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Thread: Jokes

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    Default Signs that you are indeed a Dato' Lee Chong Wei fanatic fan

    1. The latest rare defeat of Dato' against SWH has given you so much of mental pressure that you want to commit suicide or retiring forever from playing badminton.
    2. You're continuously applying to become a Malaysia citizenship but in fact you're currently still working in Guangzhou
    3. There is only one person on earth that you dislike very much and that person is no other than Lin Dan
    4. You start purchasing VTZF
    5. You're now working very hard especially into activities that involved helping the community in your quest to get a Datukship title........hopefully
    6.You're now determine to accumulate enough money to perform that facial reconstructive surgery that will make your face similarly like Dato'
    7. Your laptop antivirus now is from Kaspersky
    8. The only drinking brand that is available inside your refrigerator is from 100 plus
    9. You now regularly visit Batu caves to train your fitness by climbing it's stairs
    10. You're a Maxis subscriber
    11. You retired mid way of your today's work because you have a right shoulder pain

  3. #1533
    Regular Member extremenanopowe's Avatar
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    Laughter is the best medicine....

    Every Wife is a "Mistress" for her Husband.

    "Miss" for one hour & "Stress" for the rest 23 hours!


    There are 2 times when a Man doesn't understand a Woman.

    Before Marriage and After Marriage.


    My Husband And I Divorced Over Religious Differences.

    He Thought He Was God, and I Didn't.


    Husband Throwing Darts at His Wife's Photo

    and Not Even a Single One Hitting the Target...
    From Another Room Wife Called The Husband: Honey What Are You Doing ?

    Husband: "MISSING YOU"...


    THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...

    Women are like phones:

    They like to be held, talked to and touched often.
    But push the wrong button and you're disconnected....


    Difference Between Complete & Finish...

    People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISH. But there is....

    When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE....
    And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....
    And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are
    ....
    COMPLETELY FINISHED!

    Romantic...SMS She sends the following message:

    My love if you're sleeping, send me your dreams

    If you're smiling, send me your smile

    If you're crying, send me your tears

    I love you.

    He Replied: I'm in the toilet. What do I send?


    There are 3 kinds of men in the world:

    Some remain single & make wonders happen,
    Some have girlfriends & see wonders happen,

    The rest get married & wonder what happened!


    ************************************************** **********************


    The A B C...


    After being married for thirty years a wife asked her husband to describe her.


    He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H.... I, J, K."


    She asks...... "What does that mean?"


    He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fancy, Gorgeous, Honey.


    She smiled happily and said...."Oh, that's so lovely.....
    What about I, J, K?"


    He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"


    His eye is still swollen
    ....but it will get better.........

    ************************************************** ****************

    In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honor, I want to divorce my husband."


    "But why?" asked the judge.


    She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me."


    The judge asked, "How do you know?"


    She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."

  4. #1534
    Regular Member extremenanopowe's Avatar
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    An inspirational speaker said:
    "The Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife."
    Audience were in shock and silence. He added: "She was my mother" A big round of applause & laughter followed!

    A very daring husband tried to crack this at home. After a dinner, he said loudly to his wife in the kitchen" The Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife" Standing for a moment, he tried to recall the second line of that speaker. By the time he gained his senses, he was on a hospital bed, recovering from burns of boiling water! Moral: Don't Copy, if u can't Paste.

  5. #1535
    Regular Member extremenanopowe's Avatar
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    The Blonde Pilot..





    This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

    He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.

    "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead.
    And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

    She hears a voice over the radio saying:

    "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and
    get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.

    'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."


    She says
    , "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

    "O.K." says the voice on the radio....


    "Repeat after me: Our Father. . Who art in Heaven. . . ..."

  6. #1536
    Regular Member extremenanopowe's Avatar
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    three nuns were attending a yankee baseball game.


    three men were sitting directly behind. Because their habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns hoping that they'd get annoyed enough to move to another area.

    in a very loud voice, the first guy said,

    "i think i'm going to move to utah . There are only 100 nuns living there."




    then the second guy spoke up and said, "i want to go to montana . There are only 5o nuns living there."




    the third guy said, "i want to go to idaho . There are only 25 nuns living there."

    the mother superior turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said,


    "why don't you go to hell... There aren't any nuns there!"

  7. #1537
    Regular Member demolidor's Avatar
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    From Russia with Love

    <em>

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    Just the two vids I was looking for conveniently rolled into one . Craziness, especially the 2nd. As the uploader on youtube commented: "My hands sweat every time i see this!" ... ditto .



    Same locations ....



    Last edited by demolidor; 05-18-2012 at 03:40 PM.

  9. #1539
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    Meanwhile in Canada ( no way you're getting me out there without a chute )

    Appropriate commented by visitor on youtube whited out below:
    WOO-WOOOOOO!!!! ALL ABOARD THE NOPE TRAIN TO ****-THAT VILLE.

    dreamcatcher131 19 minutes ago
    Last edited by demolidor; 05-18-2012 at 03:48 PM.

  10. #1540
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    Here's an oldie....


    3 pregnant ladies (a brunette, redhead, and a blonde) wait at the doctor's office.


    Brunette: I'm having a boy cuz I was on the bottom.

    Redhead: I'm having a girl cuz I was on top.

    The blonde starts crying.

    Brunette & Redhead: What's wrong??

    Blonde: I'm having a puppy....


  11. #1541
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    Quote Originally Posted by demolidor View Post
    Meanwhile in Canada ( no way you're getting me out there without a chute )

    Appropriate commented by visitor on youtube whited out below:
    WOO-WOOOOOO!!!! ALL ABOARD THE NOPE TRAIN TO ****-THAT VILLE.

    dreamcatcher131 19 minutes ago

    At first I thought it's the Chinese badminton team. The first one looks like Cai Yun, and the one in sunglasses look like Xia Xuanze.

  12. #1542
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    Thoughts from the Man's heart
    Thought 1


    When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
    When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
    When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
    What do women want to be liberated from?


    Thought 2


    The average man's life consists of:
    Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
    Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;
    and at the end, the mourners wondering too where he is going.


    Thought 3


    Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride..

    The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced :

    'Ladies and Gentlemen. Today is the luckiest day of my life ...' Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, 'My daughter finally, finally returned my Credit Card to me.'

    The whole audience including the priest started laughing . . . . . But not the poor Groom ! ! !



    And now the Best one. . . . .


    Thought 4


    A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, 'If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.'

    The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, 'Stop ! Stand still ! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.'

    The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. The man asked. 'Who are you?'

    'I am your guardian angel,' the voice answered.

    'Oh, yeah?' the man said 'And where the
    Hell were you when I got married?'

  13. #1543
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    Six Golden Rules For F***ing





    1. F***ing once a week is good for your health but harmful if done every day.

    2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind and body.

    3. F***ing refreshes you.

    4. After f***ing don't eat too much; go for more liquids.

    5. Try to do f***ing in bed because it can save you valuable energy.

    6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level.



    SO REMEMBER - *FASTING
    * is good for your health - and may God cleanse your Dirty Mind!









  14. #1544
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    An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

    The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

    Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

    To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

    Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

    The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down......."

  15. #1545
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    THIS IS FUNNY





    TRY NOT TO LAUGH OUT LOUD



    HOW TO START A FIGHT


    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas
    gift...

    The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

    When she asked me why, I replied,

    "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

    And that's how the fight started.....

    ________________________________


    My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
    we were in bed.

    I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have ***?'

    'No,' she answered. I then said,

    'Is that your final answer?'

    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

    And that's when the fight started...

    ________________________________


    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took
    my order first.

    "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

    "Nah, she can order for herself."

    And that's when the fight started.....

    _______________________________


    My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
    reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
    drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

    I asked her, "Do you know him?"

    "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to
    drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been
    sober since."

    "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
    celebrating that long?"

    And then the fight started...

    ________________________________


    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
    to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
    something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
    making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
    thought of a clever way to make her point.

    When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
    grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
    scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
    the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
    I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
    grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

    ______________________________


    My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

    She asked, "What's on TV?"

    I said, "Dust."

    And then the fight started...

    ________________________________


    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
    lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
    boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
    downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
    garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
    would be bad all day.

    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
    into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
    anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

    My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
    stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

    And that's how the fight started...

    _______________________________


    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
    anniversary.

    She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about
    3 seconds."

    I bought her a bathroom scale.

    And then the fight started.......

    ______________________________


    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
    Social Security.

    The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
    verify my age.

    I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
    home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
    to go home and come back later.

    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

    So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

    She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
    me' and she processed my Social Security application.

    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
    the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
    your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

    And then the fight started...

    ________________________________


    My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
    She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

    "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
    to pay me a compliment.'

    I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

    And then the fight started........

    ________________________________


    I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

    The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

    He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

    So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

    That's how the fight started.





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    An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.

    The doctor said, “We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years.”

    “I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,” said the patient.

    After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.

    “It was easy,” the patient replied. “I wanted a heart that hadn’t been used.”

  17. #1547
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    There's this Jaga Singh who was working for a multi-millionaire as a house
    guard. One day, while the millionaire was driving out to catch an early
    morning flight to conclude a business deal, Jaga Singh ran out from the
    guard house and stopped the millionaire' s car just right in front of the
    gate.

    He said 'Sir...Sir.. are you going to board a plane?'

    'Yes, why?' asked the millionaire.

    'You had better cancel the trip. You see, last night I dreamt about the
    plane going to crash.'

    Curious over the early morning fright that Jaga Singh had given, the
    multimillionaire decided to cancel his trip. 'You better be damn right for
    this is a million dollar deal..'

    The following day, there were news reports that the plane which the
    millionaire was supposed to take had indeed crash landed. 'Thank God, I
    cancelled the trip,.' the rich man said Realising that what Jaga Singh had
    said had come true, he called the Singh to see him.

    When the guard was called that morning, the millionaire gave him his
    salary and FIRED him.

    WHY ?

    scroll below :






    Jaga Singh was supposed to guard! the house at night. NOT to Sleep and
    Dream all night!


    So, GO BACK TO WORK!! and Don't try to save your boss's life!!
    It's not worth it!!!

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