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Thread: Jokes

  1. #1463
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    It's a sad story instead of a joke.

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    HE Vs SHE (After Marriage)




    This is the best and most civil way to have a fight between husband and wife instead of resorting to physical force...
    Poems written by WIFE and HUSBAND.



    WIFE:
    I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
    I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
    Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.

    HUSBAND:
    God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
    He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
    He saw me in the dark, he created light.
    He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

    WIFE:
    Twinkle twinkle little star
    You should know what you are
    And once you know what you are
    Mental hospital is not so far

    HUSBAND:
    The rain makes all things beautiful.
    The grass and flowers too.
    If rain makes all things beautiful
    Why doesn't it rain on you?

    WIFE:
    Roses are red; Violets are blue
    Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
    Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
    Not in cage but outside, laughing at you
    AND THE SAGA CONTINUES........
    Position of a Husband Is just like a Split AC
    No matter however Loud he is in the Outdoor
    He is designed to remain Silent indoor...
    .................................................. ...................
    "Husband is one who is the head of the family,
    but his wife is the neck, and whichever way she turns, he goes."
    .................................................. ......................
    A man in Hell asked Devil:
    Can I make a call to my Wife?
    After making call he asked how much to pay.
    Devil : Nothing, Hell to hell is Free.
    .................................................. ..............
    Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
    It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!
    Wife: No darling, it means - With Idiot For Ever
    .................................................. .........................
    Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,
    So I'd be in your hands all day.

    Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,
    So I could have a new one every day.
    .................................................. ...............
    Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping Pills.
    Wife: When must I give them to him?
    Doctor: They are for you
    .................................................. .................
    Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are..
    Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.
    .................................................. ..................
    Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ?
    Husband: A lovely Push...!

    and life goes on........

  3. #1465
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    Which is the oldest profession?


    A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, “Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.”



    The engineer replied, “But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine.”

    Then, the lawyer spoke up. “Yes,” he said, “But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?”

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    Life chapters



    6 weeks: I love U, I love U, I love U
    6 months: Of course I love U
    6 years: GOD, if I didn’t love U, then why the hell did I propose?

    Back from Work:
    6 weeks: Honey, I’m home
    6 months: BACK!!
    6 years: What did your mom cook for us today?



    Gifts:
    6 weeks: Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
    6 months: I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living Room.
    6 years: Here’s the money. Buy yourself something.

    Phone Ringing:
    6 weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
    6 months: Here, for you.
    6 years: PHONE RINGING.

    Cooking:
    6 weeks: I never knew food could taste so good!
    6 months: What are we having for dinner tonight?
    6 years: AGAIN!!

    Apology:
    6 weeks: Honey muffin, don’t you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
    6 months: Watch out! Don’t do it again.
    6 years: What’s not to understand about what I just said??

    New Dress:
    6 weeks: Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
    6 months: You bought a new dress again?
    6 years: How much did THAT cost me?

    Planning for Vacations:
    6 weeks: How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound?
    6 months: What’s so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane?
    6 years: Travel? What’s so bad about staying home?

    TV shows:
    6 weeks: Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
    6 months: I like this movie.
    6 years: I’m going to watch ESPN, if you’re not in the mood, go to Bed, I can stay up by myself!

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    Microsoft's Bill Gates decided not to invest further in Punjab after receiving a letter from Mr Banta Singh .
    To : Bill Gates, MicrosoftFrom : Banta Singh of Punjab Date : 1 April 2009Subject : Problems with my new computer Dear Mr. Bill Gates,We bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.. 1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.2. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.3. There is 'Find' button but it is not working. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot to trace the key with this ' find 'button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.4. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that? 5. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'My Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?6. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.7. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.8. You provide 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?9. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours. Regards,Banta
    Last one Mr. Bill Gates
    P.S: "Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but you are selling WINDOWS ?










































  6. #1468
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    GET OUT and don't come back

    If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

    Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

    On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

    He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

    A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

    The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay.

    Now GET OUT and don't come back."

    Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

    From across the room a voice said, "He is the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."


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    Daddy: What animal is in this picture?
    Little daughter: Deer.
    Daddy: No. This is horse.

    Daddy: How bout this picture? What is this animal?
    Little daughter: Tiger.
    Daddy: No. This is lion.

    Until her daddy suddenly showing a picture of gorilla...
    Daddy: Now, what animal is this?
    Little daughter: Daddy.

  8. #1470
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    History is Child's Play




    The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.


    Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

    She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodiakia bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775', he said.

    'Very good!'

    Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

    Again, no response except from Little Hodiaki, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

    'Excellent!', said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult...'

    Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

    Once again, Hodiaki's was the only hand in the air and he said: 'John F.Kennedy, 1961'.

    The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Hodiaki isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'

    She heard a loud whisper: 'F . . K the Japs,'

    'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.

    Little Hodiaki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

    At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

    The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?'

    Again, Little Hodiaki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

    Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

    Little Hodiaki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

    Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little sh*t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

    Little Hodiaki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'

    The teacher fainted.

    As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh sh*t, We're screwed!'

    Little Hodiaki said quietly, 'The Australian people, 2011.'

  9. #1471
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    Check your 'sent' emails



    It's wise to remember how easily email -- this wonderful technology -- can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Read this short funny story

    An Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

    When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

    Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
    When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

    At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

    Dearest Wife,

    Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

    P.S. Sure is hot down here

  10. #1472
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    THE SWANKY COSTUME PARTY




    A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested,

    but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.

    So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party.

    In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

    She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and having a little kiss here and a little kiss there.

    His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

    She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed,

    So off they went to one of the cars and had a wonderful time..

    Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

    She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing.

    You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

    Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys,

    So we went into the den and played poker all evening.

    But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to!"

  11. #1473
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    Age factor!




    A group of 40 year old buddies discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitresses there had low cut blouses and were very young.

    Ten years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was better than most places and the wine selection was extensive.

    Ten years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

    Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and they even had an elevator.

    Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before!'

  12. #1474
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    Husband Store



    A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men…

    The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

    There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.



    So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

    On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

    Floor 1 – These men have jobs.
    The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?”

    So up she goes.

    The second floor sign reads:

    Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids.
    The woman remarks to herself, “That’s great, but I wonder what’s further up?” And up she goes again.

    The third floor sign reads:

    Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
    “Hmmm, better” she says. “But I wonder what’s upstairs?”

    The fourth floor sign reads:

    Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
    “Wow!” exclaims the woman, “very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!” And again she heads up another flight.

    The fifth floor sign reads:

    Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
    “Oh, mercy me! But just think… what must be awaiting me further on?” So up to the sixth floor she goes.

    The sixth floor sign reads:

    Floor 6 – You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor.
    There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

    Thank you for shopping at The Husband Store and have a nice day.

  13. #1475
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    Eternal One Liners

    Advertisement In A Long Island Shop:
    Guitar, for sale ... Cheap ... no strings attached.


    Ad In Hospital Waiting Room:
    Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time!


    Seen on a bulletin board:
    Success Is Relative. More The Success, More The Relatives.


    When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking ... I Gave Up Reading.


    My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses ...
    He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.

  14. #1476
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    JOKES


    If you marry one woman

    If you marry one woman, She will fight with you.


    But, if you marry 2 women, They will fight for you.


    Think different. Add wife, have life





    Never laugh at your wife's choices

    Never laugh at your wife's choices
    You are one of them


    Never be proud of your choices
    Your wife is one of them





    Banta thought LOL meant ??

    Banta thought LOL meant.?? Lots of Love.!! So....,


    He sent it in the following text 2 his GIRL FRIEND -


    You are the only girl in my life..LOL...





    A guy sitting with his girlfriend

    A guy sitting with his girlfriend, drinking beer says, "I love you".


    Girl asks "Is it you or the beer talking?".


    Boy replies, "Its me. Talking to my beer."





    As per research

    As per research


    A man speaks 25,000 words daily & A woman speaks 30,000


    Problem starts when husband comes home from office after consuming his 25,000 words


    & wife starts her 30,000..

  15. #1477
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    Subject: Adultery



    An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery. During one Sunday’s sermon he told them, “If one more person confesses to adultery, I’ll quit!???

    Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: “fallen.??? From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had “fallen.??? This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.

    Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. “You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can’t believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!??? The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.

    But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said, “I don’t know why you’re laughing; your wife fell three times last week!???



















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    Few laws Newton forgot to state





    LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

    LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

    LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated withgrease, your nose will begin to itch.

    LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

    LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

    BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

    LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

    LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machinewon't work, it will!


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    got it?
    Whats The Matter Honey...?




    A wife awoke early one morning to the sounds of her husband angrily banging around pots and pans in the kitchens.

    When she goes downstairs, she sees that he is looking for something to eat but, more importantly, is very upset aboutsomething.


    "What's the problem, darling? Didn't your program work?"

    "It worked. I wrote that code until the wee hours of the morning, and it worked!"


    "Then what's the matter? Were there a lot of bugs in it?"

    "I took special pains to eliminate the bugs. It worked, and it worked perfectly!"


    "So what's wrong?"

    "I was so tired when I finished, I decided to take a little nap, just for a few minutes."


    "Did you not sleep well? Did you have a nightmare?" the concerned wife inquired.

    "No, I slept perfectly well ... with my head on the backspace key."

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