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Thread: Jokes

  1. #1429
    Regular Member pBmMalaysia's Avatar
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    1/ Did you hear about the idiot who made his chickens drink boiling water?
    He thought they would lay hard boiled eggs.

    2/ Did you hear about the idiot who invented the one-piece jigsaw puzzle?

    3/ Did you hear about the rookie Rhode Island cop who gave out twenty-two parking tickets before he found out he was at a drive-in movie?

    4/ How does an idiot call for his dog?
    He puts two fingers in his mouth and then shouts Rover.
    Last edited by pBmMalaysia; 07-30-2011 at 09:18 AM.

  2. #1430
    Regular Member pBmMalaysia's Avatar
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    One day a man went to an auction.

    While there, he bid on a parrot.

    He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding.

    He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid,

    so he bid higher and higher and higher.

    Finally, after he bid way more than he intended,

    he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!

    As he was paying for the parrot,

    he said to the auctioneer,

    "I sure hope this parrot can talk.

    I would hate to have paid this much for it,

    only to find out that he can't talk!"

    "Don't worry." said the Auctioneer,

    "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?
    Last edited by pBmMalaysia; 08-01-2011 at 08:12 AM.

  3. #1431
    Regular Member extremenanopowe's Avatar
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    Dear People of Australia ,


    Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the
    Economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put
    Workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme
    Will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).



    Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible
    For the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).



    Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the
    SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be
    RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government
    Deems appropriate.



    Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for
    Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel
    Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not
    Be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government..



    Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much ****
    (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government
    Has always prided itself in the amount of **** it gives out. Should
    You feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring this to the
    Attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the
    **** you can handle.

  4. #1432
    Regular Member extremenanopowe's Avatar
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    Bad conductor

    A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.

    He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there’s a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it’s Texas he’s sent to the electric chair.

    On the day of his execution he’s sat in the chair and the executionergrants him a final wish.



    “Well” says the man, “Is that your packed lunch over there?” “Yes”answers the executioner. “Can I have that green banana?”

    The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he’s eaten it. When the man’s finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can’t believe it.

    “Can I go?” the man asks. “I suppose so” says the executioner, “That’s never happened before.”

    The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed.



    The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

    The bloke again sat in the chair. “What is your final wish?” asks the executioner. “Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?” says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana.

    The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair. The executioner can’t believe it and lets the man go.

    Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again.



    The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

    “What’s your final wish ?” asks the executioner. “Well” says the man, “Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?” The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included.

    The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

    “I give up” says the executioner, “I don’t understand how you can still be alive after all that?”. He stroked his chin. “It’s something to do with that green banana isn’t it” he asked.

    Nahh” said the bloke, “This is all because I’m just a really bad conductor”

  5. #1433
    Regular Member extremenanopowe's Avatar
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    Father and Sons

    There was a father who called hzis 5 small children together.

    As the sat together in a circle on the floor the dad placed a toy in the middle.

    He explained to them that he won this toy as a door prize and he wanted to give it to one of them.

    He asked them "who is the most obedient?"

    Five sets of eyes looked up at him.

    Sensing that they didn't understand the word he then asked, "ok, who always obeys mommy, and does everything she says?"

    One of the children picked up the toy and handed it to the father. "You win!" exclaimed the child.

  6. #1434
    Regular Member addicted's Avatar
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    A husband went to work at 9 in the morning as usual. For some reason he had to be back home later during the day while running some errands. When he entered the house, he was surprised to see his wife in bed with a man who placed his head on her breasts. The husband demanded, "What on earth are you doing?"

    To which the stranger nonchalantly replied, "Quiet! I am listening to music!!"

    The husband shoved the stranger aside and said, "Let me listen!" and placed his head on his wife's breasts.

    He exclaimed in suspicion, "I don't seem to hear any music."

    "Of course not," quipped the stranger, "You're not plugged in!"

  7. #1435
    Regular Member pBmMalaysia's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by addicted View Post
    A husband went to work at 9 in the morning as usual. For some reason he had to be back home later during the day while running some errands. When he entered the house, he was surprised to see his wife in bed with a man who placed his head on her breasts. The husband demanded, "What on earth are you doing?" To which the stranger nonchalantly replied, "Quiet! I am listening to music!!" The husband shoved the stranger aside and said, "Let me listen!" and placed his head on his wife's breasts. He exclaimed in suspicion, "I don't seem to hear any music." "Of course not," quipped the stranger, "You're not plugged in!"
    I bet after that, that stranger would be very much plugged in with live wire for some electrifying music

  8. #1436
    Regular Member extremenanopowe's Avatar
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    Watch the ball



    Mark is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since hisretirement 35 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.

    "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I can't see where it went."

    His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take your old mate Kevin, and give it one more try."

    "That's no good" sighs Mark, "Kevin's a hundred and three. He can't help."

    "He may be a hundred and three", says Mark's wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

    So the next day Mark heads off to the golf course with Kevin. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to Kevin and says, "Did you see the ball?"

    "Of course I did!" replied Kevin. "I have perfect eyesight".

    "Where did it go?" says Mark.

    "I don't remember."

  9. #1437
    Regular Member extremenanopowe's Avatar
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    The government today announced that it's changing the flag to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation,halts production,destroys the next generation,protects a bunch of dicks,and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. It just doesn't get more accurate than that!!!

  10. #1438
    Regular Member extremenanopowe's Avatar
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    A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?'

    'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?

  11. #1439
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    When I was 10 -

    rubber meant eraser,
    ass meant donkey,
    gay meant happy,
    straight meant linear,
    making out meant 'logical detection',
    Cock meant rooster,
    pussy meant cat,
    stag meant a male deer,
    prick meant a jab,
    poke meant a nudge,
    chick meant a baby hen,
    screw meant a carpenter's implement and
    a Tit was always for Tat!!

    Damn! - English has changed so much !!!!!

    [FONT='times new roman', 'new york', times, serif]
    [/FONT]

    [FONT='times new roman', 'new york', times, serif]
    [/FONT]

    [FONT='times new roman', 'new york', times, serif]
    [/FONT]

  12. #1440
    Regular Member extremenanopowe's Avatar
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    My Teacher pointed at me with a Ruler & said:
    At the End of this Ruler is an Idiot I still don't get why I got rusticated.
    I only asked him, Which End Sir?


    ************************************************** ***********

    Father to son: why don't u just go and study?
    Son: what for?
    Father: U'll get good marks...
    Son: then?
    Father: U'll get good job.
    Son: then?
    Father: U'll have big house, new car.
    Son: so what after that?
    Father: after that U'll relax.
    Son: so what do u think I m doing right now???

    *********************************************
    An Ugly Truth:

    In Bed,
    It's 6AM,
    You Close Your Eyes for 5 mins...
    ...& it's 7:45

    But in Office,
    It's 9:30am
    You Close Your Eyes for 5 mins...
    & It's Still 9:31

    *********************************************

    A lady manager of a big reputed office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into her cabin.

    "What is your name?" was the first thing she asked the new guy.
    "John," the new guy replied.

    She scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ...that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
    .
    .
    .
    .
    The new guy sighed, "Darling............ My name is John Darling."
    "Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . .."

  13. #1441
    Regular Member demolidor's Avatar
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    Comedy sketch from russian tv (controversialy & mysteriously censored before airing



    ... based on ... (grey suit, back facing)



    ... reminding of ...

    Last edited by demolidor; 09-14-2011 at 03:13 PM.

  14. #1442
    Regular Member extremenanopowe's Avatar
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    [FONT='arial narrow', sans-serif]Overheard at a Golf Club changing room[/FONT]

    [FONT='arial narrow', sans-serif]

    A bunch of blokes are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

    BLOKE: "Hello"
    WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"
    BLOKE: "Yes"
    WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat.
    It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
    BLOKE: "Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much."

    WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
    BLOKE: "How much?"
    WOMAN: "$100,000"
    BLOKE: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

    WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
    BLOKE: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price."
    WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
    BLOKE: "Bye! I love you, too." The bloke hangs up.

    The other blokes in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

    He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
    [/FONT]
    [FONT='arial narrow', sans-serif]
    [/FONT]

  15. #1443
    Regular Member extremenanopowe's Avatar
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    Marriage Life Before and After !!

    Before marriage.
    Darling here.. darling there...
    After marriage.
    Baling here... baling there..

    Before marriage.
    I die for you. . .
    After marriage.
    'You die, up to you. '
    Lagi lama married.
    You die I help you!

    Before marriage.
    You go anywhere. . I follow you.
    After marriage. .
    You go anywhere. . up to you .
    Lagi lama married.
    You go anywhere better get lost!!

    Before wedding
    you are my heart, you are my love'
    After wedding
    'you get on my nerves. '

    Before wedding
    'you are sweet and kind just like Cinderella'
    After wedding
    'you are worse than godzila'

    Before wedding
    Roses are red, violets are blue. Like it or not, I'm stuck with you
    After wedding
    Roses are dead, I am blue. You get on my head, I will sue you

    Before wedding
    Every makan he brings you to Shangri-La
    After wedding
    You want to go, he says you wait-la

    Before wedding
    She looks like Anita Sarawak
    After wedding
    Don't know whether katak or biawak

    Send instant messages to your online friends who need a good
    laugh...................... esp if they are married......... !!!



    () '''' ()
    ( 'o' )'')
    =(,,)====



  16. #1444
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    Quote Originally Posted by extremenanopowe View Post
    Marriage Life Before and After !!

    Before marriage.
    Darling here.. darling there...
    After marriage.
    Baling here... baling there..

    Before marriage.
    I die for you. . .
    After marriage.
    'You die, up to you. '
    Lagi lama married.
    You die I help you!

    Before marriage.
    You go anywhere. . I follow you.
    After marriage. .
    You go anywhere. . up to you .
    Lagi lama married.
    You go anywhere better get lost!!

    Before wedding
    you are my heart, you are my love'
    After wedding
    'you get on my nerves. '

    Before wedding
    'you are sweet and kind just like Cinderella'
    After wedding
    'you are worse than godzila'

    Before wedding
    Roses are red, violets are blue. Like it or not, I'm stuck with you
    After wedding
    Roses are dead, I am blue. You get on my head, I will sue you

    Before wedding
    Every makan he brings you to Shangri-La
    After wedding
    You want to go, he says you wait-la

    Before wedding
    She looks like Anita Sarawak
    After wedding
    Don't know whether katak or biawak

    Send instant messages to your online friends who need a good
    laugh...................... esp if they are married......... !!!



    () '''' ()
    ( 'o' )'')
    =(,,)====


    I just saw this joke in Malaysia's Megabest Jokes

  17. #1445
    Regular Member extremenanopowe's Avatar
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    Subject: The Camel


    A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert.

    During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

    He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

    The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have the camel."

    The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

    About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges.

    Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

    Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane *** with the camel.

    When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

    "No, not really, sir ...They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

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