User Tag List

Page 9 of 102 FirstFirst 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 59 ... LastLast
Results 137 to 153 of 1719

Thread: Jokes

  1. #137
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Home / Office
    Posts
    236
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
    The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
    The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"
    The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
    The first kid says, "A circumcision."
    And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

  2. #138
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Home / Office
    Posts
    236
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    There were 3 guys in a car, their names were Shut Up, Manners, and Poop. Poop fell out of the car on Main St, Manners tried to pick him up, Shut Up went to the Police Station, the Policeman said, 'What's your name?'
    'Shut up'
    'What's your name?'
    'Shut Up'
    'What's your name?'
    'Shut Up'
    'Where are your manners?'
    'Down on Main St. picking up Poop.'

  3. #139
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    PJ, Mal
    Posts
    584
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Thumbs up

    this is funny.

    A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now...cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train...cause we're going down thetracks."

    The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language."

    Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train; stopped and the mother heard her son say..."All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding, remember, there is nosmoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

    As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen...."

  4. #140
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    u.s.a.
    Posts
    19,157
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    .

    >
    > One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
    >sweatshirt.
    >Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,"What
    >setting do I use on the washing machine?"
    >
    >"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
    >
    >He yelled back, "University of North Carolina."
    >
    > And they say blondes are dumb....
    >
    > ______________________

    >He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
    >
    >She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
    > ______________________
    >
    >A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding
    >anniversary.
    > On their special day, a good fairy came to them and said that because
    >they
    >had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special
    >wish.
    >
    >The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
    >
    >Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
    >
    >
    >The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger.
    >
    > Whoosh! Immediately he turned ninety!!!
    >
    >Gotta love that fairy!
    >
    > __________________
    >
    >
    >
    > A PRAYER
    >
    >
    > Dear Lord,
    >
    > I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
    >
    > Love to forgive him;
    >
    > And Patience for his moods.
    >
    > Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
    >
    > I'll beat him to death.
    >
    >__________________________________
    >
    >
    >A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from
    >Phoenix to Flagstaff, Arizona (about 140 miles). He got as
    >far as Black Canyon City (about 40 miles) before the
    >mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.
    >
    >He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a
    >single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled
    >over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't
    >fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of
    >rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He
    >tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he
    >was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that
    >he would slow down.
    >
    >Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly,
    >another Corvette blew past them. Not to be out done, the
    >Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short
    >distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over
    >120 MPH, blew through a speed trap.
    >
    >The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and
    >radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes
    >headed his way at over 120 MPH.
    >
    >He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this,
    >but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass."

  5. #141
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Home / Office
    Posts
    236
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    This was an assignment for a student who is taking English as a second language. Keep this in mind when reading this one. Lim Ah Toy, a Chinese student, was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10. Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1. This is what he came up with.

    "1 day I go 2 climb up a 3 outside a house to peep. But couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rush out and want to 5 with me. I run until I feel 6 and throw up. I go to 7 eleven and grab some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab him. 10 God he run away. So, I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7 eleven. Next day, I call my boss and say I am 6. He said 5, tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also ask me to climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand, I so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1. THE END."

    and Lim Ah Toy graduated from his ESL class with honor.

  6. #142
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    PJ, Mal
    Posts
    584
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Thumbs up things people actually said in court

    Things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

    Q: Are you sexually active?
    A: No, I just lie there.

    Q: What is your date of birth?
    A: July 18th
    Q: What year?
    A: Every year.

    Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    A: I forget.
    Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?

    Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
    Q: How long has he lived with you?
    A: Forty-five years.

    Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when
    he woke up that morning?
    A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
    Q: And why did that upset you?
    A: My name is Susan.

    Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
    voodoo or the occult?
    A: We both do.
    Q: Voodoo.
    A: We do.
    Q: You do?
    A: Yes, voodoo.

    Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his
    sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
    A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

    Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And what were you doing at that time?

    Q: She had three children, right?
    A: Yes.
    Q: How many were boys?
    A: None.
    Q: Were there any girls?

    Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
    A: By death.
    Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

    Q: Can you describe the individual?
    A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    Q: Was this a male, or a female?

    Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
    deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
    people?
    A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

    Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
    go to?
    A: Oral.

    Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
    A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
    doing an autopsy.

    Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

    Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
    for a pulse?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for breathing?
    A: No.
    Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
    you began the autopsy?
    A: No.
    Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    Q: But could the patient have still been alive,
    nevertheless?
    A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
    law somewhere.

    Courtesy of datase.com
    Last edited by Anatolii; 03-02-2005 at 01:30 AM.

  7. #143
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    PJ, Mal
    Posts
    584
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    “When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”
    Henny Youngman.

    ~


  8. #144
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Location
    Basement Boiler Room
    Posts
    22,118
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    moses didn't get his magic touch until after he went up to mount sinai

  9. #145
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    PJ, Mal
    Posts
    584
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default



    ~
    “Two beer or not two beer” - Shakesbeer

    ~
    ROF

  10. #146
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    PJ, Mal
    Posts
    584
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    I would have gotten out today

    A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn’t in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. “What’s the matter, dear?” she asks. “Why are you down here at this time of night?”

    The husband looks up from his coffee, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?” he asks solemnly.

    “Yes, I do,” she replies.

    “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?”

    “Yes, I remember,” says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

    The husband continues, “Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I’ll send you to jail for 20 years?’”

    “I remember that, too,” she replies softly.

    He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, “I would have gotten out today.”

    *********


    *****************

    DOUBLE ROF
    Last edited by Anatolii; 03-02-2005 at 11:17 PM.

  11. #147
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    u.s.a.
    Posts
    19,157
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default :).

    MADE IN JAPAN

    There was a Japanese who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport.

    During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the Japanese leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"

    After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

    And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"

    The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars.

    Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300. The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"

    Thereupon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"
    ================================================== ================================================== ===========
    OH MY GOD

    Four mothers got together and were discussing their sons.

    "Our family has a Royal blood." said the first proud woman. "When my son enters a room, people look at him and say, 'Oh, Your Highness'"

    The second mother went on, "My son is a bishop. When he enters a room, people say, 'Oh, Your Excellency'"

    "My son is a cardinal." continued the next one. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Oh, Your Eminence'"

    The fourth mother thought for a moment. "My son is short, weighs 185 kilos, and bald," she said, "When he enters a room, people look at him and say, 'Oh My God !'"
    ================================================== ================================================== ===========
    DAY OFF

    Let's say that you're asking for a day off to your boss.
    Now, let's see what might happen ;-)

    Your boss might think:
    So you want a day off, let's take a look at what you are asking for.

    There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have two days off per week, leaving 261 day availiable for work.

    Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving onl 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break that accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. with a one hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

    You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work. We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

    We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work, and I'll be damned if you're going to take that day off!!!
    ================================================== ================================================== ===========
    MYSTICS BETWEEN LINCOLN & KENNEDY

    Think about this . . .

    Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
    John F. Kennedy was elected to Congess in 1946.

    Abrahan Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
    John F. Kennedy wass elected President in 1960.

    The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
    Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
    Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

    Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both were shot in the head.

    Here is an interesting one . . .

    Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
    Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

    Both were assassinated by Southerners.
    Both succeeded by Southerners.
    Both successors were named Johnson.

    Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
    Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy was born in 1908.

    John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
    Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.

    Both assassins were known by their three names.
    Both names comprise fifteen letters.
    Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
    Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre.

    To cap it all off, Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

    Little known fact:

    One week before Lincoln's death, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
    One week before Kennedy's death, he was in Marilyn Monroe.
    ================================================== ================================================== ===========
    FLATUATION EXPLAINED

    WHAT ARE YOU???
    VAIN: A person who loves the smell of his own farts

    AMIABLE: A person who loves the smell of other people's farts

    PROUD: A person who thinks his farts are exceptionally fine

    SHY: A person who releases silent farts and then blushes

    IMPUDENT: A person who boldly farts out loud and then laughs

    UNFORTUNATE: A person who tries awfully hard to fart but shits instead

    SCIENTIFIC: A person who farts regularly but is only concerned about pollution

    NERVOUS: A person who stops in the middle of his fart

    HONEST: A person who admits he farted but offers good medical reasons

    DISHONEST: A person who farts and then blames the dog

    FOOLISH: A person who suppresses a fart for hours and hours

    THRIFTY: A person who has several good farts in reserve

    ANTI-SOCIAL: A person who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy

    STRATEGIC: A person who conceals his farts with loud coughing

    SADISTIC: A person who farts in bed and then fluffs the cover over his bedmate.

    INTELLECTUAL: A person who can determine from the smell of his neighbor's fart precisely the latest food item consumed

    ATHLETIC: A person who farts at the slightest exertion

    MISERABLE: A person who would truly love to, but can't fart at all

    SENSITIVE: A person who farts and then starts crying

    ================================================== ================================================== ===========
    Automobile Acronyms

    AUDI - Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
    Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

    BMW - Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
    Big Money Works
    Bought My Wife
    Brutal Money Waster

    BUICK - Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

    CHEVROLET - Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
    Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

    DODGE - Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
    Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

    FIAT - Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
    Fix It All the Time
    Fix it again, Tony!

    FORD - backwards -- Driver Returns On Foot
    First On Recall Day
    First On Rust and Deterioration
    Fix Or Repair Daily
    Found On Road, Dead
    Fault Of R&D
    Fast Only Rolling Downhill
    Found On Road Dead
    Fix Or Repair Daily
    Faster on Race Day

    GM - General Maintenance

    GMC - Garage Man's Companion
    Gotta Mechanic Coming?

    HONDA - Had One Never Did Again

    HYUNDAI - Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...

    MAZDA - Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

    NISSAN - Needs increasingly special spendy automotive necessities

    OLDSMOBILE - Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday.
    Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment

    SAAB - Send Another Automobile Back
    Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.

    TOYOTA - Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

    VOLVO - Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

    VW - Virtually Worthless

    ================================================== ================================================== ===========
    ALTERNATIVE ABBREVIATIONS FOR AIRLINE COMPANIES

    AA (American Airlines) - Always Awful

    ALITALIA - Always Late In Takeoff Always Late In Arrival
    - Air Line In Tokyo And Luggage In Amsterdam

    BOAC (British Overseas Airways Corp.) - Better On A Camel - Bloody Old and Careless

    CA (China Airlines) - Choose Another

    CAAC (Chinese Avation Airl.Comp.) - Chinese Airline Always Canceled
    (Civil Aviation Authority of China ?) - China Airlines Almost (Always) crashes

    CPA (Canadian Airl.Intl.) - Can't Promise Anything
    (New code CAI) - Crash And Ignite
    - Call Ambulance Immediately
    - Circle Airport Indefinitely
    - Cancel Alaskan Itinerary
    - Check All Items

    DELTA - Don't Ever Leave The Airport
    - Don't Even Let Them Aboard (referring to the arabs?)
    - Departing Even Later Than Anticipated

    ELAL - Every Landing Always Late

    GARUDA - Good And Reliable, Unfortunately Delay Always
    - Go And Risk Uncertain Departure and Arrival

    JAT (Yugoslav Airlines) - Joke About Time

    LOT (Polish Airlines) - Last One There
    - Luggage On Tarmack (wave 'bye!)

    PA (Philippine Airways) - Please Avoid

    PAL (Phil. Airlines) - Philippines Always Late

    PAN AM - Plan On Arriving Nervewracked And Mad

    PIA (Pakistan Intl.Airl) - Panic In Air
    - Perhaps I Arrive

    QANTAS - Queer And Nasty Types As Stewards

    SABENA (Belgium) - Such A Bad Experience, Never Again

    SAHSA (Servicio Aero Honduras SA) - Stay At Home, Stay Alive

    SAS (Scandinavian Airl. System) - Sweet And Sexy

    SIA - System Ini Ada

    TACA - Take A Chance Airline

    TAP (Portuguese Airl.) - Take Another Plane

    TWA (Transworld Airl.) - Travel Without Arrival
    - Terrorist Welcome Aboard
    - Teenie Weenie Airlines
    - Traveling Without Air
    - Tiny Wings Aflappin'!!!!!

  12. #148
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Location
    Basement Boiler Room
    Posts
    22,118
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default Automobile Acronyms

    may i add:

    GM - garbage motors

    FORD - first on race day (from ford fans)

    KIA - kill in accident

  13. #149
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Location
    San Jose, California
    Posts
    1,642
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    FORD - Found On the Road Dead.

  14. #150
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Home / Office
    Posts
    236
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    BMW
    - Black Market Woman
    - Best Man Wins

  15. #151
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Perth, Australia
    Posts
    2,784
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Gessle
    BMW
    - Black Market Woman
    - Best Man Wins
    z

    Bring more worries.
    Bring more women.

  16. #152
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Location
    Basement Boiler Room
    Posts
    22,118
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default drive talking

    mike tyson selling racquets would say:

    "Dis racket israel "

  17. #153
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    m'sia
    Posts
    190
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Smile another dose of mary schneider

    DEALING WITH CAR TROUBLE
    by Mary Schneider
    REFLECTIONS FROM A SCOTSWOMAN IN PENANG (m'sia)


    When it comes to the maintenance and repair of all things mechanical,
    I’m the first to admit that I’m a bit of an ignoramus. For the most
    part, the innermost workings of a car are something of a mystery to me.
    Sure, I can locate the battery, the dipstick and the radiator, but all
    those rubber tubes and menacing chunks of metal are simply beyond me.

    When things conk out beneath my car’s bonnet, I’d like nothing better
    than to be able to call someone and say: “Please take care of this, I’m
    late for a manicure!”

    I’m sure Catherine Zeta-Jones doesn’t have to deal with things like
    flat tires and oil-changes and keeping her radiator topped up. When her
    car breaks down, all she has to do is press the SOS button on her mobile
    phone and her doting husband will make sure that everything’s taken
    care of before she can say: “Michael, I don’t like it here!”

    Since I’m somewhat lacking in the doting-husband department, I don’t
    really have anyone to whisk me away from it all when my car acts up. So
    when I recently found myself stranded far from home with a dead
    battery, I stared at my blank dashboard in disbelief and thought about the
    disadvantages of the single life.

    After I’d come to the conclusion that it would probably take a
    complete personality overhaul to transform me into something remotely
    marriageable, I turned my thoughts to the offending battery. How was it
    possible for it to suddenly die without any warning? I thought batteries were
    supposed to give some sign when they were about to expire: a wheeze, a
    cough, a splutter, a last anguished cry as the final vestiges of life
    slipped away. Was it possible that my battery was just in need of a
    little resuscitation to get it going again?

    I remembered someone saying that you should bang the top of an
    unresponsive battery with a heavy object, just in case the connections had
    worked loose. In the absence of an appropriate object, I contemplated
    using my fists but quickly changed my mind after studying the white, crusty
    formations on top of the battery. I then considered my shoes – a chunky
    heel might just do the trick.

    As I stood there with a shoe in one hand, poised to strike, I wavered.
    My footwear had cost considerably more than a new battery, and I wasn’t
    sure if I wanted to risk of spoiling the leather with all that leaking
    acid.

    At this stage, the early afternoon sun was beating down so ferociously
    that the perspiration was dripping into my eyes. If I didn’t do
    something fast, I would soon be blinded by a sticky mass of half-dissolved
    mascara.

    Then, just as I was banging the battery connections with my shoe, a
    well-dressed man stopped beside my car. I looked up and smiled at him in
    what I thought was a rather alluring manner – the same manner that I
    thought would have men falling over themselves to assist me.

    He responded by quickly turning on his heel and heading towards a
    nearby shop.

    Ignoring this blatant rejection of my womanly wiles, I tried to start
    the engine again. Still nothing.

    I then glanced at my reflection in my rear-view mirror. Disintegrated
    mascara (extra black) circled my eyes. I had all the allure of someone
    who’d gone ten rounds with Mike Tyson.

    It was obviously time to call in the experts. I phoned my mechanic and
    did something that I’m not all that proud of: I slipped into “woe is
    me” mode – another of my womanly wiles. My conversation went something
    like this: “You big, strong man. Me weak, little woman. You come and save
    me?” It usually works – but so does the prospect of selling someone a
    new battery, I can imagine.

    While waiting for my battery to arrive, I sought refuge from the
    relentless sun beneath a shop’s awning.

    I must have stood there for about 10 minutes, scanning the entrance to
    the road, when I heard voices behind me. I turned and saw a group of
    elderly men walking towards me. Ignoring them, I resumed my watch for my
    mechanic.

    “Look at the red-haired monkey’s bottom!” said one of the men in
    Hokkien as he referred to my derrière.

    Immediately, my ears pricked up. My very basic command of Hokkien can
    often be enlightening, especially when others assume that I can’t
    understand what they’re saying.

    Another old man grunted something in response, and I spun round to
    look at them. Just then, one of the group stumbled and fell off the
    pavement. Fortunately, he was unhurt, but his friends stopped and laughed.

    “Ha! You cannot look and walk at the same time! It’s too dangerous,”
    joked one of them.

    As I was thinking of something clever to say to them, my mechanic
    pulled up next to me and the moment was gone.

    “Do you think my bottom looks big in these pants?” I wanted to ask my
    saviour as he removed the expired battery from my car, but I thought
    better of it. Instead, I smiled at him alluringly.

    At least, I hope it was alluringly.

Page 9 of 102 FirstFirst 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 59 ... LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. Strange...Can't Find the Jokes anymore???
    By Young Yang in forum Chit-Chat
    Replies: 2
    : 05-03-2008, 12:04 PM
  2. Some jokes during our suppertime@ccc
    By chris-ccc in forum CCC Badminton Club
    Replies: 3
    : 06-20-2007, 12:31 PM
  3. tennis player jokes
    By The Badminator in forum Chit-Chat
    Replies: 7
    : 04-28-2007, 04:01 PM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •