bed"

    Lin Ching: "An illegal execution"

    Ming Toy: "Plaything belonging to ancient emperor"

    Moon Lan Ding: "One small step for man"

    Ne Ahn: "A lighting fixture used in advertising signs"

    Noh Tsmo King: "Cigarettes are hazardous to health"

    Noh Wei Ding: "Keep out of the pond"

    Shai Gai: "A bashful person"

    Shu Man Go: "Your body odour is offensive"

    Tai Ni Bei Bi: "A premature infant"

    Ten Ding Ba: "Serving drinks to people"

    Wan Bum Lung: "A person with TB"

    Wah Shing Kah: "Cleaning the family car"

    Wai Go Nao: "Do you really have to leave?"

    Wai Yu Kum Nao: "I thought the meeting was next week"

    Wai Yu Shao Ting: "There is no reason to raise your voice"

    Wai Yu Sing Dum Song: "Don't you know anything by Cole Porter?"

    Yu Mai Te Tan: "Your vacation in Hawaii agreed with you"

    Yu So Dim: "You aren't very bright"
    ==================================================
    Taiwanese Tourist at Immigration


    A Taiwanese man with very poor, practically no, English knowledge once visited the US. His name happened to be: Teng Xiao Ping.

    At the Immigration, the officer asked him a few questions to verify his true intention of coming to the US:

    - First the tourist was asked: "What is the last name of our first President?" Not knowing English neither what was the question, he guessed they must have asked him for his family name.

    So he replied:"Wa Sing Teng". (in Hokkien meaning My Last Name is Teng). The officer heard of "Washington!" (same sound) so passed him of the first question.

    - Second question was:"What do you come to the US for?" This time the Taiwanese thought, naturally he would be asked of his first name.

    So he replied:"Xiao Ping." The officer heard of: "Shopping!" so nodded and proceeded with his third question. "What car do u drive back home?"

    The tourist thought he was asked of his marital status, so he exclaimed: "Wa Bo Bo". (in Hokkien meaning I have no wife). And the officer heard of:"Volvo!" So smiled with compliment and asked again.

    - The fourth question was:"Who is the most popular basketball player here in the US?" By this time our Taiwanese friend was getting a bit impatient and annoyed hence shouted:"Mai Ho Wa Ja Dan". (meaning Don't let me wait here).

    The officer heard of:"Michael Jordan!" With great appreciation of this tourist's wide knowledge, the officer let him passed without further harrassment.

  7. #1180
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default Things that'll make you go hummm..

    ..(okay, some of you have probably read this; if not, enjoy)..not really a joke, but hopefully will make you smile..

    THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW

    A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

    The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter on backwards.

    The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."

    The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.

    The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

    Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."

    Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.

    Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.

    The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead".

    Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."

    Camel's milk does not curdle.

    In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

    An animal epidemic is called an epizootic.

    Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.

    The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.

    Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan.

    All porcupines float in water.

    Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

    If you take a raccoon's head to the Henniker, New Hampshire town hall, you are entitled to receive $10.00 from the town.

    The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

    Non-dairy creamer is flammable.

    The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)

    Texas is also the only state that is allowed to fly its state flag at the same height as the U.S. flag.

    The only nation who's name begins with an "A", but doesn't end in an "A" is Afghanistan.

    When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror.

    The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

  8. #1181
    Moderator Oldhand's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ctjcad View Post
    [...]The only nation who's name begins with an "A", but doesn't end in an "A" is Afghanistan. [...]
    Wrong.
    Azerbaijan is another.

    The compilation is outdated.
    Must be pre-1991

  9. #1182
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default Mid-week funnies..

    ..(okay, i'm sure some of you have probably read this; if not, enjoy!)..
    *Oldhand, yes, just making sure someone was actually paying attention...although, who knows, they might have another country which has the same characteristics..

    Why do spouses stay together?

    FIREFIGHTER: "We don't let hot spots become five-alarms."

    CARPENTER: "A good foundation is important."

    TEACHER: "Still learning about each other."

    PRINTER: "We duplicate our fine points on a good bond."

    ASTRONOMER: "We don't make little novas into Big Bangs."

    CHIROPRACTOR: "We straighten out the kinks before they become painful stains."

    ELECTRICIAN: "There's always some sparkling and arcing, but we keep our hot side grounded."

    INNKEEPER: "Warm accommodations, pleasant atmosphere, privacy."

    LAWYER: "We sustain each other."

    MUSICIAN: "Harmony is what we strive for the most"

    BANKER: "What interest us are our kids, our long term investment."

    ATHLETE: "It takes 110%, but no pain, no gain."

    DENTIST: "A nice smile, first thing in the morning and last thing at night."

    PHARMACIST: "Love is the best medicine, and we keep a child-proof cap on our tempers."

    TRUCKER: "It's a long, hard road without a good buddy."

    GOVERNMENT CONTRACTOR: "A good partner is worth billions."

    MAIL CARRIER: "Daily communication."
    ================================================== ===============================================
    Secret Sins

    Three colleagues went to a church for a secret confession and were all sharing one room.
    The first colleague said, "Let's confess our secret sins one to another. I'll start - my secret sin is I just love to gamble. When I go out of town, it's cha-ching cha-ching, let the machines ring."

    The second colleague said, "My secret sin is that I just love to drink. When I go out of town, I like to take a little nip of something."

    The third colleague said, "My secret sin is gossiping and I can't wait to get out of this room!"
    ================================================== ===============================================
    The Millionare with Alligators

    Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

    As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed.

    He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"

    The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!

  10. #1183
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    chris, allow me to add/upgrade a few of mine originals: D hope u like them


    BOTANIST: 'Love and nurturing is the root of life'

    CARPENTER: 'We are jointly glued'

    CIVIL ENGINEER: "A good foundation is important."

    CHIROPRACTOR: 'We rub off each others

    ENTOMOLOGIST: We don't make mountains out of mole hills

    FIREFIGHTER: "We don't flames each other'

    INNKEEPER: "We can sleep together in different room every nights' :p

    LAWYER: "We feed off each other." LOL

    BANKER: 'Real reward come from buy and hold'

    DAY TRADER: 'i'm leasing mine' (remember that craiglist Ad?)

    DENTIST: "We were love bitten'

    TRUCKER: "We're in it for the long haul." (regular couples)

    TRUCKER: "It's a long, hard road without a good buddy." (definitely for gay couples)

    GOVERNMENT CONTRACTOR: "Our union is strong"

    MAIL CARRIER: "I walk the talk"

  11. #1184
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default Senior's Eye Test..

    ..(some of you have probably seen this; if not, get those specs ready)..

    Senior's Eye Test

    Eye test for those over 40 yrs. old

    If you see sheep...

    ...then you need glasses!

    (and I did see sheep...at first.)

  12. #1185
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default The Number of the Beast..

    ..(okay, this one, some of you have probably read; if not, be aware)..

    The Number of the Beast

    OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But did you know:

    $665.95......................Retail price of the Beast
    $699.25......................Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax
    $769.95......................Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
    $656.66......................Walmart price of the Beast
    $646.66......................Next week's Walmart price of the Beast
    00666.........................Zip code of the Beast
    1-666.........................Area code of the Beast
    1-900-666-0666............ Live Beasts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute.
    660............................Approximate number of the Beast
    DCLXVI.....................Roman numeral of the Beast
    666.0000.....................Number of the High Precision Beast
    0.666 .........................Number of the Millibeast
    / 666..........................Beast Common Denominator
    666 ^(-1).....................Imaginary number of the Beast
    1010011010..................Binary of the Beast
    Phillips 666..................Gasoline of the Beast
    $6.66 9/10....................Price of a Beast gasoline
    Route 666....................Way of the Beast
    666 F.........................Oven temperature for roast Beast
    666k..........................Retirement plan of the Beast
    6.66%........................5 year CD rate at First Beast National Bank, $666 minimum deposit.
    i66686........................CPU of the Beast
    666i.......................... BMW of the Beast
    DSM-666.....................Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
    668............................Next-door neighbor of the Beast
    666 mg........................Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
    Lotus 6-6-6...................Spreadsheet of the Beast
    Word 6.66....................Word Processor of the Beast
    6 h. 66 min....................Beast Standard Time (BST)
    Boeing 666....................."A jet for the Beast Age"
    Beverly Hills 66666..........Beast's favorite TV show
    6/6/66..........................The birthdate of the Beast
    666-66-6666..................The Social Security number of the Beast
    6666............................The PIN of the Beast
    25.806975.....................The square root of the Beast
    Motel 666......................Beast Western
    Windows 96 ver.666.........OS of the Beast

  13. #1186
    Moderator Oldhand's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ctjcad View Post
    ..(some of you have probably seen this; if not, get those specs ready)..

    Senior's Eye Test

    Eye test for those over 40 yrs. old

    If you see sheep...

    ...then you need glasses!

    (and I did see sheep...at first.)
    Those ain't sheep but another animal... er, asses

  14. #1187
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default Food funnies for the weekend..

    ..(some of you have probably read these; if not, enjoy & have a nice weekend)..

    THE KEYBOARD RESTAURANT MENU

    \&&&&&&&/ Pretzels!

    \66666666/ Shrimp!

    \********/ Popcorn!

    ^<**>^ ^<**>^ Hot steamed Maryland blue crabs : )

    \_><{{{{">_/ Whole Fish Soup!!

    [Notice how the eyes follow you around the room!]

    [::] [::] [::] [::] Fig Newtons

    (#) (#) (#) Warm Peanut butter cookies

    \--------/ Chicken soup for all your sick friends

    (@) (@) (@) Fresh Cinnamon Rolls!

    OooOOoOooO Onion rings

    [:::] [:::] [:::] French toast sticks with powdered sugar

    =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D# Celery

    \__/ \__/ Chinese Take Out

    \ ) ) ) ) ) / (~~~~~) Chips and Dip

    @@@@ (_) (_) (_) Chocolate Chip cookies and Moo juice

    (|=3D=3D=3D|)(|=3D=3D=3D|) Hot dogs

    (m) (m) (_) (_) M&M's and Koolaid

    o o o o o Single AND O O O O O Double Stuff Oreos!

    <) <) <) <) <) Pizza!

    c(__) c(__) Steaming mugs of hot cocoa!

    [|||]D [|||]D Root Beer!

    (_)D (_)D Freshly brewed coffee!
    ================================================== ==========
    KITCHEN QUOTE

    A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen And This Kitchen Is Delirious

    No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes

    A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House

    If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

    A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

    Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

    A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life

    Help Keep the Kitchen Clean - Eat Out

    Housework Done Properly Can Kill You

    Countless Numbers Of People Have Eaten In This Kitchen and Gone On To Lead Normal Lives

    My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines

  15. #1188
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default This crazy language..

    ..(some of you have probably read this; if not, enjoy)..

    THIS CRAZY LANGUAGE

    Let's face it --English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

    We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

    And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

    Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb thru annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

    If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

    Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

    How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

    Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

    You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

    English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

  16. #1189
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default Mid-week funnies..

    ..(okay, some of you have probably read these; if not, enjoy)..

    Ponderisms

    Can you cry under water?

    How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

    Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

    Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

    Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

    What disease did cured ham actually have?

    How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

    Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

    If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

    Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

    Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

    Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

    Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

    Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

    If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

    Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

    If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

    Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

    If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

    If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

    If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

    Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

    Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

    Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

    Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
    ================================================== ================================================== ========================
    A Teenager is...

    A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.

    A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.

    A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.

    Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.

    A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.

    A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for his/her driver's license.

    A youngster who is well informed about anything s/he doesn't have to study.

    An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.

    A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.

    A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.

    A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.

    A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.

    A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.

    A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.

    An original thinker who is positive that his/her mother was never a teenager.
    ================================================== ================================================== =========================
    Carols For the Psycho Challenged

    SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear?

    DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

    MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...

    PARANOID: Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me

    PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

    OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, ........ (better start again)

    PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On The First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me (and then took it all away)

    BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

  17. #1190
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default Watch the headroom..

    ..(okay, i'm sure some of you have probably seen this video; if not, enjoy..)..
    If you don't laugh @ this, then i don't know what will..Enjoy the weekend, folks!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iA3TVOsqubI
    Last edited by ctjcad; 02-28-2009 at 01:48 AM.

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