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Thread: Jokes

  1. #1514
    Regular Member extremenanopowe's Avatar
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    A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara Desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead.

    After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

    'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'

    'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

    'Anything, Father.'

    'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'

    'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'




    The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.



    'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.......she consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

    'Father, could I ask something of you?'

    'Yes, Sister?'

    'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'

    'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.

    'Oh Father, may I touch it?'

    The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

    'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can Give Life.'

    'Is that true Father?'

    'Yes, it is, Sister.'

    'Oh Father, that's wonderful .... Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'






  2. #1515
    Regular Member extremenanopowe's Avatar
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    Life is like a penis --- simple, relaxed and hanging freely.

    It’s the women who make it hard for us.

  3. #1516
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    No Underwear - Makes Sense to Me

    A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
    'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
    The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
    'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.
    The old man slowly looked at him and said,
    'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'
    Last edited by nokh88; 04-07-2012 at 08:43 PM.

  4. #1517
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    US Navy At Its Best!!





    The following is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship and The British authorities, near the coast off England . The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95.





    British: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid collision.

    US Navy: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid collision.



    British: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.



    US Navy: This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

    British: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.



    US Navy: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln. The second largest ship in the United States ' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north. That's 15 degrees north, or counter measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

    British: Sorry we cannot divert. We are a lighthouse.














    Tiger Woods And Stevie Wonder

    Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar...
    Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"
    Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"



    Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now."
    Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."



    Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"
    Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years."

    Tiger says, "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
    Stevie Wonder replies, "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

    But, "How do you putt" asks Tiger.
    "Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball toward his voice."

    Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"
    Stevie says, "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."

    Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
    Stevie replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"

    Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"




    Stevie Wonder says, "Pick a night."

















    God Is A Genius!





    While creating wives, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.

    And then He made the earth round.






  5. #1518
    Regular Member extremenanopowe's Avatar
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    For old farts like you....




    [FONT='comic sans ms', sans-serif]Probably a matter of time now .....

    [FONT='comic sans ms', sans-serif]The older I get, the better I was.[/FONT]
    [/FONT]
    [FONT='comic sans ms', sans-serif]
    Several days ago as I left the club, I desperately gave myself a

    personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my car keys.
    They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the club revealed nothing.

    Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically,
    I headed for the parking lot. My wife has scolded me many times for
    leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the
    best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be
    stolen. As I burst through the doors of the club, I came to a
    terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was
    empty.

    I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed
    that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
    Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered.
    I always call her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in
    the car, and it has been stolen."


    [/FONT]
    [FONT='comic sans ms', sans-serif]There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped,
    but then I heard her voice. "Idiot", she barked, "I dropped you
    off!"


    [/FONT]


    [FONT='comic sans ms', sans-serif]Yep, it's getting like that. The golden years...
    [/FONT]

  6. #1519
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    The Italian Bookkeeper

    A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido,
    has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00

    His bookkeeper is deaf.
    That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

    It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

    When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10million,
    he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

    The Godfather tells the lawyer, " Ask him where the money is..! "

    The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido , " Where's the money..? "

    Guido signs back, " I don't know what you are talking about. "
    The lawyer tells the Godfather, " He says he doesn't know what you are talking about. "
    The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says,
    " Ask him again or I'll kill him..! "

    The lawyer signs to Guido, " He'll kill you if you don't tell him. "

    Guido trembles and signs back, " OK.! You win..!
    The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.

    The Godfather asks the lawyer, " What did he say..? "
    The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger. "

    Don't you just love lawyers..?

  7. #1520
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    Wink


  8. #1521
    Regular Member extremenanopowe's Avatar
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    Angering The Irish...


    Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."

    "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

    Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care.

    "The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"

    "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

    Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right, he's unshakable!"

    The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch."

    So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

    "Yeah, that's what your friends were trying to tell me."

  9. #1522
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    An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

    She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
    completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

    As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

    The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

    MORAL OF THE STORY

    Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ..... but all men...are men!

  10. #1523
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    Why Men Can't Win



    If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
    If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

    If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
    If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your *** and find something better.

    If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
    If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

    If you cry, you're a wimp.
    If you don't, you're insensitive.

    If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist pig, you bastard.
    If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

    If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
    If she asks you, it's a favor.

    If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
    If you don't, you're a slob.

    If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
    If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

    If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
    If you're not, you're not ambitious.

    If she has a headache, she's tired.
    If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore, and you must be sleeping around.

  11. #1524
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    What kind of Animal are you

    One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the
    bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.
    'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny.

    'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'


    'That's perfectly all right,' replied the
    snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm
    blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal
    are you?'

    'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny..
    'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'

    So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he
    said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and
    a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny
    rabbit!'

    The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But
    by the way, what kind of animal are you?'
    The snake replied that he didn't know either,
    and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished,
    the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'

    The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he
    replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you have no balls...You must
    be

    !


    !

    !


    ! a POLITICIAN'

  12. #1525
    Regular Member extremenanopowe's Avatar
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    Recently in Singapore there were some high profile under age girl prostitute case going on the prominent figures in the society. Below is a good joke... lol

    guy: $5 ?
    lady: I am not that sort of person.

    guy: $50
    lady: You think I am what sort of person ?

    guy: $500
    lady: Tonight I am your woman.

    guy: $5000
    lady: Tonight you can don't even treat me like a woman.

    guy: $50K
    lady: I don't care you bring how many people.

    guy: $500K
    lady: I don't even care is it human.

    (quoted hardwarezone)

    A day after their clients were charged, several of the lawyers representing them on Tuesday said they are planning to band together to approach the Attorney-General's Chambers to have the prostitute's details in court papers.
    The girl's name has so far been left out of charge sheets, with only the alleged pimp Tang Boon Thiew cited.
    Mr Subhas Anandan, who is representing 10 of the 44 men, said the plea will be for a gag order to be imposed, so that the girl will still be protected and not have her identity publicised.
    Otherwise, he argued on Monday, the charges were 'flawed'.
    Lawyer Amolat Singh said: 'The charge sheets should set out her date of birth so we know she was below 18 at the time of the offence.'





    6 - 0



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    Default Signs that you desperately want a new racket

    1. Out of nowhere, you start to develop allergic rashes while holding all of your more than half a year old racket
    2. The amount of clash that you make with your racket against your partner's racket is more than the amount of serve that you perform in the entire match
    3. You've forgotten where did you place all of your old racket
    4. All of your saving will be drain every month just to buy a new racket
    5. Even after you've bought every new racket there are in the market, you've still want to buy a new one even if it is from the same brand
    6. You start dreaming inventing your own new racket
    7. You don't mind that you don't own a new car, a new iPhone, a new LED TV as long as you have a brand new racket.

  14. #1527
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    Default Signs that you start to hate your double's partner

    1. You frequently make a mishit that end up hitting your partner body.....especially his head
    2. While your partner is at the front court, you frequently and purposely with all your heart lift all the birdie that comes to you so as near as possible to your opponent front court praying that they will do a front court jump smash towards your partner
    3. You frequently blamed him for not doing a smash even in fact he's struggling to return a smash
    4. You praised your opponent for his effort in winning their point after smashing your partner
    5. Most of your deadly smashes end up being received by your partner
    6. Suddenly while playing, you've forgotten that you have a partner and the game turns into a 1 vs 2 game play
    7. Frequently you forgot who is actually your partner even in fact he's your cousin
    8. Before a tournament, you end up discussing your game-play strategy with your opponent instead with your partner

  15. #1528
    Regular Member extremenanopowe's Avatar
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    Meaning of life




    God created the donkey and said to him
    The donkey answered:
    God granted his wish and
    God created the dog and said to him
    The dog answered:
    God granted his wish and
    God created the monkey and said to him
    The monkey answered:
    God granted his wish and
    God created the man and said to him
    The Man responded
    God granted his wish and
    THAT’S LIFE !




  16. #1529
    Regular Member Mark A's Avatar
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    I predict fewer than ten "getters" for this one:

    Why is a contour integral around Western Europe equal to zero?
    Because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe.

    One from my uni days:

    An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are travelling on a train through Scotland. They look out of the window and see some grazing sheep in a field.

    "That's interesting," the engineer muses, "looks like Scottish sheep are black."
    "No, no", replies the physicist, "some Scottish sheep are black."

    The mathematician sighs and gazes heaven-ward:

    "In Scotland there exists at least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which is black."

  17. #1530
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    Default Signs that you're addicted to Badminton Central

    1. Most of your court are booked through BC........ and
    2. Most of your racket also are bought through BC.......which means that
    3. Most of your unwanted racket also are sold off through BC
    4. If your internet line is down, you feel horribly depressed, far greater than loosing your brand new VTZF
    5. All of you birthday, anniversary and social gathering are done through BC
    6. If you're given a life and death scenario which in results you must choose between your money or BC.....you won't hesitate to choose BC
    7. You hope that one day....one day....there is a racket being invented that comes with a brand name of BC
    8. You hope Lin Dan is a BC member.............( is he ? )......and Dato'.....and PG.........
    9. Early in the morning, most people will start their daily life with a breakfast...or smoking a few stick of cigar.......but you........you will definitely start eagerly to log in to BC
    10. You start to advertise the "like/thanks" icon everywhere in your house, office, parking lot and especially inside the badminton hall where you play, hoping that you will get the same good feeling results similarly when people posted "like" in your BC profile
    11. The amount of your time connected with BC has surpassed the amount of time of your working hours.
    12. You start to ask topics that is not related to badminton in BC
    13. You just successfully log in to BC far longer than logging in to Facebook
    14. You start to tell your family members and friends that if they want to keep in touch with you, don't call your hand phone but instead just log in to BC and message you
    15. For every 1000 post that you made, you will celebrate like you just get married.


    ........add more my friend

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