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Thread: Jokes

  1. #1344
    Regular Member .spot.'s Avatar
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    ‘Cookies’ by Douglas Adams
    This actually did happen to a real person, and the real person was me. I had gone to catch a train. This was April 1976, in Cambridge, U.K. I was a bit early for the train. I’d gotten the time of the train wrong. I went to get myself a newspaper to do the crossword, and a cup of coffee and a packet of cookies. I went and sat at a table.

    I want you to picture the scene. It’s very important that you get this very clear in your mind. Here’s the table, newspaper, cup of coffee, packet of cookies. There’s a guy sitting opposite me, perfectly ordinary-looking guy wearing a business suit, carrying a briefcase. It didn’t look like he was going to do anything weird. What he did was this: he suddenly leaned across, picked up the packet of cookies, tore it open, took one out, and ate it.

    Now this, I have to say, is the sort of thing the British are very bad at dealing with. There’s nothing in our background, upbringing, or education that teaches you how to deal with someone who in broad daylight has just stolen your cookies.

    You know what would happen if this had been South Central Los Angeles. There would have very quickly been gunfire, helicopters coming in, CNN, you know. . . But in the end, I did what any red-blooded Englishman would do: I ignored it. And I stared at the newspaper, took a sip of coffee, tried to do a clue in the newspaper, couldn’t do anything, and thought, what am I going to do?

    In the end I thought, Nothing for it, I’ll just have to go for it, and I tried very hard not to notice the fact that the packet was already mysteriously opened. I took out a cookie for myself. I thought, That settled him. But it hadn’t because a moment or two later he did it again. He took another cookie. Having not mentioned it the first time, it was somehow even harder to raise the subject the second time around. “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice . . .” I mean, it doesn’t really work.

    We went through the whole packet like this. When I say the whole packet, I mean there were only about eight cookies, but it felt like a lifetime. He took one, I took one, he took one, I took one. Finally, when we got to the end, he stood up and walked away. Well, we exchanged meaningful looks, then he walked away, and I breathed a sigh of relief and sat back.

    A moment or two later the train was coming in, so I tossed back the rest of my coffee, stood up, picked up the newspaper, and underneath the newspaper were my cookies.

    The thing I like particularly about this story is the sensation that somewhere in England there has been wandering around for the last quarter-century a perfectly ordinary guy who’s had the same exact story, only he doesn’t have the punch line.

  2. #1345
    Regular Member extremenanopowe's Avatar
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    damn... lol...............

  3. #1346
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    BE CAREFUL, WHAT YOU ASK FOR!!!!!


    A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

    The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

    'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

    A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

    The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

    The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

    Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

    This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

    'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

    'Same,' says the ostrich.

    Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

    Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

    The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

    'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'



    'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

    'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..

    The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

    The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

  4. #1347
    Regular Member extremenanopowe's Avatar
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    A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horse back came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

    She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

    When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

    "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

    "Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

    "Lady," the attendant said shaking his head, "Indians DON'T use saddles."

  5. #1348
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    ALWAYS ASK, NEVER ASSUME !!! His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

    He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

    Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.



    He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

    The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

    Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot,
    'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

    'Why?' asked the pilot.

    'Because I'm a photographer for CNN',he responded,

    'and I need to get some close up shots.'

    The pilot was strangely silent for a moment.


    Finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . .

    You're NOT my flight instructor?'

  6. #1349
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    A sick grandmother is talking to her favourite granddaughter.
    "Dori, I'm old n weak, and I know that the time for me to leave is near. :'(
    I want u to inherit my farm, including the barn, the villa, the tractors, the farmhouse, all the livestock."

    Dori replied: "Wow, Thank u so much \=D/,
    Grandma.! I didnt know u even HAD a farm.. :/ where is it.?"


    Grandma replied,



    "On my Facebook account.

  7. #1350
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default The Origin of Job Interviews..

    ..some of you have probably seen this; if not, enjoy!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b56eAUCTLok

  8. #1351
    Regular Member pBmMalaysia's Avatar
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    Thumbs up i wonder whether oldhand still remembers this?


  9. #1352
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    Default Reasons That You Know You're Obsessed with Badminton:

    1. You ARE planning to go to China or any other country to train sometime in the near future.
    2. You would practice footwork while walking to school.
    3. You know how to string a racket
    4. You can do a decent backhand smash.
    5. When you hold hands with your girlfriend / boyfriend, you can't help but wonder which grip is more effective. Backhand or forehand.
    6. One of your goals this year is to get a YONEX sponsorship.

  10. #1353
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    Name:  get-working.jpg
Views: 204
Size:  44.2 KB

    This reminds me of my lazy friend..................

  11. #1354
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    Quote Originally Posted by shooting stroke View Post
    1. You ARE planning to go to China or any other country to train sometime in the near future.
    2. You would practice footwork while walking to school.
    3. You know how to string a racket
    4. You can do a decent backhand smash.
    5. When you hold hands with your girlfriend / boyfriend, you can't help but wonder which grip is more effective. Backhand or forehand.
    6. One of your goals this year is to get a YONEX sponsorship.
    Just to add more:
    1. You restring all yours racquets every week even the strings are not broken.
    2. You wear expensive Yonex or Li-Ning badminton clothes instead of any t-shirts and shorts.
    3. You always buy the newest models.
    ...

  12. #1355
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    Quote Originally Posted by shooting stroke View Post
    1. You ARE planning to go to China or any other country to train sometime in the near future.
    2. You would practice footwork while walking to school.
    3. You know how to string a racket
    4. You can do a decent backhand smash.
    5. When you hold hands with your girlfriend / boyfriend, you can't help but wonder which grip is more effective. Backhand or forehand.
    6. One of your goals this year is to get a YONEX sponsorship.
    Quote Originally Posted by Qidong View Post
    Just to add more:
    1. You restring all yours racquets every week even the strings are not broken.
    2. You wear expensive Yonex or Li-Ning badminton clothes instead of any t-shirts and shorts.
    3. You always buy the newest models.
    ...
    Nice add...let me add more
    1. Your first son will be name Lin Dan
    2. All your saving will ultimately be used not to buy a house or car but to make a 20 court rubberized badminton hall.
    3. Sometimes you accidentally called your girlfriend's name Susi Susanti
    4. You start to love buying anything that's related to feather
    5. All of your anniversary, son's wedding, office meeting will be organized in a badminton hall.

  13. #1356
    Regular Member pBmMalaysia's Avatar
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    and some more:

    1/ when in a local competition and start of your first match, you can hear the umpire say "ladies & gentlemen, this is the all england mens single final...."

    2/ when you are doing a 3 inches jump smash, you can feel you are 3 feet up in the air

    3/ you would ask for changing of shuttles so frequent that the umpire has to sell them to you

    4/ when its time for the 11-point rest, you could feel talking, pointing and nodding your head to your coach when in fact there wasn't anybody there

    5/ after you won the 1st set in the 1st round, you feel so happy, you put your hands up and yell so loud everybody stops their games and rush to your court, then you threw your only racket to them

  14. #1357
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    Quote Originally Posted by pBmMalaysia View Post
    and some more: ...
    2/ when you are doing a 3 inches jump smash, you can feel you are 3 feet up in the air. ...
    This one is hilarious!! (....because it's so very true for this old duffer)

  15. #1358
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    Quote Originally Posted by pBmMalaysia View Post
    and some more:

    5/ after you won the 1st set in the 1st round, you feel so happy, you put your hands up and yell so loud everybody stops their games and rush to your court, then you threw your only racket to them
    Haha..... More added

    1. You wear your complete badminton clothes with shoes and also brought your racket bag with you inside a hall when in fact it's your daughter's graduation day.
    2. You don't mind if someone's car knocked your car inside the compound of a badminton hall
    3. You starts to give tips to the person in charge of court bookings
    4. You use a badminton net as a mosquito repellent
    5. Your house is actually a badminton hall

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    Default You know you are an older badminton player when:

    1) When jumping you thank heaven you took your calcium tablets for brittle bones that morning.
    2) When lunging you wonder what else you could get while you’re down there.
    3) When diving …. Oh who are we kidding, you don’t dive.
    4) Some players create a powerful *boom* with their strings. You create a noisy ^creak^ with your gimpy shoulder.
    5) It seems all your fellow players mumble; and all the lights have a glare.
    6) Your catch-phrase on court is, “What’s the score, again?”
    7) Your biggest edge over the competition is your ability to park closest to the gym door with your seniors’ parking permit.
    Last edited by Fidget; 09-21-2010 at 10:50 PM.

  17. #1360
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    More added

    1. You do your warm session longer than your booking session.
    2. You request from your opponent just to hit the shuttlecock towards you.
    3. Inside the badminton hall, sometimes you forget and accidentally played in other people's court
    4. Inside your badminton bag are full of painkillers, analgesic ointment and joint supports.
    5. You thought you did a descent backhand shots in fact its a forehand.

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