08-21-2012, 08:10 AM #1565
BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
And the WINNER is...
FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
(Statement of the Century)
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
How come they can't have a headache and *** at the same time?"
Children Are Quick
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH
08-27-2012, 11:10 PM #1566
Robin van Persie's North London apartment is on fire.
Police suspect Arsene
limsy liked this post
08-28-2012, 06:56 AM #1567
Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your arse, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again.
08-31-2012, 06:43 AM #1568
DON'T LOOK AT NAKED LADY
Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?
Boy 2: Becos my mum said that if I look at a naked lady, I'll turn into stone.
A part of me is getting hard already!
Research shows men are fatter than women because every-night men get fresh milk & 2 big papayas while women only get 1 banana, 2 peanuts & 1 tea-spoon of starch!
An arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.
'Your name pls'?
"Abdul Aziz "
"Six times a week!! "
"No, no, I mean male or female! "
"Doesn't matters, sometimes even camel !"
*** is like a restaurant.
Sometimes you get full satisfactory service and sometimes you have to be satisfied with self-service"
What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of cosmo.
Son on the cover of sports illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of playboy and...
Wife on the cover of "missing persons"
Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?
To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section.
Teacher: What do you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor !!
Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.
Woman complaining to dentist: "It's so painful, I'll rather have a baby than have a tooth removed."
Dentist: "Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the chair accordingly. "
Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone to read :
BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
The engraver shortened it to: " RETURNED UNOPENED "
OLD MAN AND YOUNG GIRL
75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl.
On their first night both were crying - why???
Coz she didn't know anything and he had forgotten everything.
09-03-2012, 08:24 AM #1569
...... the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while.
Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curls up on the floor; eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire...
Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the drawer, takes out 500 bucks and gives it to him.
"Here, take this and go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight.... and remember that this happens only once... ok?
Don’t think about it again," she said.
The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, grabs the money and leaves quickly..
A few minutes later, he returned and handed the money back to his wife and spoke with much disappointment:
"She said this is not enough. She wants one thousand....."
His wife's face slowly turns red with anger.
"Damn that bitch... when she was pregnant and her husband came over here... I charged him only five hundreds ..."
The guy collapsed !!!
NB: Think THRICE when your wife is over Generous
09-11-2012, 08:44 AM #1570
A husband stands nacked in the bathroom in front of the mirror and says to himself:" 5cm more, and I would be a king!"
His wife shouts from the bedroom:" 5cm less, and you would be a princess!"
09-19-2012, 09:47 AM #1571
Jokes of Wife....
Husband texts to wife on cell..
"Hi, what r u doing Darling?"
Wife: I'm dying..!
Husband jumps with joy but types "Sweet Heart, how can I live without U?"
Wife: "U idiot! I'm dying my hair.."
Husband: "Bloody English Language!
Angry wife to her husband
An Angry Wife To Her Husband 0n Phone:
"Where d Hell Are You ...?"
Husband: Darling You Remember That Jewellery Shop Where You Saw The Diamond Necklace n Totally Fell In Love With It n I Didn't Have Money That Time n I said "Baby It'll Be Yours 1 Day ... "O
Wife, With A Smile & Blushing: Yeah I Remember That My Love!
Husband: I ‘m in the Pub Just Next To That Shop
A Special Package for Business Men.
An Airline Introduced A Special Package For Business Men. Buy Ur Ticket Get Ur Wife's Ticket Free. After Great Success, The Company Sent Letters To All The Wives Asking How Was The Trip.
All Of Them Gave A Same Reply..."Which Trip?"
Husband was seriously ill
Husband was seriously ill. Doc to wife: Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant & in gud mood, don’t discuss ur problems, no tv serial, don’t demand new clothes & gold jewels,
Do this for 1 yr & he will be ok.
On the way home.. Husband: what did the doc say ?
Wife:- .No chance for u to survive
An intelligent wife
''An Intelligent Wife Is One Who Makes Sure She Spends So Much
That Her Husband Can't Afford Another Women"
New SIM to surprise her husband
Woman Buys A New Sim Card Puts It In Her Phone And Decides To Surprise Her Husband Who Is Seated On The Couch In The Living Room. She Goes To The Kitchen, Calls Her Husband With The New Number: "Hello Darling"
The Husband Responds In A Low Tone: "Let Me Call U Back Later Honey, The Dumb Lady Is In The Kitchen..
Wife treats husband
A Wife Treats Hubby By Taking Him To A Lap Dance Club For His Birthday ..
At The Club: Doorman Says: Hi Jim How R You?
Wife Asks: How Does He Know You?
Jim Says: Oh Dear, I Play Football with Him
Inside Barman Says: The Usual Jim ?
Jim Says To Wife: Before You Say Anything, He's On the Darts Team in My Local
Next A Lap Dancer Says: Hi Jim
Do You Crave Special Again?
The Wife Storms Out Dragging Jim With Her & Jumps Into A Taxi..
Driver Says "Hey Jimmy Boy, You Picked Up An Ugly One This Time.."
Jim's Funeral Is On Sunday
Cool message by a wife
Cool Msg by a woman: Dear Mother-in-law, "Don't Teach me how 2 handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement"
Sweet demand by kid
A Sweet demand by a kid.
A kid was beaten by his mom. Dad came n asked - what happen son?
Kid said-I can’t adjust with your wife anymore, I want my own.
Lion bounced on wife
In an African Safari, A LION suddenly bounced on Santa's wife.
WIFE: Shoot him! Shoot him!
SANTA: Yes, Yes. I'm changing d battery of my camera..
Throwing knives on wife's picture
Husband was throwing knives on wife’s picture. All were missing the target!
Suddenly he received call from her "Hi, what r u doing?"
His honest reply, "MISSING U"
I will think about it
When a married man says "I'll think about it",
What he really means that, He doesn't know his wife's opinion yet..
Habbit of talking in sleep
A Lady to Doctor:
My husband has d habit of talking in sleep! what shud i give him to cure?
Dr: Give him an Opportunity to speak wen hez awake
Itni khushi bardasht nahin ker sakta
Wife: I will die.
Husband: I will also die.
Wife: Why will you die?
Husband: Because main itni khushi bardasht nahin ker sakta.
Part & Art of living
Having "WIFE" Is A Part Of Living...
But Having "GIRLFRIEND" Along With The "WIFE" Is Art Of Living.
Head & Neck of the family
It is said that Husband is the head of the family, but remember that wife is the Neck of the family & the Neck can turn the Head exactly the way she wants.
Wife: Do you want dinner?
Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.
What is the Difference between Mother & Wife?
What is the Difference between Mother & Wife?
A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other ensures U Continue to do so.
To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire
Interviewerto Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman.
Interviewer: "What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
I look at your picture and the problem disappears
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Darling: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem Can there be greater than this one?
Wife: honey what r u looking 4?
Wife: honey, what r u looking 4?
Wife: why have u been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour?
Husband: i was just looking 4 the expiry date
Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
Husband asks: Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means...
Without Information, Fighting Everytime!
WIFE says: No darling, it means:
With Idiot For Ever
Wife wish 2 be a newspaper
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper so I would be in ur hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that u were a newspaper so I could have a new one every day.
Can I make a call to my wife?
A man in Hell asked Devil:
Can I make a call to my Wife?
After making call he asked how much to pay.
Devil: Nothing, Hell to hell is Free.
Husband, wife & spare tyre
HUSBAND and WIFEare like 2 tyres of a vehicle. If 1 punctures, the vehicle can't move further
Moral: Always Keep a SPARE TYRE....
Similarity between chewing gum & begum
What's the similarity between chewing gum & begum (wife) ??
Both are sweet at the beginning and become tasteless, shapeless and chipku in the eNd...
WIFE IS DANGEROUS
LOVE IS LIFE
LIFE IS WIFE
WIFE IS KNIFE and
KNIFE IS DANGEROUS
Too late for garbage
Wife Running After A Garbage Truck:
Am I Too Late For The Garbage?
Hubby Following Her Yelled: Not Yet.
Jumpppp Innnn Fastttt.
What if you don't see me for 2 days?
A man came home late at night after a party.
His wife yelled:
"how would you feel if you don't see me for two days?"
The man couldn’t believe his luck: 'that would be great'!
Monday passed and he didn’t see her......
Tuesday and Wednesday passed too.....
On Thursday his swelling became better
And now he could see her from the corner of one eye.
Who is guilty (Husband / Wife)?
Wife is dreaming in the middle of the night and suddenly shouts: "Up! Quick! My husband is back!" Man gets up, jumps out of the window, hurts himself, and then realizes: "Damn, I am the husband!"
Why women starts with W
You know why women starts with 'W'...
because all questions start with "W".. !
NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN
Nobody teaches Volcanoes to erupt, Tsunamis to devastate,Hurricanes to sway around & no one teaches How to choose a Wife, NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN.
Difference between Friend & Wife
Difference between Friend & Wife
U can Tell ur Friend "U r my Best Friend"
But Do u have courage tell to ur Wife "U r my Best Wife?"
Dream of receiving jewellery & cloths
Wife: yesterday-night I saw a dream that u were sending me jewellery and clothes!
Husband: yeah, I saw your dad paying the bill!!!
Recently fired stock trader
A recently fired stock trader said ...
"This is worse than divorce... I have lost everything and I still have my wife..."
Message of the year
Message of the year:-
Women live a better, longer & peaceful life..!!
Why? Very simple...
A woman does not have a wife..!!!
Husband to a newly wed wife
Husband to a newly wed wife: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Wife: Thanks, but promise me you will stay there for the rest of your life.
Why did u shoot ur wife?
Judge: why did u shoot ur wife instead of shooting her lover?
Sardar: Your honour, it's easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.
Your husband needs rest
Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you.!!
09-29-2012, 10:15 AM #1572
The Black Bra (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild *** all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
What's for dinner, Zorro?"
10-03-2012, 06:35 AM #1573
Let's Have Some Marriage Laughter..
For Sale :Wedding Dress, Size 8.Worn Once By Mistake.
Every Wife Is A 'Mistress" For Her Husband."Miss" For One Hour &"Stress" Forthe Rest 23 Hours..!.
There Are Two Times WhenA Man Doesn't Understand A WomanBefore Marriage And After Marriage.Wife : I Will Die.Husband : I Will Also Die.Wife : Why Will You Die ?Husband : Because ICan't Bear That Much Happiness..!.My Husband And I Divorced Over Religious Differences.
He Thought He Was God, And I Didn't.Marriage Is Like A Public ToiletThose Waiting Outside Are Desperate To Get In& Those Inside Are Desperate To Come Out.Why Were HurricanesUsually Named After Women?
Because When TheyArrive, They're Wet AndWild, ButWhen They Go, They Take YourHouse And Car..Text Messaging
Husband Sends The Following Message To His Wife
If You're Sleeping, Send Me Your Dreams.
If You're Smiling, Send Me Your Smile.
If You're Crying, Send Me Your Tears.
I Love You.
Wife Texted Back :
I'm In The Toilet,
What Should I Send You?The Woman Applying For A Job In A Florida Lemon GroveSeemed Way Too Qualified For The Job."Look Miss," Said The Foreman, "Have You Any ActualExperience In Picking Lemons?""Well, As A Matter Of Fact, Yes!" She Replied."I've Been Divorced Three Times."
Whisky Is A Brilliant Invention.One Double And You Start Feeling Single Again.A Man Goes To The Wizard To Ask If He CanRemove A Curse He Has Been Living With For The Last 40 Years.The Wizard Says, "Maybe, But You Will Have To Tell MeThe Exact Words That Were Used To Put The Curse On You."The Man Says Without Hesitation,"I Now Pronounce You Man And Wife."Husband Searching Keywords On Google `How To Tackle Wife?`
Google Search Result, `still Searching`.
A Man Goes To A Shrink And Says,"Doctor, My Wife Is UnfaithfulTo Me.
Every Evening, She GoesTo Larry's Bar And PicksUp Men.In Fact, She Sleeps WithAnybody Who Asks Her!I'm GoingCrazy.What Do YouThink I Should Do?""Relax," SaysThe Doctor,"Take A Deep Breath And CalmDown.Now, Tell Me, Exactly Where IsLarry's Bar?"Husband Throwing Darts At His Wife’s Photo And Not Even A Single One Hitting The Target..From Another Room Wife Called The Husband : “Honey What Are You Doing..Husband: “MISSING YOU”..
A Man Goes To See The Rabbi."Rabbi, Something Terrible Is Happening And I Have To Talk To You About It."The Rabbi Asked, "What's Wrong?"The Man Replied, "My Wife Is Poisoning Me."The Rabbi, Very Surprised By This, Asks, "How Can That Be?"The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"The Rabbi Then Offers,"Tell You What, Let Me Talk ToHer.I'll See What I Can Find Out And I'll Let You Know."The Rabbi Calls after a while And Says,"Well I Spoke To Her For Three Hours.You Want My Advice?"The Man Said YesThe Rabbi Replied, "Take The poison"
10-03-2012, 07:04 AM #1574
Subject: Fwd: Naming Children According To Parents' Jobs! And Govt Job
Thief’s son: Rob
Lawyer’s son: Will
Doctor’s son: Bill
Hair stylist’s son: Bob
Homeopathic doctors son: Herb
Justice of the peace’s daughter: Mary
Sound stage technician’s son: Mike
Gambler’s daughter: Bette
Iron worker’s son: Rusty
Sweeper’s son: Dustin
TV star’s daughter: Emmy
Movie star’s son: Oscar
Talking about job, here's an old joke...
A Government Job Interview A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?” He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.” “Have you ever served in the military?” “Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for two years.” The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.” Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?” The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.” The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Okay. You’ve got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day.” The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don’t you want me here until 10:00 am?” “This is a government job,” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our b**ls. No point in you coming in for that.”
10-14-2012, 06:50 AM #1575
Laughter is the best medicine for stress.
Someone asks Ah Beng why Lee Hsien Loong goes walking only in the evening but not in the morning.
Ah Beng replies `Because he is PM not AM'
Ah Beng buys a new mobile. He sends a message to everyone in his Phone Book & says,
'My Mobile number has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610'
Ah Beng : I am proud coz my son is in Medical College .
Friend: Really, what is he studying?
Ah Beng: No, he is not studying, they are studying him.
Ah Beng : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
Dr: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.
Ah Beng : If I die, will u remarry?
Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Ah Beng : No, I'll also stay with your sister.
Ah Beng : People consider me as a 'GOD'
Wife: How do you know??
Ah Beng : When I went to the park today, everybody said, Oh GOD! U have come again.
Ah Beng reports to police: 'Sir, all items are missing except the TV in my house.'
Police: 'Why the thief did not take TV?'
Ah Beng : 'I was watching TV news...'
Ah Beng comes back to his car & finds a note saying 'Parking Fine'
He writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for compliment.'
How do you recognize Ah Beng in school?
He is the one who erases his notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.
Once Ah Beng was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on the other.
So a man asks him why. He replied that the weather forecast says that on one hand it would be
cold andon the other hand it might be hot.
Ah Beng goes to the cinema alone and returns later with 17 other friends.
He had read a sign which said "Under 18 not allowed"
Ah Beng was sitting in a bar and his cellular phone rings.
He picks it up and says 'Hello, how did you know I am here?'
Ah Beng : Why are all these people running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup
Ah Beng - If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?
Ah Beng always sit on the lower level of double-decker buses.
When asked why so, he says upstairs no driver.
Ah Beng told his servant: 'Go and water the plants!'
Servant: 'It's already raining.'
Ah Beng : 'So what? Take an umbrella.'
10-14-2012, 06:54 AM #1576
A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!”All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.The guy whispered in her ears: "I study law, and I know how to make someone feel guilty.”
10-14-2012, 09:26 AM #1577
IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD :
1. YOU can't count your hair
2. YOU can't wash your eyes with soap
3. YOU can't breathe when your tongue is out
Put your tongue back in, my friend !!.
10 Things I know about you...
1) YOU are reading this
2) YOU are human.
3) YOU can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips
4) YOU just attempted to do it
6) YOU are laughing inwardly at yourself
7) YOU have a smile on your face and you skipped No.5
8) YOU just checked to see if there is a No.5
9) YOU laugh at this because you are silly, & everyone does it too.
10) YOU are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it
Sorry but it's just all in fun... no offense intended
You have received this mail because I didn’t want to be alone in the “Idiot” category.
10-18-2012, 09:53 AM #1578
The older we get.... (Hilarious, Must Read)
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?'
'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
Brunette, by the way!!
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine. Then the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher : 'Rush him in to emergency!'
Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh.....it is all true...
Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
04. People call at 9 PM and ask, "did I wake you?"
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't wear out.
08. You can eat supper at 4 PM.
09. You can live without *** but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience..
Forward this to every one you can remember right now!
And don't forget..
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
10-18-2012, 10:29 AM #1579
Why my shoulder injury went undiagnosed:
After I injured my shoulder playing badminton I made an appointment to go and see my doctor. I was waiting for him to come into the examining room when suddenly one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen in my life walked in.
She was wearing a well fitted skirt, a loose silk blouse and no bra, with stilettos and she smelled great.
She explained that my regular doctor was away and she was filling in for him. I told her about my shoulder and she began to examine me, half way through the examination she suddenly stopped looked me in the eye and told me I had to stop masturbating.
I was shocked and embarrassed, but managed to ask her why?
She said because she was trying to examine me.
I was so embarrassed I left without completing the diagnoses.
10-18-2012, 10:31 AM #1580
Oops, I managed to double post
Last edited by KayakerSteve; 10-18-2012 at 10:37 AM.
10-18-2012, 11:33 AM #1581
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