Jokes

**Gessle** · 08-08-2004, 09:04 AM

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.
He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" - "Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" - "Yes," came the answer.
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No". Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes", whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" - "No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" - "A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "They're looking for me."

**tir168** · 08-08-2004, 10:23 AM

Lol...!!!

=DD

**Dill** · 08-08-2004, 03:42 PM

ha ha...............but would the parents not wonder who answered the phone?

**Gessle** · 08-09-2004, 06:38 AM

In a Bar, as a man was having a drink, a guy, apparently already with his load, approached him and said, "Would you bet a pint of beer that I can bite my own left eye?"
Thinking that this guy was really drunk, the first man agreed.
Then the supposed drunk guy took off his false left eye and bit it. The first man thought: "How could I let this guy to fool me?"
But a bet is a bet, so he bought the drunk guy a pint of beer and continued his drinking.
A few moments later, the same drunk guy approached the first man and said, "Would you bet a pint of beer that I can bite my own right eye?"
He thought to himself: Hey, this guy can't have both false eyes, right? So he accepted the bet. Then the drunk guy took out his false teeth and bit his right eye with them.

**tir168** · 08-09-2004, 11:13 AM

^^ good way to get two pints of beer free if you got a false eye and false teeth. =DD

**cooler** · 08-09-2004, 11:27 AM

why six is afraid of seven

**Matt Ross** · 08-09-2004, 11:29 AM

Man, this is an old one!!

A: Because 7 8 (ate) 9

**jug8man** · 08-09-2004, 11:43 AM

a doctor was introducing autopsy to a fresh batch of medcine students in an operating theater with a real dead body. they formed a circle around the dead body.
the doctor said to the students "the first thing you need to study medicine is to conquer your fear". he then suddenly inserted his finger up the dead body's arse, pulled it out and licked his finger. much to the disbelief of the students. then he pointed at one student and ordered him with authority to do the same. the student reluctantly but quickly followed suit.
the doctor then said to the students "the second thing you need is to be very observant. notice that i inserted my index finger but licked middle finger". the student fainted.

**Wizbit** · 08-09-2004, 08:53 PM

A woman married for a number of years, was finding that her s-e-x life was beginning to flag, and so she decided to go and consult a s-e-x therapist. The s-e-x therapist told her to go and buy some sexy lingerie and cook her husband a candle lit dinner. So, one day when her husband was out, she cooked a candelit dinner and put on her new sexy lingerie. The husband eventually came home, he looked at her without saying a word, picked her up and whisked her into the bedroom. He took her knickers off and turned her upside down, in front on the mirror. He then put his head between her legs and said, "my mates are right, I don't look very good with a beard!!!"

(s-e-x - is used otherwise it would be displayed as ***)

**aznphi1osopher** · 08-09-2004, 09:07 PM

There was an American man that had an meeting in France. He met a woman and that night they had their own meeting. While they were where having s-e-x, she was yelling, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX." He did not know what that meant, but assumed it to be some sort of praise.

The next day, he went to play golf with the men he had the meeting with. One of them made a hole in one. He yelled, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX !"

They looked at him and said, "what do you mean wrong hole?"

**UkPlayer** · 08-09-2004, 09:55 PM

The restaraunt in the sports centre is just about to shut. The badminton player gets his post match sandwich and takes a seat opposite a tennis player. They soon strike up a conversation about their sports. As is usual with these conversations, the tennis player begins winding the badminton player up and says:

"Tennis is difficult and demanding. Your sport is a backyard sport. It's easy, people play it for fun. It's nothing like tennis.". The badminton player thinks about this and responds "No its very much like tennis. I''ll show you what I mean".

The badminton player gets up, walks over to the tennis player and hugs him. The tennis player smiles and asks "what did you do that for?"

The badminton player smiles. "See, that's "love all", we have love all in badminton too!"

"Ok, that's very nice, but it's still a backyard sport, so it's not like tennis"

The badminton player responds "Ok, you're not getting this. Look see that sign there, the restaraunt is now shut."

"Huh? What's the restaurant being shut got to do with anything?"

"That means the service is over, we have service over in badminton too!"

The tennis player chuckles "you have "love all" and "service over" but you're still a backyard sport. So you're not like tennis at all. "

The badminton player stands up. "Tell you what, I'll prove it to you, swap places with me."

The tennis player sighs and gets up, and takes the badminton players seat. The badminton player sits down and says "see what I mean?"

The tennis player shakes his head "no I don't"

"We just changed ends. We have to change ends in badminton too!"

The tennis player, now irritated with the conversation begins an attack on the badminton player. "Look, forget about "love all", "service over" and "change ends", badminton is a backyard sport, it's an easy game, people don't have to be fit, you can play outdoors. Tennis is a difficult proffessional sport. Badminton is nothing like tennis ok."

"Maybe it is then". The badminton player promptly gets up, walks over and kicks the tennis player between the legs.

The tennis player yelps in pain and rolls off the seat holding his crutch in agony. Rolling around he looks up at the badminton player and groans "arrrghh.. what did you do that for??"

The badminton player smiles sweetly and says, "Actually, you're right, badminton isn't like tennis. I just proved it" and starts walking off.

The tennis player still rolling on the floor groans and shouts after him "what??".

The badminton player gets to the door, turns round and shouts. "We don't need new balls in badminton!"

**bigredlemon** · 08-09-2004, 11:59 PM

Originally Posted by UkPlayer

The restaraunt in the sports centre is just about to shut. The badminton player gets his post match sandwich and takes a seat opposite a tennis player. They soon strike up a conversation about their sports. As is usual with these conversations, the tennis player begins winding the badminton player up and says:

"Tennis is difficult and demanding. Your sport is a backyard sport. It's easy, people play it for fun. It's nothing like tennis.". The badminton player thinks about this and responds "No its very much like tennis. I''ll show you what I mean".

The badminton player gets up, walks over to the tennis player and hugs him. The tennis player smiles and asks "what did you do that for?"

The badminton player smiles. "See, that's "love all", we have love all in badminton too!"

"Ok, that's very nice, but it's still a backyard sport, so it's not like tennis"

The badminton player responds "Ok, you're not getting this. Look see that sign there, the restaraunt is now shut."

"Huh? What's the restaurant being shut got to do with anything?"

"That means the service is over, we have service over in badminton too!"

The tennis player chuckles "you have "love all" and "service over" but you're still a backyard sport. So you're not like tennis at all. "

The badminton player stands up. "Tell you what, I'll prove it to you, swap places with me."

The tennis player sighs and gets up, and takes the badminton players seat. The badminton player sits down and says "see what I mean?"

The tennis player shakes his head "no I don't"

"We just changed ends. We have to change ends in badminton too!"

The tennis player, now irritated with the conversation begins an attack on the badminton player. "Look, forget about "love all", "service over" and "change ends", badminton is a backyard sport, it's an easy game, people don't have to be fit, you can play outdoors. Tennis is a difficult proffessional sport. Badminton is nothing like tennis ok."

"Maybe it is then". The badminton player promptly gets up, walks over and kicks the tennis player between the legs.

The tennis player yelps in pain and rolls off the seat holding his crutch in agony. Rolling around he looks up at the badminton player and groans "arrrghh.. what did you do that for??"

The badminton player smiles sweetly and says, "Actually, you're right, badminton isn't like tennis. I just proved it" and starts walking off.

The tennis player still rolling on the floor groans and shouts after him "what??".

The badminton player gets to the door, turns round and shouts. "We don't need new balls in badminton!"

but they do need new c**ks

**aznphi1osopher** · 08-10-2004, 12:14 AM

Originally Posted by bigredlemon

but they do need new c**ks

he has a point, we always gota buy new shuttleCOCKS hahahahahahahaha ^_^

**aznphi1osopher** · 08-10-2004, 01:00 AM

Two guys were hiking through the jungle when they spotted a tiger who looked both hungry and fast. One of the guys reached into his pack and pulled out a pair of Nikes. His friend looked at him.

''Do you really think those shoes are going to make you run faster than that tiger?''

''I don't have to run faster than that tiger,'' his friend replied. ''I just have to run faster than you.''

**UkPlayer** · 08-10-2004, 01:02 AM

Originally Posted by bigredlemon

but they do need new c**ks

I spent ages on that, don't go picking holes in it

**aznphi1osopher** · 08-10-2004, 01:08 AM

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The guy leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr-gerrrrr Kiiinnnggg."

**bighook** · 08-10-2004, 01:53 AM

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test
results.
The nurse says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bitof a
mix-
up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife
to the lab, the samples from another Mrs.Smith were sent as well and
we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, it is either
bad
or terrible!"

"What do you mean?" said Mr. Smith.

Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the
other
Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your
wife."

"That's terrible! said Mr. Smith. "Can we do the test over?"

"Normally, yes. But with British Columbia Health Care, they won't pay
for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" said Mr. Smith.

"B.C. Health recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of
town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."