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Thread: Jokes

  1. #1412
    Regular Member extremenanopowe's Avatar
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    enjoy..
    ForSale:
    Wedding Dress, Size 8.
    Worn OnceBy Mistake.


    Every Wife Is A 'Mistress" For Her Husband.
    "Miss" For One Hour&"Stress" Forthe Rest 23 Hours..!.



    There Are Two TimesWhenA Man Doesn't UnderstandA Woman
    Before Marriage AndAfter Marriage.

    Wife : IWill Die.
    Husband :I Will Also Die.
    Wife : WhyWill You Die ?
    Husband : BecauseICan't Bear That Much Happiness..!.


    My Husband And IDivorced Over Religious Differences.
    He Thought HeWas God, And I Didn't.


    Marriage Is Like A Public Toilet
    Those Waiting Outside Are Desperate To Get In
    & Those Inside Are Desperate To Come Out.


    Why Were HurricanesUsually Named After Women?
    Because When TheyArrive,They're Wet AndWild, But
    When They Go, TheyTake YourHouse And Car..


    Text Messaging
    Husband Sends The Following Message To His Wife
    My Love,
    If You're Sleeping, Send Me Your Dreams.
    If You're Smiling, Send Me Your Smile.
    If You're Crying, Send Me Your Tears.
    I Love You.
    Wife Texed Back :
    I'm In The Toilet,
    What Should I Send You?



    The Woman Applying ForA Job In A Florida LemonGrove
    Seemed Way TooQualified For The Job.
    "Look Miss," Said The Foreman,"Have You Any Actual
    Experience InPicking Lemons?"
    "Well, As A MatterOf Fact, Yes!"She Replied.
    "I've BeenDivorced Three Times."



    Whisky Is A Brilliant Invention.
    One Double And You Start Feeling Single Again.


    A Man Goes To The Wizard To Ask IfHe Can
    Remove A Curse HeHas Been Living With For The Last 40 Years.
    The Wizard Says, "Maybe,But You Will Have To Tell Me
    The Exact Words ThatWere Used To Put The Curse On You."
    The Man SaysWithout Hesitation,
    "I Now PronounceYou Man And Wife."


    Husband Searching Keywords On Google `How To Tackle Wife?`
    Google Search Result, `still Searching`.



    A Man Goes To A Shrink And Says,"Doctor, My Wife Is UnfaithfulTo Me.
    Every Evening, She GoesTo Larry's Bar And PicksUp Men.
    In Fact, She Sleeps WithAnybody Who Asks Her!
    I'm GoingCrazy.
    What Do YouThink I Should Do?"
    "Relax," SaysThe Doctor,
    "Take A Deep Breath And CalmDown.
    Now, Tell Me, Exactly Where IsLarry's Bar?"


    Husband Throwing Darts At His Wife’s Photo And Not Even A Single One Hitting The Target..
    From Another Room Wife Called The Husband : “Honey What Are You Doing..
    Husband: “MISSING YOU”..



    A Man Goes ToSee The Rabbi.
    "Rabbi, Something Terrible Is Happening And I HaveTo Talk To You About It."
    The Rabbi Asked,"What's Wrong?"
    The Man Replied, "MyWife Is Poisoning Me."
    The Rabbi, VerySurprised By This, Asks,"How Can That Be?"
    The man then pleads,"I'm telling you, I'm certainshe's poisoning me,what should I do?"
    The RabbiThen Offers,
    "Tell You What. Let Me Talk ToHer, I'll See WhatI Can Find Out And I'll Let You Know."
    The Rabbi Calls after a while And Says,
    "Well I SpokeTo Her For Three Hours.
    You WantMy Advice?"
    The ManSaid Yes
    The RabbiReplied,
    "TakeThe poison
    '

  2. #1413
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    jokes:
    u get caught if u wear yellow or with word of 'bersih' in malaysia

  3. #1414
    Regular Member ctjcad's Avatar
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    Default The Math Teacher

    ..this one, i'm sure a lot of you have read before; if not, enjoy!..

    Teacher Arrested

    A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press... conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.
    He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

    'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said.. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values .' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

    When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.' White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President - It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

  4. #1415
    Regular Member extremenanopowe's Avatar
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    A man in Hell asked Devil:
    Can I make a call to my Wife?
    After making call he asked how much to pay.
    Devil : Nothing, Hell to hell is Free.

  5. #1416
    Regular Member extremenanopowe's Avatar
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    NO Speak English


    A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.


    One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.


    Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.


    On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...



    (Please scroll down.)




























    What were you
    thinking?


    Her husband SPEAKS English!

    Now get back to your emails.


    I worry about you
    sometimes!





















  6. #1417
    Regular Member extremenanopowe's Avatar
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    A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?












    The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the
    man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.





    >


    >



    >


    The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same
    monastery.
    >


    >


    >


    >


    The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..


    >



    >


    That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.


    >


    >


    >


    >


    >


    The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,


    We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

    >


    >


    >


    >


    The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.

    If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?



    >


    The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.


    >


    >
    >

    The man sets about his task. Some thiry-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,996,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,779,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.



    >

    >


    >


    The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk .

    We shall now show you the way to
    the sound.

    >


    >


    >


    The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.

    >


    >


    >


    The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?


    >




    The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

    >


    >


    Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The
    man requeststhe key to the stone door.

    >


    >


    >


    The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire
    . And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...

    >


    >



    >


    >...silver, topaz, and amethyst.

    >


    >



    >


    Finally, the
    monks say, This is the key to the last door .

    >



    >


    >


    >


    >


    The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight


    >


    >


    >


    >


    >


    >


    >


    >


    .. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

    >


    >




    DON'T SWEAR AT ME;

    I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO STARTED THIS !

    but I bet you send it on

  7. #1418
    Regular Member pBmMalaysia's Avatar
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    That's a disturbing one Could have smack the idiot if he is in front

  8. #1419
    Regular Member extremenanopowe's Avatar
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    me also. wasted my time.

    40 years of marriage..


    A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
    Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
    She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
    Error! Filename not specified.
    The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband
    The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.


    The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
    The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
    Error! Filename not specified.
    So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...
    The husband became 92 years old.


    The moral of this story:
    Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....
    Error! Filename not specified.
    SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH .
    AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT!

  9. #1420
    Regular Member pBmMalaysia's Avatar
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    On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket.

    The blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."

    Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her.

    He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.

    Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."

    The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.

    The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."

    He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear.

    She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself,

    "Why didn't anyone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.

    He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
    Last edited by pBmMalaysia; 07-29-2011 at 07:49 AM.

  10. #1421
    Regular Member pBmMalaysia's Avatar
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    Julie the blonde was getting pretty desperate for money.
    She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighbourhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy-woman.

    The first house she came to, a man answered the door
    and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for ya. How would you like to paint the porch?"

    "Sure that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, uh, how much do you want?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks OK?" Julie asked.

    "Yeah that's great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."

    The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.

    "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife.

    "Well she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.

    About 15 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed.

    "You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.

    "Oh, and by the way, "said Julie, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
    Last edited by pBmMalaysia; 07-29-2011 at 08:01 AM.

  11. #1422
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    Are blonde really that dumb ? A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions - "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?" The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off. Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?" The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

  12. #1423
    Regular Member pBmMalaysia's Avatar
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    An elephant asks a camel: "Why are your breasts on your back?" "Well," says the camel, "I think that's a strange question from somebody whose dick is on his face."

  13. #1424
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    Quote Originally Posted by pBmMalaysia View Post
    An elephant asks a camel: "Why are your breasts on your back?" "Well," says the camel, "I think that's a strange question from somebody whose dick is on his face."
    omg....this is just too 'wicked'....

  14. #1425
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    A redneck calls up the White House and tells the receptionist:

    "I'd like to become the next President of the United States.

    "The receptionist: "What are you, an idiot?"

    Redneck: "Why, is it required?"

  15. #1426
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    If there are any idiots in the room,

    will they please stand up said the sarcastic teacher.

    After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

    "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.

    "Well, actually I don't," said the student,

    "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

  16. #1427
    Regular Member pBmMalaysia's Avatar
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    TRAFFIC VIOLATION.
    When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher.

    The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight.

    "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."


    POOL STORY.
    A man in a swimming pool was on the very top diving board.

    He poised, lifted his arms, and was about to dive when the attendant came running up, shouting,

    "Don't dive there's no water in that pool!"

    "That's all right," said the man. "I can't swim!"
    Last edited by pBmMalaysia; 07-30-2011 at 09:53 AM.

  17. #1428
    Regular Member pBmMalaysia's Avatar
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    An idiotic laborer was told by an equally idiotic foreman to dig a hole in the road.

    "And what shall I do with the earth, sir?" asked the laborer.

    "Don't be daft, man," he replied.

    "Just dig another hole and bury it."

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