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Thread: Jokes

  1. #1548
    Regular Member extremenanopowe's Avatar
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    For the divers:-
    An American asks the Irishman: 'Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?' To which the Irishman replies: 'If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat!'
    Makes sense, no?

  2. #1549
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    A Beautiful Story



    One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

    Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

    He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

    "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
    "We have to eat grass."

    "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said.

    "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,under that tree."

    "Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

    Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
    The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

    "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

    They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

    Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
    "Sir, you are too kind."

    "Thank you for taking all of us with you.

    The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.
    You'll really love my place.
    The grass is almost a foot high."


    Come on now...you really didn't think there was such a thing as a
    heart-warming lawyer story...did you????





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  4. #1550
    Regular Member demolidor's Avatar
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    Cool


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  6. #1551
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    LOW BATTERY




    A man saved his girlfriend’s phone number on his mobile as “LOW BATTERY ” with the ringing tone same as the low battery alert beep.
    So now whenever his girlfriend calls in his absence, his wife takes the phone, sees the "LOW BATTERY" alert and plugs it in to the charger.
    How brilliant, give that man a gold medal!

    NOW YOU MUST BE MOTIVATED TO USE THIS TACTIC .......



  7. #1552
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    this is one of my favorite stories off http://dontevenreply.com/all.php (the guy finds ads online and responds to them to try to annoy them, as a result there is sometimes swearing but theres none in this one)


    Operation: Soccer Escort




    Original ad:
    I am in need of a reliable and SAFE driver to take my 10-year-old daughter home from after-school soccer practice starting in September and ending in late November. She needs to be taken from school in Exton to home in Bryn Mawr. It should take about an hour each day. You will be needed Mon, Tues, Thurs, and Fri. Looking for a safe driver with a clean driving record. E-mail at ***********@comcast.net with references. We can discuss compensation. Thanks!

    From Me to ************@comcast.net

    Good afternoon.

    My name is Mike Partlow and I am very interested in this job. I have a lot of experience driving under dangerous conditions and guarantee your daughter will arrive safely at home every day.

    If you are still looking for a dependable driver, please write back.

    Sincerely,

    Mike Partlow

    From Kate ******** to Me

    Mr. Partlow (can I call you Mike?),

    I still am looking for a driver. Good to know you can handle dangerous conditions...but there probably will not be any dangerous conditions; you are just taking my daughter down Rt 3.

    Tell me about yourself - are you a professional driver? Do you have any references from past jobs? What kind of car do you own? Is it reliable?

    - Kate

    From Me to Kate ********

    Kate,

    You can call me Mike. I was never one for formalities.

    A little about myself, I am 37 years old, and worked as a mercenary driver in the Middle East. I have escorted important clients through high-risk areas in Iraq and Afghanistan for five years. I have seen a lot of action, and have ensured the safety of my clients. Out of all the jobs I have done, 90% of my clients arrived at their destination unharmed.

    I have several references. I'll have one of them e-mail you.

    My car is very safe and reliable - perfect for your daughter. It is an armored 2007 Chevy Suburban. All glass has been replaced with multi-layered ballistic glass capable of stopping a 7.62 x 39 bullet dead in its tracks. The doors, roof, and floor have been reinforced with ballistic steel/composite that can withstand IED blasts and stop grenade fragmentation. This car has been put to the test and will always deliver.

    Safety and protection is my #1 priority. The car is fully loaded with an HK416 assault rifle that fire under the toughest conditions. The roof has a 40mm MK-19 automatic grenade launcher turret installed. Hopefully we won't have to use it, but it is good to have. I can't tell you how many times I've had to return fire against an enemy APC. I assure you that nobody will mess with your daughter as I escort her home from soccer practice.

    Now lets discuss pay. I have various security packages I offer, and for your daughter I recommend my medium package which will run you $200 an hour. I also have a minimal package which is only $125 an hour. It is entirely up to you.

    Let me know,

    Mike Partlow

    From Kate ******** to Me

    This has to be a joke. This isnt Bagdad, it's suburban PA...

    Are you just being sarcastic? What do you really drive? I want to pay 30 bucks a day, tops.

    From Me to Kate ********

    Kate,

    Safety/protection is no joke. For $30, you are likely to get some 17-year-old kid who just got his license and will drive your daughter in his unarmored Ford Focus. I've seen an IED blow a Ford Focus into thousands of pieces, none larger than a golf ball.

    My security package is well worth the $200 per trip. We will pick your daughter up in a random Suburban. Four trucks will pull up, and she will get into a random one every day. This is so the enemy does not know which one to attack. The Suburban she is in will have an armed security detail of men I have worked with in Iraq. We know what we are doing. She will be escorted in our convoy down the highway at a high rate of speed to avoid stopping in "kill zones." All vehicles are equipped with an MIRT which is used to change the traffic lights to green so we will not have to slow down. Your daughter will arrive safely in your arms no later than 20 minutes from when she is extracted from the soccer field.

    Please reconsider my offer. You can't put a price on your daughter's safety.

    From Kate ******** to Me

    Stop wasting my time. Don't e-mail me again.


    (later, from another e-mail account)

    From Nick Walken to Kate **********

    Dear Kate,

    I am an old client of Mike Partlow. He told me that you wanted a reference for a job you are considering him for. Let me start off by saying, you could not have made a finer choice. Mike is the best there is. He literally saved my life countless times in Iraq. Whatever you are using him for, you have made the right choice. You will be 100% safe.

    When I think about my experience Mike, one time stands above the rest. Back in 2005, I was a contractor in Iraq and had hired Mike's security detail to escort me through Fallujah. Everything was going fine until our convoy was hit by an IED. I don't remember much, but next thing you know, I woke up in a Republican Guard prisoner camp with Mike. I thought we were goners. They took me and Mike into a hut, where there were at least eight armed soldiers placing bets. They were going to make Mike and I play Russian Roulette. Mike convinced a soldier to let him play with three bullets, instead of one, which I thought was crazy. Mike even put the gun to his head once and pulled the trigger. He started laughing, and the soldiers started laughing too. When they let their guard down, he immediately shot three of them in the head, grabbed one of their AKs, and gunned down the other five soldiers. I didn't think we would make it out of that one alive, but thanks to Mike's heroic actions, I am here today.

    You cannot go wrong with Mike Partlow. He is the best of the best. One time he killed an entire truck of insurgents using just a fork from his salad. He makes do with what he has and will survive the worst of situations.

    If you have any more questions about Mike, please don't hesitate to contact me. I owe the man my life.

    Nick

    From Kate ******** to Me

    what in the hell...

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  9. #1553
    Regular Member extremenanopowe's Avatar
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    Female version:


    First Woman: Oh, you got a haircut! That's so cute!

    Second Woman: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy-looking?

    First Woman: Oh God, no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with it how it is, I think.

    Second Woman: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts-that would really suit you. I was going to do that except that I was afraid it would accentuate my long neck.

    First Woman: What's wrong with your neck? I would love to have a neck like yours: anything to take attention away from my awful shoulder line.

    Second Woman: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything hangs so well on you. "You're like a walking fashion
    catalogue.But look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders, I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

    Male version:


    First Man: Haircut?

    Second Man: Yeah.

  10. #1554
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    WORK VIRUS WARNING! – This is very serious…..


    There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.

    This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

    If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.

    This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

    If you should come into contact with WORK, take two good friends to the nearest pub or bottle shop.

    *** Purchase the antidote known as:

    *** Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or

    Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter – (BEER).

    Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

    You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected
    and WORK is controlling your life.

  11. #1555
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    lol
    --- Parrots.......

    We all need a good laugh

    A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
    I have two female parrots,
    But they only know to say one thing'
    'What do they say?' the priest asked.
    They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'


    'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
    Then he thought for a moment.....
    'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...
    Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
    My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
    And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'

    'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
    The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.... As he ushered her in,
    She saw that his two male parrots
    Were inside their cage praying...
    Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...

    After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:
    Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
    There was stunned silence....
    One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,


    'Stop praying, Frank,
    Our prayers have been answered!

  12. #1556
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    The Pilot And The Priest

    A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
    Ahead of him is a guy who'sdressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

    Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?'

    The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from
    Houston.'

    Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the
    pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

    Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms
    out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'

    Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take
    this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.

    'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets


    a silken robe and golden staff and I getonly cotton and wood.

    How can this be?




    'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'



    I knew you'd likeit!

  13. #1557
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    WORK VIRUS WARNING! – This is very serious…..


    There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.

    This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

    If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.

    This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

    If you should come into contact with WORK, take two good friends to the nearest pub or bottle shop.

    *** Purchase the antidote known as:

    *** Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or

    Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter – (BEER).

    Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

    You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected
    and WORK is controlling your life.

  14. #1558
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    After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

    'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.
    'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.
    'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.
    'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear. 'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
    'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.
    'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.
    She whispers in his ear


    'That's me before the surgery.'

  15. #1559
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    Hi have a nice day, smile a lot.

    Husband texts to wife on cell..

    "Hi, what r u doing Darling?"
    Wife: I'm dying..!
    Husband jumps with joy but types "Sweet Heart, how can I live without U?"
    Wife: "U idiot! I'm dying my hair.."
    Husband: "Bloody English Language!
    Angry wife to her husband
    An Angry Wife To Her Husband 0n Phone:
    "Where d Hell Are You ...?"
    Husband: Darling You Remember That Jewelery Shop Where You Saw The Diamond Necklace n Totally Fell In Love With It n I Didn't Have Money That Time n I said "Baby It'll Be Yours 1 Day ... "O
    Wife, With A Smile & Blushing: Yeah I Remember That My Love!
    Husband: I ‘m in the Pub Just Next To That Shop

    A Special Package for Business Men.
    An Airline Introduced A Special Package For Business Men. Buy Ur Ticket Get Ur Wife's Ticket Free. After Great Success, The Company Sent Letters To All The Wives Asking How Was The Trip.
    All Of Them Gave A Same Reply..."Which Trip?"

    Husband was seriously ill
    Husband was seriously ill. Doc to wife: Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant & in gud mood, don’t discuss ur problems, no tv serial, don’t demand new clothes & gold jewels,
    Do this for 1 yr & he will be ok.
    On the way home.. Husband: what did the doc say ?
    Wife:- .No chance for u to survive

    An intelligent wife
    ''An Intelligent Wife Is One Who Makes Sure She Spends So Much
    That Her Husband Can't Afford Another Women"

    New SIM to surprise her husband
    Woman Buys A New Sim Card Puts It In Her Phone And Decides To Surprise Her Husband Who Is Seated On The Couch In The Living Room. She Goes To The Kitchen, Calls Her Husband With The New Number: "Hello Darling"
    The Husband Responds In A Low Tone: "Let Me Call U Back Later Honey, The Dumb Lady Is In The Kitchen..

    Cool message by a wife
    Cool Msg by a woman: Dear Mother-in-law, "Don't Teach me how 2 handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement"


    Habbit of talking in sleep
    A Lady to Doctor:
    My husband has habit of talking in sleep! what shud i give him to cure?
    Dr: Give him an Opportunity to speak wen hez awake


    Head & Neck of the family
    It is said that Husband is the head of the family, but remember that wife is the Neck of the family & the Neck can turn the Head exactly the way she wants.

    Wife: Do you want dinner?
    Wife: Do you want dinner?
    Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
    Wife: Yes and no.
    Too late for garbage
    Wife Running After A Garbage Truck:
    Am I Too Late For The Garbage?
    Hubby Following Her Yelled: Not Yet.
    Jumpppp Innnn Fastttt.


    Who is guilty (Husband / Wife)?
    Wife is dreaming in the middle of the night and suddenly shouts: "Up! Quick! My husband is back!" Man gets up, jumps out of the window, hurts himself, and then realizes: "Damn, I am the husband!"


    Difference between Friend & Wife
    Difference between Friend & Wife
    U can Tell ur Friend "U r my Best Friend"
    But Do u have courage to
    tell to ur Wife "U r my Best Wife?"

    Your husband needs rest

    Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
    Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
    Doctor: They are for you.!!

  16. #1560
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    The Economy of Fun
    1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing,. Its called the stock market - Jay Leno

    2. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker . The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW

    3. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.

    4. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any e mails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it - Jay Leno

    5. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favourite candy bar - Jay Leno

    6. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's.


    NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS


    CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

    CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.

    BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

    BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry.

    VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

    P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

    BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

    STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

    STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

    STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

    FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

    MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.


    CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

    YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

    WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

    INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

    PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use

  17. #1561
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    Have fun with these...

    The 5 Riddles....


    THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST FIVE RIDDLES I HAVE SEEN....THE ANSWERS ARE AT
    THE BOTTOM. RIDDLE 5 IS AMAZING. IT SHARPENS THOSE GENES IN YOUR
    BRAIN AND STALLS ALZHEIMER'S FOR YEARS ….

    1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three
    rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of
    assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't
    eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
    - / -

    2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over
    5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out
    together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

    - / -


    3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you
    throw it away ?

    - / -

    4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words
    Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?


    - / -

    5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you
    can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and
    plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing
    is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about
    it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!


    THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:










    Answers:



    1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
    That one was easy, right?



    2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband,
    developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).


    3
    . Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.



    4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and
    tomorrow!



    5. The letter "e" which is the most common letter used in the English
    language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.



    How did you do?


  18. #1562
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    Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So theyloaded upJack'sminivan and headed north.

    After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terribleblizzard.

    They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady whoanswered the door if they could spend the night.

    'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all
    tomyself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid theneighborswill talk if I letyou stay in myhouse.'

    'Don't worry,' Jack said.'We'llbe happy to sleepin the barn, and if theweather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
    Thelady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barnandsettled in for the night.

    Come morning, the weather had cleared,andthey got on their way.

    They enjoyed a great weekend ofskiing.

    But about nine months
    later, Jack got an unexpectedletter from an attorney.

    It took him a few minutestofigure it out, but he finally determined that itwas from the attorney ofthat attractive widow he had meton the ski weekend.

    He dropped in on his friend Bobandasked,'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm westayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

    'Yes, I do.' said Bob

    'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

    'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I
    have to admit thatIdid.'

    'And did you happen to give her my name
    insteadof telling her your name?'

    Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm
    afraid I did. Why do you ask?'
    'She just died and left me everything.'

    And you thought the ending would bedifferent, didn't you?... you know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!

    "How happy a person can be, is not how much one has but knowing how little one needs..." ^_^

  19. #1563
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    lol...
    A Nigerian man called his mom: "Mom, I have AIDS".

    Mother:" Don't come back home, my son, don't come back home. God forbid!"

    Man: Why mom, why now,what I do now?

    Mother : “....you foolish boy! You see my son, if you come back home, then your wife will be infected.
    From your wife to your broda, from your broda to our maid, from our maid to your daddy, from your daddy to my sistor, from my sistor to her hosband, from him to me, from me to the gardener, from the gardener to yo udder sistor.
    And if yo udder sistor got it , yoyo, then the whole village is in trouble… !
    So please please please
    ...PLEASE SAVE OUR VILLAGE !

  20. #1564
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    Not exactly or joke....or particularly funny...but I came across a little app which tells you what your name would be if you were an Olympic sprinter (along the lines of Usain Bolt). Apprently I'd be Lela Boost.....Boost, get it...?

    http://www.facebook.com/Glasgow2014/app_261427110632981

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