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Thread: Jokes

  1. #18
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    A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court. But the custody of their child posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the child into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children. The judge asked for his side of the story too. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied, "Judge, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"

  2. #19
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    Default jackass!!!

    I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that I had to make. I found the number and dialed it.
    A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"
    I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak to Robin Carter?"
    Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying on my desk. I decided to call it again.
    When the same person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up.
    Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass" and put it in my desk drawer.
    Every couple of weeks when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He would answer and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!"
    It always cheered me up. Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and heard his voice.
    "Hello?" I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our new caller ID program."
    He answered, "No!" and slammed down the receiver.
    I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!" The reason I'm taking the time to tell you this story is to show you how if there's ever anything bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 555-1212. (Keep reading, it gets better). One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time pulling out of her parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly and she began backing out. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camero came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't do that, buddy! I was here first!" The guy got out of his Camero completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy is a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park. The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" Then I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro and decided to call him too. After a couple of rings someone answered the phone.
    I asked, "Are you the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
    "Yes."
    "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
    "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car is parked right out front."
    I asked, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen."
    "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
    "I'm home in the evenings."
    "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
    "Sure."
    "Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don's number to my speed dialer. Now I had two jackasses to call whenever I had a bad day. However this wasn't as much fun as it used to be. So I thought about it and came up with a solution. First, I had my phone dial jackass #1.
    The man answered nicely and I yelled, "You're a jackass!" But I didn't hang up. The jackass said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah." He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "No!" He said,
    "What's your name, pal?" I said, "Don Hansen." He said, "Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro is parked out front."
    "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
    "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" And I hung up. Then I called Jackass #2.
    He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, jackass!"
    He said, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" "I'll kick your butt."
    "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, jackass!"
    And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious! I watched two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter I also taped it off the evening news!
    Last edited by Gessle; 08-10-2004 at 05:26 AM.

  3. #20
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    Default u r going to fail !!!

    As final exams neared, two students, very confident of their A averages in Chemistry class, decided to spend a weekend enjoying the social life of a nearby college. Although their Chemistry final was the first thing Monday morning they were reasonably certain they could pull it off. After a very late Sunday evening they overslept and did not arrive back on campus until Monday afternoon. In the hopes of avoiding failing the exam the two decided to tell their professor that they had a flat tire on the way back to campus. Sympathetic to the situation, the professor allowed them to make up the exam. After being seated in different rooms the two opened their exam books and began working.
    The first question, for 25 points, was a simple question on fusion. When they turned the page to answer the next question, however, both students shared the same look of despair though they were seated in different rooms.
    75 point question: Which tire was flat?

  4. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by UkPlayer
    I spent ages on that, don't go picking holes in it
    great joke btw

  5. #22
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    Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there.

    St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. But before I let you into heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions. Make sure you tell the truth because if you don't, we'll have to ask you to visit the beast below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you will get. You have to have a car here in heaven because it is so huge!"

    St. Peter asked the first man, "How long were you married?"

    The guy replied, "24 years."

    St. Peter then asked, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"

    The guy said, "Yeah, about 10 times... but you said I was forgiven."

    Peter said, "Yes, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto for you to drive."

    The second guy got the same questions from Peter to which he replied, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was during our first year and we worked it out. I was faithful thereafter."

    Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that. Here's a Mercedes SUV for you to drive."

    The third guy said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

    Peter said, "Now that's what I like to hear! Here's a Jaguar for you to drive."

    A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk, so they went to see what was the matter. When they asked him what was wrong he tearily said, "I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!"

  6. #23
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    This is a test for men only, however, women will also benefit by
    reviewing
    them
    so that they get to understand men and thereby enrich their own lives.


    1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and
    you are
    the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
    friendship, they
    present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is
    capable
    of
    curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy,
    wiping out
    hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence
    all
    over the entire earth.

    You decide to:

    A. Present it to the President of the United States.
    B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
    C. Take it apart.


    2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you
    miss the
    most?

    A. Innocence

    B. Idealism

    C. Cherry bombs.


    3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

    A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard
    for
    narrow-minded social conventions. B. When he is the Pope (but not on
    the
    lips)! C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is
    the only
    really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons,
    you have
    to have him killed.


    4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

    A. A cat.
    B. A dog.
    C. A dog that eats cats.


    5 You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and
    intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday
    afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a
    football
    game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue
    sky,
    tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer
    bear
    the
    uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says
    she's
    not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe
    that you
    have some kind of future together.

    What do you say?

    A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you
    don't want to rush it.
    B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot
    honestly
    say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and
    you
    don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope. C. That you cannot
    believe
    the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.


    6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want
    to
    spend
    the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the
    world has
    to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

    A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
    B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name,
    and when
    she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the
    stars
    in
    her eyes, you tell her. C. Tell her what?


    7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to
    get
    your
    three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

    A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
    B. "They're in school already?"
    C. "We have three of them?"


    8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

    A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new
    holes so
    large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your
    legs.
    B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and
    has to
    be handled with tweezers. C. It is never okay to throw away veteran
    underwear.
    A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody, and we are
    not
    naming names, (but this would be his wife) is secretly and sneakely
    trying to
    discard his underwear.


    9. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

    A. Democracy.
    B. Religion.
    C. Remote control.


    10. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the
    fact
    that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before
    they
    finally got to the Promised Land?

    A. He was being tested.
    B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they
    finally
    got
    there. C. He refused to ask for directions.





    Of course all "real men" will have answered "C" to all of these
    questions.

    As Carl Marx said...... "Truth flies out the door when rumor comes
    innuendo."
    bighook

  7. #24
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    Default pussy gets wet !!!

    One day a fish was swimming along in a stream when it saw a fly hovering 4 inches off of the water. Thought the fish to itself, "If that fly drops 2 inches I can jump and eat it."
    A bear on one side of the stream sees the fish looking at the fly and thinks to itself, "If that fly drops two inches I can grab the fish as it jumps for the fly."
    A hunter on the opposite side of the stream sees the bear, but hasn't got a clear shot, and thinks to himself, "If that fly drops two inches, the fish will jump to eat the fly and the bear will move to get the fish, and I can shoot the bear."
    A little mouse is hiding in the bushes eyeing the hunters sandwich which had a piece of cheese on it, but in fear of the hunter the mouse thought," If that fly drops two inches the fish will jump to eat the fly, the bear will move to get the fish, the hunter will move to get the bear, and I can get the cheese."
    A cat in a tree on the other side of the stream sees the mouse hunkered in the bushes, and thinks to itself," If that fly drops two inches the fish will jump to eat the fly, the bear will move to catch the fish, the hunter will move to shoot the bear, and the mouse will move to get the cheese...and I can get the mouse!"
    So the fly drops 2 inches and the fish jumps to eat the fly, the bear runs out and grabs the fish, the hunter moves and shoots the bear, the mouse scurries and gets the cheese, and the cat jumps from the tree across the stream, but misses, and lands in the stream. The moral of this story is...If the fly drops two inches...Pussy gets wet!

  8. #25
    Regular Member jug8man's Avatar
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    Slobodan Milosevic died and arrived at the door of Heaven where stood the Angle Micheal. Micheal asked slobodan what he was doing here. "i want to come into Heaven" replied Slobodan. Micheal laughed and told him to go to hell.

    the next day Micheal was in Heaven when he heard people knocking at Heaven's door. he opened it only to find a long line of demons and sinners from hell.
    "what are you doing up here" asked a puzzeled Micheal. a sinner replied
    "Slobodan is raising genocide down in hell, we are the first wave of refugees!"

  9. #26
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    This girl meets a guy in a nightlcub, and she recognises him as a very famous ahtlete, who has succeeded in many sports. Because he is so famous, a lot of the major companies has decided to offer him sponsorship and have their logos tattooed onto him. They both really fancy eachother, so after drinks, they go to a hotel. The guy takes his shirt off, she sees a Nike tick logo on his arm. He then takes his trousers off, and displays a Reebok logo on his foot. Finally he takes his boxer shorts off and reveals the letters AIDS on his member. The woman shrieked, "I am not going to do it with a man with AIDS". The guy smiled and said, "no dear, I am also sponsored by Addidas!".

  10. #27
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    An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

    He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

    The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

    The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

    The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want!"

    Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

    Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want!"

    The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!

  11. #28
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    Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?" The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours." So the nuns left thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"

    The next day they went to the mother one at a time. The mother said tot he first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?" and the nun said "I stole a kid's bike." The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water. When the nun did she wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent.

    The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!" The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."

    The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The third nun said proudly, "I pissed in the holy water!"

  12. #29
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    Default Crime does pay :~

    I find that real life situation are often the funniest
    -----------------------------------------------------

    *** Attacker Wins Lottery on Weekend Out of Jail

    Wed Aug 11,10:42 AM ET


    LONDON (Reuters) - A convicted r_pist serving a lengthy jail sentence has won $13 million on Britain's national lottery, a newspaper reported Wednesday.

    Iorworth Hoare was on weekend release from a low-security prison when he bought his winning ticket for last Saturday's Lotto Extra draw, the Sun said.

    Hoare was nearing the end of a life sentence after being jailed in 1989 for attempted r_pe. The length of a life sentence is at the discretion of the judge. He had previously served sentences for r_pe, attempted r_pe, and indecent assault.

    Hoare's celebrations were cut short though when he when he was moved to another a higher-security prison for his own safety, the Sun said.

    The Prison Service said prisoners were allowed to play the lottery and claim a prize.

    "We are aware a prisoner on release on a temporary license has participated in the lottery, and we understand that he has won a substantial amount," a Prison Service spokesman told Reuters.

    Lottery operator Camelot said it was not able to confirm or deny the report. The near-$39 million Lotto Extra jackpot was shared by three winning tickets, a spokesman said.

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    Default Accident or Tragedy?

    George W. Bush was visiting an elementary school, and the 4th grade class he sat through began a discussion related to words and their meanings.

    The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word "tragedy." So, George W. asked the class for an example of a tragedy.

    One boy stood up and said, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."

    "No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

    A girl raised her hand and said, "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone on board, that would be a
    tragedy."

    "I'm afraid not," the President said. "That's what we would call a Great Loss."

    The room went silent. No other children volunteered. President Bush searched the room and asked, "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

    Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raised his hand, and in a quiet voice, he said, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, THAT would be a tragedy."

    "That's right! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" asked the President.

    "Well," Johnny said, "because it wouldn't be an accident and it sure as hell wouldn't be a Great Loss..."

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    Quote Originally Posted by Matt Ross
    Man, this is an old one!!

    A: Because 7 8 (ate) 9
    I only get jokes from kids

  15. #32
    Regular Member jug8man's Avatar
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    Default stairway to Heaven

    a politician died and went to the stairway to Heaven. the gaurd gave him a box of chalk and told him to write a sin commited on each step until he reached Heaven. the gaurd also said the he will never reach Heaven as long as he has not finish writing down all his sins.
    so the politician took a step and wrote down a sin he had commited. he repeated this process on each step up the stairs as he was instructed.

    after a substantial period of time the politician went down the stairs to the gaurd who was surprised to see him. "what are you down down here?" asked the gaurd. "i need more chalk" was the reply.

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    Quote Originally Posted by jug8man
    a politician died and went to the stairway to Heaven. the gaurd gave him a box of chalk and told him to write a sin commited on each step until he reached Heaven. the gaurd also said the he will never reach Heaven as long as he has not finish writing down all his sins.
    so the politician took a step and wrote down a sin he had commited. he repeated this process on each step up the stairs as he was instructed.

    after a substantial period of time the politician went down the stairs to the gaurd who was surprised to see him. "what are you down down here?" asked the gaurd. "i need more chalk" was the reply.
    So r u saying mother teresa and pope john paul couldn't get to heaven?

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    3 old friends were sitting down in a badminton hall waiting for the 4th old man to arrive so that they could have a game of doubles. as they waited, they started a conservation about how well their sons were doing. "my son is doing so great in the stock market that last month he gave his best friend USD 200K in stocks" boasted oldman1. oldman2 not wanting to feel small replied "my son jack is a great car salesman. he's doing so well that just last mont he gave his hair dresser friend a brand new sports car. "my son is making millions in his real estate business. why he just gave a friend of his a condo unit for his birthday" said the proud oldman3. at that moment oldman4 arrived and sat down with the other 3. oldman1 being curious asked oldman4 how his son was doing. "i not happy with my son" said oldman4. he's just a hairdresser and he's gay". oldman2 asked if oldman4's son was still living with him and if his son was still dependent on him.
    "oh, no. financially he's quite sound. just last month he received a sports car, a condo unit, and USD 200K in stocks from his gay lovers. so i dont actually worry much about him". the three oldman's jaws dropped.

    needless to say no badminton was played that night.

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