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Thread: Jokes

  1. #1395
    Regular Member extremenanopowe's Avatar
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    wow... I have never thought about being too safe. lol.

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    Regular Member 7SamuraiX's Avatar
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    anyone want to try give that shuttle a hit?

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    Why did the shuttle in the picture wears a rain coat?
    Really, you want the other 3 people to play with your shuttle without any protection? I don't think so...

  4. #1398
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    The government today announced that it's changing the flag to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation,halts production,destroys the next generation,protects a bunch of dicks,and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. It just doesn't get more accurate than that!!!

  5. #1399
    Regular Member extremenanopowe's Avatar
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    HOLY HUMOUR

    A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
    His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
    The son replied, "I do know!"
    "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
    "That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for *'Basic
    Information Before Leaving Earth*.'

    =======

    There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
    "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
    "Only the Ten Commandments!!" answered the lady.

    ========

    "Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say,
    "Good Lord, it's morning."

    ========

    A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
    Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
    When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

    ========

    There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

    ========

    A teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
    A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
    "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
    "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

    ========

    A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
    "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
    The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."


    ========

    People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

    ========

    The parish priest was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.
    The substitute wanted to know what to play.
    "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
    During the service, the parish priest paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, *please stand up!*"
    At that moment, the substitute organist played "The National Anthem"
    And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

    =========*

    Give me a sense of humour, Lord,
    Give me the grace to see a joke,
    To get some humour out of life,
    And pass it on to other folk...!

    Have a Blessed and Wonderful Day - Always!

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    The organist playing the national anthem is hilarious

    My whole family laugh ...

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    The humour part is a good one...you see the world in a whole lot different way

  8. #1402
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    Give me a sense of humour, Lord,
    Give me the grace to see a joke,
    To get some humour out of life,
    And pass it on to other folk...!

    Have a Blessed and Wonderful Day - Always!

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    Breaking News:

    The UN has said that if they capture Gaddafi they will put him where he can do no harm to anyone...
    ................ up front for Arsenal.

  10. #1404
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    Quote Originally Posted by madbad View Post
    Breaking News:

    The UN has said that if they capture Gaddafi they will put him where he can do no harm to anyone...
    ................ up front for Arsenal.
    Very good one.

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    Hahaha


  13. #1407
    Regular Member extremenanopowe's Avatar
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    how true right?

    Men:
    1. All men are extremely busy.
    2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
    3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
    4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
    5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck
    with others.

    Women:
    1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
    2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive
    clothes and stuff.
    3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something
    to wear.
    4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress
    beautifully.
    5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just
    "an old rag".
    6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect
    you to compliment them.
    7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't
    believe you.

  14. #1408
    Regular Member extremenanopowe's Avatar
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    Good one. You are not there yet right?

    Men & Women: Q & A

    Q: Where can single men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?

    A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.

    Q: What can a man do while his wife is going
    through menopause?

    A: Keep busy. If handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When done, you have a place to live.

    Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the
    bible... Is that true? Where is it?

    A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
    "And Mary rode Joseph's a-ss all the way to Egypt ..."

    Q: How can I increase the heart rate of my over-60 year-old mate?

    A: Tell him you're pregnant.

    Q: How can I avoid that terrible curse of unsightly wrinkles?

    A: Take off your glasses.

    Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

    A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..

    Q: Why should 60-plus people use valet parking?

    A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

    Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

    A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

    Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

    A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

    Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?

    A: On their foreheads.

    Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year
    olds when they enter antique stores?

    A: "Gosh, I remember all these!"

    ------------
    Someone Told Me About Hist Experience:

    My First Condom recall my first time with a condom.
    I was 16. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the corner pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Susie) knew what they were for.

    She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

    I honestly answered, 'No, not really.' So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.' So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on, Joe?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her. She then beat the poo out of me....

    Women have always been hard for me to figure out...
    -------------
    Best quote of the year by Brazilian Medicine Nobel prize winner oncologist Drauzio Varella.

    ‘Today we are spending 5 times more money in medications for male virility and female silicone than in finding a cure for Alzheimer’s. In a few years we’ll have old women with big breasts and (old) men with hard pe.nises but they won’t remember their use.’
    -------------
    VD new strain

    While in China , a (US) man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his pe.nis covered with bright green and purple spots.

    Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

    The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

    The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'

    The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc.'

    The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate it.'

    The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

    The doctor replies, 'Well, go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'

    The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his pe.nis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'

    The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate it!'

    The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'

    ‘Oh, thank God!' the man replies.

    'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'Wait two weeks ... fawl off by self!'

  15. #1409
    Regular Member extremenanopowe's Avatar
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    lmao...

    A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
    Inside, he finds couple in bed.
    He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.
    While tying the home owner's wife to the bed
    The convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
    Then gets up & goes into the bathroom.


    While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
    'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
    He's probably spent a lot of time in jail
    And hasn't seen a woman in years.
    I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants ***,
    Don't resist, don't complain...do what ever he tells you.
    Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
    This guy is obviously very dangerous.
    If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.
    Be strong, honey. I love you!'


    His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck.
    He was whispering in my ear.
    He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute,
    And asked if we had any Vaseline.
    I told him it was in the bathroom.
    Be strong honey. I love you too.'

  16. #1410
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    Thanks extremenanopowe. This woke me up from my boring work. LOL.

  17. #1411
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    Default 3 Schizophrenia

    Maybe you've heard this joke before but my little nephew came to my house today and told me this joke just before our badminton session and i just can't stand laughing even while playing......

    3 schizophrenia patients are on their way to be transferred from East Malaysia to West Malaysia using a private chattered airplane. Since they are schizophrenic, while on board, 2 of them create havoc by destroying most of the airplane's seats. One of the pilot came out and was shock to see the destruction made. However, he also notice that one of them, Mr A, is not as wild like two of his friends so the pilot tried his luck asking a favor from him if he can advice 2 of his colleagues to behave.

    Half a hour later, it appears that the condition seems to be very quite and out of curiosity, the same pilot went to the passenger area to see what's the condition of the 3 schizophrenia patient. The pilot then asked Mr A:

    Pilot : Thanks mate for advising your friends just now
    Mr A : No problem captain

    Pilot : What advice did you give to them?
    Mr A : I advice them not to play and make noise here and if they still want to play, just go and play outside!!!!!

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