Results 1,089 to 1,105 of 1713
12-21-2008, 10:12 PM #1089
Haha... these are really clever and funny
12-22-2008, 01:47 AM #1090
12-22-2008, 01:51 AM #1091
more funny pictures about streamyx here
12-23-2008, 02:50 AM #1092
12-23-2008, 04:24 AM #1093
12-25-2008, 07:28 PM #1094
12-25-2008, 09:57 PM #1095
i'm so full today i feel like...
12-31-2008, 12:33 AM #1096
happy new year
Ore. woman, 88, gives naked intruder the 'squeeze'
Tue Dec 30, 9:09 pm ET
PORTLAND, Ore. – The Multnomah County Sheriff's Office said an 88-year-old woman fended off a naked intruder by grabbing the man's crotch and squeezing. Deputy Paul McRedmond said the man got into the house Tuesday through a sliding door. He backed the woman into her living room and pushed her face down onto a chair.
That's when the woman reached behind and squeezed. The man tore free and fled.
McRedmond said a county code enforcement officer who heard the police call on his radio spotted a car near the woman's house and passed on the license information to authorities.
Troutdale police arrested a 46-year-old man. He has been jailed on accusations of burglary, harassment and private indecency. Bail was set at $110,000.
12-31-2008, 05:13 PM #1097
New Stock Market Terms
CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no ***.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just down-graded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.
01-06-2009, 08:36 PM #1098
Skier Suffers Exposure
Man left dangling upside down, pantsless after Vail lift mishap
JANUARY 6--In a bizarre incident that will surely lead to litigation (or an out-of-court settlement), a skier at Colorado's ritzy Vail resort was left dangling upside down and pantsless from a chairlift last Thursday morning. The January 1 mishap apparently occurred after the male skier, 48, and a child boarded a high-speed lift in Vail's Blue Sky Basin. It appears that the chairlift's fold-down seat was somehow not in the lowered position, which caused the man to partially fall through the resulting gap. His right ski got jammed in the ascending chairlift, and that kept him upended since his boot never dislodged from its binding. As seen in the photos on the following pages (which were snapped by fellow skiers), the Skyline Express lift was stopped shortly after the pair's botched boarding resulted in the man dangling from the lift. The exposed skier was stuck for about 15 minutes before Vail personnel backed the lift up and successfully dislodged the unidentified man from the four-seat chair. In a statement released this afternoon, Vail Resorts, which operates the ski area, reported that the skier was not injured after being "suspended for approximately seven minutes."
look like the woman rescuer has her hands and eyes full
01-06-2009, 08:47 PM #1099
I hope he sues for damages.....he'll need it to pay for the psychotherapy for his kid! ("That's my dad!")
01-07-2009, 06:28 AM #1100
At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?"
He calls up the lawyer.
"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?"
The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"
The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..."
"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!"
The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..."
"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?"
The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..."
"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"
The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.
3. Doctor Joke
A lady went to the doctor and complained that her husband was losing interest in ***. The doctor gave her a pill, but warned her that it is still experimental. He tells her to slip it in her husband's mashed potatoes at dinner, and so she does just that. About a week later, she returned back to the doctor's office and said, "That pill worked great. I put it in my husband's mashed potatoes just like you said. It wasn't five minutes later, and he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes on the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off and ravaged me right there on the table!"
The doctor said, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize that the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."
The lady replied, "Naah. That's okay. We aren't going back to that restaurant anyway."
Engineer In Hell
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
01-07-2009, 03:06 PM #1101
01-07-2009, 03:09 PM #1102
01-07-2009, 11:03 PM #1103
I guess the joke here is that it's under the pretense that she was ravaged on the table in their house, that the doctor would pay for the damages of their house appliances, but in the end, revealing that the act actually happened in the restaurant.
01-08-2009, 06:29 AM #1104
But hey, she should have accepted the payment for the damages. After all she did get what she wanted.
01-09-2009, 04:14 PM #1105
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