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Thread: Jokes

  1. #1446
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    This is alarming!

    Beer contains female hormones!


    Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!


    Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.


    The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.



    To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schoonersof beer within a one (1) hour period.


    It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects,yes, 100% of all these men:



    1) Argued over nothing.
    2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.


    3) Gained weight.
    4) Talked excessively without making sense.


    5) Became overly emotional
    6) Couldn't drive.


    7) Failed to think rationally, and


    8) Had to sit down while urinating.
    No further testing was considered necessary!






    Send this to the men you know
    to warn them about drinking too much beer!



    Cheers,

  2. #1447
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    FLIGHT CONVERSATION WITH A KID

    A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane
    when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's
    talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike
    up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

    The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it
    slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like
    to talk about?'

    'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How
    about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

    'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting
    topic. But let me ask
    you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat
    the same stuff - grass
    - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
    out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried
    grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

    The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's
    intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have
    no idea.'

    To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel
    qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know
    ****?

  3. #1448
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    While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.

    After finishing their meal, they left the
    restaurant, and resumed their trip.When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving forabout forty minutes.

    By then, to add to the aggravation, they
    had to travel quite a distance before They could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

    All the way back, the elderly husband
    became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He justwouldn't let up for a single minute.
    To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
    As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,
    While you're in there, you might as well
    get my hat and the credit card.
    This coming week is National Senior Mental
    Health Week. You can do YOUR part by remembering to contact at least one unstable Senior to show you care.
    I havenow done MY part.

  4. #1449
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    Subject: Mary of KL




    A Sikh man is walking along Jalan Bukit Bintang, in Kuala Lumpur one night and a very gorgeous girl catches his eye.







    He strikes up a conversation with her, and quickly discovers that she is one of those "exclusive" ladies-of-the-trade.







    "How much do you charge?", asks Gerdial Singh







    Mary replies, "It starts at 500 ringgit for a hand-job."







    Gerdial says, "500 ringgit for a hand-job? No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"







    With a saucy flick of her eyelashes, Mary says, "Do you see that Mary Restaurant on the corner?"




    "Yes."




    "Do you see the next Mary's about another block further down?"




    "Yes."




    "And beyond that, do you see the third Mary's, just by the side of the old Cathay cinema?"




    "Yes."




    "Well," says Mary, smiling invitingly, "I own those.







    And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth 500 ringgit."







    Gerdial then exclaims, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."







    They retire to the nearby Marriott Hotel.







    A short time later, Mr Gerdial Singh is sitting on the bed realising that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of 500 ringgit.







    He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is 1,000 ringgit?"







    Mary replies, "RM1,500."




    "I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"




    Mary then says, while signalling Gerdial to come closer to her.








    "Come closer to this window, big boy. Do you see that bank just across the junction to Jalan Sultan Ismail?







    I own that bank outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every sen of 1,500 ringgit !"







    And poor Gerdial, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off his intended new mobile phone and says, "Give it to me !!!"







    Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.







    Mr Singh can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.







    He decides to dip into what else he may have left with him for one more glorious and unforgettable experience.







    He then asks Mary,"How much for some pussy?"







    Mary replies, "Come over here to this other window, I want to show you something.







    Do you see how the whole city of Kuala Lumpur is laid out before us ..... all those beautiful lights, banks .... corporate offices .... business houses ..... and big-&-small shops and places?"







    "Wowwww !!" Gerdial shouts out in awe, "You own the whole city ??"







    "No," Mary replies, "but I would if I had a pussy.



























  5. #1450
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    Why does it have to be a golf club, and NOT a badminton club ? :-)

    Quote Originally Posted by extremenanopowe View Post
    [FONT='arial narrow', sans-serif]Overheard at a Golf Club changing room[/FONT]

    [FONT='arial narrow', sans-serif]

    A bunch of blokes are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

    BLOKE: "Hello"
    WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"
    BLOKE: "Yes"
    WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat.
    It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
    BLOKE: "Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much."

    WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
    BLOKE: "How much?"
    WOMAN: "$100,000"
    BLOKE: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

    WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
    BLOKE: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price."
    WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
    BLOKE: "Bye! I love you, too." The bloke hangs up.

    The other blokes in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

    He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
    [/FONT]
    [FONT='arial narrow', sans-serif]
    [/FONT]

  6. #1451
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    baddys are poor people.... just take a look... lol. Any Tiger Woods around?

  7. #1452
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    Men Are Like...

    ... Blenders.
    You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

    ... Chocolate Bars.
    Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

    ... Coffee.
    The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

    ... Commercials.
    You can't believe a word they say.

    ... Computers.
    Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

    ... Coolers.
    Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

    ... Copiers.
    You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

    ... Curling Irons.
    They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

    ... Government Bonds.
    They take way too long to mature.

    ... Horoscopes.
    They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

    ... Lava Lamps.
    Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

    ... Mascara.
    They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

    ... Parking Spots.
    The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small.

    ... Popcorn.
    They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

    ... Weather.
    Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

  8. #1453
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    What does Women and Geography have in common

    Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half
    discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile
    soil.

    Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America , well
    developed and open to trade, especially for someone
    with cash.

    Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India , very hot,
    relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

    Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France , gently
    aging; but still warm and a desirable place to visit.

    Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain ,
    with a glorious and all conquering past.

    Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia , lost
    some wars, won some great battles but haunted by
    past mistakes, still very strong and proud.

    Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia , very
    wide and borders are now largely un-patrolled.

    After 70, she becomes Tibet . Off the beaten path,
    with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the
    ages...still desirable but only those with an
    adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge
    and true love, dare visit there.

  9. #1454
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    Dear Wife,
    I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit yourjob today & that was the last straw.
    Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a
    new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of yoursoaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; You don't want *** or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; Whatever the case, I'm gone.
    Your EX-Husban d

    P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
    -
    -

    -
    -
    -
    Dear Ex-Husband
    Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, Iquit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone..

    Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
    Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

    P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem."

  10. #1455
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    Wife's....​...Have A Good Laugh


    Every Wife is a "Mistress" for her Husband.
    "Miss" for one hour & "Stress" for the rest 23 hours!

    The are 2 times when a Man doesn't understand a Woman.
    Before Marriage and After Marriage.

    My Husband And I Divorced Over Religious Differences.
    He Thought He Was God, and I Didn't.

    Marriage Is Like A Public Toilet.
    Those Waiting Outside Are Desperate To Get In & Those Inside Are Desperate To Come Out.

    Why Were Hurricanes Usually Named After Women?

    Because When They Arrive, They're wet and wild,
    But When They Go, They Take Your House And Car...

    A Man Goes To The Wizard To Ask If He Can Remove A Curse He Has Been Living With For The Last 40 Years.

    The Wizard Says, "Maybe, But You Will Have To Tell Me The Exact Words That Were Used To Put The Curse On You.
    "The Man Says Without Hesitation, "I Now Pronounce You Man And Wife."

    Husband Searching Keywords on Google `How to Tackle Wife? Google Search Result, "Still Searching`.

    A Man Goes To A Shrink And Says, "Doctor, My Wife Is Unfaithful To Me. Every Evening, She Goes To Larry's Bar And Picks Up Men.
    In Fact, She Sleeps With Anybody Who Asks Her! I'm Going Crazy. What Do You Think I Should Do?" "Relax," Says The Doctor,
    "Take A Deep Breath And Calm Down. Now, Tell Me, Exactly Where Is Larry's Bar?"

    Husband Throwing Darts at His Wife's Photo and Not Even a Single One Hitting the Target... From Another Room
    Wife Called The Husband: Honey What Are You Doing...Husband:"MISSING YOU"...

    A Man Goes To See The Rabbi. "Rabbi, Something Terrible Is Happening And I Have To Talk To You About It."

    The Rabbi Asked, "What's Wrong?"
    The Man Replied, "My Wife Is Poisoning Me."
    The Rabbi, Very Surprised By This, Asks, "How Can That Be?"
    The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what I should do?"
    The Rabbi Then Offers, "Tell You What. Let Me Talk to Her, I'll See What I Can Find out and I'll Let You Know."
    The Rabbi Calls after a while And Says, "Well, I Spoke To Her For Three Hours. You Want My Advice?"
    The Man Said "Yes"
    The Rabbi Replied, "Take the poison"

    THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...

    Women are like phones:
    They like to be held,
    talked to and
    touched often.
    But push the wrong button
    and you're disconnected......


    Difference Between Complete & Finish...

    People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISH.

    But there is... When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE.... And when you marry the wrong one,
    you are FINISHED..... And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ... COMPLETELY FINISHED!

    Romantic SMS Romantic...SMS She sends the following message:

    My love if you're sleeping, send me your dreams
    If you're smiling, send me your smile
    If you're crying, send me your tears
    I love you
    He Replied: I'm in the toilet. What do I send?

  11. #1456
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    Know About The Religious Bras







    Now totally befuddled,
    The man asked about
    The differences between them.
    The Saleslady responded,
    "It is all really quite simple. .(you can switch the religions if you prefer?)







    The Catholic type
    Supports the masses;


    The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
    The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; and
    The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."




    Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used
    To define bra sizes?
    If you have wondered why,
    But couldn't figure out
    What the letters stood for,
    It is about time
    You became informed!






    (A} Almost Boobs...
    {B} Barely there...
    {C} Can't Complain!...
    {D} Dang!...
    {DD} Double dang!......
    {E} Enormous!...
    {F} Fake...
    {G} Get a Reduction...
    {H} Help me, I've fallen
    And I can't get up!...






    Send this to
    All that will appreciate it!

  12. #1457
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    A free haircut




    A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment: shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. he placed the boy in the chair.

    "I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

    When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you.

    " "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

  13. #1458
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    The Gunfighter



    A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.

    The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot...

    'Could you give me some tips?' he asked.

    The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

    'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'

    'Sure will '

    The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

    'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?'

    'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that'll give you a smoother draw'

    'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

    'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

    The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

    'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

    The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

    The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

    'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

    'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

    'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your A*s and it won't hurt as much.

  14. #1459
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    Things That Are Difficult To Say When You're Drunk

    1. Innovative
    2. Preliminary
    3. Proliferation
    4. Cinnamon

    Things That Are Very Difficult To Say When You're Drunk

    1. Specificity
    2. Anti-constitutionalistically
    3. Passive-aggressive disorder
    4. Transubstantiate

    Things That Are Downright Impossible To Say When You're Drunk

    1. Thanks, but I don't want to have ***.
    2. Nope, no more booze for me!
    3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
    4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
    5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
    6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
    7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
    8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
    9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to piss in thisparking lot or on the road side.
    10. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.

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    7 True Facts About Girl Friends



    Believe It!- (Based on Research of Frustrated BF's)

    1. Most Important Thing For
    a GF Is FINANCIAL SECURITY !

    2. Although This Is Important,
    They Still Go Out & Buy Expensive Clothes(And that too from their bf's budget)

    3. Although They Always BuyExpensive Clothes, According to them, they Never Have Anything Good To Wear ! (For that too BF is held responsible)

    4. Although They Never Have Nothing Good To Wear They Always Dress Beautifully !

    5. Although They Always Dress Beautifully, They Are Never Satisfied !

    6. Although They Are Never Satisfied, They Always Expect their BF To Compliment Them !

    7. Although They Expect BF To Compliment Them, When They Do They Don't Believe Them ...

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    Boy: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
    Girl: Do you want me to leave?
    Boy: NO! Don’t even think about it.
    Girl: Do you love me?
    Boy: Of course! Over and over!
    Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
    Boy: NO! Why are you even asking?
    Girl: Will you hug me?
    Boy: Every chance I get!
    Girl: Will you beat me up?
    Boy: Are you crazy! I’m not that kind of person!
    Girl: Can I trust you?
    Boy: Yes.
    Girl: Darling!

    After marriage – - – simply read from bottom to top.

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    The Goat And The Horse

    There was a farmer who collected horses; he only needed one more
    breed to complete his collection. One day, he found out that his
    neighbor had the particular horse breed he needed. So, he constantly

    bothered his neighbor until he sold it to him.

    A month later, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said:
    - Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I'll
    come back on the 3rd day and if he's not better, we're going to have to put
    him down.

    Nearby, the goat listened closely to their conversation.

    The next day, they gave him the medicine and left. The goat approached
    the horse and said:
    - Be strong, my friend. Get up or else they're going to put you to sleep!

    On the second day, they gave him the medicine and left. The goat came
    back and said:
    - Come on buddy, get up or else you're going to die! Come on, I'll help you
    get up. Let's go! One, two, three...

    On the third day, they came to give him the medicine and the vet said:
    - Unfortunately, we're going to have to put him down tomorrow. Otherwise, the
    virus might spread and infect the other horses.

    After they left, the goat approached the horse and said:
    - Listen pal, it's now or never! Get up, come on! Have courage! Get up! That's
    it, slowly! Great! Good, Now faster, Fantastic! Run, run more!

    Yes! You did it, you're a champion!!!

    All of a sudden, the owner came back, saw the horse running in the field and
    began shouting:
    - It's a miracle! My horse is cured. This deserves a party. Let's kill the goat!


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