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Thread: Jokes

  1. #1480
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    I Could Use a Little Money





    Dear Father,

    $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need,

    $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

    Love,
    Your $on.

    After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.

    Dear Son,

    I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

    Love,
    Dad

  2. #1481
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    Women of all seasons.




    A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche car and his parents began to yell and scream,

    'Where did you get that car?'

    He calmly told them, 'I bought it today.'

    'With what money?' demanded his parents.

    We know what a Porsche car costs..'

    'Well,' said the boy, 'this one cost me only fifteen dollars.'

    So the parents began to yell even louder. 'Who would sell a carlike that for fifteen dollars?' they asked.

    'It was the lady up the street,' said the boy. Don't know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche car for fifteen dollars.'

    'Oh my Goodness !,' moaned the mother, 'she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what is going on.'

    So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche car for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

    'Well,' she said, 'this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.'

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    You might appreciate this one - I did!




    An Arab sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, they
    had to store some of his blood type in case the need arose.

    He had a rare type of blood which could not be found locally, so an appeal was made.
    Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. He willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

    After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.

    A couple of days later, the Arab had have some corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his
    blood again.

    After the second operation, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

    The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.

    He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a
    thank-you card & a box of chocolates."
    *
    *
    *
    *
    To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".


  4. #1483
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    Think out of the box. lol.
    Alternative Medicine




    EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:

    'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

    'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

    'How much do you charge?'

    'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

    'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

    Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

    'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

    'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

    'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'

    FORGET THE SHRINKS. HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!

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    The Banana Test !




    There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals, a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel, who pass by.

    They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.

    Who do you guess will win?

    Your answer will reflect your personality.

    So think carefully…

    Try and answer within 30 seconds !!!

    Got your answer?

    Now scroll down to see the analysis...














    If your answer is:

    Lion = you’re dull.

    Chimpanzee = you’re a moron.

    Giraffe = you’re a complete idiot.

    Squirrel = you’re just hopelessly stupid.

    ——————————————-

    A COCONUT TREE DOESN’T HAVE BANANAS.
    Obviously you’re stressed and overworked.
    You should take some time off and relax!
    Try again next year.!

  6. #1485
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    from a blogger...lol
    How Singapore got its name


    Version 1 : When Raffles stepped out of his boat on to Boat Quay, a man was running by announcing the birth of his son in hokkien. 'see ta poh, see ta poh'


    Version 2 : I thought the story was like this : The malay/indian king, Parameswara, was sleeping under a tree and was dreaming. He was rudely awakened by an animal resembling a lion. So, out of shock, he screamed ' Singa porda ! Singa porda ' (which means, 'lion, get lost!')


    Version 3 : When Raffles sailed up the Singapore river for the first time, a malay lady was bathing in the river, having left her clothes on the river bank. A Singh came by and stole her clothes. The upset lady started shouting after him, 'Singh Kapoh, Singh Kapoh'

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    From drifit.

    A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.

    The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says,
    "What are you doing?"
    "I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
    While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want
    to miss an opportunity either, so he asked... "Well, before
    you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

    So she does... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.

    After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best
    kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could
    be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?

    "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl........".

  8. #1487
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    The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.





    As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".



    In the first year, "S" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.



    There will be growing publik
    enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.










    In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.








    Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.



    Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.



    By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".



    During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
    kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.







    Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.



    Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.


    If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.



  9. #1488
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    you guys owe me lots of happiness....

    English
    Husband texts to wife on cell
    Hi, what r u doing Darling?
    Wife: I'm dying
    Husband jumps with joy but types "Sweet Heart, how can I live without U?"
    Wife: "U idiot! I'm dying my hair
    Husband: "Bloody English Language!

    Angry wife to her husband
    An Angry Wife To Her Husband 0n Phone:
    "Where d Hell are you...?"
    Husband: Darling You Remember That Jewellery Shop Where You Saw The
    Diamond Necklace n Totally Fell In Love With It and I didn't Have
    money that time and? I said "Baby It'll Be Yours one Day …
    Wife, With A Smile & Blushing: Yeah I Remember That My Love!
    Husband: I am in the pub Just Next To That Shop


    A Special Package for Business Men.
    An Airline Introduced A Special Package For Business Men. Buy Ur
    Ticket Get Ur Wife's Ticket Free. After Great Success, The Company
    Sent Letters To All The Wives Asking How Was The Trip.
    All Of Them Gave The Same Reply..."Which Trip?"

    Husband was seriously ill
    Doc to wife: Give him a healthy breakfast, be
    pleasant & in gud mood, don't discuss ur problems, no tv serial, don't
    demand new clothes & gold jewels,
    Do this for one year and he will be ok.
    On the way home.. Husband: what did the doc say ?
    Wife:- .No chance for u to survive

    An intelligent wife
    ''An Intelligent Wife Is One Who Makes Sure She Spends So Much
    That Her Husband Can't Afford Another Women"

    New SIM to surprise her husband
    Woman Buys A New Sim Card Puts It In Her Phone And Decides To Surprise
    Her Husband Who Is Seated On The Couch In The Living Room. She Goes To
    The Kitchen, Calls Her Husband With The New Number: "Hello Darling"
    The Husband Responds in a low tone: "Let Me Call U Back
    Later Honey, The Dumb Lady Is In The Kitchen

    Wife treats husband
    A Wife Treats Hubby By Taking Him To A Lap Dance Club For His Birthday..
    At The Club: Doorman Says: Hi Jim how are you?
    Wife Asks: How Does He Know You?
    Jim Says: Oh Dear, I Play Football with Him
    Inside Barman Says: The Usual Jim
    Jim Says To Wife: Before You Say Anything, He's On the Darts Team in My
    Local
    Next A Lap Dancer Says: Hi Jim
    Do You Crave Special Again
    The Wife Storms Out Dragging Jim With Her & Jumps Into A Taxi..
    Driver Says "Hey Jimmy Boy, You Picked Up An Ugly One This Time.."
    Jim's Funeral Is On Sunday

    Cool message by a wife
    Cool Msg by a woman: Dear Mother-in-law, "Don't Teach me how to handle
    my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of
    improvement"

    Sweet demand by kid
    A kid was beaten by his mom. Dad came and asked - what happen son?
    Kid said I can't adjust with your wife anymore, I want my own.

    Lion bounced on wife
    In an African Safari, A LION suddenly bounced on Santa's wife.
    WIFE: Shoot him! Shoot him!
    SANTA: Yes, Yes. I'm changing the battery of my camera..

    Throwing knives on wife's picture
    Husband was throwing knives on wife's picture. All were missing the
    target!
    Suddenly he received call from her "Hi, what r u doing?"
    His honest reply, "MISSING U"

    I will think about it
    When a married man says "I'll think about it",
    What he really means that, He doesn't know his wife's opinion yet..

    Habbit of talking in sleep
    A Lady to Doctor:
    My husband has the habit of talking in sleep! What shud I give him to cure?
    Dr: Give him an Opportunity to speak when he is awake

    Part & Art of living
    Having "WIFE" Is A Part Of Living...
    But Having "GIRLFRIEND" Along With The "WIFE" Is Art Of Living.

    Head & Neck of the family
    It is said that Husband is the head of the family, but remember that
    wife is the Neck of the family & the Neck can turn the Head exactly
    the way she wants.

    Do you want dinner
    Wife: Do you want dinner?
    Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
    Wife: Yes and no.

    What is the Difference between Mother & Wife What is the Difference between Mother & Wife?
    A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other ensures U
    Continue to do so.

    To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire
    Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a
    millionaire"
    Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
    Interviewer: "Wow, she?must be some woman.
    Interviewer: "What were you before you married her?"
    Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
    I look at your picture and the problem disappears
    Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
    Darling: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at
    your picture and the problem disappears.
    Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
    Darling: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other
    problem Can there be greater than this one?

    Honey what r u looking for?
    Wife: honey, what r u looking for?
    Husband: nothing
    Wife: why have u been reading our marriage certificate for an hour?
    Husband: i was just looking for the expiry date

    Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
    Husband asks: Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means...
    Without?Information,?Fighting?Everytime!
    WIFE says: No darling, it means:
    With?Idiot?For?Ever

    Wife wish 2 be a newspaper
    Wife: I wish I ? b a newspaper so I would be in ur hands all day.
    Husband: I too wish that u were a newspaper so I could have a new one every
    day.

    Husband, wife & spare tyre
    HUSBAND and WIFE are like tyres of a vehicle. If 1 punctures, the
    vehicle can't move further
    Moral: Always Keep a SPARE TYRE....

    Similarity between chewing gum & wife
    What's the similarity between chewing gum & wife ??
    Both are sweet at the beginning and become tasteless, shapeless in the end.

    Too late for garbage
    Wife Running After A Garbage Truck:
    Am I Too Late For The Garbage?
    Hubby Following Her Yelled: Not Yet.
    Jump In Fast.

    A man came home late at night after a party.
    His wife yelled: "how would you feel if you don't see me for two days?"
    The man couldn believe his luck: 'that would be great'!
    Monday passed and he didn see her......
    Tuesday and Wednesday passed too.....
    On Thursday his swelling became better
    And now he could see her from the corner of one eye.

    Who is guilty (Husband / Wife)?
    Wife is dreaming in the middle of the night and suddenly shouts: "Up!
    Quick! My husband is back!" Man gets up, jumps out of the window,
    hurts himself, and then realizes: "Damn, I am the husband!"

    Difference between Friend & Wife
    Difference between Friend & Wife
    U can Tell ur Friend "U r my Best Friend"
    But Do u have courage 2 tell to ur Wife "U r my Best Wife?"

    Dream of receiving jewellery & cloths
    Wife: yesterday-night I saw a dream that u were sending me jewellery
    and clothes!
    Husband: yeah, I saw your dad paying the bill!!!

    Recently fired stock trader
    A recently fired stock trader said ...
    "This is worse than divorce... I have lost everything and I
    still have my wife..."

    Message of the year
    Women live a better, longer & peaceful life..!!
    Why? Very simple...
    A woman does not have a wife..!!!

    Husband to a newly wed wife
    Husband to a newly wed wife: I could go to the end of the world for you.
    Wife: Thanks, but promise me you will stay there for the rest of your life.

    Why did u shoot ur wife?
    Judge: why did u shoot ur wife instead of shooting her lover?
    Man: Your honour, it's easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one
    man every week.

    Your husband needs rest
    Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some
    sleeping pills.
    Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
    Doctor: They are for you.!!



  10. #1489
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    Achar Singh buys the new Automatic BMW X8 sport.He drives the Car perfectly well during the day, but at night the Car just won’t move at all. He tries driving the car at night for a week but still no luck. He then furiously calls the BMW dealers and they send out a technician to him, the technician asks “ Sir, are you sure you are using the right gears?” Full of anger Achar replies “You fool, idiot man, how you could ask such a question, I'm not stupid!! I use D for the Day and N for the Night...”

  11. #1490
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    Beer Vs Woman





    Most men like women. But, most men like beer too !

    So, for men it becomes a rather confusing choice between women and beer !

    Following is a debate, developed by the University of Mumbai, India.... To help you analyze which is better !

    Here is the debate .......



    A Beer is always wet, a woman is not !
    1 point for beer !


    Beer is horrible, when it is hot !
    1 point for women !


    A cold beer, satisfies you !
    1 point for beer !


    If you come back home smelling beer, your wife can get angry at you. If you come back home smelling women, your wife will get angry for sure and she might even not talk to you again !
    Draw ! ( Depends on your point of view ... )


    10 beers in a night and then you can't drive. 10 women in one night and you don't have to drive anywhere !
    1 point for women !


    The older, The beer is - the better, it is !
    1 point for beer !


    Many beers can make you see UFO's. Many women can make you see God !
    1 point for women !


    If you ask yourself how the next woman will be, you are normal. If you ask yourself how the next beer will be, you are an alcoholic !
    1 point for women !


    For a beer, you pay taxes !
    1 point for women !


    If you take a second beer, the first one doesn't get angry !
    1 point for beer !


    You can always be sure that, you are the first one " Opening " a beer
    !(hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!kamine)
    1 point for beer !



    If you shake a beer, after a while it calms down by itself !
    1 point for beer !


    You know exactly how much a beer costs !
    1 point for beer !


    A beer does not have a mother !
    1 point for beer !


    You can do it if you want, but beer won't ask you to hug her for half an hour after !
    1 point for beer !


    So the Score is .......... Beer beats women - 9 to 6 !


    If you are a woman reading this and getting angry ........ Know that a beer would never get angry ! So .......... Another point for beer !

    Now the final score is .......... Beer beats women - 10 to 6



  12. #1491
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    When you have an

    'I Hate My Job day'

    [Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]
    Try this out:
    Stop at your pharmacy and go to the
    Thermometer section and purchase
    A rectal thermometer made by

    Johnson & Johnson.

    Be very sure you get this brand.

    When you get home, lock your
    Doors, draw the curtains and
    Disconnect the phone so
    You will not be disturbed.

    Change into very comfortable
    Clothing and sit in your favorite
    Chair. Open the package and
    Remove the thermometer.


    Now, carefully place it on a table
    Or a surface so that it will not
    Become chipped or broken.

    Now the fun part begins.

    Take out the literature from
    The box andread it carefully.

    You will notice that in small
    Print there is this statement:

    "Every Rectal Thermometer
    Made by Johnson & Johnson
    Is personally tested And then sanitized."

    Now, close your eyes and repeat
    Out loud five times,' I am so glad
    I do not work in the thermometer
    Quality control department at
    Johnson & Johnson.'

    HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER,

    THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE
    WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A
    PAIN IN THE BUTT THAN YOURS!


    If you haven't got a smile on your face
    And laughter in your heart...

    Maybe you should go and work
    For Johnson and Johnson!

    Enjoy life now - It has an expiration date!





  13. #1492
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    This is a good one. Now I think my current job is not that bad.

  14. #1493
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    Rearrange the letters below to spell out


    an important part of the human body;
    which is even more useful when erect.

    P N E S I
    >























































    The Two People who wrote SPINE

    became doctors...........

    The Rest are all my friends.........









  15. #1494
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    Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking

    Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a ship that had sunk.

    "Follow me son", the father shark said to his son, and they swam to the survivors.

    "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

    "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
    And they did.

    "Now we eat everybody."
    And they did.

    When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them? Why did we swim around and around them?"

    His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the **** inside!"



    No need to thank me, try to learn something new every day.

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    You know you're going to forward this to someone...





    "Morning ***"





    She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T'-shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"





    My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.





    Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.





    Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"





    She explained, "The egg timer's broken."





    If morning *** takes a long time, the eggs will be over boiled. lol.








































































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    E-Bay Ripoff! Caution!!

    Spent $50 on E-bay for a penis enlarger.

    The bastards sent me a magnifying glass ...

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  3. tennis player jokes
    By The Badminator in forum Chit-Chat
    Replies: 7
    : 04-28-2007, 04:01 PM

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