Jokes

[cooler]

OMG thats sooo DISGUSTING

So, you mean you don't eat beef, pork or chicken?


http://www.peta.org/

[wubuseah]

mmm.

This is a family oriented site is it not?? A lot of youngens come here and view the content here. I think we owe it to them to keep our content clean....

actually....cooler did edit out some parts to make it clean...try searching for the removed text and u'll understand

[cooler]

Hey, i'm just a messenger.

oops, i've decided to remove the link.
It was a real ad from an 'dating agency'

[bighook]

Another candidate for the Darwin Awards.This is the story of a welder who after a heavy night of drinking showed up on the job site and was to begin oxy/acetyline cutting.Still feeling a little out of it he turned on the oxygen and proceeded to give himself a good few minutes of oxygen to clear his head.Upon feeling better he proceeded to bring a cigarette out and lit it igniting the pure oxygen in his lungs killing himself .This story is relayed to all the welders at the start of their schooling.

[cooler]

Another candidate for the Darwin Awards.This is the story of a welder who after a heavy night of drinking showed up on the job site and was to begin oxy/acetyline cutting.Still feeling a little out of it he turned on the oxygen and proceeded to give himself a good few minutes of oxygen to clear his head.Upon feeling better he proceeded to bring a cigarette out and lit it igniting the pure oxygen in his lungs killing himself .This story is relayed to all the welders at the start of their schooling.

hmm, just my hunch but the chemistry isn't 100% tight

[wilfredlgf]

That's what I thought too. Oxygen combusts only in contact with fire, not heat. And as far as I know oxygen in the lungs are almost instantaneously absorbed into the alveolii, leaving no time for such things to happen.

I think it was one cigarette too much.

[bigredlemon]

That's what I thought too. Oxygen combusts only in contact with fire, not heat.

isn't fire, by definition, the combustion of a fuel in the presence of oxygen?

In any case, I'm having a hard time believing that one as well. Human lungs are just too wet to be combustable.

[Neil Nicholls]

If anything, I would expect that it would be the smoke particles burning.
Small particles, large surface area to volume ratio.

[bighook]

Perhaps I misunderstood but another possibility is that his clothes being oxygen saturated caught on fire.It is just what they told me and perhaps an urban legend to keep others from catching fire to themselves.Another safety precaution when welding or cutting is to never have a bic lighter in your pockets as sparks will ignite the lighter and cause an explosion equivalent to one stick of dynamite.

[FEND.]

A rich and wealthy business man walked into a bank one day to borrow money. He met with the manager and asked to borrow $5000 for 1 week leaving his ferrari sports car as collateral. The bank manager accepted it. In the back of his mind he was wondering why this business man would leave his ferrari as collateral.

1 week later the business man returned and paid back his loan. The bank manager then had the courage to ask him why he left his car as collateral. The businessman said, "Where can I find 1 week secured parking for so cheap in the city."

[Gessle]

A rich and wealthy business man walked into a bank one day to borrow money. He met with the manager and asked to borrow $5000 for 1 week leaving his ferrari sports car as collateral. The bank manager accepted it. In the back of his mind he was wondering why this business man would leave his ferrari as collateral.

1 week later the business man returned and paid back his loan. The bank manager then had the courage to ask him why he left his car as collateral. The businessman said, "Where can I find 1 week secured parking for so cheap in the city."

A blonde girl goes into the bank and asks for a $5000 loan.
She's going on vacation for 5 weeks abroad. Loan officer asks what she has for collateral.
She brings him out to her Rolls Royce. He says fine. They drive the car into the bank parking lot.
They're all laughing at this girl trying to figure out how she could give such an expensive car as collateral on such a small loan.
5 weeks go by and she returns with the money and pays $14.00 in interest.
The banker gives her the keys and asks, "We were wondering why you gave such an expensive car as collateral on such a small loan".
The blonde replies, "where else do you know you can park your car for 5 weeks for $14.00."

[chobo]

there's three guys at work, an asian, a brunette, and a blonde. one day, the brunette says 'you know, i'm sick of getting the same lunch every single day, i'm going to jump off the roof' the other two guys agree and follow him to the roof, and they all jump and die. the three guys had left a note of the reason on why they commited suicide. after, police showed the notes to the wives of these three men. the wives of the asian and brunette were shocked; the wife of the blonde man looked confused, and said, 'i...i don't understand...he packs his own lunch"

[Gessle]

At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth".
The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."

[cooler]

> For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
>
> In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
>
>
>
> If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
>
> 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
>
> 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
>
> 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
>
> 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
>
> 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times! as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
>
> 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
>
> 7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
>
> 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna
>
> 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
>
> 10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

[Dill]

Brilliant, sheer genuis!

[laughable c.]

But then Again by MARY SCHNEIDER

As soon as I picked up the telephone receiver and heard my friend’s
voice on the other end of the line, I figured something was seriously
wrong. If someone calls from London to Penang without even so much as a
“how are you?”, you can guarantee they’re not about to trade cookie
recipes with you.

“I tell you, all men are the same!” she declared after dispensing with
a curt hello. “You’d have thought I would have learnt from my mistakes.
I should never have married again.”

I listened as she went on to condemn her husband of seven months, her
monologue liberally sprinkled with words such as dishonest, deceitful,
insidious, and other more colourful adjectives that can’t be printed in
a family newspaper.

Since I know better than to interrupt a woman scorned, all I could do
was hold the receiver at a safe distance from my ear and grunt at what
I hoped were appropriate moments.

My first impression was that her spouse had been unfaithful, but I
soon realised otherwise.

It seems that during my friend’s courtship days with hubby number two,
he’d told her that he was as passionate about Italian food as she was.
So every Saturday, they would visit her favourite restaurant to have
their fill of pasta and Chianti. Then after they were married, she would
cook an Italian dish several times a week for her new partner.

All was going well until he came home late one evening without calling
ahead to cancel dinner. Consequently, his ravioli had disintegrated
into a congealed mass.

Unable to contain her irritation at his lack of consideration, she
sarcastically enquired if his cell phone battery was dead. He completely
lost it, told her he’d never cared for Italian food and was sick of the
sight of pasta and tomatoes.

In trying to please her during their courtship days, my friend’s
husband hadn’t been entirely honest about his likes and dislikes. His
intentions had been good, but his lack of honesty had backfired.

This incident piqued my curiosity somewhat, so I did a little research
to see if other women had similar experiences to share.

It would appear that the main complaint that many women have is not
the dirty socks lying half way up the stairs, or the compulsion for male
fingers to caress the TV remote control more than they caress the woman
of the house. No, it’s a lack of openness and directness: beating
around the bush and not telling it as it should be told.

Marital fibs aside, and what man is brave enough to tell his wife that
her bottom does look big in a particular pair of pants, most women said
they hated the parting phrase: “I’ll see you around, then!” Something
that men often say in the early days of dating.

What exactly does “I’ll see you around, then!” mean? Around where?
Gurney Plaza? Jalan Ampang? Taman Negara?

I’ll tell you what it means. It means that the man is thinking:
“Tonight wasn’t the Earth-moving experience I thought it would be, and if we
meet again it will only be by accident.”

Another parting expression that displays a high degree of evasiveness
is the ubiquitous “I’ll be in touch!” What a wet! A woman needs to know
when.

Some men seem to be oblivious to the fact that the female of the
species will often restructure entire routines just to be within constant
earshot of the telephone when there is a remote possibility that a date
will call.

I once knew a woman who attached a 10m extension chord to her
telephone – this was way before the advent of cordless phones – just in case
the object of her desires decided to call while she was in the bathroom.

She would shower with the merest trickle of water and never vacuumed
her apartment (too noisy) for the two weeks it took her to finally
realise that the man was never going to be in touch.

Of course, cell phones have eliminated this problem to a certain
degree. You can now do away with the long extension cord, but there is still
the interminable waiting and wondering to contend with.

It’s easy for women to complain about men and their ineptitude at
shooting straight, simply because traditional roles dictate that men are
the ones who usually initiate dates and follow-up calls, at least in the
early stages of a relationship. However, there are moments when some
women can be less than honest – out of politeness, of course.

I once went out on a blind date with a man who suffered from severe
halitosis. His breath was so bad that I spent most of the evening
breathing through my mouth, making me sound as if I had a bad cold.

At the end of the evening, as he was about to lean over and kiss me
goodnight, I held up my hand in front of him like a traffic policeman and
stopped him before he had the chance to pucker up. “Germs!” I said
pointing at my throat. I then threw myself into the throes of a violent
coughing fit – a performance befitting an Oscar.

“I’ll be in touch, then,” he said, as he disappeared into the night.

The next day, he called me and asked for another date. There was only
one thing I could do: tell him the truth.

“I’m sorry,” I said, “but I don’t think we’re all that compatible.”

“Why not?” he asked.

“Well, I’m not sure how to put this, but ? em ? well, it’s like this ?
I don’t usually get on well with men with bushy eyebrows.”

Two days later, he appeared on my doorstep with bad breath and small
eyebrows.

After getting rid of him, I never saw him again. I just hope he didn’t
wait by the telephone too long.

<lol>

[ctjcad]

The old folks no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes
gas and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The
old man replied, "It's fart football"
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says" Touchdown,
tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and
says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7." Not to be outdone the wife rips out
another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
"Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressures on the old man.
He refuses to get beat by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and
accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, "What was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."